Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 4.12.13 (Ziggler vs Jericho)

After a couple of weeks of being burnt out on Smackdown, I’m back once again and hopeful that our new World Heavyweight Champion can liven things up around here. Let’s get started, shall we?

1. Dolph Ziggler Addresses the WWE Universe
Big E Langston comes out, mocking Ricardo Rodriguez as he introduces Ziggler to the audience. The ONE thing that will annoy me about this is the company will STILL address Ziggler as a two-time champion, despite his previous reign handed to him for approximately 3 minutes. Dolph does the ol’ bait-and-switch by thanking the audience before saying he won the title in spite of them. Before he can continue, Jack Swagger interrupts to claim that he’s responsible for the successful cash-in. Captain DUI backs down when he realizes that he’s outnumbered and Zeb Colter warns Dolph that Swagger is owed a title shot soon. Alberto del Rio is next to interrupt and say he’s not mad because he won his first title the same way. When he’s healed up, he’ll get his rematch. The constant interruptions bug the hell out of Ziggler and he says that the next person to interrupt him will feel his wrath.

So here comes Chris Jericho.

Y2J starts an “AJ’s crazy” chant and says his Jerichoholics and Ziggler’s “Dolphins” both want the same thing: a match tonight between the two. You know what, I’d rock a Dolphin T-shirt. That wasn’t too bad for an opening segment, but it was slightly hindered by Ziggler’s apparent strained vocal cords.

2. Team Hell No vs The Primetime Players
In a two-minute squash match, Daniel Bryan makes Pancake Patterson tap out to the No Lock. The Shield pops up on the ‘Tron to tell the Tag Team Champions that they’re coming for Bryan and Kane soon enough. I mean, we all knew that was coming, but couldn’t we get a decent match out of this segment first?

3. Wade Barrett vs Santino Marella
Based on crowd reactions this past week, it looks like Santino —-> Barrett —-> Miz is the hierarchy in the midcard these days. Santino plays this match for laughs while Barrett gets his heel heat back so the WWE can remind everyone that we’re supposed to boo Wade. How dare you cheer him, New Jersey! After several failed attempts to kip up, Santino finally does it, hits a flurry of offense, but loses as expected.

4. Wrestlemania Weekend Video Package/Sheamus and Randy Orton Confront Booker T

Some cool footage from Axxess is shown before we get a backstage moment between Orton, Sheamus, Booker T, and Teddy Long. Sheamus and Orton complain about the debacle that took place on Monday night and Teddy says that everyone makes mistakes, but that they shouldn’t get on his case about it. Booker makes a handicap match tonight wherein Orton and Sheamus will face Big Show. After they leave, Booker stares a hole through Long. Dissension?

5. Kaitlyn and the Funkadactyls vs Tamina and the Bella Twins
The announcers pretend to not know which Bella Witch is which, despite obviously being able to use the WWE App to search for “Before and After” pictures. Cameron loses and this one’s over in less time than it takes to say “Kaitlyn’s bewbs.”

6. Triple H Wants to Talk
Before The Game can say much of anything, 3MB interrupt him and say that they’re going to make a name for themselves by beating up the big dogs. As they surround the ring, The Shield head down through the crowd as the announcers tease that it’s now 6-on-1. That’s okay; Triple H has beaten way worse odds. Of course, The Shield don’t take too kindly to 3MB stealing their gimmick and make short work of them before turning their attention to Triple H. Team Hell No makes the save just as they did on Monday night and The Shield scatters.

7. Big Show vs Randy Orton and Sheamus
Show man-handles them in the beginning but the two former champions rally back, nailing an RKO and Brogue Kick that sends Big Show out of the ring, granting the duo a count out victory. And the yawning continues. After we return from commercial break, Mark Henry obliterates Sheamus backstage. ‘CAUSE THAT’S WHAT HE DO!!!

8. Kofi Kingston vs Antonio Cesaro
This obnoxious yodeling that Cesaro’s started to do is neither heat-worthy nor endearing; it’s just annoying. Aside from an awesome European uppercut, this was a “meh” match. Kofi wins with Trouble in Paradise but I doubt he’ll be getting a new title out of this when it’s all said and done.

9. Dolph Ziggler vs Chris Jericho
Fandango heads to the commentary table to the most bizarre reaction I’ve seen on TV in a long time. No cheers, no boos; just the crowd singing his music. No doubt Vince McMahon is touting this as a genius move on his part; 20 bucks says he really thought the gimmick would get over but not because of the theme song. It’s essentially a 4-on-1 as Fandango works with Ziggler’s posse to screw with Jericho. There’s a great exchange between the commentators as JBL chastises Ziggler for his headstand/side headlock showboating and Josh Mathews tries to claim it adds leverage to the hold. Mathews says that JBL is extremely opinionated, to which Bradshaw replies, “I’m a color commentator. That’s my job.” The numbers game is too much for Jericho and another Fandango interference costs Y2J the match. He tries to fight everyone off but eats a ZigZag, the Big End, AND a top rope leg drop one after the other. And that’s how you write Y2J off of TV for a few weeks.

This was a decent show, with nothing really spectacular to report.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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