The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 03.28.13
Live from Jonesboro, Arkansas (I think that’s where it is), it’s OPEN FIGHT NIGHT! Holy god do these packed arenas look millions of times better. I really wish that Sasktel carried Spike HD to properly appreciate how major league they look now.
Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Mike Tenay & Taz
Jeff Hardy starts us out, flaunting his #1 contendership. This quickly brings out Bully Ray and the Aces, as Mr. Anderson is aghast at all the chances that Jeff is getting. As long as Jeff is “selling the merch” the rules don’t apply to him. QFT. This of course leads to an attempted Aces beatdown, but the troops rally behind Hardy to save, setting up our main event tonight with Jeff v. Ken.
Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez v. Bad Influence
Winner is #1 contender to the tag titles. The LAX double-team Kaz in the corner and then do some cool stuff to Daniels as well. Chavo backdrops him to the floor and he WHACKS his head on the stairs on the way down and you can tell that wasn’t just selling. Ouch. TO THE RAMP for stereo dives from the LAX, but Chavo gets caught from behind while trying the triple suplex. And we take a break for some reason. Geez, just because WWE does that shit doesn’t mean everyone has to. Back with Kaz hitting a slingshot legdrop for two and working on the arm, but Chavo comes back with a flying headscissors. Kaz accidentally clotheslines his partner and hetero lifemate, and it’s HOT TAG Hernandez. Crowd is deeply into this. Hernandez does a CRAZY double backbreaker on the heels and gets two on Daniels, but he bails to the apron. Hernandez suplexes him back in and Kaz does the old Bobby Heenan trip from outside, but the ref sees it for once. Hernandez continues beating on them alone, but Daniels gets the pinfall attempt in the corner, which the ref sees AGAIN. What is with this competent refereeing all of a sudden? Chavo comes in with the frog splash, but it misses and Daniels gets two with a handful of tights. Daniels tries the Angel’s Wings, but Hernandez breaks it up with a shoulderblock and Chavo pins him at 11:54 to get the title shot. Not the result anyone wanted, but it was a HOT tag match. ***3/4
Taryn Terrell v. Gail Kim
With typical TNA logic, Terrell gets over with the referee look, so they immediately restyle her hair and totally change her outfit. That kind of thing drives me insane. Granted, the pants are even tinier, but what about CONTINUITY? Anyway, this actually doesn’t happen, as Tara comes in for the double-team beatdown until Velvet Sky saves.
Meanwhile, all four chicks continue brawling backstage. Four active women on the roster and one actual storyline beats the hell out of anything done by WWE with the division, so point for TNA.
Next Week: Gut Check returns with Adam Pearce v. Magno. Wasn’t Pearce just NWA World champion a few months ago, for whatever little that means now?
Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan allows Jeff Hardy to pick the stipulations for his title match, which is two weeks away you know. So I guess with no more PPV they’re going with the Big TV Match model, which is fine by me.
Sting is out to admit that yeah, he might have been wrong about Bully Ray. And he’s calling Hulk out for a talk. So Hulk comes out and verbally BITCHSLAPS him and he’s tired of people getting in his face about this whole deal, BROTHER. For whatever reason this storyline has totally re-energized Hogan’s fire. He tells Sting to get lost, and Sting is all MAKE ME, and damn if these senior citizens aren’t KILLING this shit. That’s pro wrestling in a nutshell. If only Hogan could still work a match to pay this off in any meaningful manner.
James Storm calls out AJ Styles, who is still hanging out in the rafters and looking all unkempt. AJ has no interest in either fighting or talking, so the Aces come in for the attack, and Angle & Young make the save to set up a six-man, RIGHT HERE in Jonesboro.
Doc, Wes Brisco & Garrett Bischoff v. Kurt Angle, James Storm & Eric Young
The faces work Bischoff over and EY gets two off an elbow, but he walks into a clothesline. The Aces take over, but Eric gets a forearm on Wes for two. He pounds away in the corner and drops an elbow for two, but a cheapshot from the apron turns the tide and Brisco gets two. We take a break and return with Young making the hot tag to Storm, thus omitting the entire heat segment. Or maybe not, as Storm quickly gets clobbered by Doc and beaten down again. Doc chokes away in the corner and gets a butterfly suplex for two. Storm fights back on Bischoff, but walks into an elbow for two. Brischoff do some double-teaming on Storm as Taz teases them winning the tag titles. NOOOOOOOOOO! Brisco with the chinlock and Doc throws hands in the corner but a charge misses and Storm comes back with a clothesline. Hot tag Angle and throws suplexes like they’re on clearance. Bischoff finds a chain, but Angle wraps him up with the anklelock, and Brisco gets the cheap rollup for the pin at 14:20. That was probably the best match you’re ever going to see anyone on the heel side involved with. Hot crowd + tag team formula = Unfuckupable. ***1/2 Brisco is doing a good job working on his Brian Pillman tribute, but he needs to delve further into the crazy with it.
Meanwhile, Anderson is gonna frickin’ lose his frickin’ mind. Bully is OK with that development.
Next week: Sonjay Dutt v. Mason Andrews v. PETEY WILLIAMS for a shot at the X title. Also, there’s an X division PPV next week. I might check that one out for $15, actually.
Jeff Hardy v. Mr. Anderson
Anderson fires away in the corner, but Jeff takes him to the floor with a headscissors and follows with a dive from the apron, but Anderson sends him into the stairs and they fight on the ramp. Back in as we take a break, and SHIT, I caught up to the DVR and now I have to sit through four minutes of commercials. Maybe I’ll hit the mailbag while I wait.
“Do people ever discuss how uncomfortable it is to watch old Mr. Perfect matches with his junk so obviously showing through his tights?
Does Meltzer have any insight in an old Observer about why no one ever pointed this out to him? Had he just taped it up or worn a cup, I wouldn’t have to cringe every time he does the Perfect plex and they cut to one of the low angle hand held cameras. It’s brutal.”
On second thought, no, let’s not.
Back with Anderson holding a wristlock, forcing Hardy to fight out, so Anderson gets an armbar takedown for two. They slug it out and Hardy wins that one to set up the comeback, with the low dropkick getting two. Middle rope splash gets two. Anderson gets the Lambeau Leap for two and dodges a Hardy flip dive for two, but the ref gets bumped and Anderson gets his hammer. Hardy with the Twist, and he uses the hammer for the DQ at 10:00. Well, here goes his probation. *** Hardy continues beating on poor Ken with Tables, Ladders and Chairs, so he seems to be sending some sort of weird coded message about his stipulation choice. He’s the enigma, you know. He tries for the dive off the ladder, but Bully Ray saves, which has my wife concerned for Jeff’s hurt feelings due to his carefully engineered spot getting ruined.
The Pulse
This remains the best wrestling show on TV by far. These live road shows are amazeballs, and this week had great wrestling and hot angles.
