The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 04.05.13
Still debating getting the X Division PPV tomorrow night since I’m home and it’s only $15 anyway.
Taped from Jonesboro, AK
Your hosts are Mike Tenay, Todd Keneley & Taz
Aces & Eights join us to start, with Anderson looking more like a homeless meth addict every week, and they’re offering a spot to AJ Styles because of how TNA treated him. D-Lo, for his part, has been FIRED by TNA, via a letter, and he’s pretty upset about it. I guess that shows Bischoff is running things again. Kurt Angle comes out to answer his grievances, and a giant brawl erupts between the Aces and 5 babyfaces. Man, HR would be PISSED if they knew that was how D-Lo’s labor complaint was being handled.
Meanwhile, Joey Ryan volunteers to be the new Knockouts referee, which is pretty awesome and keeps him out of the ring.
Velvet Sky & Taryn Terrell v. Gail Kim & Tara
Joey breaks up a headlock by massaging Velvet’s shoulders, and then ignores three of Taryn’s pinning attempts on Tara in order to appreciate the view. The faces drop a Paisan elbow, but Joey decides to check out Sky’s ass instead of counting. And the problem is…? Gail comes in with a gutbuster on Sky and Joey is an equal opportunity lecher and won’t count her pin either. Tara pounds on Velvet in the corner and Joey gets involved again, causing Tara to miss the standing moonsault because she’s creeped out. Hot tag Taryn and she goes up with a cross body and it’s BONZO GONZO. Joey doesn’t seem particularly concerned about the breakdown of law and order. Gail stops to flirt with him, and Taryn gets a rollup while Joey is oiling his chest, and that gives Gail enough time to reverse for the fast pin at 5:25. As match it was nothing, but I laughed a LOT. ½*
Contract signing: Aries & Roode are here to sign the deal for next week against Hernandez & Chavo, but Aries wants to make it more interesting with the additions of a fruit basket and green M&Ms. The Mexicools counter with a 2/3 falls stipulation, and the champs want the challengers to put their team on the line if they lose. God I hope that means it’s the end of the line for Chavo’s team.
Gut Check Challenge: Adam Pearce v. Magno
With Pearce here now, I’m surprised they don’t get Colt Cabana too. They do some work on the mat ad Pearce misses a charge, but recovers with a backdrop for two. Magno blows the timing on a leapfrog in the corner, and then nearly breaks his neck Hayabusa-style trying a springboard moonsault. CALM DOWN, DUDE. Pearce puts him down with a backbreaker, but Magno comes back with clotheslines and puts Pearce on the floor. He follows with a moonsault press, and again they were way off with that one. Back in, Pearce takes him down and pins him with the ropes at 4:10. This was not particularly impressive for either guy. *1/2
Meanwhile, the seduction of AJ continues. This leads to Hulk Hogan coming out to call AJ out, because he needs WARRIORS and apparently that’s AJ. Hulk can sympathize with AJ’s personal troubles, brother, and he recaps the AJ storyline for us. That’s how they used to do it before video packages, for you whippersnappers out there. AJ is still cranky at Hulk, so James Storm joins us with some words of wisdom, trying to keep AJ from joining the Aces. AJ has nothing to say, as usual.
Sonjay Dutt v. Mason Andrews v. Petey Williams
So the winner of this gets into the next X title match as the third guy. They all trade rollups to start and Williams clears the rig, then hits a dive onto Andrews. Dutt tries to hit them both with a dive and the guys casually move and let him splat on the floor in a funny spot. Back in, Mason gets a backbreaker on Petey and drops an elbow off the middle rope for two. Sonjay comes back in and gets dumped again, but comes back with a springboard dropkick on both guys. Guillotine legdrop on Andrews and a springboard splash gets two. Petey gets a legsweep into a crucifix for two, but Sonjay counters out of the Destroyer. To the top, where Andrews brings Petey down with a rana, but Sonjay DDTs him before missing the moonstomp. Petey dumps Sonjay and finishes Andrews with THE CANADIAN DESTROYER at 5:20. I’m really not a fan of this three-way format, but there was good spot monkey action here. **1/2
Joseph Park, Kurt Angle, Samoa Joe, Magnus & Eric Young v. Doc, Knux, Garrett Bischoff, Wes Brisco & Devon
Angle pounds on Brisco to start and suplexes him for two, then beats on Bischoff as well. Over to Magnus, who hits Bischoff with a nice suplex, and Joe comes in for the double-teams. Those two are just so good together. Why can’t those crazy kids just work things out? Devon comes in and Joe works out some issues on him and gets the senton for two. Knux gets nowhere until a cheapshot on Young turns the tide, but EY tosses him and follows with a dive. And we take a break. Back with Young taking a beating before coming back with a jawbreaker on Doc. Sadly, the babyfaces all get knocked off the apron and Young is unable to tag. Enzuigiri from Young, and the only one left is JOSEPH PARK, and that’s your hot tag. He’s a COURTROOM OF FIRE and the mannerisms are just brilliant as he gets to run wild in a tag match for the “first” time. Things are breaking loose in Tulsa with everyone hitting the floor via Joe’s anger, leaving Devon and Park. Joseph eats a spinebuster and Devon goes up, but Joseph moves and the crowd is eating this up. Jospeh is running wild again, but Doc hits him in the nuts and pins him at 14:25. And the Aces win again! ***
Meanwhile, Brooke and Hulk have a heart-to-heart and Hulk recommends added security for her MAIN EVENT MEETING with Bully. No more drama, they promise. Have these people never watched pro wrestling before?
Bully Ray confronts Brooke Hogan, wanting to know where her wedding ring is, and he’s got papers to serve. Not DIVORCE papers, because she’s the wind beneath his wings and he loves her. Bully’s delivery here is just killer. So instead, he gives her a front row ticket to next week’s show so she can watch him beat Jeff Hardy again. Brooke is so offended by this that she slaps him, and Bully is just awesome selling his delight at her mental breakdown, but Jeff Hardy breaks up the marital action for a brawl to end the show.
TNA managed to put together a go-home show for next week’s free TV show that was 100x more effective at making me want to watch than WWE did for their go-home show for WRESTLEMANIA. Yeah, they’re probably gonna rip off McMahon-Helmsley next week, but it’s been 13 years so it’s fair game anyway and you might as well steal from the best.
Joseph Park and Bully Ray need to have a showdown for that title built up over three months and it needs to be on PPV. Great idea or the best idea ever? Discuss.
Tags: Aces & Eights, Adam Pearce, Brooke Hogan, Bully Ray, Gut Check, impact, Joseph Park, SmarK Rants, TNA