No hurricane can keep us down! Well, just me, as Kelly lives in a desert paradise (the bitch). In any case, time for another Smackdown Breakdown!
The Miz is in the ring and he introduces Sheamus. Miz teases Sheamus’s loss to Big Show at Hell in a Cell, so the Great White returns the favor by bringing up Kofi Kingston. Speak of the devil, as Kofi comes out and they berate Miz until Big Show shows up to continue this now-dragging segment. Miz attempts to attack Kofi from behind but gets tossed out of the ring.
Kelly: Hello ladies and gentleman! I’m coming at you solo this week, since Mike is learning very quickly how to scuba dive. Oh wait…Mike, is that you?
Mike: Glub glub glub
Kelly: Well, fancy that. You’re alive. Neat.
Mike: Keep yucking it up, kid. You didn’t experience Hurricane Sandy.
Kelly: Nope. I live in a desert. I experience the wrong kind of boobs…haboobs…and that’s it.
Mike: Thrilling. So we start things off with MizTV as Miz introduces former World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus.
Kelly: They’re bickering back and forth about championships. Blah.
Mike: Miz taunts Sheamus about having never beaten the Big Show. Blah blah blah I’m a humble fighter blah blah blah I’m John Cena on Smackdown.
Kelly: No one cares about Big Show. Not even Big Show.
Mike: Miz somehow stupidly makes it seem as though he’s responsible for Sheamus’s loss and the Great White sets his sights on Mizanin.
Kelly: Enter Kofi Kingston. My bestie. Here to save the day, or something.
Mike: I’m guessing we’ll get a Big Show appearance next.
Kelly: And you’re right. Miz is getting frazzled that he can’t finish his catchphrase. Don’t tell me this is our main event tonight.
Mike: Okay, I won’t.
Kelly: Thanks, boo.
Mike: No prob, sugar tits.
Kelly: Is this conversation still going on?
Mike: Yeah. Yeah.
Kelly: Oops. Miz flops outside of the ring after charging Kofi. Music is cued up so it must be done.
Mike: Did I overhear Miz say he and Kofi would be captaining Survivor Series teams?
Kelly: Didn’t they already do that a couple years ago?
Mike: I…don’t remember.
Kelly: I’m pretty sure it was something like that. But I drink a lot, so don’t mind me.
Sin Cara w/ Rey Mysterio vs Darren Young w/ Titus O’Neil
Mike: Booker T congratulates Big Show backstage on his victory last Sunday and announces the main event you didn’t want to hear.
Kelly: Aw, nuggets.
Mike: Sin Cara vs Darren Young. MILLIONS OF PESOS! MILLIONS OF PESOS!
Kelly: This still happens? Okay then. Here’s some nifty lucha moves that I couldn’t name if you had a gun to my head.
Mike: I thought you get off on that.
Kelly: The lucha moves, or the gun?
Mike: The combination of the two.
Kelly: Ohhh…can you imagine…
Mike: Wait, Darren Young beat Sin Cara?!
Kelly: What the fuck, he did. Why do they love this fool. Is it because he looks like Cena?
Mike: Titus calls out Rey for a one-on-one.
Kelly: Rey’s shirt comes off, so he’s ready. Titus is a little more hesitant. So, more Prime Time Player action tonight, I guess.
Titus O’Neil w/ Darren Young vs Rey Mysterio w/ Sin Cara
Mike: And circle gets the square!
Kelly: I swear, if Titus wins this…
Mike: You’ll wire me some money?
Kelly: Will it actually arrive?
Mike: Here’s hoping.
Kelly: Well, Titus is huffing and puffing, but Rey Mysterio is still going.
Mike: That’s because ol’ Titus is gassed.
Kelly: 619 caught, Titus counters, but Rey still wins. My money is safe.
Mike: Madre de Dios!
Kelly: Ha! They emulate the “Millions of Dollars” shit. Cute.
Raw Rebound #1: Team Foley vs Team Punk. Backstage, both Natalya and David Otunga offer to take Eve’s place while she’s on tour with the Raw crew, Otunga winds up stuck in a match with the Great Khali.
Mike: Raw Rebound with the controversial referee deal from Sunday.
Kelly: So I finally get to see it. I missed Hell in a Cell, unfortunately.
Mike: I heard you didn’t miss much.
Kelly: Based on the recaps, I suppose not. But I never miss PPVs.
Mike: And the Survivor Series main event is set.
Kelly: I like Ryback.
Mike: Wait…I need to retract what I said earlier about Miz being a team captain. He’s on Team Punk.
Kelly: Looks like Nattie wants to be an assistant, now.
Mike: Otunga pops in and offers his assistance, but Booker puts him in a match with Great Khali. Cue Otunga’s spit-take onto Nattie’s chesticles.
Kelly: A nice bitch slap from Nattie, causing him to spit on Teddy now. Gross.
Randy Orton vs Wade Barrett
Kelly: Caramel Thunder!
Mike: He’s not wrestling; he’s on commentary.
Kelly: And here’s Barrett. Lots of accents up in here.
Mike: I still hate Barrett’s new theme.
Kelly: Yeah, kinda boring. Speaking of which, here’s Randy.
Mike: Del Rio really needs to learn how to say the word “apex.”
Kelly: Match hasn’t even started yet, and del Rio charges. Randy fights back for a hot minute but Rodriguez is here to help.
Mike: What does it say about your career when you need your announcer to get the drop on your enemy?
Kelly: That shit’s getting old. I know it’s a classic heel tactic, but shamon. Every time?
Mike: Hey, you know what they say: 60% of the time it works every time.
Kelly: And 90% of the game is half mental.
Mike: Looks like the match is on anyway.
Kelly: Yup. Super Randy (see what I did there) won’t give up that easily.
Mike: I saw. And it wasn’t funny.
Kelly: Stop being so grouchy.
Mike: I’m not. That legit made me cry; that’s how unfunny it was.
Kelly: Just because you’re having to quickly evolve into a mermaid, doesn’t mean you should try to drag me down, too.
Mike: Your sense of humor switch needs to be turned back up to 11, stat.
Mike: And this battle from 2011 continues.
Kelly: Big elbow drop to Orton.
Mike: Remember when they fought in an elevator? Classic.
Kelly: Barrett back up to the top rope, Orton stops him and regains control.
Kelly: Both men are slow to their feet.
Mike: Josh Mathews says Wade is smart for rolling to the ropes to avoid the RKO…but he eats a draping DDT instead.
Kelly: Ricardo distracts long enough for Barrett to take advantage.
Mike: Orton falls thanks to the announcer again. I guess that makes Ricardo the mongoose!
Raw Rebound #2: The WWE writes a check for $1,000,000 in the fight against breast cancer. Backstage, Randy Orton catches up with del Rio and they have a food fight.
Kelly: I didn’t know that Layla lost her mom to breast cancer. That’s really sad.
Mike: My aunt’s dealing with a return bout as we speak.
Kelly: It’s a nasty, evil disease.
Kelly: Del Rio and Ricardo backstage with Striker, talking shit about Randy, never noticing that Randy is within earshot.
Mike: NOT CATERING!!!
Kelly: The two fight over who is going to shove the other’s face into a cake first.
Mike: And Matt Striker eats the cake. Meanwhile, Ricardo is literally a scalded dog as he gets hot coffee AND what appears to be stew dumped on him.
The Great Khali vs David Otunga
Kelly: Aw, Lawler comes back in two weeks. That’ll be great.
Mike: Then everyone who hated on his commentary can continue to do so.
Kelly: Looks like Khali hasn’t skipped any meals.
Mike: By the way, have you noticed that Lillian Garcia hasn’t been doing the intros?
Mike: She was hit by a car a few days ago.
Kelly: Khali is manhandling Otunga to the best of his ability.
Mike: I’m serious.
Kelly: I never said I didn’t believe you.
Mike: It was just odd how you changed the subject without commenting.
Kelly: Okay, take two: She did? That sucks. Hope she gets well soon. Oh, and Khali is manhandling Otunga to the best of his ability.
Mike: Uh, okay. And Khali wins.
Justin Gabriel vs R-Truth
Mike: Nattie’s hitting on Khali?
Kelly: At least she’s no longer farting.
Mike: Well, if he’s as big down South as he is everywhere else, a night with Khali could make her a wind tunnel.
Kelly: Big dudes are never “big”. Trust me. Justin Gabriel and R-Truth are in the ring, reminding everyone that they’re still employed.
Mike: Figures you’d know that. I’m quite enjoying JBL’s commentary on the backgrounds of our foreign wrestlers.
Kelly: Ha, Felix Baumgartner–or however you spell it–mention by JBL. Oh, and R-Truth wins.
Mike: That was an inoffensive match.
Raw Rebound #3: WWE takes a page out of TNA’s playbook with the AJ Scandal. Backstage, Big Show tells Miz to follow his lead or risk a WMD.
Kelly: Reason #27 I don’t watch Raw: scandals and gossip straight out of a girls’ locker room.
Mike: Bitches be trippin’. And Dolph Ziggler falls further down the ladder.
Kelly: This doesn’t make sense. Dolph and Vickie ganging up on Cena and AJ for allegedly dating. This is stupid.
Mike: Back in the locker room, Big Show tells Miz he’s the boss tonight. I thought it was Tony Danza.
Sheamus and Kofi Kingston vs Big Show and The Miz
Mike: Falls Count Anywhere match has been announced for next week between del Rio and Orton. Thoughts?
Kelly: If we can expect more food shenanigans, I’m out.
Mike: I actually liked the food fight.
Kelly: It reminded me of a bad ABC Family original movie.
Mike: All righty then.
Kelly: I can’t believe they gave him the strap.
Mike: About damn time.
Kelly: Bell has barely gone off when Show tags himself in.
Mike: And then tags in Miz to avoid Sheamus.
Kelly: Miz cartwheels out of the ring with assistance from Kofi.
Mike: Back from break and Show is in control on the faux Jamaican.
Kelly: Show is cocky as he begins his assault on Kingston.
Mike: This match is so uninteresting that I’m currently cooking while I’m watching it.
Kelly: …JBL just brought up K-Fed as an example for what Miz has done for himself.
Mike: If I recall, Federline one-upped John Cena at Night of Champions some years ago.
Kelly: That makes me sad. The ring is in chaos, Kofi eats a KO punch.
Mike: It’s over, fella.
Kelly: ShoMiz wins.
Kelly: Meh. Had a mad case of deja vu the entire time.
Mike: One word for me: ennui.
Kelly: Thank god I was drinking.
Mike: You know we’ve got a live Smackdown Tuesday night, right?
Kelly: I do now. Considering I’m working two jobs now, the second of which is in a special ed preschool classroom at an elementary school, you can expect me to sound like a stroke victim that night.
Mike: By the way, Sanders responded to our challenge from last week.
Kelly: I saw.
Mike: Technically, between the two of us, we gave him 5 reasons to watch Smackdown.
Kelly: One of my valid points was Kaitlyn’s boobs, so technically 6 reasons.
Mike: Indeed. Those things are perky as hell.
Kelly: They are exquisite.
Mike: Like bags of sand.
Kelly: And rainbows.
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Mike: Boobs. You meant boobs.
Mike: So long….
Kelly: And thanks for all the tits.
Tags: aj lee, alberto del rio, big show, Booker T, cm punk, Darren Young, David Otunga, Dolph Ziggler, Eve, Great Khali, Hell in a Cell, jbl, Jerry Lawler, john cena, Josh Mathews, Justin Gabriel, Kelly Floyd, Kofi Kingston, Lillian Garcia, Matt Striker, Mick Foley, Mike Gojira, Natalya, R-Truth, randy orton, rey mysterio, Ricardo Rodriguez, ryback, sheamus, sin cara, Smackdown, survivor series, Teddy Long, The Miz, titus o'neil, Vickie Guerrero, Wade Barrett, World Heavyweight Championship