The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 03.07.13

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 03.07.13

Live from Orlando, FL, for the last time.

Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Mike Tenay & Taz

Austin Aries joins us to start, and he’s not really sure where Bobby Roode is, but he did take time out of his busy schedule to lend some words of wisdom to Bully Ray, but was disrespected for it.  So he’s calling out Jeff Hardy, even though it’s not actually Open Fight Night.  Aries attacks on the floor and gets two in the ring, and a kneedrop gets two.  Necksnap gets two.  Hardy comes back and slugs away in the corner, but Aries dumps him to the floor rather unceremoniously.  We take a break and return with Aries trying the brainbuster, which is reversed by Hardy for two.  Blind charge misses and Aries goes up with a mocking frog splash that gets two.  Hardy rolls him up for two and gets a jawbreaker, then comes back with the clothesline and a middle rope splash for two.  Aries counters the Twist and bails to the floor, but Hardy hits him with a dive while Aries takes a weird bump that ends with a t-shirt wrapped around his head.  Dunno what that was about, unless it was just Aries being a goof.  Hardy hits him with a pair of Twists, but Matt Morgan runs in for the DQ at 12:25.  Just give it up with this guy already.  Good match, crap finish.  ***1/4  Bully Ray quickly comes out to save Jeff from any further boots to the head.

Meanwhile, Sting rallies the troops and promises to set the first example himself.

Wes Brisco is out to make threats to Kurt Angle, who quickly charges out to attack Wes.  D-Lo and Al Snow comes out to break it up, and D-Lo of course make his shocking heel turn and reveals himself as the VP of Aces & Eights.  So that’s everyone unmasked, and these are actually the guys they’re running with for their top heel stable.  Anyone actually care?  No?  Moving on.

Sting v. Devon

Has Devon even defended that stupid TV title in this calendar year?  Devon slugs Sting down in the corner and follows with a clothesline for two, but misses a diving headbutt.  Sting comes back with the Stinger splash and they fight to the floor, where a planted fan tosses a drink in Sting’s face, allowing Devon to get the pin at 3:20.   ½*  Sting is bleeding all over the place, so I guess it was a glass or something, I dunno, it’s never really explored further.

Meanwhile, the Gut Check judges eliminate Ivellise and send Lei’d Tapa to the contract round.  REALLY?!?

Christopher Daniels, Kazarian & Gail Kim v. Chavo Guerrero, Hernandez & Velvet Sky

The babyfaces throw Daniels around to start and double-team him, but Kim finally trips up Chavo to turn the tide.  Pretty dull heat segment with chinlocks from Kaz and Daniels, and it’s hot tag Velvet, who spears Gail for two.  Daniels breaks it up and puts the moves on her, but gets nowhere with that.  They brawl outside and heel miscommunication allows Hernandez to hit them both with the dive, but Gail finishes Sky at 7:00.  Just a match.  **

Meanwhile, Homeless AJ is all GET OFFA MY LAND!

Doc & Garrett Bischoff v. Samoa Joe & Magnus

Joe and Magnus continue to squabble in between beating up Garrett, which is a nice nod to their past, but a cheapshot from Doc allows Garrett to take over with choking.  Doc comes in with a splash for two and goes to the chinlock, but Joe gets the hot tag and the babyfaces are right back in the double-teaming groove again.  They get rid of Garrett and finish Doc with the snapmare and flying elbow combo at 4:50.   Good to see them having fun out there again, but HOLY GOD Bischoff looked like a celebrity guest star trying to work a match with pros or something out there.   Either he needs to get a lot better really fast or they have to keep him off live TV.  *1/2

Gut Check Decision:  Danny Davis replaces Taz, which leads earlier to a funny bit where Taz questions why a former evil referee should be on the panel.  The crowd won’t even let her talk, chanting “No” as soon as she gets the mic.  Davis votes yes, Bruce Pritchard votes no, and despite the crowd completely shitting all over her, Snow votes yes to give her the contract.  I have no idea what the thinking behind this one is.

Mr. Anderson v. James Storm

Anderson lays out Storm and pounds away in the corner, but Storm quickly comes back with the running neckbreaker and codebreaker.  This brings the Aces out for the staredown with Sting’s Squadron, and Anderson gets the fluke pin at 3:54.  Yeah.  DUD

And speaking of DUDs, Bully Ray and Jeff Hardy are out for the main event interview, as they try desperately to come up with a reason for why we should give a shit about this match, when they’ve actually come right out and told us that Hogan gave his son-in-law the title shot.  And this does nothing to help, and then it’s a big Aces v. TNA brawl to end the Impact Zone era.

The Pulse

This show did NOTHING to make me want to see the PPV on Sunday.  In fact, the Aces were booked so weakly in their win over the babyfaces that it actually negated any desire to order the show I might have had before.  They have a main event with no issue, and their “hot” program features a bunch of midcarders who got turfed out of WWE, led by the hype man for the Nation of Domination.  I gave them a pass for this shit last week, but tonight was just stupid up and down.

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