That Being Said: The WrestleMania Expedition – Part 8 of 10 – WWE SmackDown – 03.29.2013 (The Rock, John Cena, CM Punk)

Welcome! This is the eighth out of thirteen stops on “That Being Said: The WrestleMania Expedition”. For anyone unfamiliar with my work or recaps, I have disclaimers at the bottom of the article along with the “Expedition” schedule.

 

Guess who’s back?!?!

* Begin Scene. Blair Douglas, Chris Sanders & Rhett Davis are all huddled around the broken and burned remains of STD (Stereotypical TNA Douchebag) robot. *

CHRIS SANDERS: What happened to him?
BD: He was a robot that me and Swayze built to enjoy TNA. Once we stopped covering it, we had no use for him. Swayze turned him into one of those ROOMBA robots.

STD

RHETT DAVIS: Huh. Then what?
BD: Then Swayze realized that it couldn’t go up stairs, dumped it in his basement, and he’s been there ever since. Every once in a while he gets drunk and goes down to yell at him.
SANDERS: Will he still work?
BD: Let’s find out.

* BD turns STD on.* 

STD: Where… where am I? Hi guys!
BD: STD, how have you been?
STD: STD has experienced all the best in his recent endeavours.
RHETT: As a robot?
STD: Well, it’s no TNA Sacrifice, but there is some stuff on Swayze’s carpet that would astonish modern science.
RHETT: Ew.
SANDERS: We’re looking for you to help us with a recap.
STD: Sure!!! Let’s get ready for some Impact Zone ACTION, baby!!!
RHETT: Oooh… he’s… he’s been off a while.
STD: What do you mean?
SANDERS: Well, there is no Impact Zone anymore, for one thing.
STD: WHAT?!?!?! At least tell me Gunner and Crimson are at World Title level now.
RHETT:
SANDERS:
BD: Okay, he works. We’ll need to make some adjustments though, if we want him to watch WWE.
STD: You want me to watch WHA…

* BD turns STD off, and opens him up. An hour later… *

BD: All right, let’s give him a shot.

* BD flips the switch, turning STD on. *

PUSS: Uh… my… my head…
BD: You don’t have a head.
SANDERS: STD? How do you feel?
PUSS: STD? Who’s STD? I’m PUSS!
RHETT: Puss?
PUSS: PUSS! Positive (WWE) Universe Superstar Sycophant! Watcher of ALL of WWE’s programming!
BD: Okay, he’s working.
SANDERS: Let’s test him out.
BD: Okay. Hey Puss, what do you think of Shaemus?
PUSS: Shaemus is a great wrestler and his in-ring work has improved tremendously. It’s too bad creative doesn’t have any more for him, as the crowd obviously would love a main-event push from wrestling’s best big man!
BD: Hmm, he’s not quite sycophant-y enough.
RHETT: Did you turn the “sycophant” setting to maximum?
BD: Well, I set it at “Matt Harrak” and I thought that would be enough. Should I push it all the way up to ” Rey Mundo”?
RHETT: Could be dangerous, it’s one thing to do that with a TNA robot, but with a WWE robot… it might overheat.
SANDERS: Only one way to find out.

* Rhett cranks the sycopant setting to maximum. *

BD: Okay. Hey PUSS.
PUSS: Hey, fellow WWE Universe member!
BD: What do you think of… Fandango?
PUSS: FANDANGO!!! That guy is the future. He’s improved in the ring tremendously since his debut.
SANDERS: He hasn’t wrestled yet, though.
PUSS: EXACTLY.
RHETT: … my God.
BD: … we’re ready. Rhett, can you control him while Sanders and I do our thing?
RHETT: Done.

* End scene. *

That’s right. Because the thought of doing SmackDown myself seemed like an ever-tightening noose around my throat as the time got closer, I decided it might be a bit more fun, since these shows are insanely predictable going into WrestleMania this year, to get some help. So Chris Sanders from THE RAGER and Rhett Davis generously offered to try and make it fun with me. I know you haven’t seen STD for a while (management took him off the road for a bit to keep him from getting stale) but he’s back! In PUSS form!

 

That Being Said: The WrestleMania Expedition

Part 8 of 10: WWE SmackDown – 02.29.2013

Starring BD, Chris Sanders, James Sawyer, Jonah Kue, Crystal & Rhett Davis as PUSS (Positive Universe Superstar Sycophant)

SmackDown is on the SCIENCE FICTION network now? That’s fucking hilarious.

Opening video package. Shit, Rock is on tonight? Crazy. Apparently Swagger has brought out a “darker version” of the “Mexican World Heavyweight Champion”. HA!

The Rock shows up and the crowd comes goddamn unglued. He’s literally soaking wet and I have no idea why.

SANDERS: I’m assuming he stole all of HHH’s watcer backstage.

PUSS: WELCOME TO FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN! IT’S THE PEOPLE’S SHOW! WE HAVE THE PEOPLE’S CHAMPION! BAH GAWD WE HAVE BRADSHAW BACK!

They replay that weird shit from Monday where they flew in legends to ask questions that literally anyone could have asked. Cole says he’s been thinking about it all week. What a loser. Rock has a Hershey bar wrapper because they’re in a town called Hershey, and he says about a month ago he did “Story Time With The Rock” so he’s going to talk about some more motivational shit. He talks about being 15 and shows a picture of himself as some sort of pimp.

PUSS: He’s soaking wet from the tears of the TNA fans crying over how they didn’t have enough money to get The ROCK!

Anyway, you know how this shit goes. A motivational story mixed with how he gets emotional every time he comes to THIS town as well (he must get emotional a lot) and he beat-matches THAT into the usual Rock open before going back to the motivational story. Dental plan, Lisa needs braces. Dental plan, Lisa needs braces. Dental plan, Lisa needs braces. Dental plan, Lisa needs braces. Dental plan, Lisa needs braces. Dental plan, Lisa needs braces. Rock apparently threatened to kill some old lady to get some candy. Candy-ass. Something. I don’t know.

Uh… okay, now Johnny Ace is here. This is apparently surprising for some reason. Commercial. We’re back, and they’re eye-fucking one another in the ring. Rock says he doesn’t know who Johnny Ace is – which is silly. Ace introduces himself, and does his heel schtick, and Rock says he interrupted story time. This makes Ace a huge babyface in my book. Rock threatens to beat up an old man.

PUSS: John Laurinaitis has maxed out the awesomeness of this segment guys.  And as for Rock he’s done the blue hell, finally, and that’s all I remember because I’m MARKING OUT OVER HERE!

Ace says Cena was the reason why he was fired, and Cena is the reason why he’s back. He wants to be in Rock’s corner. He says they’re “two great tastes that taste great together.”

CRYSTAL: Borrrrring.

PUSS: YES… I mean no! It’s The ROCK! It can’t be boring with The Brahma Bull!

Fuck me! Crystal, formerly of THE BEST F%$#ING TNA TEAM EVER! She’s back!

CRYSTAL: I did it. For my people. Why does Ace want to TASTE The Rock?

JONAH KUE: Because he tastes like Reese’s, apparently. 

Holy shit! Kue is here! It’s like a motherfucking swarm of bees in here. I thought, when I asked if anyone wanted to do SmackDown with me, that people would tell me to fall in a well and die.

Anyway, Rock and Ace go back and forth. Rock wants to shake his hand, and everyone EXCEPT Ace realizes that Rock is going to Rock Bottom this old dude. They tease this for a couple minutes, literally. Then he Rock Bottoms him and says that he’s kicking John Cena’s ass. Beating up an old man was apparently the set-up for that. Bullying is wrong.

PUSS: Can we just make Johnny Ace the special referee for the match at WrestleMania? Because that would be AWWWWESOMEEEEE!

KUE: I think we have a different perspective of “awesome”, homie.

Segment over.

Tonight, we have Orton, Shaemus & Big Show against Cessaro, Sandow and… someone. I missed it. And, a BENCH PRESS CHALLENGE between Ryback and Henry.

PUSS: BENCH PRESS CHALLENGE?!?! YES! Who needs wrestling?? THIS IS SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT BAYBAY!

And, Jericho is fighting Wade Barrett.

CRYSTAL: Jericho’s back again?

PUSS: Hell yeah Jericho is back! He’s back to take Fannnnndannnnnngoooooo to the stars! He’ll be wrestling Undertaker in two years take my word for it!

CRYSTAL: What. The fuck is a Fandango.

JAMES SAWYER: BD, You’re pretty popular for a Canadian who listens to the worst music in the world.

Holy shit. Sawyer’s here!!! I can’t keep up with this. I’m running out of colours.

SAWYER: Don’t worry. There’s no chance in hell of me watching SmackDown. 

PUSS: But why Sawyer? This is primetime television! Don’t believe me? Check out the Did You Know? It’ll tell you how SmackDown had more viewers than all of the HBO channels put together last week!

Commercials. There’s a “Robot Combat League” apparently.

CRYSTAL: Robot Combat League?! Have we submitted PUSS for that?

 

30 minutes in, and we get a match apparently. But it’s got Wade Barrett in it, so a WWE sycophant is probably the best choice for recap duty. PUSS, take it away buddy.

Chris Jericho .vs. Wade Barrett
Recapped by PUSS (Positive Universe Superstar Sycophant)

Wade Barrett is the fiercest competitor I have ever seen. Don’t believe me? Look at how Orton got thrown down the flight of stairs!  THE MIZ IS ON COMMENTARY!? THAT’S AWESOMEEEEE!  Barrett knocks down Jericho and that’s just prove of his strength.  Jericho knocks Wade out of the ring and then hits a baseball slide! THAT’S VINTAGE JERICHO!  Back in the ring and Wade is hitting Jericho with lots of blows that have to be bruising all of his insides.  Jericho is now on the apron and WHAM! Barrett big boots him off the apron.

Commercials?! Already!?
#AWESOME #BARRETTBARRAGE #SMACKDOWN @WWE There! Now I can get in the run for that Best of WWE Raw and SmackDown DVD!  I mean I have already seen them all twice but now I can have them in DVD FORM!  #YESYESYES We’re back and Barrett hits a WINDS OF CHANGE! That’s it! NO! It’s a two count?! This is match of the night already.  Not only do we get to see Wade, but we get to listen to the harmonic voice of THE MIZ!  Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Wade reverses! Wade charges and Jericho pulls down the rope and he falls out.  Wade rolls Jericho back in and now we’re getting a confrontation between Wade and Miz! Business is about to pick up!  Wade gets back in the ring and gets hit by a Codebreaker! #NONONO
Winner:  Chris Jericho

Jericho now has the mic? Go home Jericho! No one likes you! We want more Miz and Wade Barrett interactions! Wait he’s about to try Fandango’s name again? Funaki? Fandingo? Fantamoftheopera? This is just wonderful! Forget the Aces and Eights! We have a dancer with the most eloquent name in wrestling today!

Yeah… afterwards, Jericho talks about how the stage is set up for a Fandango entrance. He makes fun of his name in an un-funny segment (and I like Jericho) and then Fandango comes out and dances down to the ring. Then he leaves. That was literally the segment. Nothing happened. At all.

CRYSTAL: WHAT IS THIS?!? This whatever Fagdango guy is getting a match with Jericho at WM??! This show has managed to become even more homosexual than it already was.

Thoughts, everyone?

CRYSTAL:

SANDERS: I think Miz shared the secret to his success by keeping his eyes on his opponents balls. I could be the only one, though.

SAWYER: Did i miss Cody Rhodes?  Is his new gimmick “The Creeper?” Does he go to his matches in a white van?

KUE: He does. And abducts superstars later reported as “injured”.

Uh… focus, guys.

SAWYER: Cody’s catchphrase should be “who likes candy?” and “don’t tell your mom!”

CRYSTAL: Why did you invite me to this monstrosity, Douglas? I was much better off having sworn off this show since Hell In A Cell.

FOCUS!!!

KUE: Fine. Somebody sell me on Barrett, ’cause I’ve yet to jump on this bandwagon. I found an episode of Scandal more entertaining than his match.

Yeah, he’s horrible. Miz being on commentary hurt this quite a bit. He and JBL seem like good buddies now, which is nice because I’m pretty sure JBL used to rape him in the shower or something?

KUE: I dunno, it might have been consensual.

Commercial. Miz showing up at a kid’s birthday party in his underwear is still weird.

 

Triple H / Brock Lesnar Video Package .vs. I Don’t Know, Maybe Having More Than One Match In One Hour
Recapped by PUSS (Positive Universe Superstar Sycophant)

PUSS: YES! My Favorite part of SmackDown! Watching what I loved about Raw… again! Just like WrestleMania! TNA you think you have REAL wrestling?! LOOK AT THAT BLOOD! Brock had blood all over his head! #HESHARDCORE #HESHARDCORE I can’t believe that scumbag Paul Heyman would say that about Triple H’s wife like that… I hope HHH brings the HAMMER DOWN on him! Who needs Thor? We got HHH with the SLEDGE Hammer!

Winner: Nobody

KUE: Honestly, I can’t wait for the ‘Mania season to be over. This is the most predictable time of the year. The only thing worse than that is the utter shock from the IWC at how predictable it is.

 

Josh Matthews Interviewing Paul Heyman .vs. I Don’t Know, Maybe Having More Than One Match In One Hour. Fuck!
Recapped by Chris Sanders

SANDERS: So Josh Matthews is interviewing Heyman who apparently has a position for HHH, insert whatever joke you deem fit here. This position is essentially the one he already with the exception of wrestling, which was what he had been doing previous to all of this garbage. I’m trying to listen to what Heyman is saying but he’s face is all discolored and the camera is in an uncomfortable close-up, it’s distracting. Oh and Paul say BROOOOCK LESSSSNAR and that’s all you really need to know.

Winner: Everybody

 

Holy shit! A match!

Bench Press Challenge
Ryback .vs. Mark Henry

… sort of? Not what I had in mind.

KUE: Oh Jesus, kill me.

PUSS: This is can’t miss TV! Where else will you see two men competing in a BENCH PRESS CHALLENGE?!

SAWYER: If there’s anything people love to watch, it’s guys working out. 

PUSS: But… but… THAT’S WHAT HE DO!

SANDERS: I’m doing the Mark Henry dance already. Mark Henry starts off by getting high off bath salts, I’m assuming he’s going to eat Booker’s face off. The crowd is counting with him! How cute?! What am I supposed to say – he pushes the bar up and brings it down a bunch. He struggles around the 50 mark, but it’s apparently a new record and we’re supposed to be impressed.

Ryback apparently went on some sort of cleanse diet beforehand because he keeps going on about being fed. He sits down and moves the bar up and down really fast but slows around the 45 point. Mark grabs the bar and lowers it onto Ryback’s throat and chaos! That’s apparently what he does? Bars get thrown and Ryback hacks up a lung, just what all the kids wanna see. He gets up and everyone cheers. Hooray?

Winner: Mark Henry via attempted murder

SAWYER: This had all the excitement of an old man counting… a fat guy lifting a bar… everything. God, does James Franco program this now? Is this post-ironic outsider art?

CRYSTAL: How is what Mark Henry did allowed, yet Bryan gets canned for choking someone out with a tie?

KUE: Because Bryan isn’t over 250 pounds.

PUSS: And didn’t get the privilege of birthing Hand Henry!

This was fucking hilarious. There was dead silence for most of it. Literally all it consisted of was them lifting a bar, like Sawyer says. Were to believe they BOTH set world bench press records… on a wrestling show. THIS was the entire segment. That was the whole thing.

Commercials.

PUSS: YAY! More naked Axe guy! Give him a speedo and we’ll team him up with Tons of Funk to win at WrestleMania!

 

Rock / Cena video package.

SAWYER: Wow, the “you made my wife leave me” is the motivation? Is Mundo gonna overdose on morphine and hohos when Rock loses?

 

Dolph Ziggler & AJ Lee (w/ Big E Langston) .vs. Daniel Bryan & Kaitlyn (w/ Kane)
Recapped by Jonah Kue

PUSS: Kue, I’m sorry you couldn’t recap the awesomeness of @TheMiz and @WadeBarrett but this will suffice. I guess.

KUE: Before this segment aired, there were literally three Axe body spray commercials. Three DIFFERENT ones. Has their stock gotten to Virgin Airline levels?

Ziggler, AJ, and RyBlack are in the ring. Bryan, Kane, and Kaitlyn are making their way down the ramp. Apparently, it’s a mixed tag match? Ziggler and Bryan start off. basic tie up, irish whip, and hip toss action. Kaitlyn tags in, prompting AJ to come in, trying to show off her lack of ass. Heel kick by AJ and a near fall. Two neck breakers in a row by AJ and a near fall. Kaitlyn fires back with a forearm, then tags Bryan. Ziggler comes in and gets knocked around by Bryan. Dropkick to Ziggler in the corner. Bryan tries a top tope hurricanrana, but Dolph reversed it into a near fall. Eventually, AJ gets the tag, and after some shenanigans with Bryan and ZIggler, she gets caught with a spear by Kaitlyn, who gets the pin.

Well, that was inoffensive.

Winner: Team Hugs and Kaitlyn

That actually was pretty good given that it was a mixed tag. Bryan and Ziggler are fun to watch but… the girls… well, let’s ask a girl what she thought.

CRYSTAL: Lame. These chicks suck. 

PUSS: It had one of the greatest divas and one of the greatest tag teams of all times in it! Of course it was great!

KUE: The Shield cut a handy cam promo in the back. They talk about cliches, completely ignoring the ‘wrestling invasion’ cliche being represented here. Not a bad promo by any means. One of the better things going on in WWE nowadays. 

Rollins does a hilarious Shaemus impression. I love it, it reminds me of when Wheeler used to write out his speeches. Superb.

 

Great Khali (w/ Hornswaggle & Natalya) .vs. Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Coulter)
Recapped by PUSS (Positive Universe Superstar Sycophant)

The Great Khali comes out and he is flanked by the lovely daughter of Jim Neidhardt, Natalya, and that little bastard Hornswaggle and we’re going to have to wait through the commercial to see who he’s fighting?!  What kind of evil is this?

JACK SWAGGER!  This may rival the Miz/Barrett confrontation from earlier!  Swagger is out with the visionary Zeb Colter!  They say that Khali should go back home and rightfully he should! WEEEE THE PEOPLE! WEEEE..duh.. uhm… THE PEOPLE! Swagger jumps in the ring and Khali slaps Swagger on his chest in the corner! That’s not fair!  Then Khali does it in another corner!  That’s the People’s Nipple, Khali!  Khali goes for the double arm chokeslam, but Swagger rolls out.  Way to go Swaggah!  Khali comes outside and Swagger pulls his leg down on the rope!  Back in the ring and Swagger charges Khali’s leg in the corner!  He follow Khali outside and locks on the Patriot Lock and both get counted out!  This isn’t fair!  The ref must be racist.  Then they go after Hornswaggle!  #YESYESYES get that little bastard! Then that illegal immigrant Ricardo walks out.  Hey!  Alberto gets clever and jumps Swagger from behind!  That’s a face I can get behind!  One that does everything he can to be a heel!

Winner: Jack Swagger

KUE: Ah, Khali. Sorry guys, I’m racially obligated to root for him. I love how Swagger and Zeb get a face reaction in some places. Speaks a lot for wrestling fans.

SAWYER: Khali reminds me of an indian Tommy Wiseeau from The Room.

SANDERS: I’m more focused on Coulter periodically curling his moustache than this match. And this story is like beating a dead horse with another dead horse. 

KUE: And all these horses are sent to IKEA afterwards, of course.

SANDERS: Naturally. I’m assuming Zeb feels strongly about deporting little people.

CRYSTAL: Why are they still making these fools point to the sign all ominously? 

 

DISRESPECT: A CM Punk / Undertaker Video Package .vs. I Don’t Know, Maybe Having More Than Three Matches In An Hour And A Half. I Got Six Fucking People Recapping With Me And There’s Not Even Six Fucking Matches To Go Around! CB, You Said There Were More Matches On SmackDown Than On RAW But You Lied CB, You Lied, Why Do Lies Keep You Warm At Night You Motherfucking Liar!
Recapped by Chris Sanders

SANDERS: I’ve been commissioned to recap a video package that seems to be a documentary Undertaker struggling through life without his lucky urn. Seems like Punk has found Undertaker’s true weakness: Running.

Winner: I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB 

 

Randy Orton, Shaemus & Big Show Interview .vs. FML
Recapped by Chris Sanders

SANDERS: Renee Young is interviewing Orton, Sheamus and Big Show. They have common enemies so that means everything is all gravy, right? Right. Sheamus and Show bicker a little before Orton goes into Zefron mode because they gotta keep their heads in the game. I find Renee Young oddly attractive…I’m not exactly sure what is so odd about that but INTERVIEW OVER!

CRYSTAL: The voices tell Randy to be the voice of reason. Then he’s like “Now let’s all run a train on this new microphone chick.”

KUE: Runaway train, never coming back…

PUSS: Sheamus and Show don’t like each other!  It’s creative genius to put them together and watch the controversy!

Winner: I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB 

Commercials. New Tom Cruise movie?

SAWYER: Someone tell Tom Cruise he’s 50 and creepy, and to quit.

PUSS: He should totally come out with another Mission Impossible with Big Show as a villain! Or better yet… The MIZ! #AWESOME

 

A match for the main event? Shenanigans!

Randy Orton, Irish John Cena & RyCena .vs. Antonio Cessaro, Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes
Recapped by BD (Fuck.)

PUSS: It’s Blair recapping a Sheamus match!?! This is what Dreams are made of!  THE RHODES SCHOLARS!!! I love these guys!

If you throw Miz in here somehow, then the guys in this match are basically everything I dislike about WWE at the moment – so this should be a great match. I briefly considered calling in a bomb threat to the arena to get out of calling this, but then I remembered that this shit is taped.

The baddies do a lame heel interview on their way out. Cessaro is awesome at least, so why the fuck is he YODELLING now exactly? I thought I fell asleep and was having a strange dream. I don’t know why he’s gotta be all lame with these scrubs now.

PUSS: YES! It’s Antonio Cesaro’s new gimmick! It’s how the Swiss contact their herd! 

Okay, Cessaro and Orton start out. Cessaro could use kneebads that don’t make him look like a goddamn tranny, but okay. Orton knocks him around and tags in Ginger Abortion, and he does the same. Shaemus’ highspot offense was a clothesline.

Cody and Big Show tag in. They do some lame shit, and Cody bails. Commercial.

SAWYER: I feel like the cable company should pay ME for SyFy. Nice Golden Carrol ad – I ate there once. The doctor says my new colon is almost ready. Their slogan should be: Golden Corral: when you dont feel like sitting down without wincing.

Are… you okay?

SAWYER: Yeah. Sorry. Wrestling is so bad now that it’s making me hate things that have nothing to do with it. After SmackDown I now hate Indiana Jones & tacos. After the last RAW I brought my new puppy back to a kill shelter.

This stuff is so much more entertaining than what’s going on in the match. Time check: 7 more minutes – good. Good.

Orton is pounding Damien in the corner. Sound hot? It is. Sandow power Orton into the corner but Randy’s voices tell him to no-sell for a bit. This angers the heels who then manage to beat him down. Cody Rhodes tags in and hits his usual fairy offense, then tags Sandow who hits the new match highspot – kneelift. This gets 2. LAME ELBOW gets another 2.

Orton is VERY SLOWLY powering out of a Sandow sleeperhold (new highspot). Time check: 5 minutes left. Orton gets out before the dawning of the next ice age and hits his admittedly cool backbreaker. Shaemus tags in and hits clotheslines and a knee-lift. He does his retard clubs to Cody and the crowd counts along with him.

PUSS: ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE TEN #Shaemus #SmackDown #WWE

Cody chokes Shaemus over the ropes, and the heels are in control until Big Show comes in and hits the Ham Hock Of Death on one of them. Orton hits an RKO on another, and Cody is the last man standing. They all start blowing each other in the ring before Shaemus powers up for his retard kick.

PUSS: BROGUE BROGUE BROGUE BROGUE!!!

Shaemus with the Brogue Kick for the wine… sorry, win. Wine is what I need after this show.

Winners: Randy Orton, Shaemus & Big Show

PUSS: BYE BYE CODY!!! MATCH OF THE NIGHT!!!

 

The Shield’s music hits, and at this point I want them to kill pretty much the entire roster. These guys are awesome.  Orton, Shaemus and Big Show follow them into the crowd and they brawl on the outside.

SANDERS: Oh great, we’re gonna fight awkwardly up some stairs.

The good guys win. Lame.

Show over.

PUSS: That’s it? It’s over?!  Where’s my boy John Cena? I wanted to hear another speech about WrestleMania where he replaces the word ‘shit’ with WrestleMania!!! That was epic!

 

Next up… ARE YOU READY FOR SOME ROBOT CARNAGE?

Well, we’re not. We’re leaving. Any closing remarks, people?

CRSYAL: NOPE.

KUE: After all those ads, I feel compelled to purchase every flavor of Axe body spray there is. Probably  the same reason I purchased so many pairs of Lugz back in 1999.

SAWYER: I hear for every case of Axe you buy, you get a free bottle of rohypnol.

KUE: Oh, and cheap plug… check out www.JonahKue.com.

SANDERS: And the Classy Ring Attire website, podcast and Twitter – all details can be found on http://classyringattire.tumblr.com, and follow us on Twitter @CRAttire.

 

Anything else for final thoughts, people?

SAWYER: I’m sorry, mom. *BLAM*

SANDERS: I’m a bad bad man in the service of a vengeful God, I too am sorry.

Guys, that’s dark. Lighten it up!

CRYSTAL: Fuck you Douglas, get your robot to lighten shit up. That show was terrible.

SAWYER: Yeah, I… I dunno. I’m sorry. After RAW, I told my son he was adopted. He’s not. Wrestling… wrestling’s changed me. I’m gonna go. I’m gonna go to a monastery. Figure some stuff out.

SANDERS: Is the PUSS robot available after this? For… you know, scientific reasons. 

 

Well, that’s all the time we have for this week. Thank you VERY much to my guests Crystal, Chris Sanders, James Sawyer, Jonah Kue, and a special thanks to Rhett Davis for coming and controlling the PUSS robot. I imagine that would get exhausting. I was NOT looking forward to doing this, but y’all made it fun so thanks for that. Some GREAT one-liners in there, and I’m pretty sure those are more entertaining than anything that happened on this fucking show. If anyone wants to do it up with me again on Monday, you’re more than welcome. I’ll even let someone else take control of PUSS if they want to!

Anyway, any and all comments and thoughts are always appreciated, or you can feel free to e-mail me at bdouglas@insidepulse.com. Also, feel free to follow me on Twitter @BDInsidePulse if you’re into such things.

The 9th out of 10 stops on That Being Said: The WrestleMania Expedition will take place next week, where I will review WWE RAW, the go-home show before ‘Mania. After that, WrestleMania and we’re done!

This has been “That Being Said”. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next week.

I’ll be in my trailer.

 

Disclaimers:

DISCLAIMER #1: These recaps should in NO way be treated as a professional and unbiased play-by-play of whatever the show in question is. Inside Pulse has no shortage of professional and live coverage, so if that’s what you’re looking for, I refer you to Mike Gojira, Scott Keith, Justin Czerwonka, or another of their ilk. Rather than a recap per se, I look at this as an ongoing 3-month narrative from someone who doesn’t normally watch full shows beginning to do exactly that for WrestleMania season. The reason this idea sounds like fun to me is that this time period is usually when many casual or former fans will tune back in anyway. So I know that as I’m tuning back in, many others will be as well.

DISCLAIMER #2: Quite often, when myself or another writer rips on a show (justifiably so or otherwise), they will get their fair share of people believing or commenting that they believe the recapper thinks that wrestling now is worse than it’s ever been. Usually it’s something like “WHAT, SO THE ATTITUDE ERA WAS SO GREAT?!?! THOSE MATCHES SUCKED TOO!” or something like that, even when you haven’t mentioned the Attitude Era at all. In fact, that’s a popular opinion out there right now in general – that wrestling is worse now than it’s ever been. Me personally, just for the record – I definitely think 2007-2009 and 2003-2004 definitely hold up worse than the current product. Not MUCH worse, mind you – and I do believe that current shows are pretty lame. But if I’m being honest, it’s not as bad as it’s ever been, much as it may feel that way sometimes.

DISCLAIMER #3: In the spirit of Disclaimer #2… I am going to do my best to go into these shows with an uncynical and unjaded eye. I’m hoping to like what I see – there is some stuff going on that COULD be promising depending on where they go with it and who they decide to feature prominently. But I promise nothing in terms of what’s going to come out of me if I don’t like the shows. Anyone who read any of my TNA recaps or the odd WWE recap that I did knows that I have very little tolerance for stupid or boring stuff. If, an hour into a 3-hour RAW, they decide to give me Shaemus against Cody Rhodes for 20 minutes while Michael Cole tells me they’re the future of the business and that I still have Ryback against Wade Barrett to look forward to in the second hour, then I’m going to feel like putting my fucking dick through a bone decalcinator, which means that me feeling like putting my fucking dick through a bone decalcinator is something you’re probably going to hear about.

DISCLAIMER #4: The obvious one – the opinions and views I express are my own, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Inside Pulse or it’s owners, staff, or numerous writers.

DISCLAIMER #5: Regardless of how it all turns out, weather I find the shows good, boring or bad, if nothing else, I’m going to try my best to to have fun with these recaps over this 3-month period. I’m a guy who can usually have fun with a recap even when watching a show I don’t enjoy. For me, that’s the point of this experiment – or of anything else I may write for Inside Pulse – to have fun. Worst case scenario, I lose all patience and have a rage blackout like I’ve done on on the odd recap before, and sometimes even that can be entertaining. Regardless, the point is – this is for fun – and I hope you have as much fun reading this season as I’m hoping to have writing it.

 

“That Being Said” WrestleMania Tour Schedule:

PREMIERE – Jan 14: WWE RAW (20th Anniversary)
Jan 23: WWE Main Event
Jan 27: WWE Royal Rumble

Feb 01: WWE SmackDown
Feb 14: WWE NXT
Feb 17: WWE Elimination Chamber

Mar 07: TNA Impact CANCELLED
Mar 10: TNA LockDown CANCELLED
Mar 14: TNA Impact CANCELLED

Mar 18: WWE RAW
Mar 29: WWE SmackDown
Apr 01: WWE RAW
FINALE – APR 07: WrestleMania

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