The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 02.21.13
Taped from London, England.
Your hosts are Mike Tenay, Todd Keneley & Taz. What the heck was the point of the Taz turn, anyway? He does nothing outside of commentary and even that is basically the same.
Hulk Hogan joins us to pick up the conversation thread from last week and name the #1 contender. And apparently it’s the guy who stood above the rest last week…Bully Ray. Bully comes out and he’s humble and gracious and we can all see the swerve coming, right? Anyway, Bully already has a suggestion for the main event tonight: A six-man match with Aces & Eights v. Bully, Sting and Hogan. So Hogan’s totally wrestling in the main event tonight. BANK ON IT.
Meanwhile, the tag team champions continue their bickering, which leads to the greatest alliance in the history of the universe: Roode, Aries, Kazarian and Daniels!
Christopher Daniels, Kazarian, Bobby Roode & Austin Aries v. Chavo Guerrero, Hernandez, James Storm & Joseph Park
The babyfaces chase off the heels and we take a break. Back with Park overpowering Kazarian, but a chop block from Daniels turns the tide and Park is your lawyer-in-peril. Aries and Roode continue to have communication issues, but luckily Daniels is able to retain control with a neck vice, and soon all the heels are tagging themselves in and in need of some interpersonal conflict management. Park is able to clothesline two of them and the tag champions take a walk and leave Bad Influence swinging in the wind. Hot tag Storm and he hits a pair of codebreakers on Daniels and Kaz, allowing Chavo to hit Daniels with the frog splash and Park hits a flying splash on Kazarian to finish at 12:18. This was pretty lengthy, but there was really nothing going on in the ring for most of it, although it was put together so well it didn’t matter. **1/2
Robbie E v. Rockstar Spud
Spud apparently won the Boot Camp competition, but honestly he looks like a job guy from the 90s, like someone who would be working four times at a Superstars taping in Wyoming. Robbie tosses him around and hits an elbow off the middle, then smacks him around and puts him down with a knee. He misses a charge and Spud comes back with a tornado DDT and goes up. Flying legdrop misses, but Robbie wants to use The List and Rob Terry won’t let him, which allows Spud to get the upset rollup at 2:50. Spud is way too small to be anything. ½* Robbie continues to take out his frustrations on Terry afterwards, and that doesn’t go well for him, but they still don’t appear to be formally broken up yet.
Knockouts title: Tara v. Velvet Sky v. Gail Kim v. Miss Tessmacher
We’re joined in progress with the girls trading rollups until Tara puts Tess down with an electric chair. The heels work Velvet over in the corner and Tara hits her sideslam for two, but Gail breaks it up. If it’s elimination rules, why would she care? Anyway, now the heels slug it out and Tara chokes her out in the corner. Gail escapes and brawls with Tess on the floor, and now it’s the babyfaces who team up on Tara in the ring. Tara comes back with a moonsault on Tessmacher, but Velvet breaks it up with the pedigree on Tara and Gail pins her at 4:17 to eliminate the champion. Tess works Gail over and goes up, but it ends up with a tower of doom spot and Velvet gets two on Gail. Tess rolls her up, but Velvet reverses to eliminate her at 6:15. Gail misses a blind charge and Velvet makes her shitty comeback until Gail dropkicks her for two. Sadly, she was using the ropes and gets into an argument with Taryn about it, and Velvet hits the pedigree for the pin and the title at 8:11. That was some egregiously terrible refereeing there. Match was fine for the most part, but Velvet is one of the worst female wrestlers working today and that finishing sequence was terrible. **
Next week: We find out where the fuck AJ Styles has been for the past two months.
Garrett Bischoff v. Samoa Joe
I don’t like Bischoff’s chances here. He runs away to start, which is probably wise, and finally catches Joe with a sneak attack that goes nowhere. Joe proceeds to kicking his ass, so Garrett goes for the leg and hopes for the best. Joe casually beats the hell out of him, so Garrett kicks the knee again and chokes him down. Shoulderblock gets two. Joe has had enough and clotheslines him a bunch of times to set up the big boot and senton. Joe gives him last rites and goes to finish, but Wes Brisco runs in for the DQ at 5:11. Kurt Angle quickly makes the save because these goofs can’t even win a BEATDOWN anymore. Bischoff stuck with simple stuff he can do, so this was fine for what it was. *1/2
X Title: Rob Van Dam v. Kenny King
It is far past the time for RVD to drop that belt. Really, King should have won it weeks ago. Kenny attacks and slams Rob on the floor to start, but Rob comes back and throws shoulders in the corner. King trips him up off the middle and gets two, then hits a nice leg lariat for two. We hit the chinlock and King gets two off that and slugs away on the mat for two. And then it’s another hold on the mat as this isn’t exactly the “high speed high octane action” promised by Keneley. Rob comes back with the monkey flip, but King no-sells it and hits a badly botched Royal Flush for two. I thought Rob had reversed out or something, but no. King misses a charge and Rob hits a Rolling Thunder that nearly went very badly for him, and the frog splash finishes at 6:20. I don’t know what the hell happened with this match, but they were on very different pages. *1/2
Meanwhile, Brooke tries to talk Hulk out of wrestling tonight, but he HAS to do it. FOR THE FAMILY.
Devon, Doc & Anderson v. Sting, Bully Ray & HULK HOGAN
SHOCKINGLY, Hogan does not appear. We take a break and return with the Aces dominating Bully, as Doc chokes away on Bully and brings in Devon. He lays in the badmouth and Anderson (curiously lacking a “Mr” now) comes in to slug away, and back to Devon for the chinlock. Anderson cuts off a potential tag, and man is he just turning into someone’s crazy drunk uncle more and more by the week. Doc pounds away on Bully, but Devon comes in and walks into a spear and it’s hot tag Stinger. He fires away on everyone and gets the DDT on Doc for two. Sting and Bully team up for Wazzup on Anderson, but the Aces drag out the Hogans, prompting Bully to run out on Sting and save Brooke. Hmmm. With Sting alone, Doc clobbers him from behind and pins him at 11:53. ACES WIN! ACES WIN! ACES WIN! Well you know what they say about a stopped clock still being right twice a day. *1/2
If Lockdown is being set up for Roode & Aries v. Daniels & Kazarian, I’m totally buying it. Otherwise, this was just a show, with nothing terribly insulting and no real standout matches or anything.
Tags: Aces & Eights, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode, Brooke Hogan, Bully Ray, Hulk Hogan, impact, Sting, TNA