The SmarK RAW Rant – 04.01.13
Live from Washington, DC.
Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL & Jerry Lawler.
John Cena starts us out, and he’s said all he wants to say about the Rock and won’t make dick jokes about him. The Rock is the greatest WWE champion of all time, but he will beat him because his time is now. And then Rock will have to live with seeing his personally crafted WWE title belt defended by Cena. And then the crowd starts a BORING chant! Ha! Pretty good try by Cena, though.
3MB v. Three Dudes With Attitudes
I have to say, if Show and Orton turned on Sheamus at Wrestlemania, that would be pretty epic. Cena’s gonna need a new top heel faction to defend against and I can see them going back to Orton v. Cena again by Summerslam, sadly. Sheamus beats on Slater and hits Drew with a powerslam, but turns his back and gets dropkicked. Sheamus takes a cursory beating in the corner and then makes the hot tag to Big Show, who quickly dominates all three geeks and finishes Jinder with the punch at 3:03. This brings out the Shield for their go-home promo.
Meanwhile, Uncle Zeb and Swagger do their promo from the parking lot, and Alberto Del Rio responds backstage.
Daniel Bryan v. Dolph Ziggler
Bryan throws kicks in the corner and gets a clothesline, but Ziggler escapes the No-Lock. Bryan tries a surfboard, but Ziggler gets a neckbreaker and dropkicks him for two. Bryan wraps Zig up in the ropes, but gets distracted by Big E and falls victim to a fameasser that gets two. And we take a break. Back with Dolph holding the headstand headlock, but Bryan comes back with more kicks and goes up. Flying headbutt misses and Dolph grabs a sleeper, but Bryan reverses. They fight over the No-Lock while Big E lays out Kane outside, and Dolph gets the cheap rollup for the pin at 11:48. And then Big E lays out both tag champs with whatever his move is called. This was good, but not on the level of their classic a couple of weeks back. **1/2
Shawn Michaels returns because we apparently have to buy the Brock-HHH match as important no matter who has to be sacrificed to the gods in order to pull it off. HHH thinks he’s got things under control, but Shawn is still concerned because HHH takes THIS BUSINESS so seriously and might kill himself trying to save his career. And he’ll be in HHH’s corner. But before they can do the catchphrase, Brock interrupts, and Heyman brings the goods again (“You’re gonna disappoint your wife on Sunday, but I guess she’s used to that by now.”). This was fine.
Wade Barrett v. Zack Ryder
Barrett calmly beats on Zack for a while, but Zack comes back with the broski boot for two. Barrett finishes with the elbow at 3:48. Total squash.
Meanwhile, Santino plays a hilarious April Fools joke on Vickie and her assistant. And as a result…
Mark Henry v. Santino Marella
Yup, another squash. Big slam at 0:50. Ryback comes out for some verbal sparring, and uses poor Santino as a weapon so they don’t have to touch.
Meanwhile, CM Punk continues beating the “Paul Bearer is dead” drum.
Alberto Del Rio v. Uncle Zeb
Yeah, like this will happen. And in fact Zeb gets Ricardo’s crutch for a DQ at 0:48 before the match even starts. I’m also disappointed that history-obsessed JBL didn’t mention his former association with Zeb. Ricardo gets anklelocked again and Del Rio takes a beatdown, so obviously he’s retaining on Sunday.
So we’re two hours in with a grand total of one competitive match for the entire show thus far.
The Rock comes out for his rebuttal to Cena, and he’s thinking of running for President after retaining the title on Sunday. And that’s about it.
Antonio Cesaro v. Chris Jericho
Cesaro works a headlock to start and shoulderblocks him for two, but Jericho comes back with chops, and a suplex for two. Cesaro wraps him up with a sleeper, but Jericho fights out and they fight on the top rope. Jericho with a rana from the top for two, and that brings Fandango out. And we take a break. Back with Fandango hitting a sunset flip for two, but Cesaro double-stomps him for two. Butterfly suplex gets two. Jericho comes back and tries a corner splash, but misses and hits the floor instead. Back in, Cesaro gets two and goes to the neck vice. Michinoku Driver gets two, and a YODELLING ELBOW in the corner gets two. Yeah, that’ll get him to the next level. Yodelling. Jericho comes back with a double axehandle off the top, which Fandango only scores a “4″. Lionsault earns a “3″, but Cesaro gets a gutwrench for two. Jericho to the top again with a flying bodypress, and that gets two. He finally dropkicks Fandango to get rid of him, but Cesaro cradles for two. Jericho with the Walls to finish at 13:07, and Fandango attacks right away. **1/2 Fandango’s actually getting some heat now thanks to Jericho. Just goes to show that even a goofy shampoo commercial feud like this one can work if people care about the outcome.
Naomi & Cameron v. The Bella Twins
Naomi gets beat up for a while, hot tag Cameron, everyone has a wacky brawl, a Bella pins Cameron at 4:44. ½* BUILDING MOMENTUM, BUILDING MOMENTUM, we get it, Michael.
Main Event Interview: The Undertaker has some bad things to say about CM Punk, presumably. And then there’s druids and Punk throwing ashes in Undertaker’s face and like, really, I’m not offended by the angle, I’m offended that they have a billion writers on staff and THIS is the best they can come up with as an issue between them. The laziest of lazy heel cheap heat, literally using the ashes of Undertaker’s dead surrogate father to sell a sleazy feud.
Apparently #wweisboring was trending on Twitter during this show, which they sadly failed to hype on the show itself. They basically peaked all the angles a week ago and had nothing for anyone to add here, and it shows. The hashtag speaks the truth this week.
No Wrestlemania for me, I’m not dropping $70 and I’m working anyway, but I’ll probably check out the cheapie TNA PPV on Friday if Sasktel is carrying it. I still think Wrestlemania is breaking the record this year with 1.3 million buys, but that’s just because business is hot right now at house shows and it’s a loaded card. I personally have no interest in it, which is kind of sad.
Tags: Brock Lesnar, cm punk, HHH, john cena, Raw, SmarK Rants, The Rock, undertaker, wrestlemania