Join us for a very special edition of the Obnoxious Smackdown Breakdown! Why is it so special? Read on to find out!
John Cena hits the ring for the second week in a row (GET OFF MY SHOW!) to berate Dolph Ziggler and announce that he’s interested in tonight’s main event…Ziggler vs Sheamus! Like we haven’t seen that a million times before. Alberto del Rio interrupts and tells Cena to leave HIS ring, but Cena responds with a cheap shot and we have our opening bout!
Kelly: Hello boys and girls! Are you ready for some Sunday Afternoon Smackdown? Make sure you stay tuned, because I have a very special announcement when it’s over.
Mike: Hey, do you remember when we said that one of the highlights of Smackdown was that we had no John Cena?
Kelly: I remember that well. And hate myself watching him enter the ring now. Blarg.
Mike: That’s two weeks in a row. Do you think they’re doing this just to spite us?
Kelly: Absolutely. I know they read this recap and think, “how can I piss Kelly and Mike off more??”
Mike: Mike and Kelly.
Kelly: Kelly and Mike.
Mike: Duck season.
Kelly: Oh hey look. It’s ADR.
Mike: Who interrupts Cena’s announcement that Ziggler will be facing Sheamus tonight in the main event. Yawn. Seen it.
Kelly: Shocker. Cena is taking Caramel Thunder on, right now.
Mike: Cena’s curtain jerking after jerking AJ’s curtains?!
Kelly: Ew. I just pictured folds after folds of tiny ground beef. You’re a jerk.
Mike: You are absolutely disgusting.
Kelly: I worked with porn.
Mike: I love you.
Kelly: I know it.
John Cena vs Alberto del Rio
Kelly: Cena’s a lot more tolerable with a few mimosas in my system.
Mike: It’s a Sunday afternoon and you’ve already imbibed?
Kelly: …maybe.
Mike: Hey, a brief recap of why these two are fighting. Well, thanks for the split-screen. I had no idea why they are in a match.
Kelly: For funsies.
Mike: What does it say when a strategic, technical luchador like del Rio can’t beat a simple brawler like Cena?
Kelly: That he’s in the WWE, and can’t make the kiddies swoon.
Mike: We come back from a quick break just in time to see del Rio dumped off the top rope!
Kelly: And for a Five Knuckle Shuffle (yawn) that leads into a failed AA.
Mike: Speaking of AA, I think you might need to spend some time there.
Kelly: AA is for quitters. And I like to win.
Mike: So the death of your liver is a victory for you?
Kelly: The liver is evil. It must be punished.
Mike: Speaking of punishment, ADR goes for the Cross Arm Breaker but it’s reversed into the STF!
Kelly: ADR hits a German suplex for a near fall!
Mike: This is actually a damn good opener.
Kelly: But here’s Cena with the Superman schtick…big leg drop to finish it.
Mike: Good example of a legitimate ending. It shows that it doesn’t always have to be a finisher that ends things.
Kelly: Ouch. Ziggler sneak attacks with his briefcase.
Mike: Mathews: “You don’t want to see something like that happen to John Cena.” JBL: “Why not?”
Kelly: JBL: “Call the Waaa-mbulance!”
Mike: Backstage, Kofi tries to get Kane and Daniel Bryan to get along for their upcoming six-man tag.
Kelly: And it seems they CAN get along. Hm. We’ll see about that.
John Cena is backstage complaining to Booker T about what just went down. Booker assures Cena that he’ll handle it and makes John promise not to retaliate. Meanwhile, Great Khali makes short work of David Otunga.
Kelly: Booker is trying to calm Cena down after the attack.
Mike: Yeah, that’ll work.
Kelly: Afterward, both Khali and Otunga get jobber entrances, and the match abruptly starts. And oh hey look, Khali won it already. Like ripping off a bandaid!
Mike: Just as painful: Hornswoggle and Khali dancing after the victory.
Kelly: Some Tribute to the Troops photos. A friend of mine’s buddy is overseas and posted pics of himself with Eve, Truth, and Mr. McMahon.
Mike: That’s cool.
Kofi Kingston and Team Hell No vs Wade Barrett and The Primetime Players
Kelly: Ew. Primetime Players are pairing up with Barrett.
Mike: Yeah, but Team Hell No is coming down to the ring…together?!
Kelly: Sexy.
Mike: Uh, not really.
Kelly: You ain’t gotta front for me, girllll. Meanwhile, a match is happening, or something.
Mike: ……………..
Kelly: Josh Mathews went to Notre Dame? Good man!
Mike: And JBL tears into his grammar for it.
Kelly: How cute. Faces are on top as we fade to commercial.
Mike: And through the magic of DVR, we are back!
Kelly: Greatest invention ever.
Mike: The faces are absolutely owning this shit. Bet all that changes when Barrett gets involved.
Kelly: Bryan chews on Titus’s boot, and then sounds off like a seal yet again.
Mike: This is yet another fun match. I’m enjoying Smackdown so far!
Kelly: Don’t jinx it. Bryan is making Barrett his bitch.
Mike: You mean the other way around.
Kelly: Well, he did for a minute.
Mike: Bryan plays face-in-peril as the heels make a series of hot tags.
Kelly: As the smallest guy in the ring, he should be. That suplex was magical though. Can we start a drinking game? Take a shot every time JBL says “we fight on Friday night.”
Mike: Or when he lies and calls it the “A” show?
Kelly: YES! We’ll be loaded by the second match.
Mike: By the second MINUTE.
Kelly: It’s getting heated now! With shades of Benoit, DB dives, locks in the No Lock, and wins it for the team. Boom.
Mike: Have we actually seen a new arc in the story of Team Hell No, or is this just the usual bait-and-switch?
Kelly: Too soon to tell. OH MY GOD LOOK AT STRIKER’S PORN ‘STACHE.
Mike: He looks like a bartender from Deadwood.
Kelly: It looks…weird.
Mike: And yet no mention that he looks like Sheamus.
Kelly: Because it looks so…weird. And patchy. And…no.
Raw Rebound: The Shield strikes again after denying they are working with CM Punk.
Kelly: I feel like we’ve had more “Last Monday on Raw…” segments than anything else tonight. Jesus.
Mike: Here comes The Shield, minus Michael Chiklis.
Kelly: Ha!
Mike: Dressed as the Big Bossman’s Corporate persona.
Kelly: I’m just happy to see that one of the Samoans doesn’t have a belt size the same as the equator.
Damien Sandow heads to the ring to enlighten one fan from the crowd. He asks a series of questions, two of which are simple while the third is ridiculously difficult. The “fan” obviously fails and is berated for it.
Mike: Damien Sandow is going the old school heel route of selecting a fan (read: plant) from the crowd to humiliate.
Kelly: Look at that guys nose, he’s definitely an indy wrestler.
Mike: Looks like a Christmas elf.
Kelly: Ha! When is he going to knock the basketball out of his hand? Time to pipe in the boos.
Mike: Does anyone else notice that this is the “Bridge of Death” scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
Kelly: “What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?”
Mike: “African or European?”
Kelly: “I don’t know…ahhhhhhhh!”
Tyson Kidd vs Damien Sandow
Mike: Here comes another squash! Unfortunately, it’s Tyson Kidd.
Kelly: As long as Kidd has appropriate hair, I’m okay with whatever else he does.
Mike: Clearly that’s the most important thing to help his career.
Kelly: They need to stop mentioning that he’s the last student of the Hart Dungeon. Unless they plan to do something more than have him job out, it kind of discredits Stu Hart’s name.
Mike: Aaaaaand he gets jobbed out.
Kelly: Wow, a clip of the second kid whose Make-A-Wish was granted by Cena…I’m getting all girly.
Mike: I respect the hell out of that man.
Kelly: I do too. I’ve worked with kids for 5 years, two of which have been with at-risk kids. Stuff like that is why the WWE is so important.
Mike: And then we get the soap opera story of AJ and Cena.
Kelly: Ugh.
The Usos vs 3MB
Mike: The Usos are on the show, jobbing to the WWE’s version of the Blue World Order.
Kelly: This. Is. RIDICULOUS. McIntyre looks like a buffoon.
Mike: Jinder is the oddball in the group. Drew seems to be enjoying it.
Kelly: Drew seems to fit the gimmick. But why does Jinder Mahal still happen??
Mike: I don’t know, but the Fabulous Freebirds they are NOT. RIP Buddy Roberts.
Kelly: This match is doing nothing for me.
Mike: The Usos have started to put on their father’s weight.
Kelly: I noticed that. Their belly buttons look a little more depressed than usual. Much like Koslov’s did. Oh, and they like, won and stuff.
Mike: Not the Usos. 3MB won.
Kelly: That’s what I meant. Pronouns are important, kids.
Mike: And at TLC in my hometown of Brooklyn, we’ll get the MUCH-ANTICIPATED MAIN EVENT of Sheamus vs Big Show.
Kelly: HOORAY. Meanwhile, I’m counting down the days until the Rumble in MY hometown.
Mike: I’m insulted that the WWE’s first-ever PPV in Brooklyn has such a shitty card. And you get The Rock.
Kelly: WWE loves AZ. And it’s the only one that loves AZ GET ME OUTTA HERE!
Sheamus vs Dolph Ziggler
Kelly: Is that cut on Sheamus’ nose ever going to finally heal?
Mike: It’s like my heart after every break-up.
Kelly: I’d be able to sympathize if only I had a heart.
Mike: Tin Woman.
Kelly: I am, I am…
Mike: Ziggler is in control on the always-gassed Sheamus.
Kelly: Not for long. Here comes Super-Sheamus!
Mike: Hey, no Randy Orton tonight.
Kelly: Oh snap! I didn’t even notice!
Mike: More like, “Oh snatch!” Is he still in there, Kel?
Kelly: Kelly Kelly is no longer with the company, Mike. Get it right.
Mike: All this time and you FINALLY get a decent comeback. Not bad, my young apprentice.
Kelly: I’ve had enough practice, what with you beating a dead horse for the last 12 years.
Mike: Hey, Texas Cloverleaf has summoned the Big Show for the DQ!
Kelly: Damn, that was pretty cool. You know, until Show arrived.
Mike: And Cena makes the save to take out the heels.
Kelly: Sheamus and Cena working together in synchronization looks strange.
Final Thoughts
Mike: Thoughts?
Kelly: Well, we have our main event for either Raw or SD, that’s for sure. Otherwise, not a bad show. But WHERE WAS MY GIRLFRIEND?!
Mike: With Randy Orton?
Kelly: …how dare you.
Mike: Yup.
Kelly: Too mean.
Mike: I believe you have an announcement to make?
Kelly: I do. Try to contain your exclamation of joy…I’m taking an extended break from writing for Pulse. I know I’m not much on this site, but I’ve been here for two and a half years and have loved it, but need some time away for the time being. Save your celebrating for next week.
Mike: I guess this is the part where you say, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Kelly: And that I just need to focus on my career, and I still want to be friends.
Mike: Yup. I’ve heard all that before.
Kelly: I’m sure you have.
Mike: I suppose this is it for us for the foreseeable future, eh? Back to doing these recaps all by my lonesome?
Kelly: Ah, you’re better off. And so is the Pulse Realm. You don’t need my Star Wars obsession and affinity for Kaitlyn’s boobs.
Mike: I suppose it’s time, in the grand tradition of George Burns, for you to say good night, Kelly.
Kelly: Good night, Kelly.
Mike: So long….
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
