Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 1.25.13 (Elimination Tag Team Match)

Welcome back to another edition of the Not-So-Live Smackdown Report! It’s the final show before the Royal Rumble, and hopefully we can a better hype segment than THIS embarrassment from Monday night.

We open with the WWE Tag Team Champions heading to the ring as the announce team throws us back to Monday night’s graduation ceremony for Team Hell No. Kane and Daniel Bryan are in the ring to defuse the rumors that they’ve gone soft. Kane goes on to say they’ll beat Team Rhodes Scholars and then promises to win the Royal Rumble. Bryan agrees with everything Kane’s said up until this point EXCEPT for that and they argue over who will win the Rumble. This obviously brings out Team Rhodes Scholars…..wait, no. Here comes the Big Show instead. He says that even if they overcome the odds on Sunday, they’re not going to beat him at Wrestlemania (since he’s OBVIOUSLY beating del Rio at the Rumble). He orders them to leave the ring and they refuse. THIS brings out Rhodes Scholars (Damien must have been spending too much time grooming Cody’s mustache in the back) and they threaten to beat up Team Hell No right now. Here comes Alberto del Rio and our main event is set as Booker T does his best Teddy Long impression to make a six-man elimination tag team match for later this evening.

At least it won’t end in a generic pull-apart brawl like most six-man tags these days. Should be an interesting bout.

Wade Barrett vs Sheamus

Barrett heads to the ring in his NXT attire, complete with rose in lapel. It’s funny how Sheamus has been quickly shunted down the card after the belt was taken off of him, huh? They trade offense until Barrett dodges a Brogue Kick by escaping the ring. Wade prevents the clubbing in the ropes and boots Sheamus in the face as we head to commercial. When we return Sheamus gets dumped to the outside over the top rope, allowing the announcers to crow, “If this were the Royal Rumble, Sheamus would be eliminated.” That’s a good shill, Josh. That’s a good shill. The ol’ clubberin’ connects as JBL has an orgasm at ringside and the Great White gets a two count. White Noise is countered, but Sheamus is able to regroup and climb to the top rope. Barrett is having none of that and tosses him off. A side kick to the chest gives Wade a two count. Sheamus tries for a Cloverleaf but gets rolled up for a two count! Sheamus nails White Noise and we get a call for the Brogue Kick…which connects! Your winner, Sheamus!

That was a good match between the two, complete with a great series of counters to put over both men. Blair Douglas must be loving this potential Wrestlemania main event.

Raw Rebound: The Rock gets taken out by The Shield. And bites his tongue in the process. Wouldn’t it be great if the next time we hear him speak, Rocky has a lisp? “If ya thmell whath The Rock ith cookin’!”

Natalya w/ The Great Khali and Hornswoggle vs Rosa Mendes w/ Epico and Primo
Khali, Primo, Epico, and Hornswoggle are on commentary as JBL makes a Fantasy Island reference at Hornswoggle’s expense. Pathetically, the remark goes right over Hornswoggle’s head (HA!) and JBL turns his attention to Epico and Primo, asking them what purpose Rosa serves. They have no actual answer as Rosa dances in the middle of the ring and it takes a distraction from Hornswoggle to allow Natalya to get the advantage with a Sharpshooter for the submission victory.

Well that was surreal. The best part of that match was JBL’s comments as he cut on the absurdity of the Superstars surrounding him on commentary.

CM Punk and Paul Heyman head to the ring to call out The Shield. I love how a fan in the crowd does his best to perpetuate kayfabe by holding up a sign that says “Time’s up in 2 days” despite it technically being 5 days at the time of the taping. Punk says he can’t sleep at night because he’s frightened….of his own potential. Now that was a great line. He goes on to say the only thing that threatens his title reign is the actions of The Shield; if they interfere on Sunday, Punk will be stripped of the WWE Championship. He calls out The Shield to discuss the matter and they answer the call, COMPLETE WITH THEME MUSIC. You know, it’s almost as if this whole segment was (gasp) planned! Punk tells them he never asked them for any help in the past and claims that the greatest injustice would be if they ended his title reign via interference this Sunday. And with that, The Shield disperses back into the crowd without a word. Punk: “Now that is how the champ takes care of business!” Suddenly, we get an appearance by The Rock! The Rock’s gut says that Punk is working with The Shield. The Rock’s heart says he doesn’t give a damn. The Rock’s boot says that on Sunday he’s going right up CM Punk’s fucking candy ass.

Apparently Rock wasn’t being too PG on Tuesday and had to get his dialogue subbed in.

Rock then does a hell of a job selling the impact of his Rockbottom (“Time will stand still for you, Punk”) and ends with his timeless catch phrase.

That was a nice little cap on the build to the title match on Sunday. Hopefully it delivers and then some.

Randy Orton vs Drew McIntyre
Line of the night from JBL: “3MB is what would happen to the Mean Street Posse if they went into a karaoke bar.” I don’t really need to recap this, do I? The DQ is called for thanks to outside interference and Orton beats up all 3 of them.

Darren Young w/ Titus O’Neil vs The Miz
Antonio Cesaro joins us for commentary as we watch the tag team division continue to deteriorate. Young gets the early lead but Miz eventually comes back to dominate and force the submission with a Figure Four. Josh Mathews tries to hide the fact that Miz can’t apply the Figure Four properly by saying that Miz is attempting to “perfect” the hold.

Miz’s Figure Four is almost as horrendous as The Rock’s Sharpshooter.

Elimination Tag Team Match: Alberto del Rio and Team Hell No vs Big Show and Team Rhodes Scholars
Del Rio starts the match with Rhodes and nails a BEAUTIFUL jumping head scissors off the top rope! Sandow and Bryan tag in and they trade offense until DB manages to kick the shit out of Damien and tag in Kane. Kane nails Sandow with a Choke Slam and….eliminates him?! I never understand why heels don’t make the save often enough in elimination matches. Big Show comes in and the two monsters brawl to the outside. Show nails the WMD and Kane gets counted out. Well why the hell didn’t his teammates drag him back into the ring?! When we return from a break, Bryan and Rhodes are in the ring. Rhodes tags in Show and he and Bryan battle until Show throws Bryan out of the ring. He skins the cat and meets Show’s fist, falling out of the ring and getting counted out. See what the WWE is doing there? Last Man Standing match this Sunday! Del Rio gets tossed around and sent outside and HE gets up by 9. For whatever reason the ref fucks up and restarts the 10-count when del Rio gets to his feet; Josh claims that the official has to restart when the guy gets up. Del Rio gets back in and knocks Big Show off the apron, and Show gets counted out! Running Enziguri to the side of Rhodes’s head ends it for the heels. After the match, Big Show spears the celebrating World Heavyweight Champion. He then brings Alberto to the announce table, knocks him out, and tosses the table onto del Rio to mirror how Alberto won the title in the first place.

I get that they’re trying to sell a match stipulation, but this was a terrible way of doing it with all these improbable count outs in one match.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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