The SmarK RAW Rant – 03.11.13
Live from Indianapolis, IN
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
We start with a wonderful tribute video for Paul Bearer, which will hopefully be followed by a Hall of Fame induction. Undertaker also joins us, paying tribute to the almighty urn one final time…and CM Punk interrupts. Oh man. Punk thinks the silver lining is that Paul Bearer will always remember Undertaker as 20-0 at Wrestlemania, but everyone else will remember the day that Punk beat the streak. Boy, if they wanted a way to make people pay to see Undertaker kick his ass, they found it.
During the break, Kane comes out to destroy Punk, but he wisely runs away. We return with Kane beating up random guys in the locker room in anger. See, that’s a relatable and easily understood issue between two guys: Punk insults the memory of Kane’s dead father, Kane wants revenge. Tasteless as it might seem, it’s a totally effective way to reheat Kane again.
Big Show v. Seth Rollins
Here in Canada on our version of Big Brother, one of the hamsters is a huge wrestling nerd, and has already formed an alliance called “The Shield” with another contestant. So obviously I’m Team Peter. Show, understandably upset after last week, goes after Reigns outside, and the Shield swarms in for the DQ before the match even starts. Show fights off Ambrose, but falls victim to a spear from Reigns and another triple powerbomb. So there’s your babyface turn.
Meanwhile, CM Punk complains to Vickie and Maddox about his treatment at the hands of Kane, and ends up with a No-DQ match against him as a result.
Daniel Bryan v. Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler again gets no entrance as his stock continues to plummet for some reason. Bryan takes him down by the leg and hooks a surfboard, but Ziggler gets a dropkick for two. Bryan throws kicks in the corner for two while Cole points out that Ziggler has from now until July to cash in the briefcase. And they’ll probably stretch it out until then at the rate they’re going. Bryan backdrops him to the floor as we take a break. Really? We already had a commercial in place of Dolph’s entrance. Back with Bryan catapulting Ziggler into the corner to escape the headstand chinlock, and he comes back with a clothesline before missing a blind charge. Ziggler with the sleeper, but Bryan reverses to a rollup for two. They trade forearms and Bryan pelts him with kicks again and gets two. He goes up and Ziggler follows, but Bryan tries a backdrop superplex, which Ziggler counters in mid-air for two. Bryan tries a rana, and Ziggler hotshots him and follows with the fameasser for two. Ziggler pounds away, but Bryan turns it into the No-Lock, necessitating Big E’s interference to get him into the ropes. Ziggler rolls Bryan up for two, but Bryan reverses into the No-Lock again, and Ziggler finishes with the Zig Zag at 12:28. Holy cow, Ziggler wins a match CLEAN! And what a match. ***1/2
Tensai v. Fandango
This of course doesn’t happen, as Tensai is once again unable to properly pronounce “Fandango”. This is getting tiresome already.
The Rhodes Scholars v. The New Age Outlaws
The Scholars do their own version of the Outlaws’ spiel, and Sandow doing air quotes during “down with it” kills me for some reason. You ever get the sinking feeling that the Outlaws are going to end Hell No’s tag title reign at Wrestlemania? Because I’m getting worried. Dogg quickly slugs away on Rhodes, but walks into the disaster kick…and here’s Brock Lesnar. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be D-X members tonight. And Brock BEATS THE FUCK out of the Outlaws. Quoth Heyman, Brock doesn’t play games, he HURTS PEOPLE. Yeah he does. They’ll take the match with HHH, but Brock gets to name the stipulations…after HHH signs the contract.
Kofi Kingston v. Mark Henry
Wait a minute, how can Kofi be wrestling here, AND live in the Score studios with Arda Ocal? SHENANIGANS! Henry runs Kofi into the corner and bearhugs him, then puts him on the floor with a kick before missing a charge and hitting the post outside. Kofi mounts the comeback, but Mark catches a bodypress attempt and finishes the World’s Strongest Slam at 2:28. *
Meanwhile, Cody attempts to romance Kaitlyn with his mustache, but the Bella Twins return from autograph signing purgatory and mustache-block him. That’s a random storyline development for the Rhodes Scholars. Vickie pops in and makes another match for the Scholars tonight, since the Outlaws match wasn’t much of a workout for them.
Ryback v. Heath Slater
Clothesline and Shellshock finish at 1:00. Mark Henry is out for the staredown, and there’s your Wrestlemania match.
Alberto Del Rio v. Antonio Cesaro
Del Rio controls to start, but Cesaro powerbombs him into the corner for two and takes over. Del Rio into the corner for two. Cesaro drops elbows and goes to the chinlock, but Del Rio makes the comeback for a pretty tepid crowd. The low kick gets two. Cesaro blocks the armbar and bails to the apron, but Del Rio gets a backstabber for two. ADR goes up and lands on Cesaro’s SWISS DEATH forearm, but that only gets two. Del Rio quickly comes back with the armbar at 4:38. Does Cesaro beat ANYONE outside of the Miz? He literally loses every match on RAW for weeks now. This was OK, but the crowd isn’t buying the pandering Del Rio act. **
The Rhodes Scholars v. Sheamus & Randy Orton
Sheamus overpowers both Scholars, but gets pulled to the floor by Sandow and attacked out there. Back in, Cody gets two and goes to a chinlock, but Sheamus escapes with a clothesline and makes the hot tag to Orton. Exploder suplex on Rhodes gets two, but Sandow saves him from the draping DDT and sends Orton into the post. Back in, the ELBOW OF DISDAIN follows for two. Cody with a front suplex for two. He goes up, but Orton comes back with the powerslam and makes the hot tag to Sheamus, and stereo finishers end it at 8:04. It was what it was. **
The Highlight Reel with Miz and Wade Barrett, as we get to hear about how AWESOME Marine 3 is, and sit through MORE FUCKING MOVIE TRAILERS. This is getting really obnoxious, even by their standards. The interplay is so terrible that Cole starts burying the segment, and then Maddox comes out and stumbles all over himself in brutal fashion, setting up Miz v. Jericho with the winner getting Barrett next week. This was even more terrible than I can do justice here
The Miz v. Chris Jericho
Barrett is on commentary, and Cole is even more cloying talking about what a “hit” Dead Man Down is, when in fact it’s one of the biggest flops of the year so far. Miz with a big boot for two, but Jericho reverses out of the neckbreaker and follows with the Lionsault, which misses. Miz counters out of the Walls as well and tries the figure-four, but Jericho reverses to the Walls, and Miz cradles for two. Jericho with another Walls, but Miz makes the ropes. They fight on the floor and Barrett interferes for the DQ at 3:57. What a spectacularly bad finish. *1/2
Speaking of bad, Alberto Del Rio spoofs the We The People videos, which is typical WWE by self-referencing something that’s not getting over and patting themselves on the back for being so clever.
Jack Swagger v. Sin Cara
Zeb cuts an ENDLESS promo while Cara stands there like an idiot taking the abuse, as Swagger continues to not justify this push with any kind of crowd reaction. They quickly hit the floor, and Cara gets the corner kick back in the ring, but dives onto a big boot. Swagger finishes with the anklelock at 1:47. Del Rio runs out for the save, and everyone continues not caring about any of this.
CM Punk v. Kane
This doesn’t even start until the top of the hour. Jesus, some of us have to get up for work in the morning, guys. So they brawl outside of the ring right away and Kane beats on him, and back in where Punk goes up with the flying elbow for two. And they fight outside as we take A COMMERCIAL BREAK?! I WANT TO GO TO BED, JERKS! Wrap it up already! So, like 20 minutes later, Undertaker’s gong distracts Punk and Kane chokeslams him to get his revenge at 12:38. Yeah, and Punk steals the urn, because THAT’S never been done before. Whatever, I’m done with this show, good night.
The Pulse:
I SAID GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR. This one fell off a cliff so fast it doesn’t even warrant a bottom line.
You’re honestly wasting your time scrolling down here. I’ve got nothing left to say.
