THE RAGER! Punk Be With You (CM Punk, Brock Lesnar, John Cena, Undertaker)

Columns, Top Story

It was just a couple weeks ago when I had this feeling like I had become so distant from WWE, which is an absurd thought seeing as how I live tweet Raw (follow us @CRAttire) every Monday, write this lovely column and record a podcast. It just seems like most weeks, there’s some bit of news or topic that gets spread out over the course of the week that gives us wrestling fans something to talk about or look up online and there just didn’t seem anything to grab my attention.

Well that really wasn’t this past week, which is surprising seeing as how that week’s Raw was essentially a promo for this week’s. First, we got all the news about Tea Party-supporting people in the media being up in arms and claiming that the Swagger/Zeb characters are demonizing the Tea Party. Notice how I didn’t call them journalists, me doing THE RAGER is closer to journalism than they are and I referenced porn last week. And if the wrestling gods decided we needed more, the next day we got the gem of Jack Swagger being arrested for DUI and possession and then the wrestling gods wanted to dial it back a little on Swagger and gave us Glenn Beck’s “stupid wrestling people” comment. I fully expected to see some sort of repercussion handed out to Swagger but it seems like WWE is going to try to use this Beck fiasco as a means to sweep the Swagger arrest under the rug. It seems that WWE hasn’t hesitated for a moment about pulling the plug on Swagger and I commend them for it because I’m a big proponent of decriminalizing weed us. Calm down, pot heads, I’m not going to blaze up with you nor do I want to hear your weed stories, I just believe the punishments are incredibly disproportionate when compared to actual crimes.

(See? I would love to see Glenn Beck try to make a semi-intelligent thought like that on his show)

We also had an entire week to chew on Heyman vs Vince and speculate on what all might occur and who might get involved. Turns out every one of us were right and we’re getting Brock/HHH rematch as Brock came out to recrush Vince. HHH came to the rescue and opened up Brock’s head while HHH looked like he opened up his bowels. You know what, that was the obligatory “HHH’s wet pants” joke and I apologize to perpetuating something that has been going around the internet. I vow to punish myself in the most disgusting manner possible (watching the Sex and the City movies without making horse-face jokes).

We also got the chance to speculate the possible outcomes of the CM Punk/Cena match and what outcome will lead to which ‘Mania storyline. After leaking out Taker’s return at a house show, we all made the assumption that he would be interrupting the match and starting a feud with Punk. Instead, we got something much better than what we could’ve speculated. The first match (that I know of) between Cena and Punk that got a clean finish but both men came out looking stronger than before the match. And you avid Punk fans, stop complaining. We got a decent match out of Cena (minus him dropping himself on his own head towards the end) and Punk is still firmly atop the WWE, right where you want him. I’m glad Taker didn’t interfere because we now have more of a sense that Cena actually earned it on-top of him winning the Rumble. Also, the finality of it gives Punk a clean break from the WWE Championship picture and will start fresh next Monday with Taker, and that is something to be excited about.

And to top all this off, WWE posted a video of Michael Cole looking like an actual reporter and trying to get an interview (classic case of the mountain coming to Muhammad) with Glenn Beck. It’s definitely one of those instances where the company takes on the Vince attitude when someone with an audience tries to hurl insults at the company. Of course I’m all in favor of what WWE is doing here and it mostly has to do with my hatred for Glenn Beck but I would love to actually watch a face-to-face interview where he tries to back out of the corner he put himself in. And, as always, there will be fans calling all of this a work and, yes, with WWE there’s always a high chance of that. Either way, WWE has been geniuses with the press about this and the timing couldn’t be more perfect.

But with all that being said, there’s a big hunk of WWE talent that are currently absent from the Wrestlemania card. There’s always some sort of match that features a large amount of wrestlers (last year’s Team Teddy vs Team Johnny Ace). So how do you think they’ll pull that off this year?

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
Chris

The Answer: Our CM, who art in WWE, Punkles be thy name. Thy match be won, thy will be done in Dallas, as it is in Chicago. Give us, this day, our daily elbows. And forgive us our disrespect, as we forgive them that disrespect against us. And lead us not into alcoholism, but deliver us from Cena. For thine is the new WWE belt, the post-PG era, and the ice cream bars. For ever and ever, clobberin time. #PunkIsGod

Chris is a writer from Fayetteville, NC. He's the co-creator of Irrelevant But Awesome Productions which produces podcasts you all know and love like Classy Ring Attire, Trashy Ring Attire and The Disney Magic Podcast. You can keep up with everything on twitter by following @IBAStudios and @CWSanders39