Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 3.8.13 (Big Show vs Sheamus)

We’re back after a disastrous “Social Media Smackdown” last week. With the WWE Universe having chosen Alberto del Rio’s challenger tonight, will we have a REAL bout worth talking about?

Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger join us in the ring as the fans boo Swagger’s introduction of Colter. Honestly, Zeb’s character is so repugnant and prejudiced that there’s no way this could possibly fail to elicit heat from the crowd…as long as Swagger keeps his words to a minimum. “We the people,” indeed. There’s nothing new to their spiel this week and del Rio himself interrupts to give us a real treat: a parody of Colter and Swagger’s Youtube videos! Ricardo Rodriguez is all dressed up as Colter with a ridiculously over-the-top amount of facial hair and a huge gut, whilst del Rio has a blonde wig and some facial hair that makes him look….Arabesque. The two talk about how Mexican food is a plot against real America. Del Rio does a good job spouting one-word reactions to Ricardo’s Colter.

Actually, that sucked. Who the hell wrote that skit?

Team Hell No vs 3MB
McIntyre and Slater represent 3MB in this tag match as the Tag Team Champions own their opponents until Bryan goes to the outside and the numbers game comes into play. Bryan escapes McIntyre and tags in Kane. Slater gets tagged back in and the finish sees Bryan tag himself in, dodge an attempt by Slater to send Kane into him, and turn a roll-up into the No Lock for the win.

Matt Striker is backstage with Dolph Ziggler, who was voted by the WWE Universe to be del Rio’s opponent tonight. He spouts a generic “history-making” heel promo, but let’s be honest; he’s just going to job again.

Ryback heads to the ring and has a stare-down with Mark Henry backstage. Ooh, tension.

I’m not really sure what the company is planning for Team Hell No. As it stands, there’s no threat to their titles and the fact that their loyalty to one another wavers from week-to-week makes me think the WWE has no idea what to do with them.

Brad Maddox is on commentary for some reason as we get our first Raw Rebound: Triple H challenges Brock Lesnar to a match at Wrestlemania.

Ryback vs Damien Sandow
Sandow calls Ryback “the man that Darwin’s Theory of Evolution forgot.” Before he can get off another quip, Ryback heads to the ring as Maddox says he’s calling the shots since JBL is still climbing mountains. Maddox on commentary is so bizarre, as he calls Michael Cole his employee even though he’s just an ASSISTANT to the Managing Supervisor of Raw. This kid could actually stand a chance here with his quirky personality. I approve. Oh, and Ryback wins the match.

This was one of those matches meant to call attention to the commentary more than the wrestlers in the ring, so I suppose one could say it got the job done.

After Raw on Monday night, The Shield delivered a triple power bomb to the Big Show. Matt Striker is in the locker room with Show and he blames Orton and Sheamus for the beating he received. Looks like he’s not going to seek retribution for what happened……which mean he’ll be forced to by the end of the night. Sometimes I hate cliches.

Alberto del Rio vs Dolph Ziggler

Maddox is STILL on commentary, patting himself on the back and saying he’ll make Smackdown “the Monday Night Raw of Friday nights.” Ziggler is in control as the match begins and Big E takes a cheap shot at the champ. Rodriguez responds by throwing del Rio’s scarf in Big E’s face! Langston stalks Ricardo but AJ Lee stops him. When she turns around, Rodriguez throws a bucket of water over her and AJ is soaked! Now Big E has to restrain AJ as she chases Ricardo around the ring until the ref decides to eject the heels from ringside. When we return from break, the focus rightly returns to the actual MATCH at hand, with Ziggler back in control. Del Rio counters a leaping charge from the corner by dropping Ziggler on his head. Del Rio follows that up with a REVERSE SUPERPLEX off the top rope! A tilt-a-whirl backbreaker gets the crowd fired up and a super kick gets a two-and-a-half as Maddox marks out! Del Rio hits some kidney shots in the ropes and a Backstabber! He climbs to the top rope and leaps…but eats a dropkick right to the jaw! Both men are pulling out all the stops as del Rio tries for a running enziguri buts eats a float-over DDT! A Cross Arm Breaker is reversed into a roll-up for two, and a second attempt is successful in making Ziggler tap out!

Backstage, Daniel Bryan and AJ insult one another, ending with AJ telling Bryan that he lost his title in 18 seconds….and DB responding with, “I’m sure you’re used to 18 seconds since you’re with Dolph Ziggler.” BURN!

That was a fun ending sequence, but yet again Ziggler is put into matches clearly designed for him to lose. With an entourage AND MitB, Ziggler still looks like a pathetic loser. How is he supposed to look like a legitimate main eventer at this point?

Mark Henry vs Yoshi Tatsu
Maddox remarks that Tatsu is his favorite WWE Superstar of all time. And in two moves, Henry wins.

Raw Rebound 2: John Cena and The Rock have a “Quote-Off.”

Kaitlyn vs Tamina
Layla is at ringside to continue the slow burn of her totally unnecessary heel turn. Oh, and it looks like Kaitlyn has a new theme song too. Cody Rhodes is watching with concern backstage. Kaitlyn attempts an early Spear but her face hits the second rope in a brutal spot. Layla ineffectually tries to interfere on the outside but Tamina tosses her aside and hits a Samoan Drop for the upset victory. After the match, Cody asks Sandow what he thinks of Kaitlyn. Sandow tells him, “She’s made the most of what she has, considering her deficient gene pool.” He tells Rhodes to work on a strategy against the New Age Outlaws for Monday night, but Cody has his eyes on Kaitlyn.

Looks like Mr. Rhodes has a thing for Kaitlyn’s bewbs. Can’t say I blame him.

Justin Gabriel vs Fandango
Twenty bucks says Fandango doesn’t actually wrestle tonight. Any takers? Lillian Garcia botches his name, so he refuses to wrestle. If this were a legitimate sport, he would have been fired for refusing to perform three times already. Booker T and Teddy Long are in Booker’s office, watching the proceedings and Booker echoes my sentiments, telling Teddy to inform Fandango that he’d better wrestle the next time he’s put into a match.

Raw Rebound 3: Undertaker returns. CM Punk earns the right to job to him.

So far tonight there have only been two good things: Maddox on commentary and the finish to del Rio/Ziggler. I have a feeling that’s all I’m going to wind up enjoying.

Sheamus vs Big Show
Once again, this match is just an excuse for The Shield to make a run-in after Sheamus knocks out Show with the Brogue Kick. Randy Orton makes the save but it’s three-on-one! Big Show gets back to his feet and attacks The Shield! After the pack of hyenas escape, Big Show KOs Sheamus and eats an RKO! HOW CAN THEY EVER LEARN TO WORK TOGETHER?!!!!!!!

As I said, the only highlights on tonight’s broadcast were the end of the del Rio/Ziggler match and Maddox’s ad-libbed commentary. We’re getting closer and closer to Wrestlemania…where’s the excitement?!

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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