The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 11.15.12
So I was making fun of the new Attitude Era DVD set on the blog a bit, joking it’s probably 7 hours of Vince McMahon promos and 2 minute matches, and wouldn’t you know what showed up in my mailbox this morning. However, the “match” listing as it is, which doesn’t comprise many actual matches, is so batshit crazy awesome that I’m now insanely pumped to review this thing. This is absolutely the only DVD set where you’re gonna get Bart Gunn v. Steve Williams in the Brawl For All and then Undertaker v. Steve Austin in the highest rated match of all time a little later. Kudos to the coked-up geniuses behind this disaster, because this is going to be the FURTHEST thing from boring and that’s what I love!
“Going live is everything.”
– Eric Bischoff.
Taped from Orlando, FL
Your hosts are Todd Keneley & Taz & Mike Tenay. Now they’re just fucking with us. Jeremy Borash was the best part of the commentary team!
James Storm joins us to start, now the #1 contender after the PPV. However, yet again, Bobby Roode interrupts with beer to celebrate. Roode notes that he’ll likely fail yet again and Roode will have to carry him again, and Storm asks if “he’s done running his bottle-sucker” and chases him off. Roode, however, is done fighting unless Storm wants to put his title shot on the line. Roode wants to sex with Storm’s underaged daughter (when she turns 18, I should clarify), and that’s enough to suddenly make Storm stupidly accept this ridiculous challenge.
Meanwhile, the Aces question DOC’s dedication to the cause, and now he’s gonna have to earn his jacket back again. The dartboard picks the next target.
X title: Rob Van Dam v. Kid Kash
Kash attacks to start, but Rob takes him down with the legscissors. Kash slugs away and they do a nice criss-cross before Kash puts RVD on the floor. Kash follows with a rana to the floor and back in for two. Kash goes up with a bulldog and follows with a moonsault, but it misses by a lot. Rob comes back with Rolling Thunder for two. So weird as Tenay talks up Rob’s WWE World title in 2006. Does anyone even remember that? Rob finishes him with a monkey flip into the frog splash to retain. This was every match we’ve ever seen between them. **
Meanwhile, Eric and ODB continue showing their passion.
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle has to choose a partner against the Aces tonight, which is Garrett Bischoff tonight. Wes Brisco seems to feel this is not the best choice.
Jesse Godderz v. Eric Young
Jesse lays him out and gets a powerslam for two. I’m glad he’s wrestling men now so we can actually see what he can do. Snap powerslam and Jesse stops to pose before hitting a legdrop for two. Choking follows, and he gets a really nice dropkick. Just basic stuff but he does it really well for a guy so green. Young finally comes back, but walks into an abdominal stretch, with added posing. Young makes the comeback and drops trou to reveal that although he started as part of Team Canada, he now supports the USA. ODB and Tara brawl while Young gets a powerslam and goes up. Jesse trips him up, however, and finishes with a bicep pose stunner at 5:02. He’s bringing back the stunner! How can you not love this guy? Nothing great here, but for as bad as Jesse was supposed to be he looked totally fine here, and in fact I think they’ve got something with him because he bumps well and is naturally obnoxious. **
Meanwhile, Hogan just CAN’T put Joseph Park back in the ring again, because he’s not trained. Joseph interprets that to mean he should attend a wrestling camp to learn. That could be funny.
TV Title: Samoa Joe v. Magnus
Nope, turns out that Magnus is the target for Devon and his crew tonight, as they lay him out and DOC gives him the BALL PEEN HAMMER OF DEATH. Bully Ray makes the save before Magnus can be finished with a baseball bat.
Meanwhile, Austin Aries congratulates Jeff Hardy, who once again provides his own inner monologue, like a freakier Dexter or something. Is he gonna start talking to the ghost of his dead father to state the obvious next week, too? HOW IS TNA READING JEFF HARDY’S MIND?!? And if they have this technology, why doesn’t someone just use it to figure out who’s under the damn Aces and Eights masks?
Kurt Angle & Garrett Bischoff v. Devon & Some Other Big Masked Dude
Angle hits Devon with a rough suplex, but the other guy (The Professor of Hard Knox?) beats on Garrett a bit. Garrett hits Knox with a shoulderblock and Angle works the arm, but a cheapshot from Devon puts the Aces in control. Devon with a suplex for two. Knox gets a corner splash and cuts off the ring with a facelock, but Angle comes back with suplexes and dumps Devon. Bischoff gets laid out by another mysterious masked dude, and Wes Brisco chases them off as Angle rolls up Knox for the pin at 4:41. Boy, could the stakes BE any lower at this point in the storyline? These guys now lose all the time and are portrayed as inept at their jobs, we have no idea what they even want, and we don’t know who any of them are except for the obvious. This storyline SUCKS. *
Meanwhile, Tara accidentally walks in on Brooke Hogan sharing a moment with Bully Ray (…the fuck?!) and as usual Brooke is all bitchy and sarcastic despite supposedly being a babyface.
Meanwhile, Dixie Carter is really disappointed in how much AJ is slipping lately.
Knockouts Battle Royale: Gail Kim v. Mickie James v. Madison Rayne v. ODB v. Miss Tessmacher
Quite the battle royale roster there. Apparently Mickie had surgery to remove a large mass this past Monday. But…they’re both still there! Also, she’s back to being a smiling babyface again after the heel turn teases before she left. You’d think this was obviously leading to ODB getting a title shot after beating Tara a couple of times. Rayne and Kim double-team ODB, but Tess makes the save before grinding her crotch in Kim’s face and getting tossed out. Now there’s a spot you don’t see in every battle royale. And man, Tessmacher has just become a whole lot of nothing since losing the title, hasn’t she? More vaginal wackiness as the heels get rammed into ODB’s crotch multiple times as a highspot and Rayne goes out via booze to the face. ODB collides with James and gets tossed by Kim as a result. So Kim beats on Mickie in the corner, but gets pulled out with a headscissors at 5:30 to give James the title shot. So that ODB storyline is just kind of done, I guess.
Meanwhile, the Aces kick DOC out of the group for some reason, but it’s a SWERVE and they’re just messing with him. Wes Brisco has once again taken the time to change outfits, back into his Aces gear and mask, after appearing in his good guy guise earlier. WHY? What is the point of the elaborate ruse and wardrobe switches? This storyline makes absolutely no sense. And it feels like they’ve totally given up on it but just keep dedicating 30 minutes a show to it for the hell of it. Even Hogan doesn’t care any more! He’s more concerned about Joe Park hurting himself because he’s such a goof.
AJ Styles joins us to discuss his loss at the PPV. He’s looking like a homeless guy more and more and he’s having a bad year, being accused of banging crack whores and Dixie Carter and such. This brings out Daniels & Kazarian (really? AGAIN?) and really their theory is that AJ is the cause of his own problems. So Daniels suggests one last AJ-Daniels match (didn’t they already have the last one ever?).
Meanwhile, Austin Aries is a master of non-verbal communication, which is perfect because Jeff Hardy can apparently speak to the audience via telepathy.
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle pitches Wes Brisco for the Gut Check next week and D-Lo stands up for it.
#1 Contender match: Bobby Roode v. James Storm
Sponsored by some shitty show on Spike! Quite the pedigree on Storm, as he’s as gullible as Sting and as big of a choker as Lex Luger. At this point I barely even feel sympathy for the character. Roode immediately pulls a turnbuckle off and gets a nice flying armbar takedown off the exposed turnbuckle, and we take a break. Back with Roode working on the arm and getting two. Roode goes to work with a wristlock, but they slug it out and Storm gets a Russian legsweep. Comeback time with an atomic drop and neckbreaker, and Storm goes up and gets brought down again. Storm keeps fighting with a powerbomb for two. Roode escapes the helicopter slam with a spinebuster for two, into the crossface. Storm quickly makes the ropes and hits the codebreaker, but can’t get the superkick, and Roode sends him into the turnbuckle and pins him at 11:00 to win the title shot. Lame finish, decent match. **1/2 And I’m really sick of this matchup, so hopefully Roode v. Hardy will be something fresher.
The Pulse
This was alright, although I was mostly stopping it every other segment to catch up on Wednesday’s comics because it wasn’t holding my attention in the slightest. But FUCK YOU if you bought the PPV to see that #1 contender match, signed TNA. I’m so incredibly over the Aces storyline but they have some long-term plan for it and keep slogging through it regardless of how bored everyone is with it. They really need to find some new matchups not involving WWE castoffs because we’ve seen Daniels v. Styles and Roode v. Storm and Mickie v. Tara all a million times before and they keep going in circles with them.
Next week, though: Alex Silva, Wes Brisco, Taeler Hendrix, Christian York AND Sam Shaw! All on one show! That should be something.
