Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 3.1.13 (Orton vs Big Show)

Another week, another Smackdown! After Raw’s ridiculously awesome main event, will the WWE go out on a limb and try to top themselves tonight?

Yeah, I don’t think so either.

It’s time for Social Media Smackdown, the only night where a taped wrestling event will be Tweeted and Touted by a bunch of tools who have nothing better to do than stay at home on a Friday night. Me? I had a date on Friday. Apparently JBL will be sending us a Tout from Argentina and Chris Jericho will hit us up from Australia. Live, of course, just like this show. And here’s Jerry Lawler, who hasn’t been on Smackdown in a fortnight, commentating with Cole and Mathews!

Alberto del Rio vs Damien Sandow
Sandow rips the crowd a new one and insults Ricardo Rodriguez. Del Rio counters by telling Sandow his mouth is full of “caca.” His words, not mine. Alberto takes Sandow down before the heel is forced to retreat to the ring apron. Sandow returns the favor, stomping on del Rio in the corner. The champ kicks Sandow in the midsection. The announce team mentions Sandow’s personal Tweeter, Ignatius, whom I nearly forgot existed. Perhaps he’s just like the Anonymous Raw General Manager. Anywho, the two battle back and forth until Sandow jumps onto the second rope and eats a kick to the midsection! An enziguri sends Sandow to the outside and the rest of us into a commercial break. When we return, Sandow is in control but gets tossed into the ropes and attempts a clothesline, which is ducked and turned into a beautiful German suplex! Alberto regains full momentum with a tilt-a-whirl back breaker and super kick for a two count! Sandow counters the Cross Arm Breaker by dropping del Rio on the back of his head, dodges a running charge in the corner, and hits a spinning neck breaker for two. Sandow attempts Terminus but it’s countered into the Cross Arm Breaker and he has no choice but to tap out!

That was a pretty decent opener. I hope the company plans on giving me more to crow about tonight…

During the commercial break, del Rio told the WWE Universe to pick his opponent next week via the WWE App. Which is hilarious, of course, because this was all taped on Tuesday night, so anything you see on the app during commercials is not exactly “live.”

Raw Rebound 1: John Cena vs CM Punk.

Backstage, Kane and Daniel Bryan argue over who beat the Primetime Players on Monday. This time, the roles are reversed and Bryan will get his arm tied behind his back while Kane will be blindfolded.

Can we just freely admit that we don’t NEED a tag team division any more?

United States Championship: Two-out-of-Three Falls
Antonio Cesaro vs The Miz

Wow. You’d think a match like this would have been announced beforehand or something. Hopefully it just means we get The Miz out of the title picture. Miz immediately goes for a roll-up but it doesn’t work. Cesaro traps Miz in a headlock but he escapes and knocks Antonio down. Cesaro escapes the ring to regroup and when he gets back in, kicks Miz’s leg out from under him. Miz fires back and trips Cesaro, attempting the Figure Fuck-Up but gets forced off. Cesaro maintains the offensive and places the challenger in a rest hold, but Miz escapes to a slight “Miz is awesome” chant. Cesaro drops Miz with the Neutralizer and earns the first fall! We go to commercial break and when we return, The Miz earned the second fall with the Figure Fuck-Up while we were off watching a commercial for Sonic and multiple SyFy shows. Miz is getting his ass handed to him during the third part of the match but gets fired up when Cesaro calls the audience “stupid Americans” and drops Cesaro. Antonio avoids the back/neck breaker combo and nails a beautiful European uppercut but Miz refuses to stay down. He taunts the challenger but Miz takes out Antonio’s knee with a low dropkick and nails the stunted DDT! Cesaro barely kicks out and both men are winded. They get to their feet and Miz takes out Cesaro with his running charge into the corner! He locks in the Figure Fuck-Up but Cesaro grabs the ropes! Miz goes for it again but gets shoved into the ref! A series of rolling pin attempts ends with Cesaro grabbing the tights for the victory!

Another decent match, despite the crowd’s lukewarm reaction to The Miz. And yet the WWE INSISTS on putting the title on Mizanin at Wrestlemania, especially considering how his recent matches with Cesaro have all ended in some form of controversy. If he doesn’t win the belt on April 7th I will be pleasantly surprised.

JBL sends us a Tout from the mountain summit.

Sheamus meets up with Randy Orton backstage and warns him that he’s a target for The Shield and offers to watch Orton’s back. Orton….accepts?!

Jim Ross makes a surprise appearance to interview Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter. You know, I have to say kudos to Dutch Mantell/Zeb Colter for really making this angle work. If it weren’t for his promos, Swagger would be going NOWHERE right now. JR lets the fans know that he hired Swagger a few years back. Ross tells Swagger that, prior to his months of absence, he was subject to a losing streak. JR asks Jack what changed him in the interim. Colter answers for Jack (smart move) and goes on about del Rio and immigration until Swagger says, “We the people” (dumb move). I still don’t really get why he repeats the opening line to the United States Constitution as a tag-on to everything Colter says. JR asks Swagger if he’s being brainwashed and Colter takes offense. JR and Colter have a war of words and Swagger threatens to beat up Jim Ross until del Rio makes the save and calls Swagger a jackass. This insult is strong enough to force the heels to retreat.

We still have five weeks between now and Wrestlemania. As much as I’m intrigued by the angle, how much longer can Zeb go on spouting the same nonsense until it gets old? We need some teases of physicality real soon.

Kane and Daniel Bryan vs The Primetime Players

As per their earlier discussion, Kane is blindfolded and Bryan has one arm tied behind his back. But before the match, we get a stupid shill for Sonic as the announcers gorge themselves on fast food for literally a minute. Daniel Bryan puts Kane’s blindfold on for him and it has a goat face on it! I could make a demonic reference here, this being Kane and all, but it’s not worth it. The match goes about as well as you’d expect, with the champs “accidentally” tripping up the heels and Daniel Bryan playing face-in-peril. They do the crowd spot where Kane points to each corner and the audience reacts based on where he points. He accidentally grabs Daniel Bryan and the ref for a choke slam but Bryan convinces him that it’s his partner. Suddenly, Titus rolls Bryan up and the heels win. Kane takes off the blindfold and sees the goat face. Bryan offers to hug it out but Kane puts the blindfold on his partner and slaps him to the mat.

The utter destruction of the tag team division continues.

Matt Striker chats it up with Big Show before his upcoming match with Orton. Nothing new here.

Chris Jericho joins us on Skype (brought to you by Sonic) to shill Robot Combat League….which aired Tuesday, so he missed the plug by three days.

The shameless product placement continues.

Ladies and gentlemen, here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for! The debut of…FAAAAAAN DAAAAAAAAAN GO. Matt Striker asks him if he’s ready for his debut match tonight, but because Striker mispronounced his name, he won’t be wrestling this evening. Okay.

That was ridiculous. And I don’t mean in a good way.

Raw Rebound 2: Triple H busts Brock Lesnar open the hard way.

Randy Orton vs Big Show
It’s obvious this match is just an excuse to have The Shield show up, so I’m not recapping this. It’s the usual encounter between these two until The Shield (SHOCK!) makes an appearance. Sheamus keeps his word and rushes to the ring for back-up. It’s not enough as The Shield outnumber Sheamus and Orton…until Big Show knocks out Roman Reigns! He then choke slams Orton but eats a Brogue Kick from Sheamus to end the show.

Not sure what to make of that clusterfuck. Are they going to make Big Show an unwilling ally of Orton and Sheamus? Overall, this show gets a “meh.”

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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