The SmarK RAW Rant – 11.12.12

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The SmarK RAW Rant – 11.12.12

OK, the Impact voiceover ripoff guy has GOT to go.  I remember Vince Russo would do the same thing in WCW, and it would only highlight how ridiculous it was when everything would change later in the show.

Live from Columbus, OH

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

Randy Orton v. Dolph Ziggler

Orton quickly clotheslines Dolph to the floor and brings him in with a slingshot suplex for two.  Dolph comes back with a dropkick as I ponder why Team Hell No is a subset of Team Foley and Team Rhodes Scholars is a subset of Team Ziggler.  Does EVERYTHING have to be a “team”?  I miss the 80s when everyone was a Express or did things at Midnight or Rocked, or sometimes combinations of the three.  Orton gets the powerslam and sets up for the RKO, but ADR runs in for distraction, and this time Ziggler is so inept that HE’S the one who gets rolled up and pinned at 3:42.  And wouldn’t you know, it turns into a tag match because Teddy Long is in charge tonight for some reason.

Alberto Del Rio & Dolph Ziggler v. Kofi Kingston & Randy Orton

A rare directorial gaffe sees the Titantron showing the current camera angle, which gives us a psychedelic recursive glimpse into INFINITY.  I’M FREAKING OUT HERE, MAN.  So we take a break and return with Dolph hitting Kofi with a dropkick for two and holding a chinlock.  Dolph misses a charge and it’s hot tag Orton, but Kofi tags in with a high cross on ADR for two.  SOS gets two.  Kofi stops to telegraph his finish, but gets distracted by Ricardo, and ADR pins him like a geek after an enzuigiri at 7:00.  So that’s two distraction finishes IN THE SAME MATCH.  **

Vickie Guerrero joins Dolph in the ring now, and she’s got MORE EVIDENCE in the AJ “scandal”.  What is the scandal?   They’re two single people both in storyline and real life, so who gives a shit?  Vickie really turns up the interrogation by yelling “ADMIT IT!  ADMIT IT!” and AJ finally cracks and admits…that they’re just friends.  But Vickie now has incriminating voicemails, which may or may not be doctored, or something.  John Cena comes out to slap Ziggler around.  This segment was DEATH.

Big Show v. William Regal

Show slugs on Regal in the corner to start and just keeps punching, but misses an elbow.  Regal makes a fired up babyface comeback, but walks into a chokeslam at 1:30.  Sure, whatever.  ½*  JR wonders if Show is perhaps the most dominating World heavyweight champion IN ALL OF HISTORY.  I’m gonna go with no.

Layla v. Kaitlyn

Winner gets the title shot at the PPV as this storyline just keeps going.  Kaitlyn blocks a bodypress and finishes with the Ratings Drop at 0:45.  Yup.

And now, Jerry Lawler returns, and we finally get the hug with Michael Cole to end their issues.  Jerry says his thanks to the fans…and then CM Punk interrupts.  Oh, here we go, the last ditch attempt to get him heel heat.  Apparently Lawler disrespected Punk by thinking he could stand and fight with the champion, and thus the heart attack was Jerry’s fault.  And he’ll be celebrating his one-year anniversary as champion next week.  This is such a big deal that Paul Heyman has a heart attack on the spot.  And people wonder why wrestling fans are embarrassed of the product.  And now Mick Foley joins us, and he’s ANGRY that the match has been changed because he still wants to teach Punk a lesson.  Punk points out again that none of this involves Mick despite all his yelling and passion.   So Mick is the special enforcer for the Punk-Cena main event tonight.  What any of this had to do with anything, I have no idea.  Why are they continuing to push this Punk-Foley deal that’s not going anywhere?

Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara, Tyson Kidd & Justin Gabriel v. The Primetime Players & The Colons

The PTP double-team Gabriel and hit him with a suplex while Ricardo stops by to give Rosa a love letter.  In the ring, Rey tries the 619 on Primo and misses, but recovers with a springboard dive as we take a break.  Back with Titus holding a bearhug on Rey, and Primo comes in with a facelock.  Rey fights back on Young and gets the hot tag to Kidd, and he runs wild with a low dropkick on Young for two.  Buff Blockbuster, but Epico hits him with a backstabber as we get the big brawl.  Dives abound and Young hits Kidd with a backbreaker for two.  Kidd actually sets up Young for a 619 and Gabriel finishes with the 450 at 10:00.  Good trainwreck match, the kind of stuff they should use to fill time more often.   **1/2

Fandango:  Still coming soon, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Meanwhile, Miz continues the babyface turn that no one asked for, mouthing off Dolph Ziggler and getting added to Mick Foley’s ballot to decide the fifth member of Team Foley.  That ballot as it turns out:  Santino, Zack Ryder or Miz.  If only Linda could have figured out how to rig an election as effectively as this will be rigged.  That really speaks well of Foley that his #1 choices were Santino or Zack.

R-Truth v. Tensai

Tensai pounds Truth down and works on the arm, but Truth necksnaps him and goes up with a missile dropkick for two.  Axe kick and the Little Jimmy finish at 1:40.  Clearly Tensai has stopped caring.  Can’t say as I blame him.

Ryback v. Brad Maddox

The EMTs have a stretcher ready at ringside.  That’s cute, but totally out of character for Ryback.   Maddox runs away, but Ryback grabs him and has his way.  He drops Maddox on the back of his head a bunch of times, which you hate to see from someone as sloppy as Ryback.  Running powerslam and he clotheslines Maddox to the floor, and then back in for three really terrifying powerbombs.  Stop with the head bumps!  We’ve had enough concussions.  Ryback puts him out of his misery at 5:30 after a ridiculously long squash.  DUD  Wow, what a compelling story that was.  Guy works for years to get a chance as a wrestler and immediately gets destroyed and established as a job guy.  Ryback continues beating him up afterwards, toppling the stretcher over and then running him into the ambulance.  This is the guy we’re supposed to be cheering?   What a dick.  Big man, taking out your failure on a referee.

Sheamus v. David Otunga

Sheamus pounds away on Otunga and gets a short clothesline, and White Noise follows.  Brogue Kick finishes at 2:20 as “Three Hours of Squash Matches:  The Musical” continues.

Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan is hurt by Kane teaming with someone else tonight.

The Rhodes Scholars v. Kane & The Miz

I’m thinking that Main Event tag title match is gonna be the end of the Kane-Bryan title reign.  So Miz wins over the two jobbers by 60%-40%, which is kind of embarrassing for him if you think about it.  But no, they’re gonna push Miz and there’s nothing to be done about it.  Miz, who is now all smiling and happy, gets the corner clothesline on Sandow and Kane comes in to throw Cody around.  Miz backdrops Cody to the floor, but gets distracted by Bryan and eats a disaster kick.  The Scholars work him over and Sandow drops the ELBOW OF DISDAIN and hits the chinlock.  Miz comes back with the neckbreaker and it’s hot tag Kane and he hits all his usual stuff.  He cleans house and Miz sends Cody into the post, and the chokeslam finishes at 5:30.  This felt so much longer than that.  *1/2  So yes, Mary Sue Miz saves the day after Daniel Bryan does a million jobs and gets made to look incompetent at every turn.

John Cena v. CM Punk

We’re to the traditional point in the show where I no longer care who wins the main event and I just want to end the show and go to bed.  And they take a commercial break at the THREE HOUR mark.  Holy god.  So this was a Cena-Punk match and it was fine, and Cena wins with the FU to make Jesse Baker’s head explode.  Ryback and Cena argue over the belt to end the show, which is kind of presumptuous on their part to say the least.

The Pulse

Wow, Vickie has new evidence and Paul Heyman fakes a heart attack in order to convince me that Survivor Series is worth watching.  Do I spend my money on GSP’s first fight in two years or this shitty PPV?  Hmm, tough call.