Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 12.14.12 (Sheamus vs Cesaro)

Welcome back to another THRILLING recap of the WWE’s B-Show….unless you’re asking JBL his opinion. Poor guy…he’s stuck in the past.

Big Show vs R-Truth
We start things off with Antonio Cesaro and Sheamus on commentary as Big Show lumbers to the ring. I’m assuming this is a match against R-Truth…..and just as I type that, he struts down to the ring. I’m not sure having Truth get squashed by the World Heavyweight Champion is a great way to put over his match with Cesaro this Sunday. They battle to the outside and we get a teased fight between Sheamus and Show, but as you know they’re not allowed to touch one another. TENSION!!! Back in the ring, Truth gets the upper hand but a WMD finishes him off pretty quickly. After the match, Sheamus and Show have a war of words but Cesaro shoves the Great White into Big Show and he counts that as Sheamus touching him! Oh jeez, are they really going to tease the possibility that the match is off with such a flimsy premise?

I’m sure we’ll get more of this crap throughout the show, ending with the match still being on for Sunday anyway. This would have been better if it were a match people were dying to see.

Big Show meets up with Booker T backstage and demands that the match at TLC is off. Booker says he saw what happened and the match is NOT off. Well, that was resolved pretty quickly. Back to the ring, where Damien Sandow is looking for his apprentice still. He says that he is disappointed with his search thus far and is instead going to bring out his “best friend” Cody Rhodes. Awww. Cody’s porn ‘stache does all the talking for him as he says there is no dissension between Team Rhodes Scholars. Before he can say anything else, out come the Usos.

So the Usos get more air time all of a sudden, but they’re still going to get jobbed out? I hope they still get a decent chance in this match like they did last Monday.

Team Rhodes Scholars vs The Usos
It’s your standard back-and-forth tag team match and the Usos actually look pretty decent here. Sandow picks up the victory with a roll-up and a handful of tights. Looks like they’re trying to make the Usos look legitimate these days, which is a good sign if Team Rhodes Scholars begins to dominate the tag division. Backstage, Big Show pleads his case to David Otunga.

Forget what I said earlier by ending the asinine “Sheamus touched me” angle. This is gonna drag on all night, isn’t it?

Big Show’s back in the ring and this time he’s got Otunga with him. Blah blah blah Booker T is biased blah blah blah we’re 20 miles from Titan Towers blah blah blah Board of Directors will help us blah blah blah. Booker interrupts with some legalese that doesn’t sound legit and says the match is STILL on. Sheamus interrupts the proceedings to point out that if the match IS called off, there’s nothing stopping him from assaulting Big Show right now. Big Show backs down in the face of that revelation and Otunga eats a Brogue Kick as JBL spouts off about always wanting to do that to a guy from Harvard.

Forty minutes in and this problem is resolved rather quickly. Thank Cthulhu.

Kaitlyn vs Aksana

Back from break and apparently The Shield put Randy Orton through a table. Ah, kayfabe. I’m sure the WWE just loves the fact that one of their cash cows is legit hurt…again. So how do we deal with such a terrible mishap? With a terrible Divas match, of course! It’s Aksana’s wig versus Kaitlyn’s bewbs. This entire match is literally Aksana trapping Kaitliyn in a headlock, with Kaitlyn trying repeatedly to escape it. Dear god. She FINALLY escapes and nails the gutbuster for the win.

That was embarrassing. A three-minute rest hold match? I thought Randy Orton was just shelved!

The Miz is standing in the ring and his piped-in cheers make this face turn all the more cringe-worthy. He finally addresses The Shield beating him up last week and brings out Team Hell No as his guests. Daniel Bryan and Kane do their best to promote the main event of TLC until The Shield’s shaky cam interrupts. They talk shit and appear to be heading to the ring……but they stop in the skybox before they waltz down into the crowd. Ryback’s music hits and he heads to the ring, stopping The Shield dead in their tracks.

I wish The Shield were built up more with a few wins before this match took place. It feels like a rushed version of the Nexus angle.

The Great Khali, Hornswoggle, Tyson Kidd, and Justin Gabriel vs Epico, Primo, and The Primetime Players

Natalya and Rosa are at ringside for their respective teams, and this is EVERYTHING that’s wrong with the tag team division. The odd couple of Khali and Hornswoggle is being pushed over the three teams they share the ring with, and all for the sake of comedy and spectacle. You want to legitimize the division? Let the real tag teams show you how it’s done. Anywho, Rosa gets involved at ringside and Nattie takes her out of the picture as we get a nice down-blouse shot. Kidd gets the surprise win and everyone fends for themselves as we get a series of tag team money shots.

Why did they save the hot spots for AFTER the match?

Kofi Kingston vs Alberto del Rio

Although these two have had quite a number of matches in the past, it’s always good to see them go at it again. One thing of note: how weird is it that del Rio is not on the card for Sunday night? Kofi counters del Rio’s early kicks as JBL proudly touts that he is using Rosetta Stone to chat with del Rio backstage. I love this man’s commentary. Meanwhile, these two are giving it their all and we hit a stalemate for a commercial break. When we return, not much has changed as they trade moves and two-counts. Del Rio kicks Kingston in the back and mocks the set-up for Trouble in Paradise. Kofi takes the arrogance out of del Rio but it’s all for naught as Alberto gets right back on the offensive. Kofi battles back but eats a back suplex. ADR shows frustration with an attempted suplex that gets turned into a roll-up from Kofi for the win! Wade Barrett tries to attack from behind but eats Trouble in Paradise for his trouble!

That was a hell of a competitive match. I like how so many good matches these days don’t necessarily have to end with a finisher. Kudos to both participants!

Raw Rebound: Dolph Ziggler vs John Cena at TLC for the Money in the Bank briefcase.

I covered my thoughts on this match here.


Sheamus vs Antonio Cesaro

I’m looking forward to a good brawl here. Cesaro gets first blood with a shoulder block that takes the big man off his feet. Sheamus whips Cesaro into the corner and spears him in the gut to take control. Sheamus hits the rolling Senton for two. The trade the advantage until Cesaro takes full control with an old school lift. Sheamus escapes his beating with a series of running axe handles and a flying battering ram off the top rope! Clubbing blows in the ropes and a suplex back into the ring…and William Regal has just been assaulted on the ramp by Big Show! Sheamus rushes to Regal’s aid and gets counted out. Sheamus restrains himself from attacking Show as the program ends.

Interesting to see how Sheamus and Cesaro have traded count out victories with one another. I wonder if the company expects a good feud between these two down the road.

That’ll do for this weekend’s edition of the Smackdown Report. Don’t forget to vote in the 2012 Goji Awards and I’ll see you all next Tuesday for a live Super Smackdown…which means it will probably suck major ass.

So long, and thanks for the fish.

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