Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 1.19.13 (del Rio/Sheamus vs Ziggler/Big Show)

Welcome back to the only Smackdown coverage on Inside Pulse! Unless you count spoiler postings on Wednesday mornings…

We start things off with Alberto del Rio’s championship fiesta, now that he’s the new World Heavyweight Champion. There’s a mariachi band and a flamenco dancer in the ring as Ricardo Rodriguez brings out his boss (who’s rocking a white suit). He tells the crowd that even though they haven’t seen eye-to-eye in the past, everyone should agree that it’s great to have gotten the title off of Big Show. Dolph Ziggler, AJ Lee, and their useless bodyguard (two matches with Cena and he can’t do his job?) interrupt and Ziggler threatens to have Big E destroy del Rio and then Ziggler will cash in his Money in the Bank contract. Big Show stops the proceedings and joins up with Ziggler….until Sheamus makes the save! In typical babyface fashion, del Rio and Sheamus make amends illogically and they shake hands. Awwww! Sheamus offers to help del Rio out tonight and we have our tag team main event for the evening, courtesy of Booker T. The heels leave and we get a spinaroonie and Sheamus dancing to mariachi music (ineptly, I might add).

I’d just like to ask why the WWE is keeping Big E Langston with Dolph Ziggler, as his services have yet to assist Ziggler in defeating John Cena on two occasions. Other than that, this was inoffensive for an opening segment.

Kofi Kingston vs Antonio Cesaro
Cesaro gets the jobber entrance as we recap his appearance on MizTV this past Monday. At the start of the match, Cesaro bullies Kofi into the corner but he quickly fights out. Kofi dodges a few rope charges but gets his face dropped on the bottom rope. Antonio is in full control as The Miz watches from backstage. Was that a smattering of boos I heard as Miz’s mug popped up onscreen? Kingston makes the plucky face comeback as JBL reminds us that this is the 700th episode of Smackdown. Holy crap. Kofi tries a top rope hurracanrana but he gets caught and nailed with the Neutralizer! After the match, Miz meets up with Epico, Primo, and Rosa Mendes. They banter back and forth and ultimately Rosa gets to pick which half of her team faces Miz tonight.

That was a cool finishing sequence. It looks like Kofi’s headed for Enhancement Talent Land.

The Great Khali w/ Natalya vs Tensai
Josh Mathews compares this match-up to Optimus Prime’s rivalry with Megatron. Is it because both men fight and move like robots? Tensai is done in about 60 seconds with a big chop. JBL asks if Jim Neidhart knows his daughter is a Punjabi Princess. I think a better question would be, “Why are you wasting your talents in that company as a farting valet?”

Daniel Bryan and Kane are backstage questioning Dr. Shelby’s tactics from Monday night. They both agree that Cody Rhodes has terrible facial hair and Kane implies that DB does as well. They argue until Randy Orton interrupts. Bryan tells Orton to focus on tonight’s six-man tag match and then they can all have a group hug.

That was good as usual from Team Hell No. As for that Khali match? Ugh. So far, there hasn’t been a good bout on this show. Maybe the upcoming tag match will change that.

Randy Orton and Team Hell No vs Wade Barrett and Team Rhodes Scholars

Apparently The Shield destroyed Randy Orton and The Miz on Wednesday night. I love how the victims of The Shield seem to just ignore getting revenge every week unless The Shield shows up in some capacity. These guys have beaten Miz and Orton’s ass on more than one occasion; have some balls and seek those heels out! Team Hell No starts things off trading tags to take apart Cody. Bryan goes for the No Lock but his opponent rolls out of the ring and we cut to a commercial. When we return, the heels are working over Kane until Rhodes hits a misstep and both sides tag out. Orton takes care of business as all hell breaks loose. Orton goes for the RKO on Rhodes but it gets reversed into a CrossRhodes! Sandow covers but Kane breaks it up! Everyone scatters and Orton recovers in time to drop Sandow with the RKO and cover him for the win! After the match, Kane and Bryan sandwich Randy for a hug.

I like how they teased another clean loss for Orton with the RKO reversal; I was on the verge of cheering until Kane made the save, which is technically the opposite of what the WWE machine wants the fans to do.

Raw Rebound: The Rock’s concert from last Monday night. The Clapton parody was hysterical (nice job, Brian Gewirtz). The rest, not so much.

The Miz vs Primo w/ Epico and Rosa Mendes
Looks like Rosa’s hips chose Primo for this contest. Primo helps Miz look like a ring general in the opening moments until he nails a kitchen sink and turns the tide. Typical back-and-forth between the two until Epico gets on the apron for the distraction. It doesn’t work and…now we get a Figure Four from The Miz. Primo taps out and I die a little inside.

I hope this isn’t a new move in Miz’s repertoire, as the Figure Four doesn’t really fit Miz’s character and style. Perhaps it’s just a tribute and nothing more (I can hope).

Kaitlyn and her bewbs are backstage with Alicia Fox and Layla, who stares at the Divas Championship like it’s her Precious. What happened to pushing Tamina as the top heel Diva? And speaking of Divas, all we have left are the four aforementioned ladies, Aksana, Rosa, Natalya, and AJ…and none of them wrestle much these days. Jeez, this division is in a worse state than the tag team scene.

Kaitlyn vs Aksana

So Eve quit via a website app and the division continues to deflate like a bad boob job. Kaitlyn’s bewbs win. The match, I mean.

We get a career retrospective of Mick Foley in celebration of his impending Hall of Fame induction. I can’t wait to be there live.

The Shield spout their rhetoric via Shaky Cam again. Sheamus, Ryback, and Orton need to watch their backs blah blah we have no direction in this company blah blah injustice. We get a shot of Sheamus and Orton discussing what they’re going to do to The Shield when they find them. Orton says he doesn’t need Sheamus’s help and he’s focused primarily on the Royal Rumble. Well isn’t that nice.

Alberto del Rio and Sheamus vs Big Show and Dolph Ziggler w/ AJ Lee and Big E Langston
So here’s why del Rio is World Heavyweight Champion. Honestly, if they were worried about contract negotiations, why not just give the belt back to Sheamus? Not that I’m complaining about what we have now, mind you. Ziggler and del Rio start the match, with the champ firmly in control. Sheamus tags in and Ziggler is stuck in the face corner. We get a nice stalled vertical suplex spot for a two count. Big Show tags in and the heels finally gain the advantage as he batters the Great White. Sheamus goes to the outside and Big E tries to interfere, but the ref is having none of that and ejects him from ringside. AJ goes nuts and the official sends her packing too as we take our final break. When we return, Big Show has taken a cheap shot on Sheamus which allows Ziggler to take over. Show tags in and attacks Sheamus’s leg but the Great White counters with his clubbing blows while he’s stuck under Show in the middle of the ring! It’s not enough for him to regroup, though, as Show continues the punishment with a second rope splash that gets a near fall! Sheamus avoids a second squash and del Rio gets the hot tag! A kick to the side of Ziggler’s head gets a two and we get a Cross Arm Breaker until Big Show drops the leg! Sheamus gets back in and drops Show with White Noise! Del Rio throws water onto Show and he walks away from the ring in embarrassment as Ziggler, who rolled out of the ring, gets counted out.

And so ends a rather uneventful Smackdown. Nothing great, nothing bad; just so-so.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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