Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 5.3.13 (Kane vs Dean Ambrose)

It’s been a boring week as far as wrestling’s concerned, but hopefully The Shield can once again make things interesting like they did last week. Let’s get right into the swing of things!

1. Ryback vs Daniel Bryan
Well whaddaya know? This could be good, as I’ve heard that this match is supposedly Ryback’s best one to date. Of course that’s not saying much, given that this is Ryback we’re talking about. However, I’m sure Daniel Bryan can make this a thousand times better than it has any right to be. Ryback gets on the mic and says that since John Cena’s injured, his title reign will soon be cut short. Bryan does an awesome job against the powerhouse, putting up much more of a fight than I expected. I assume this is a test of Ryback’s endurance to see if he can hold his own in longer-than-3-minute matches. Bryan spends the majority of the match punishing Ryback, countering a good amount of power moves and nailing more than a few high flying assaults. The end comes when Ryback rams Bryan’s back into the steel post and hits a couple of nasty power bombs before Shellshocked puts Bryan away. Kudos to Bryan for a hell of an effort.

2. Raw Rebound #1: Alberto del Rio Chooses a Ladder Match for Extreme Rules
That Triple Threat match on Raw was such an odd assemblage that I thought for sure I must have missed the announcement last week on Smackdown; it’s the kind of bizarre match-up the WWE loves to promote. I wonder just what a “lather match” (del Rio’s words, not mine) entails……

3. Fandango vs Zack Ryder

JBL: When’s the last time you Fandango-ed, Cole?

Michael Cole: It was in the shower.

The implications of that are frightening, to say the least. Ryder’s been much more aggressive the last couple of weeks. He still has the Broski mannerisms but his focus has been less on character and more on ring work, which is a plus. Fandango wins with the top rope leg drop/career shortener.

4. Great Khali Gives Kaitlyn Love Advice
What. The. Fuck. If you can find this little segment online, I suggest you watch it. It’s surreal listening to Khali mangle the English language; he reminds me of one of those Youtube videos of pet owners who claim their cat can speak.

5. Raw Rebound #2: John Cena and The Make-A-Wish Kids
I already said my piece about this on Thursday. I still think it’s a classy move, cheap pop for Cena or not.

6. Zeb Colter w/ Jack Swagger vs Ricardo Rodriguez w/ Alberto del Rio
Colter actually says that since Ricardo Rodriguez stole the victory last Monday and is guilty of theft, he should go to the police. Imagine how THAT would go down. Hey, look at that! Dolph Ziggler, World Heavyweight Champion, is ACTUALLY on Smackdown (on commentary). And he got off a good one-liner comparing Zeb Colter’s attire to that of Dr. Robotnik. Swagger attacks Rodriguez, drawing the DQ, and Teddy Long comes out to….wait for it….make this a tag team match!

7. Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter vs Alberto del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez
And this match lasts even LESS than the previous one as Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston attack everybody. Guess who shows up to fix things?

8. Alberto del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez vs Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter vs Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston
You know, this shit gets tiring after a while. Now we’ve got a Triple Threat tag team match….which should have been made immediately after Colter vs Rodriguez. Chaos ensues and del Rio manages to clear the ring of everyone but Colter. Alberto goes in for the kill but Ziggler interrupts. In less time than it took to type this sentence, del Rio locks in the Cross Arm Breaker and the champ taps out! I’m sorry, but this was a bad call. I realize the goal is to make all three men look like viable contenders, but Ziggler needs the boost a hell of a lot more than Swagger or del Rio.

9. The Shield Speaks
The Shield assaults Daniel Bryan backstage and then deliver a message to Kane via shaky cam. Standard Shield promo.

10. Randy Orton vs Damien Sandow
Basically an extended squash with a bit of continuity, as Orton faced Sandow’s partner Cody Rhodes on Monday. Orton wins and Big Show interrupts the celebration to call Orton an egomaniac, which distracts the Viper long enough for Sandow to hit Randy with Terminus.

11. Arm Wrestling Challenge: Sheamus vs Mark Henry

Henry stalls as a heel is wont to do in these situations, but wins clean. Sheamus goads Mark into a rematch with the LEFT ARM this time and suckers in Henry for a cheap shot and a Brogue Kick. Anti-bullying, my arse.

12. Kane vs Dean Ambrose
Roman Reigns notably heads to the ring with his teammates holding Daniel Bryan’s half of the Tag Team Championship in tow. Kane returns the favor and uses his own title belt to clear out the numbers game, then turns his attention to the destruction of Ambrose. When we return from break, we get footage from the WWE App showing what happened during the commercial break….BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THE APP IF YOU’LL SEE THE FOOTAGE ANYWAY?! Ambrose is back in control and wraps up Kane’s legs against the turnbuckle post but it’s not enough as the Big Red Machine fights back. Kane nails a Choke Slam and calls for the Tombstone but gets distracted by Seth Rollins and Reigns, taking them out at ringside. When he gets back in the ring, Ambrose hits some weird face plant (can’t really describe it, but it looked terrible) and wins it for The Shield. After the match, Kane eggs them on and they tear him apart. They go for the Triple Power Bomb but Kane escapes! He tries a double choke slam but gets a Spear for his trouble and the power bomb happens anyway. The Shield stands over Kane, holding the Tag Team Championship symbolically as the show comes to a close.

A very “meh” card with nothing that really stood out, with the exception of The Shield (obviously) and the bizarre over-booking of the tag team match midway through the show.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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