I recently found myself wondering what my take on professional wrestling would be these days if it had never occurred to me, “Hey, I wonder if anyone on this Internet thing has anything to say about wrestling?” I mean, I assume that somewhere out there are lots of fans who don’t know or don’t care about following the online exploits and news stories of our beloved sport(s entertainment), who don’t know that Jack Swagger was arrested or that Vince McMahon was pissed about CM Punk using the piledriver without permission or whatever is floating around the Web these days. I sometimes miss not being “smart” while watching Raw. And I don’t mean smart in the sense of not knowing wrestling is “fake” or anything. I just kind of wish I didn’t know about Brock Lesnar’s limited appearance deal, or Undertaker’s health problems that could prevent his appearance at Wrestlemania, or have access to spoilers.
Back in the day I had a schoolmate who had a friend of a friend who had access to the WCW television tapings back when they would film months of TV at one show. Now by the very nature of the process, they would give away title changes, pay-per-view results of shows that hadn’t even taken place, and spoil surprise angles and returns. At first, I didn’t believe such a thing would happen, could happen. I think I was like 16 at the time, so while I “knew” that wrestling was not a bona fide athletic competition, I was still able to fully suspend my disbelief about certain aspects of the show.
But sure enough, the Nasty Boys won and lost the tag titles as had been “predicted,” Cactus Jack and Vader ran an angle as described to a “T” just as my source had said they would, and Rick Rude made a surprise return and won the Big Gold Belt. I think that’s when a little of my childhood died. Of course there were other little moments, such as Sid Vicious yelling at Brian Pillman to “put me in the figure-four” during War Games 1991 (which he then did, only to have Sid smash him into the top of the cage during a power-bomb attempt that nearly killed him). I also saw Jerry Lawler suffer a “career threatening injury” only to see “The King“ playing softball a few days later. Oh well.
Well, regardless of all the spoiler-riffic info I have access to these days, I’m still enjoying this year’s Road to Wrestlemania. I didn’t buy the Elimination Chamber ppv this year. I found little on the card to entice me to fork over $55 for what seemed largely
to be a filler of a show. I’m sure Punk-Rock II was good, but I was fairly confident Rock was holding on to the strap at least until ‘Mania. Everything else just seemed kind of formulaic, even though I am fond of the Chamber, since it kind of reminds me of the aforementioned War Games matches of my youth. And while I certainly did not see Swagger’s win coming, I’m glad I didn’t pay to see it happen, as I just don’t like the man (although I always liked Dutch Mantell, so seeing him back on TV is all right with me).
On an unrelated note, I have jumped aboard the WWE Main Event bandwagon. Being busy on Wednesday nights, I DVR it and watch at my convenience. If you didn’t see the last show, or didn’t watch the video posted here on the Pulse a few weeks ago, it turns out the Funkadactyls can – get this – wrestle. I had no idea. Naomi in particular was bouncing around like a luchador in a recent match. The rest of the show is a tightly-packed one-hour of WWE goodness, unlike say, the bloated 3-hour Raw show that sometimes threatens to go into “3-hour WCW Nitro” territory.
Okay, so none of that has anything to do with the actual topic of this week’s column. So, without further ado…
Hello, my Common DenomiNation. I have been too busy make a weekly appearance as of late, but I’m inspired by Wrestlemania-Mania to make sure I get a colimn in this week, so, let’s get into it…
No doubt, in professional wrestling, a gimmick can make or break a performer. I’m reminded of a passage in Mick Foley’s first book when he relates the origin of the “Stone Cold” moniker for Steve “Don’t call me the Ringmaster” Austin. Basically, the list of potential names he was offered were almost laughable, and as Foley said, “You could have all the same traits: the shattering glass, the middle fingers, the catchphrases, the stunner, but one Steve was introduced as ‘Chilly McFreeze,’ it would have all been over.” Or something like that.
That’s why Ryback is getting over and we all pretend like we have no idea who Skip Sheffield is. Just like Glen Jacobs probably thanks the wrestling gods (no, not JBL, or even CM Punk) everyday that someone came up with Kane. Isaac Yankem and Fake Diesel were not going to get him in the Hall of Fame. Remember when Dolph Ziggler was in the Spirit Squad? It’s better if you don’t.
Last time out, I touted the development of Windham Rotunda’s Bray Wyatt gimmick in NXT. Poor Windham was initially saddled with the awful Husky Harris character, and that somehow didn’t take off. I won’t even get into (again) why it baffles me that this
third-generation wrestler’s heritage is being completely ignored. I will offer up this particular piece of trivia however:
Windham Rotunda’s Bray Wyatt is apparently based at least somewhat on the Max Cady character from the movie “Cape Fear.” Windham is the son of former wrestler Mike Rotunda and grandson of wrestler Blackjack Mulligan. Mulligan’s son Barry Windham, also a big-name wrestler, is of course, Windham’s namesake. Windham and Rotundo were once together in a championship-level tag-team called the U.S. Express. When Barry left the WWF to return to the NWA, Rotundo was re-packaged with the U.S. Express 2.0 with Barry look-alike Dan Spivey. Spivey later was given a gimmick with the name Waylon Mercy. The Mercy character was based on, wait for it, Max Cady from “Cape Fear.” Weird, huh?
As far as gimmicks go these days, there seems to have been a conscious decision not to stray too far from reality. I mean other than old school retainees like Kane and Undertaker, most of the WWE (and TNA) performers have personality gimmicks rather than character gimmicks. Antonio Cesaro’s European elitist who mocks America with faux condescending praise is a good example. Brodus Clay is borderline here, with his dancing is more important than winning approach and somewhat over the top antics, but it’s still presented as more of a personality trait than a cartoony character. I once thought Clay had a chance to get over and be taken as a serious threat somewhere down the road, but that opportunity seems to have come and gone. I even wrote once (in my first column, perhaps) about a big showdown at SummerSlam between the then-undefeated Clay and Lord Tensei. And now, here we are less than a year down the road and the two have become enhancement talent, paired together in a joke partnership. Just a point to bring up here, though – Tensai’s dancing and whatnot is not completely out of left field. You may recall he spent some time as “The Hip-Hop Hippo” and teaming with Scotty 2 Hottie somewhere between Prince Albert and The A-Train.
And I feel like I must say, at least in passing, that I simply can not understand why you have “Mr. Perfect, Jr.” on your roster and simply ignore that fact.
The Shield is in a very precarious situation with their gimmick as well. Having wrestled in only a handful of matches so far, and having won all of them, Ambrose, Reigns and Rollins have done a commendable job in getting established. Unfortunately, they are still only attacking faces. How much more awesome and threatening would it be for them to attack anyone and everyone? That would not only be truer to their “fighting injustice” gimmick but create some matches involving strange bedfellows united against a common enemy. Imagine longtime enemies John Cena and Wade Barrett putting aside their differences to take on the Shield. I’d rather see that than Big Show vs. Alberto Del Rio again. Also, they have yet to lose a match. I wonder if they will sustain their momentum after suffering a loss. I also wonder which of the three will prove to be the breakout star of the bunch. I mean, they are eventually going to stop wrestling exclusively in 6-man tag matches, right?
Whatever happened to the nickname? Used to be, all you needed was a nickname to really get the point of your character over. “Ravishing” Rick Rude said everything you needed to know about him just from the name without being ridiculous (I’m looking at you “Charismatic Enigma” Jeff Hardy). And Bret “Hitman” Hart, “Gorgeous” Jimmy Garvin, “Dr. Death” Steve Williams, Terry “Bam Bam” Gordy, hell even “Big” John Studd. Not every name is as solid gold as “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, but come on. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go back to when a wrestler’s “job” was reflected in his name (I’m looking at you Sparky Plugg, Isaac Yankem, and Irwin R. Shyster), but, okay, here’s an example…
Dolph Ziggler’s real name is Nick Nemeth. Alliterative names are easily the easiest to tack a nickname onto. Watch…”Nightmare” Nick Nemeth, “Nitro” Nick Nemeth, “The Natural” Nick Nemeth. And I didn’t even try. Hell, use his current tag. “The Showoff” Nick Nemeth is a top guy’s name. Dolph Ziggler sounds like the lost member of the Dancing Fools (you guys remember “Disco Inferno” Glen Gilberti and and “Berlyn” Alex Wright, right? No?).
Kofi Kingston, he’s Jamaican, get it? Yeah, they eventually even gave up on that one, even though he kept the Jamaican music and ring gear and all. Admittedly his real name, Kofi Nahaje Sarkodie-Mensa, would sound like Ricardo Rodriguez introducing Alberto Del Rio played backwards, but let me take a shot at it. He’s from the Ashanti region of Ghana. Kofi Ashanti. There, I didn’t even try. It’s like the WWE goes, “Okay, we need a foreign sounding name for our foreign-gimmicked wrestler – I’ve got it! Antonio Cesaro!” I get that Claudio Castagnoli is a mouthful, but jeez, it’s not going to get more foreign sounding, and it’s got the alliteration thing going for it again. Call him “Cosmopolitan” Claudio Castagnoli or something. I’d have gone with “Crippler,” but well, you know…at least his finisher isn’t the Swiss Army Knife.
“Dashing” Cody Rhodes was a good one. I thought it was a great throwback to the days of “Beautiful” Bobby Eaton and “Sweet” Stan Lane. Those names just roll off the tongue. “The Intellectual Savior of the Masses” does not. And as long as we’re on the subject, why can’t Daniel Bryan be “The American Dragon” anyway? Or, you know, Bryan Danielson for that matter.
I’ve noticed they’ve stopped calling Del Rio “The Mexican Aristocrat” since the face turn. That’s good, because a) that’s kind of a heel nickname, and b) it was a sucky nickname. I don’t know Spanish, but there are a ton of cool sounding Spanish words that could serve Del Rio well in the nickname department. I like “Hombre del Pueblo” or “Piedra Frio” personally. I don’t even want to think about where this Fandango character is going, but I’m willing to bet he’s not a future Wrestlemania headliner. And while I have no problem with gimmicks, the guys name is Johnny Curtis. That’s a cool name. You could even call him “Fandango” Johnny Curtis and do a Rick “The Model” Martell-type of character and do just fine.
And I can’t go without pointing out that R-Truth’s real name is Ron Killings! Not since Richard Blood decided to be Ricky Steamboat has a potentially awesome wrestling name gone to waste.
And I’ll just close with saying that the John Cena-CM Punk match from Raw was just great. I kept waiting for something to happen to ruin it and nothing did. And I don’t care what Vince thinks, I marked out for not only the piledriver – done, as Scott Keith pointed out, “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff style (hey, there’s another nickname!) – but for the power bomb, the hurricarana, and just the fact that these guys went out and put on a great show. I always like it when wrestlers deviate from their regular move set, so kudos. It reminded me of some great old school Jerry Lawler vs. Bill Dundee matches from the early 80s Memphis scene.
That one was a relatively short one compared to some of their other epic brawls, but this one was a pretty big deal when it happened, as evidenced by commentary from the always classy Lance Russell.
Anyway, thanks for reading!
