Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 1.4.13 (Orton/Sheamus vs Cesaro/Big Show)

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Time for the first Smackdown of the new year! Well, one that was taped BEFORE 2012 ended, but you get the idea.

We open with a recap of Orton’s return to Raw after getting his ass handed to him by the Shield, as well as Alberto del Rio’s face turn following Big Show’s treatment of Ricardo Rodriguez. Orton heads to the ring to declare his New Year’s Resolution: he wants to be World Heavyweight Champion. Therefore, he will be in the Royal Rumble this year. I love how these guys can just say, “I’m in the Rumble” without technically earning a spot. Here comes Sheamus to say the exact same thing. Huh. He thanks Orton for saving him from the Shield last week but Randy says he did it for himself. We get a series of threats from both men to eliminate one another from the Rumble (well, duh…it’s Royal Rumble season) until Big Show comes out to the ramp to say he’ll bust both of them up. And just because, Antonio Cesaro shows up too. He calls them all lazy Americans who talk too much (although Sheamus reminds Cesaro that he’s Irish) and Booker T makes his requisite appearance to make tonight’s main event a tag team match.

Cesaro’s getting quite the rub tonight…even if it does mean he’ll take the fall for his team.

The Miz vs Heath Slater
The 3MB accompany Slater to the ring as JBL calls them the “air guitar version of the Spirit Squad.” You know it’s bad when the heel commentator is ripping on the heels in the match. This is a good way to get some crowd support for Miz: give him an opponent the fans despise more and put him up against the numbers game. Both of Slater’s band mates try to attack Miz but he takes care of them. The referee ejects them from ringside and Slater escapes the ring to set up a commercial break. Seriously? Heath Slater gets a commercial break? He even says, “You gotta be kidding me” before we fade out, as if to justify my response. When we come back, Miz wins. What? Did you expect a different result? In all seriousness though, they actually have quite the protracted match.

I still don’t see much of anything in Heath Slater, but he did his job of getting the crowd to rally behind The Miz….so there’s that.

Matt Striker is backstage interviewing Wade Barrett, asking him about the Gauntlet match he had on Main Event. Barrett berates Striker and says that Kofi beat him on Wednesday after Barrett had already beaten three other men, so as far as Kofi is concerned he’s out of luck after tonight.

Great Khali, Hornswoggle, and Natalya vs Epico, Primo, and Rosa Mendes
Something something something Rosa shakes her hips quite well something something the faces pick up the win. JBL hilariously calls Great Khali a remnant from the Permian extinction, which elicits a chuckle out of me. He also throws out that Hornswoggle’s Leprechaun remake is actually his autobiography. Gotta love this man on commentary.

Striker is now backstage with Kofi Kingston, who overacts about how tonight might be his last shot and he always has his back against the wall. Aw, how plucky.

So far, two matches that went on for way too long. I hope this Intercontinental Championship match delivers to make up for it.

Intercontinental Championship: Wade Barrett vs Kofi Kingston
JBL does a great job talking up the importance of being a champion and wanting to hold the gold while simultaneously shitting on the previous match by calling it horrible. Kofi has Barrett on the ropes, which forces the champ to slow things down by heading out of the ring. This does nothing to deter Kingston, who tosses Barrett into the steel steps before sending him back in for a two count. Barrett shifts the momentum with stomps and stiff shots to the ribs. Kofi fights back with a series of roll-ups and dumps Barrett to the outside, following it up with a flying cross body! Barrett manages to fight back and tosses Kofi back into the ring before feigning injury to get himself counted out. Kofi will have none of that though and he breaks the count to send Barrett back in for another roll-up. When we come back from a quick commercial break, Barrett is in full control. Kingston manages to hit a cross body off the top rope to reverse the momentum and Wade favors his ribs. Kofi connects with the SOS for two and a Boom Drop before calling for Trouble in Paradise, but Barrett dodges and they trade pin attempts until Wade nails the Winds of Change for two! Kofi avoids the Souvenir Elbow and hits Trouble in Paradise…but Barrett falls out of the ring! Kofi sends him back in but Wade grabs the bottom rope to save his title. Kofi charges after Barrett in the corner but eats a boot and the elbow, ending the match for the challenger.

That was a hell of a match between these two. Not among the best I’ve seen, but a great match for free TV. Barrett still needs a better finisher than his elbow.

Layla vs Tamina
Tamina’s slimmed down quite a bit. Looks like both Divas are sort of floating around after AJ was turned heel and Eve was put in an angle with Kaitlyn. Tamina wins.

Raw Rebound: John Cena drops poo on AJ Lee and Dolph Ziggler. What a symbolic way to end 2012 in the WWE.

One can only hope that great things come from this union between AJ and Dolph.

Big Show and Antonio Cesaro vs Sheamus and Randy Orton
Sheamus and Cesaro start the match with a lock-up and a knock down by the United States Champion. Sheamus returns the favor and we’re at a stalemate until Sheamus drags Antonio to Orton and makes the tag. Randy goes to work on Cesaro and then tags in Sheamus to keep Cesaro on the ropes. Antonio prevents a suplex from Sheamus and manages to tag in Big Show, who knocks the Great White on his ass. Show goes for a cheap shot on Orton but misses, so he and Sheamus clothesline Show out of the ring to send us to our final commercial break. When we return, Sheamus nails his “Clubberin'” (as JBL calls it) to Cesaro. Antonio makes a blind tag to Big Show and Sheamus eats a Spear for it! Show dominates Sheamus and hits a Choke Slam for two! Sheamus dodges the WMD and nails a Brogue Kick! Both men make crawling tags and Orton unleashes hell on Cesaro! Antonio escapes the draping DDT and Sheamus tags himself in to work over Cesaro. White Noise connects and Orton looks pissed that he was tagged out. Orton intercepts a Brogue Kick for an RKO on Cesaro and Sheamus looks miffed that his thunder was stolen from him as he begrudgingly pins Antonio for the win.

The big news is that we’re headed for a lengthy Sheamus/Orton feud, which I’m sure will stem from the Royal Rumble onward. Nothing new here tonight other than the budding angle between Orton and Sheamus. Whatever happened to addressing the Shield? And why bring up what happened with del Rio and Ricardo if neither showed up tonight?

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Since February of 2011, "The Master of Smarkasm" Mike Gojira has tickled the funny bones of Inside Pulse readers with his insightful comedy, timely wit, and irreverent musings on the world of professional wrestling. Catch his insanely popular column, The Stomping Ground, whenever he feels like posting a new edition (hey, I've earned the right). He is also totally modest and doesn't know the meaning of hyperbole.