Welcome! This is the second out of thirteen stops on “That Being Said: The WrestleMania Expedition”. For anyone unfamiliar with my work or recaps, I have disclaimers at the bottom of the article along with the “Expedition” schedule.
What the fuck is WWE Main Event, you ask? Well, I’m glad you… okay, well, honestly, I have no idea. I’ve never seen it before. I didn’t even know when it was on. In fact, I’m pretty certain I thought it was WWE Superstars until this week.
So then, I went and looked it up. The show features small video recaps and coverage of the week’s RAW and SmackDown programs, interviews wrestlers, and has two exclusive matches per episode. And it’s only an hour long!
Actually, this sounds pretty good. What could be so bad about…
… oh fuck no.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
That Being Said: The WrestleMania Expedition
Part 2 of 13: WWE Main Event – 01.21.2013
The show starts and we’re talking to Miz and Michael Cole. The Miz says he’s going to win the Royal Rumble. The worst part is that he’s probably actually got a shot.
They show one of those Royal Rumble video packages where they throw out random numbers and say how they relate to Royal Rumble. “TWO: this is the number of people former Royal Rumble winner Chris Benoit murdered.”
Matt Striker is talking to Ryback. He asks how Ryback is preparing for his first Royal Rumble.
Ryback: For someone who thrives on more, the Royal Rumble match is mine for the taking. Tonight, I prepare for the Royal Rumble match at getting another shot at Antonio Cessaro. By the time I’m done with him, Swiss Miss is gonna look like swiss cheese… that was a joke. I can be funny too.”
Okay, that was kinda funny.
Miz announces his newest major accomplishment from commentary – that he actually made it onto the pre-show against Cessaro.
Antonio Cessaro comes out and makes fun of Miz. Miz is a douchebag and laughs and claps at this and is like “WHOOOAAAAAAAAA”. I fucking hate The Miz. I hope he gets donkey punched. Cessaro then makes fun of Ryback, and people start the “FEED ME MORE” chant. He keeps talking until Ryback’s music hits. Miz and Cole make jokes about laughing at or with Ryback. This fucking commentary.
Ryback .vs. Antonio Cessaro
So, we all know Ryback sucks. But this is actually something that I could see being a reasonable main event of a mid-card show. Both fairly prominent guys on WWE shows as of late. Although, this isn’t the main event – the main event of Main Event was spoiled for me when I looked on the ION webpage to find out what time this show was on, and I don’t know how THAT match (I won’t spoil it) got main event status before THIS match got main event status on WWE Main Event. Also, what the fuck is ION, anyway? WWE isn’t putting shows on public access channels now, are they?
Ryback pushes Cessaro against the ropes. Cessaro comes back with a headlock and a big boot on Ryback. Ryback catches a second big boot, and confronted with a chances to perform a wrestling move, Ryback chooses to simply toss him to the ground. He then tries a headlock and goes “WHO’S THE MAN?!” but the camera goes to Miz who explains that there is 30 wrestlers in the Royal Rumble. Ryback hits a few chops and a higher kick. He then splashes Cessaro in the corner, and looks pretty pleased with himself. “RUN INTO MAN, HE GET HURT. THAT GOOD!” Ryback then bounces off the ropes but runs right into a nice Cessaro clothesline – that was a cool spot, actually, how Cessaro just bounced back and kicked his ass. Commercial.
Cessaro goes to the second rope, but Ryback catches him and runs him into the corner. He tosses Cessaro into the opposite corner and looks very pleased with himself. He then chops and kicks him a bit. Then he tosses him into the same corner as before. Then he tosses him back into the corner he just tossed him out of. Jesus. Cessaro comes back with a big boot and takes him down. Both guys down and… commercial?!?! This network runs a lot of fucking commercials.
We come back, and Cessaro has him in a clothesline and is surprisingly fairing quite well against Ryback. Miz is talking about how he’s going to win the Royal Rumble after beating Cessaro with the US Title. Ryback is showing his wrestling skills be repeatedly pushing Cessaro’s head into the mat. He then does a gorilla press and clotheslines him out of the ring.
Miz tosses Cessaro back into the ring, and Ryback gives him a body-drop. Cessaro ducks a big splash and hits a nice double-stomp in the ring. This only gets him one, then Cessaro hits a running knee to the face. 2-count. Miz is confusing Cessaro’s name with Ryback’s name because he’s a fucking moron. He runs down some past US Champions, as Ryback hits a clothesline.
Cessaro rolls out of the ring. He’s getting counted out on purpose. Miz makes fun of him.
Winner By Count-Out: Ryback
Okay match I suppose, Ryback is pretty limited but I was impressed they managed to make Cessaro look as good as he did when we all knew he wasn’t winning. Especially after Miz tossed him right into Ryback and Ryback took his head off, he still managed to dodge a big splash and hit a double stomp. A few nice spots.
Miz says he knows how to win titles and is going to beat Cessaro on Sunday. There’s way too much fucking Miz on this show. I hope he gets Cat AIDS.
Video package for Punk / Rock.
We come back and recap Rock and Punk from Monday night. I like The Shield, but I don’t get that whole triple-powerbomb thing. It actually looks much weaker than an individual powerbomb. Doesn’t it? Or is it me? And they had Rock COUGH UP BLOOD after it? Are you fucking kidding me? So, if The Shield interferes in Punk’s title match against Rock on Monday, Punk loses the belt – so my scenario where Lesnar comes in and costs Rock the match is coming along nicely.
We recap Show against Del Rio from a couple weeks ago on SmackDown, where Del Rio won the belt. Then we see Big Show beat the fuck out of Zack Ryder, for some reason. Striker is interviewing Big Show, who talks about being tall. He talks about how no one can stop him and no one can beat him.
Oh shit… it’s the Main Event of WWE Main Event! ARE YOU READY FOR THIS!
Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow .vs. The Uso’s
The Uso’s have an… odd… new entrance. I assume it’s supposed to get people excited, but I think they’re just confused. I’m confused as to why this is the main event of anything, especially a show named Main Event. Unless someone does a drive-by shooting that claims Cody and Sandow, there’s no way that Uso’s have a shot at winning this. Cody Rhodes and Sandow come out and cut a generic heel promo. People used to say Cody was good at promos… do they still think that? People still say Sandow is good on the mic. Why do they think that? Sorry to say, but “You’re Welcome” has been done before. Several times.
Cody Rhodes bores the shit out of me. Damien Sandow bores the shit out of me. I like Uso’s I suppose, but they’re losers. Actually, to be honest, I like Sandow and Cody as a team. I find them boring as hell individually… and together… but at least they seem to fit well together.
All right, think good thoughts. Cody hits a headlock, and runs into a big Uso boot. I’m going to say this is Jay. Rhodes bounces off the ropes a bit, and eats a superkick and rolls out of the ring. This is already more offense than I expected the Uso’s to get. Cody tags into Sandow. Miz is making fun of Cole and talking about what college he went to, before plugging his movie. Jesus. The Uso’s beat up Sandow a bit, and then start to dance before beating him up some more. Sandow bails, and he and Cody regroup on the outside. Cody tags in and takes over on Jay for a bit, before the Uso’s toss him into the ringpost. They toss Cody out of the ring and Sandow goes over to check on him. Commercial.
Back and Uso’s are still in control. This is like bizzaro-world from what I expected. A one-sided tag-match that’s actually good. A lot of that is that the Uso’s know actual wrestling moves and guys like Sandow and Rhodes don’t really know what to do when confronted with such things, but still. Sandow does escape with a chinbuster, and tags in Cody… but then Cody runs into an Uso hip-toss and a legdrop. What the fuck?!?! Cody tags Sandow in, and then HE runs into a kick, and a double-team backbreaker/top-rope kneedrop combo. Again?!?! This is nuts.
Miz and Cole are talking about Miz’s Royal Rumble history and how he main-evented the worst WrestleMania ever. Sandow misses an Uso charge and takes control. He tags Cody who hits some stomps. He picks up, him and knees him in the stomach before hitting a front suplex that ever WWE heel seems to use these days. Tag to Sandow, who… stomps. He sucks. Then he hits a bearbug… with his legs. He’s confused. Uso’s feel bad for him so agree to stay in the move for a while. Miz and Cole are talking about Obama’s speeches versus Bush’s speeches.
Sandow with a RUSSIAN LEG SWEEP (Sandow highspot) followed by his signature elbow, which sucks. He goes back to the… wait for it… leg bearhug. He’s run out of moves. The Uso has had enough, so he powers out. Sandow kicks him some more. He then tags in Cody who hits… stomps and an abdominal stretch (Cody highspot). The Miz talks about how Cody is technically sound.
Uso ducks a charge and Cody goes flying to the outside. Sandow goes out and tosses him back in before tagging himself in. Other Uso tags in and hits a few clotheslines on both guys before hitting a kick and a samoan drop. Sandow and Cody in trouble, because, again… wrestling moves. Right hand takes Cody to the outside and a small package on Sandow gets 2 – Sandow gets up and eats a nice superkick.
Cody pulls one Uso out of the ring while Sandow crotches the Uso on the rope and… pins him? After a rope crotch?!
Winners: Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow
Well… pretty boring, but 100% better than I would have thought when reading that this was the main event. Surprisingly enough, it was pretty much all Uso’s for a lot of it, which was surprising.
Actually, let’s be honest – this match was pretty much all about Miz talking about himself and the Royal Rumble. This match, and quite possibly the entire show, appears to be just a cheap backdrop for The Miz to do his buttfucking insufferable Ryan Seacrest schtick. Listening to him for an hour is like being forcibly digitized. I hope The Miz gets waterboarded on his birthday.
Well, that’s all the time we have for this week. Again, any and all comments and thoughts are always appreciated, or you can feel free to e-mail me at email@example.com. Also, feel free to follow me on Twitter @BDInsidePulse if you’re into such things.
The next stop on That Being Said: The WrestleMania Expedition will take place this Sunday – The Royal Rumble! Always one of my favorite shows, so I always look forward to checking that out, even just for the Rumble match itself. Of course, Cena The Fun Police, WWE Ryan Seacrest or the inbred toolbox Ryback are probably gonna win it, but still, at least Punk and Rock is probably going to be a lot of fun.
This has been “That Being Said”. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next week.
I’ll be in my trailer.
DISCLAIMER #1: These recaps should in NO way be treated as a professional and unbiased play-by-play of whatever the show in question is. Inside Pulse has no shortage of professional and live coverage, so if that’s what you’re looking for, I refer you to Mike Gojira, Scott Keith, Justin Czerwonka, or another of their ilk. Rather than a recap per se, I look at this as an ongoing 3-month narrative from someone who doesn’t normally watch full shows beginning to do exactly that for WrestleMania season. The reason this idea sounds like fun to me is that this time period is usually when many casual or former fans will tune back in anyway. So I know that as I’m tuning back in, many others will be as well.
DISCLAIMER #2: Quite often, when myself or another writer rips on a show (justifiably so or otherwise), they will get their fair share of people believing or commenting that they believe the recapper thinks that wrestling now is worse than it’s ever been. Usually it’s something like “WHAT, SO THE ATTITUDE ERA WAS SO GREAT?!?! THOSE MATCHES SUCKED TOO!” or something like that, even when you haven’t mentioned the Attitude Era at all. In fact, that’s a popular opinion out there right now in general – that wrestling is worse now than it’s ever been. Me personally, just for the record – I definitely think 2007-2009 and 2003-2004 definitely hold up worse than the current product. Not MUCH worse, mind you – and I do believe that current shows are pretty lame. But if I’m being honest, it’s not as bad as it’s ever been, much as it may feel that way sometimes.
DISCLAIMER #3: In the spirit of Disclaimer #2… I am going to do my best to go into these shows with an uncynical and unjaded eye. I’m hoping to like what I see – there is some stuff going on that COULD be promising depending on where they go with it and who they decide to feature prominently. But I promise nothing in terms of what’s going to come out of me if I don’t like the shows. Anyone who read any of my TNA recaps or the odd WWE recap that I did knows that I have very little tolerance for stupid or boring stuff. If, an hour into a 3-hour RAW, they decide to give me Shaemus against Cody Rhodes for 20 minutes while Michael Cole tells me they’re the future of the business and that I still have Ryback against Wade Barrett to look forward to in the second hour, then I’m going to feel like putting my fucking dick through a bone decalcinator, which means that me feeling like putting my fucking dick through a bone decalcinator is something you’re probably going to hear about.
DISCLAIMER #4: The obvious one – the opinions and views I express are my own, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Inside Pulse or it’s owners, staff, or numerous writers.
DISCLAIMER #5: Regardless of how it all turns out, weather I find the shows good, boring or bad, if nothing else, I’m going to try my best to to have fun with these recaps over this 3-month period. I’m a guy who can usually have fun with a recap even when watching a show I don’t enjoy. For me, that’s the point of this experiment – or of anything else I may write for Inside Pulse – to have fun. Worst case scenario, I lose all patience and have a rage blackout like I’ve done on on the odd recap before, and sometimes even that can be entertaining. Regardless, the point is – this is for fun – and I hope you have as much fun reading this season as I’m hoping to have writing it.
“That Being Said” WrestleMania Tour Schedule:
PREMIERE – Jan 14: WWE RAW (20th Anniversary)
Jan 23: WWE Main Event
Jan 27: WWE Royal Rumble
Feb 01: WWE SmackDown
Feb 14: WWE NXT
Feb 17: WWE Elimination Chamber
Mar 07: TNA Impact
Mar 10: TNA LockDown
Mar 14: TNA Impact
Mar 18: WWE RAW
Mar 29: WWE SmackDown
Apr 01: WWE RAW
FINALE – APR 07: WrestleMania
Tags: Antonio Cessaro, big show, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, john cena, kane, Kofi Kingston, Main Event, Raw, sheamus, The Miz, The Rock, undertaker, vince mcmahon, Wade Barrett, WWE