Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 2.1.13 (del Rio vs Ziggler)

It looks like we’ll be having dueling recaps this weekend as Blair Douglas’s Road to Wrestlemania Tour thingie is covering the events of tonight’s Smackdown as well. I suppose I should have taken the night off, but I won’t have the likes of HIM showing me up, so let’s get down to it…(bastard will probably get more hits than me anyway…grumble grumble)

We’re (not) live from “A Whale’s Vagina” as we open with Alberto del Rio awaiting the Big Show’s appearance in the outdoor parking lot with a steel pipe in his hand. I’m sure nothing will come of this. Nothing at all. We then cut to Booker T in the ring with all former World Heavyweight Champions, including Dolph Ziggler, which I still don’t count. Can we get a retcon on that one, please? Booker says that there’s only six spots in the Elimination Chamber match in 3 weeks…one more than Booker’s WCW title reigns. Well, there’s six guys out there (Khali, Bryan, Orton, Sheamus, and Kane included) so I don’t get why…oh God, here comes Jack Swagger?! Was the company expecting a great ovation for him or something? He demands a shot in the Chamber but Booker informs him there are more guys than slots (there’s a sexual joke somewhere in that statement) so Swagger will have to fight for it. Ziggler states the obvious: he has the Money in the Bank briefcase so he doesn’t have to risk his life at the PPV. Booker calls him a chicken but he still has a match with del Rio tonight. Also in action tonight: Team Hell No vs Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio.

I get the inclusion of all former World Heavyweight Champions, but Jack Swagger and Khali have done NOTHING of note. Why not give Sandow and Rhodes a shot?

Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara vs Team Hell No

Rey and Kane start the match and our bloated Mexican amigo is actually getting the better of Kane. Sin Cara and Daniel Bryan tag in and once again a masked man gets the better of one half of the Tag Team Champions. Mysterio tags in and the champs finally get their shit in order. Rey trips Bryan up into the ropes but DB dodges a 619 by escaping the ring and sending us into a commercial break. When we return, Sin Cara and Bryan are in the ring. Bryan gets set up on the top rope and Sin Cara manages to back flip off of him, land a forward somersault, and eat a missile dropkick from the American Dragon! That was a beautiful spot, actually. Kane gets tagged in and, as he goes for a power slam, gets countered into a sweet DDT. There’s so many counters going on here that it’s hard to keep up! Mysterio finally attempts another 619 on Bryan but Kane intercepts with a Choke Slam…but that’s countered into a Hurracanrana and Kane goes flying out of the ring! DB traps Rey in the No Lock but Sin Cara saves his partner and hits a flying splash onto Kane on the outside afterward! Rey FINALLY connects with the 619 and the match is over!

Matt Striker asks del Rio if he’s outside waiting for Big Show. He says that he’s just getting some air. Wow; what a thrilling interview segment.

Wow. That was actually a lot of fun, with a multitude of counters and high flying spots all around. Looks like THIS is why Team Rhodes Scholars didn’t win the titles last Sunday.

The Great Khali w/ Natalya and Hornswoggle vs Jinder Mahal w/ Heath Slater and Drew McIntyre
The only thing that makes any sense here is the history Mahal and Khali have. Other than that, why the fuck am I being subjected to this shit?! JBL: “3MB is as much a band as Josh Mathews is a commentator.” The heels try to interfere repeatedly but they’re no match for a Diva and a midget. One Punjabi Plunge later and the match is mercifully over.

Booker T and Teddy Long are chatting backstage about Swagger’s return and Teddy admits to bringing Jack back. Team Rhodes Scholars shows up to say they’re going their separate ways but will remain best friends. Then they awkwardly hug until Booker puts Sandow in a match with Sheamus tonight.

I’m loving this revitalized tag team division; aren’t you?

Raw Rebound 1: Brock Lesnar returns to save Paul Heyman’s job and force Triple H out of retirement to avenge “Pops.” We get off-the-air footage of Vinnie Mac carted out of the arena as Stephanie McMahon and her tits make a guest appearance.

Raw Rebound 2: The Shield assaults John Cena, Ryback, and Sheamus.

With Sheamus and Orton in the Elimination Chamber match for a title shot, who will take their place in the rumored Chamber match against The Shield?

Sheamus vs Damien Sandow
They trade offense but Sandow ultimately gains the advantage with the Elbow of Disdain. Sheamus fights back with running axe handles and an attempted White Noise but Sandow escapes over the top rope. Sheamus holds on and clubbers him…until The Shield shows up and tears Sheamus apart. The crowd chants for Ryback but he’s not showing up for the save.

I feel like the company is going to keep changing the participants of both Chamber matches from now until the actual night of the PPV, based on what just happened.

Wade Barrett vs Randy Orton
The typical bout between these two. These guys know each other so well that a decent match is pretty much expected at this point. On the outside, Barrett tries for a Bull Elbow but slams his arm into the post. Orton takes control, hits his signatures, and an RKO ends the match clean.

Guess you could say Randy got his win back.

Striker interviews Barrett but before he could get a word out, Wade sees Bo Dallas and destroys him.

Kofi Kingston vs Jack Swagger

Based on what’s happened so far tonight in singles matches with former World Heavyweight Champions, I think it’s safe to assume that Swagger goes over here (unfortunately). If anything, Kofi’s the perfect opponent to use for Swagger to show off against, so there’s that. A row of fans chants for Swagger to my disbelief as Jack dominates the match. Kofi manages to get in a little offense and sends Swagger out of the ring. He goes for Trouble in Paradise but misses and nails the announce table instead. Ouch! The inevitable happens as Swagger brings Kingston into the ring for an Ankle Lock to end the match.

Alberto del Rio finally gets his shot at Big Show as they play “Ring Around the Rosy” with a car. The poor automobile takes the brunt of the damage and Show winds up escaping in another car.

Well, that was…something.

Raw Rebound 3: CM Punk “grants a rematch” to The Rock at Elimination Chamber.

Alberto del Rio vs Dolph Ziggler w/ AJ Lee and Big E Langston
Ricardo Rodriguez is backstage but del Rio tells him to stay away from the ring. Within the first 30 seconds we get the first instance of Dolph overselling a back body drop. Ziggler eventually fights back with his elbow drops. Del Rio nails a sweet German suplex and climbs to the top rope. Ziggler distracts the ref long enough for Big E to send del Rio to the mat. Ziggler attempts a pinfall victory but only gets two. Big E tries to interfere again but del Rio stops him and the ref ejects Langston from ringside. We go to our final set of commercials and when we return, the two are trading kicks. Ziggler sends del Rio into the corner and goes for a leaping charge but nails his head into the post in a vicious spot! Del Rio rallies back with a kick to the cranium and an attempted Cross Arm Breaker, countered into a FameAsser! Del Rio escapes a pin at two and they fight back into the corner. Alberto hits some forearms to the kidney and the Backstabber for two! Del Rio climbs to the top rope but eats a dropkick in midair! Ziggler goes for the ZigZag but the Cross Arm Breaker counters it and we have our winner!

Big Show returns predictably with Ricardo in his clutches and threatens to hurt del Rio and anyone else who crosses him again. Then he drops Ricardo with the WMD again as del Rio charges up the ramp to save his amigo as the show ends.

That was actually a really good match, but I expected nothing less from those two. The show overall had a fun opening and closing bout, but the middle was a bit of a waste of time for me. I wonder how Blair felt about it.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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