The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 11.01.12
It’s Open Fight Night!
Live from Orlando, FL
Your hosts are Jeremy Borash & Todd Keneley, then Borash & Mike Tenay.
Joseph Park is in the ring to start, and he wants to prove that he’s a MAN, not just an attorney. And since he doesn’t have to be cleared by TNA to participate tonight, he calls out any member of Aces & Eights. He gets four of them, so Kurt Angle comes out for the save, as does Sting. And he promises that tonight, someone’s getting unmasked. About time.
Meanwhile, Jesse is freaking out about ODB, but Tara assures him that Hollywood wouldn’t produce a shirt that says “Hollywood Loves Us” if it wasn’t true.
World TV title: Samoa Joe v. Magnus
Joe attacks and hits the elbow and head kick in the corner, but runs into a boot. Joe puts him down with a clothesline and senton, however, and gets two. Magnus comes back with a clothesline for two and he goes to the chinlock, but Joe fights out and into the choke. Magnus quickly breaks out, so Joe puts him on the floor and they brawl out there. Joe wins that battle, but Magnus finds a wrench under the ring and knocks out Joe for the DQ at 3:44. Good for what it was. **
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle wants Devon tonight, but Hogan makes the match for the PPV instead. Angle introduces his backup: Wes Brisco and Garrett Bischoff. How dumb is Angle?
Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy does his makeup and talks to himself in the mirror. This has gotta go.
Daniels & Kazarian v. Hector Guerrero & Willie Urbina
Yes, they call out the SPANISH ANNOUNCE TABLE. I’m shocked we didn’t get either a Lazor-Tron or Gobbledygooker reference from Daniels. The beatdown naturally results, but Los Estereotipos make the save. Hopefully they switch the belts back where they belong at the PPV.
Gut Check: Christian York v. Zema Ion
I think the “comeback story” version of this is much better than the unknown geek version, because at least you can buy York as someone who could actually win. York attacks Ion and rolls out of a rana, but Ion pounds him down. York with a koppo kick and then a rolling version in the corner, and he goes up to send Ion running to the apron. Zema necksnaps him on the top rope and hits a tornado DDT on the way back in and chokes York out on the ropes. Suplex and he goes up with a moonsault, but hits the knees. Ion dumps him, but York comes back in with a lariat to cut off a dive. York rolls the dice for two and Ion bails again, so York headfakes him on a dive and gets a headscissors instead. Back in, Ion goes low and takes him down for the armbar for the submission at 4:20. That was the wrong finish on so many levels it’s not even funny. They could have made an instant star out of York by putting him over there because he was OVER and looked like a big deal and the crowd was treating him like a big deal, and instead they have to stick to their formula no matter what. Ion is dead weight and they need to make someone else to carry the X division and it could have been York in one shot. He’ll likely get the unanimous vote next week, but why take the chance by having him lose here? **1/2
Meanwhile, Austin Aries has business to discuss with the Robbies.
Meanwhile, Garrett lets Bully know that he’s got his back tonight. And sure enough, the Aces are waiting backstage and a brawl erupts. Our heroes quickly run them off, and Sting promises again that someone is losing a mask.
ODB v. Jesse Godderz
Let’s see how they weasel out of this one. ODB throws a couple of chops and beats on him in the corner, but Jesse shoves her off. I guess Spike is easing up on the “no man on woman violence” edict. Jesse misses an elbow and bails for support from Tara, and ODB rams him into her crotch a few times back in the ring. She misses a kneedrop off the top, however, and Jesse slams her. He gets distracted by Tara again and ODB spanks him, but Jesse rolls her up to finish at 3:57. Well, it was an actual match and everything, I’ll give them that. ½* Oddly, Jesse is actually looking smaller here than he was on Big Brother.
Hour #2!
Robbie E v. Jeff Hardy
Jeff quickly gets the atomic drop and legdrop, and a flying splash gets two. Robbie bails and Hardy whips him into the stairs and follows with the Poetry in Motion into the railing. Back in, Rob Terry trips up Hardy and we take a break. Back with Hardy making the comeback, but the Twist is reversed into an Implant DDT that gets two. Another try is reversed by Hardy into a falcon arrow, and the Twist and Swanton finish at 8:00. Basically a squash for the champ, broken up by a commercial break. ** Austin Aries comes out to challenge Hardy afterwards, so Hardy wants a ladder match at the PPV. “It was a METAPHOR!” Should of course be awesome.
Meanwhile, Matt Morgan interrupts the opening of Hogan’s new memorabilia shop and STEALS HIS ROBE. Oh man, shoplifting on national TV, that’s low.
Bobby Roode whines about not getting his title shot, and AJ Styles comes out to also complain about not getting title shots. Apparently illicit photos involving people named AJ is the new fad in wrestling, nyuk nyuk. AJ wants a fight, but Bobby refuses and then lays him out anyway. This brings out Hulk and James Storm, and there’s going to be a three-way at Turning Point with Storm v. Styles v. Roode, winner gets the next title shot and the loser won’t get another one unless they win next year’s BFG Series. For Open Fight Night there sure hasn’t been a lot of fighting on this night.
Joey Ryan v. Rob Van Dam
Slugfest to start and RVD puts him down with kicks and a spinkick in the corner. Rolling Thunder and he goes up, but misses the frog splash thanks to Morgan, and Ryan rolls him up for the pin at 1:40. Morgan lays out RVD with the Carbon Footprint afterwards, the first step in his plan to eat through the roster and shit them all out. Thankfully neither part of that plan comes to fruition here.
Bully Ray v. Devon
Devon does the big stall and calls out the Aces, so Bully holds them off with a chain until Sting’s Squadron responds to clear them off. The big guy dumps Bully to save, but Joseph Park runs out to stand up for him, and unmasks Luke Gallows. Well, duh. Mike Tenay: “I know that guy!” Not well enough to give him a name they can legally use, though. I guess that was at least something happening with this angle.
The Pulse
This was more like Open Bait And Switch Night, but there was nothing terribly offensive on display. Still better than RAW, and that’s about the best you can hope for these days anyway.
