The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 12.20.12
Taped from Orlando, FL.
Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Mike Tenay & Taz
TV Title: Devon v. Kurt Angle
Man, if the world ends tomorrow and we never find out who the Vice President of Aces & Eights is, it’s gonna make the last day on earth a really annoying one. Kurt Angle brings out Brisco, Bischoff and Joe to watch his back, because he’s very stupid. How the heck can Devon comfortably wrestle wearing more layers of clothing than a Muslim woman? He’s dressed for Canadian winter there in Florida, that’s gotta be killing him. They do some basic stuff to start and a big brawl erupts at ringside, resulting in the referee ejecting both groups. Devon clips the knee in the chaos and we take a break. A LENGTHY break, 5 minutes worth in fact. Like really? It’s a taped show, guys. Back with Devon working on the leg for a bit before Angle makes the comeback with a belly to belly for two. Devon with the spinebuster for two. Angle hits him with the rolling germans and it’s anklelock time, and it’s yet another Aces run-in, allowing one of them to hit Angle with a bat and put Devon on top to retain at 11:50. These guys just do not work well together. *1/2
Meanwhile, Brooke Hogan hears out arguments for the Knockouts title tonight, with ODB, Tessmacher, Velvet Sky and Mickie James. I’m pretty over these segments. It was cute once or twice, but now listening to Brooke be like “ODB, you can’t focus on the title because your husband is injured” is just getting dumb.
Matt Morgan & Joey Ryan v. RVD & Kenny King
The babyfaces work Ryan over in the corner, but Morgan comes in and creams King with a kneelift to take over. Morgan beats King down and Ryan does the Nash choke in the corner while fondling himself, which is something I didn’t need to see. Morgan continues the beating with a sideslam, but King gets a rollup on Ryan for two and makes the hot tag to RVD. King with a spinkick on Ryan while RVD sells an eyepoke, and King bails on the match and leaves Rob to take the big boot from Morgan and get pinned at 4:55. The heels are not what you’d call good or anything. *1/2
Meanwhile, Kazarian promises a Christmas surprise for later.
Hulk Hogan is out to talk about something that only he can understand, and this prompts Devon to respond that 2013 is when Aces & Eights will be revealed and goals accomplished. Great, so it’s gonna take another YEAR. They threaten an attack on Hogan, but Bully makes the save.
Meanwhile, Brooke blows off the deliberations because it’s a busy day and eliminates Tessmacher because she wants to see how things play out between Velvet and Mickie. Huh?
Kazarian is out and celebrating, which means Christopher Daniels gets to enjoy a special Yuletide appletini and meet Santa. They give St. Nick the gift of ZUBAZ, but all this silliness brings out an offended James Storm because Daniels has NOT been a good boy and therefore is making a mockery of the holiday. Daniels suggests that Storm go on the naughty list, and Storm is skeptical that it’s the real Santa. So he quizzes him on what he got for Christmas last year, and when he can’t answer “A case of beer” correctly, he gets superkicked. Tremendous.
Knockouts Title: Tara v. Mickie James
Brooke eliminates Velvet beforehand, but makes sure to give her advice for her eventual title match. How is Brooke Hogan qualified to give anyone advice on ANYTHING? Mickie gains the advantage quickly, but Jesse trips her up and Tara takes over with a hairtoss. That match with Bully last week really boosted Jesse’s stock with me, actually. Tara SHOOTS THE HALF and gets two, then whips Mickie into the corner for two. Tara sets up for an F5, but Mickie reverses into a crucifix for two. Tara powerslams her for two. She pounds away on the back, but Mickie comes back with clotheslines and a neckbreaker for two. Mickie with the DDT, but Jesse pulls Tara out of the ring to save the pin and they decide to all t a night. Mickie hits Jesse with a dive to express her displeasure, but Tara gets an inverted atomic drop for the pin at 7:03. Good stuff. **3/4
Meanwhile, in OVW, Joseph Park continues training with Danny Davis, and takes an accidental shot to the nose from a new guy, transforming him into Abyss long enough to destroy the poor guy. MY NAME IS JOSEPH. Damn right it is.
TNA World Rageface title: Jeff Hardy v. Austin Aries
Hardy slugs away and Aries bails, but gets a cheapshot to take over. Hardy fights out of a suplex and clotheslines him out of the ring, but dives and hits the railing by mistake. And we take a break. Back with Aries choking him out while yelling at the idiot fans, and an elbowdrop gets two. He goes to the chinlock, but Hardy elbows out before Aries puts him down again. DIBIASE FISTDROP gets two. Aries slugs him down in the corner, but Hardy comes back with a headscissors before a flying splash hits knee. Aries tries the brainbuster, but Hardy reverses to a front suplex and makes the comeback. This time the splash hits and gets two. Jeff goes for the headscissors again, but Aries drops him on the top rope to block and takes over again. Dropkick into the corner gets two. Hardy hits him with an inverted powerbomb, but misses the whisper in the wind. Aries tries the brainbuster, but Jeff knees him on the way up to break, and hits the Twist Stunner. A second try is countered by Aries, but he goes up and misses, and the ref is bumped. Aries goes low and hits his brainbuster, but Bobby Roode takes out the replacement ref and then attacks Aries, allowing Hardy to finish with the Twist of Fate and swanton at 18:07. Not quite PPV quality, but it’s a free TV match so it’s fine. I guess they’re doing a three-way at the PPV. ***
Meanwhile, Bully Ray and Brooke are sucking face in the parking lot as Hulk awkwardly looks on. Could there be a less dynamic couple than Bully and Brooke?
Second hour was all good stuff, which makes this an easy thumbs up this week.
Tags: Aces & Eights, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode, Brooke Hogan, devon, Hulk Hogan, Jeff Hardy, Kurt Angle, SmarK Rants, tna impact