The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 04.11.13

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 04.11.13

Live from Corpus Christi, TX

Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Mike Tenay & Taz

Another new intro, featuring a roll call of the top stars.  Kind of reminds me of Nitro.  That’s probably the point.

TNA World tag titles:  Austin Aries & Bobby Roode v. Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez

The champs attack on the outside and Roode hits Chavo with a spinebuster at 0:30 for the first fall.  Aries comes in for the second fall with a frog splash and misses, allowing Chavo to roll him up for the pin at 1:29 and even it up.  Oh come on, why even do the 2/3 falls stip then?  Chavo takes a beating and comes back with a tornado DDT on Roode, and it’s hot tag Hernandez.  He overpowers the champs and hits them with Air Mexico from the ramp into the ring, and we take a break.  Back with Roode and Aries double-teaming Hernandez, but he comes back with a clothesline on both guys and it’s back to Chavo again.  Slingshot senton and he hits Roode with the three amigos, but Aries shoves him off the top and Roode rolls him up for two.  Roode with the crossface and it’s BONZO GONZO, but Hernandez hits Chavo by mistake and Roode gets two.  Chavo DDTs Roode to counter a spinebuster and gets two, but Aries puts him on top and tries a superplex.  Hernandez brings him down and Chavo finishes with a frog splash to win the tag titles back at 15:08.  REALLY?  Why can’t they just let go of this team and find something new for them to do?  It’s fine in theory to put them over in Texas, but Chavo is a lot more over in Dixie’s mind than in reality.  ***1/4

Meanwhile, Joey Ryan pitches his reffing services to Brooke again.  So we get some ACTING from Brooke.

Joseph Park is out to accuse the Aces of being FELONIOUS, and it stops now.  Also, he’s well-versed in marital law and has drawn up an annulment for Bully’s marriage.  Them’s fighting words!  Devon comes out and warns him to back off, then beats on him with a chain anyway.

Gail Kim v. Taryn Terrell

ODB is the referee this week.  Terrell misses a charge and Gail stomps her down, and drops her with a faceplant.  Rollup gets two, but Taryn reverses for the pin at 2:24.  Nothing match to blow off the feud.  ½*

Meanwhile, Brother Love eliminates Adam Pearce before the Gut Check.  I’m sure this will pay off later.  Probably in two months ala Joey Ryan.

Hulk Hogan brings out AJ Styles for an ultimatum, brother, but James Storm quickly interrupts.  He wants a fight, but Bad Influence also interrupts to be the voice of reason.  I’d kinda love Daniels’ “I’m a John Byrne guy” shirt.  Daniels and Kaz get wacky and try to recruit AJ for their own team instead of TNA or the Aces, because at least he knows where he stands with them.  AJ skulks off again, so Hogan books him against Storm NEXT WEEK.  This storyline still isn’t doing anything for me and I don’t get what joining with Daniels & Kazarian would get AJ.

Rob Terry v. Joey Ryan

Terry tosses Ryan around while Todd notes that “the sleazemeter is on empty”.  Yeah, keep trying.  Corner clothesline and powerslam set up the spinebuster to finish at 2:28.  DUD

Meanwhile, Matt Morgan keeps tormenting Hogan.  Geez, dude, it’s been months, give it up already.  And wasn’t Hogan secretly trying to turn him into a big star or something at one point?  Does Morgan even wrestle anymore?

Gut Check:  Magno faces the judges, and he gets bounced before we even get to Al Snow’s jacket.  No big loss there.

Next week:   Tessmacher v. Mickie James for the #1 contendership!  Kurt Angle v. Brischoff in a handicap match!  AJ Styles v. James Storm!

TNA World title:  Bully Ray v. Jeff Hardy

Jeff storms out with a Twist of Fate and starts beating on Bully with a chair, then whips him into a ladder and poor Bully takes a pair of slapstick bumps on the way down.  Hardy climbs and gets shoved down, and Bully backdrops him onto the ramp as Jeff takes about as perfectly safe a bump as you can.  That’s an observation, not a criticism.  They fight on the ladder and Bully suplexes him off and we take a break.  Back with Hardy setting up a ladder upside-down, but irony strikes again as Bully suplexes him onto the metal supports instead.  That was a lot of effort for a spot that didn’t look very painful.  Clearly it would be, but on a visual level it was weak.  Bully, classic heel, lays out the order of events for Brooke at ringside:  “First I get the ladder, then I get the belt, then you raise my hand, then I slap you in the face.”  The delivery sells it, obviously.  Hardy comes back and Bully bails for support from Brooke, but Hardy charges out after him and splats into the railing.  Bully, ever the cunning linguist, gets personal with Brooke:  “Get lost, STUPID.”  Oh TAG.  Hardy interrupts the marital discourse by running Bully into the stairs and retrieving a table and hitting Bully with another Twist to put him on the table.  Swanton puts Bully through the table and he appears to be beaten.  Hardy climbs and Bully gets a hammer from Taz, allowing Bully to send Jeff crashing through a table and retrieve the belt at 17:30.  Surprisingly there was no big swerve finish here.   ****  Jeff Hardy is as always a crazy person.

The Pulse

Good start and finish bookending a lot of nothing in the middle.  Obviously RAW was the better show this week, but then RAW was such an epic trainwreck that it probably ranks with the greatest episodes of wrestling TV in history, so that’s not even a fair comparison.  As usual, Impact flew by and we got some good wrestling on free TV, and that ain’t not bad.

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