The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 02.14.13
Happy Valentine’s Day! Hopefully we can all be as happy as Mr. and Mrs. Bully Ray. I’m kind of bummed about missing last week due to prior commitments, because I was looking forward to seeing the tag title switch, but it’s still sitting on the DVR if I ever get around to it. Hopefully it won’t take me as long as it did to finally sit down and watch that mildly above-average **3/4 Daniel Bryan/CM Punk match from Over the Limit.
Taped from London, baby!
Your hosts are Mike Tenay, Todd Keneley and Taz.
Hulk Hogan is out first, and he’s looking to pick a challenger for Jeff Hardy at Lockdown. So tonight it’s four singles matches, and he’ll decide who’s best suited for the title match based off those. Next order of business: It’s Sting’s team against the Aces team at Lockdown, and Sting is also recruiting tonight. Man, these guys are worse than the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Magnus v. Christopher Daniels
Match #1 in the Hulk Hogan Lockdown Challenge, which I just named myself. Daniels throws shoulders in the corner, but Magnus hits him with a delayed suplex before falling victim to a cheapshot from Kazarian and an STO from Daniels. Magnus fights out of a neck vice before Kaz trips him up again, and Daniels pounds on the neck and gets two. Daniels misses the moonsault and Magnus boots him down, then knocks Kazarian back onto the ramp and gets him tossed. And the manager’s license gets thrown into the crowd! That’s $20! Back in the ring, Daniels with a rollup, but Magnus puts him down with a lariat and hits the Michinoku driver and flying elbow for the clean pin at 5:03. Lot of fun with a hot crowd. **3/4
Meanwhile, Bully Ray and Brooke try to celebrate Valentine’s Day despite his injuries, although he accidentally left his wedding ring on the sink. Hmm.
Kurt Angle v. Samoa Joe
Match #2 in the Hulk Hogan Open Invitational. Joe pounds on Angle in the corner and we get audio comments from Angle about the IOC’s bullshit decision, which still pisses me off. Angle comes back quickly with a suplex and stomps away in the corner, then adds a suplex for two. We take a break and return with Joe tossing him and then missing a suicide dive. Well, hence the name. Back in, Joe recovers with the senton for two. Angle gets the rolling germans, but Joe escapes the Slam and hits him with the uranage. Angle comes back with a missile dropkick and Angle Slam, but Joe no-sells it and gets the choke. Angle reverses into the anklelock, but Joe powers out and they clothesline each other, and that brings the Aces & Eights into the ring for the beatdown at 12:00. Usual good Joe-Angle match before the non-finish. ***1/4
Party Marty & The Blossom Twins v. Gail Kim, Tara & Jesse
Apparently the babyfaces were the winners of TNA’s Tough Enough type show. You’d think one of piece of advice would have been “Get a better name than Party Marty”. Marty headfakes Jesse in the corner and hits a moonsault press for two, and we take a break. Back with one of the Blossoms controlling Tara with hiptosses, and the twins hit a double sideslam for two. Hannah gets a back elbow for two, but runs into a clothesline from Gail that allows the heels to take over. Tara with a hairtoss and Kim gets a backbreaker for two, and hits a leg lariat in the corner for two. Tara pounds her down for two, but the jigglesault misses and it’s hot tag to whoever the other twin is. They’re running wild and one gets dropped onto Gail for two, but Tara saves. Jesse stops to pose because there’s always time to pose, but sadly the twins are unimpressed and Marty comes in with a missile dropkick to boot. Jesse bails and Marty grazes him with a suicide dive, and Kim finishes one of the chicks with Eat Defeat at 11:18. That dive looked totally clownshoes because he completely overshot the target, but he was probably just excited. The Brits got a ton of offense and this was a totally competitive showcase for them. **1/2
James Storm v. Rob Van Dam
Match C in the Hulk Hogan Tournament of Champions, and they exchange hiptosses as the announcers recount Storm’s glorious six day reign as TNA champion. Rob gets the monkey flip and Rolling Thunder for two. They slug it out and Rob goes up, but Storm powerbombs him for two. Rob blocks the codebreaker, but a second try hits. Rob blocks the superkick with a spinkick and goes up, but Storm was faking and puts him down again. Storm gets kicked into the opposite corner and Rob tries the Van Terminator, but that misses as well. You’d think waiting until the guy was a bit more hurt would be a good idea. Storm hits him with the superkick for the pin at 5:45. RVD looked totally unmotivated here. **
Meanwhile, Joseph Park meets with Hulk because the boys told him he needed to learn how to politic. Hulk instead informs him what a “rib” is. This bit of fun is ruined by Brooke’s god-awful acting as she pushes for Bully Ray to get the title shot instead of anyone else.
Austin Aries v. Bobby Roode
Match Omega in the Hulk Hogan Sr. Memorial Cup Tag Team Tournament. Given the awesomeness on display here one would presume that the winner of this just gets the title shot with no further questions asked. And speaking of awesome, they try the FINGERPOKE OF DOOM on each other, but each guy thinks the other one is lying down. That is literally the best thing I’ve seen all year. Aries agrees to lay down, and then double-crosses Roode and gets two. And then we take a break. Back with them actually engaging in a match, as Roode misses a charge, but blocks a sunset flip with the ropes and gets two. This prompts more shoving over sportsmanship, and then Aries rolls him up and gets two using the ropes. They slug it out, being men of honor, and Aries get the discus elbow, but walks into the spinebuster and Roode gets two. Aries goes up and Roode tries a superplex, but can’t power him up, allowing Aries to cheapshot him down. 450 misses and Roode spears him, but Aries turns it into the Last Chancery. Roode reverses into the crossface, but Aries rolls him over for two. They trade suplex attempts and fight for control, but the ref is bumped as a result. Roode is the first one to get a chair, and they both use it to frame the other guy, which only confuses the poor ref. This prompts another argument before Chavo & Hernandez wander out and trick them into a double countout at 13:10. That finish was weak sauce, but the match was great fun. ***
Hulk Hogan is out once again to render his decision, after a pointed discussion with Sting in the back where he worries about pushing his son-in-law over the other more talented people. WINK, WINK, NUDGE NUDGE. Sadly, before he can announce who gets the shot, Aces & Eights storm out, and Bully Ray is forced to give up his dancing plans so that he can make the save.
The Pulse
This was a pretty great show, although there didn’t end up being a payoff for the show-long storyline. But given there hasn’t been a payoff for their MONTHS-long storyline either, I guess that’s just to be expected.
