The SmarK RAW Rant – 05.06.13
So RAW is now fully live in Canada for the first time in forever, should I ever want to actually watch it live instead of DVR’d. This seems unlikely to ever happen, but it’s nice to have the option should I ever want to Tout or Tweet anything.
As a reminder, my Kindle book Scott’s Blog of Doom Presents: The Worst of Wrestling is FREE this week on Amazon as a special promo.
Live from Washington, DC, I think, because they never mentioned it directly.
Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL and Jerry Lawler
John Cena is out to answer questions, in the style of Daniel Bryan. This is retarded, but speaking of answering questions, anyone with an Observer subscription should check out the THREE HOUR podcast with Dave Meltzer and Mike Sempervive, where Dave basically answers every question in his inbox and it’s like the BEST THING EVER. So anyway, Vickie interrupts Cena’s idiotic promo and brings out Ryback, who Cena then mocks to make this feud even lamer. You know, making out the challenger to be a whiner and coward and then beating him means you beat a whiner and a coward. Ryback gets to pick the stipulation for the PPV, and he points out that Cena’s metaphorical Achilles heel is his LITERAL Achilles heel. That’s deep. Ryback chooses a Last Man Standing match. Further irony since Cena has trouble standing, I guess. Can’t wait to see this Last Man Standing match, the first since we already beat it into the ground with Del Rio and Show. NO BUYS.
Meanwhile, on Twitter, apparently Brock Lesnar invaded WWE offices earlier today.
Damien Sandow v. Randy Orton
Sandow chooses to serenade Orton with a song pointing out his lameness for some reason, and this results in a beating. Sandow manages to drive Orton into the railing, but walks into the neckbreaker back in the ring. Orton stomps away and hits a suplex as we get the world’s fakest tweets with people hyping the Brock thing. Like really, what non-sponsored human being makes sure to talk specifically about “WWE HQ” and ends with “Find out tonight!” And we take a break. Back with Sandow hitting the ELBOW OF DISDAIN and going to the chinlock, but Orton comes back with the usual. Sandow goes up and lands on a dropkick, and Orton gets the draping DDT. RKO finishes clean at 9:45. This was fine, although Orton continues to be completely directionless and doesn’t even have a match on the PPV officially announced yet. **1/2 Big Show comes out and punches Orton out at the entranceway.
Fandango v. R-Truth
Chris Jericho leads a panel of judges consisting of himself, Tensai and Brodus, giving scores on whatever they feel like mocking. Fandango attacks and beats Truth down, but Truth comes back with the dropkick and front suplex. Fandango bails and Truth has a dance break, which somehow earns a 10 from the judges. They’re worse than MMA judges. Fandango walks out at 1:30. That was a waste. ½*
Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan wants a rematch with Ryback, but Kane stands up for his little buddy.
Dolph Ziggler v. Alberto Del Rio
The crowd doggedly cheers for Ziggler even though WWE has been telling us for months now that Del Rio is the babyface. Del Rio works the arm for a bit, but Dolph dropkicks him and stomps away in the corner. Corner splash gets two. The director randomly cuts to AJ a couple of times, as there’s been all kinds of weird cutaway shots, like it was 1992 or something. ADR comes back with kicks in the corner, but Ziggler suplexes him for two. Del Rio gets the forearms in the corner as they try to find stuff for the crowd to count along with, but now Swagger comes out with full entrance music as the match grinds to a halt while everyone waits for them. Apparently Zeb is doing commentary. Who comes out halfway through the match? What if it had ended 2:00 in or something? Back with Del Rio getting a sunset flip for two, but Ziggler puts him down with a dropkick for two. Ziggler drops elbows, but Del Rio faceplants him for two. Ziggler to the top and Del Rio turns it into a reverse superplex, but Ziggler puts him down with a neckbreaker. Del Rio comes back with clotheslines and the backbreaker and a superkick for two. Nice reversal sequence leads to the armbreaker, but Big E runs in for the DQ at 16:50. Really good match, shit finish. ***1/2 Swagger destroys both guys with some scary ladder shots afterwards, which is actually an EFFECTIVE way to get someone over as a heel, as opposed to vague politically themed YouTube videos.
Meanwhile, Kaitlyn’s secret admirer sends her a Simpsons reference to win her heart, and Nattie sends Khali undercover to find out more information.
The Shield v. The Usos & Kofi Kingston
Oh Kofi, you’ve fallen to the level of Sivi Afi now, the third guy teaming with the Islanders in TV six-man jobs. I really don’t like the Shield wrestling on TV every week like this, because it’s just going to kill the special aura. The Usos start strong but Jey quickly gets beat up by Reigns in the heel corner, and Rollins and Ambrose hit a pair of dropkicks for two. Rollins with the chinlock and they take turns beating on Jey in the corner, but it’s hot tag Kofi. He gets a crossbody on Ambrose for two, but goes up again and gets caught by Ambrose. The bulldog driver finishes at 6:50. This was kind of a slog, but that’s a KILLER finisher. ** Now you’d think Ambrose would want a US title shot based on….BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, sorry, couldn’t even finish typing that sentence with a straight face.
Antonio Cesaro v. Zack Ryder
Well this should hopefully end the losing streak. Apparently he’s still feuding with Kofi, even though Kofi got crushed by the Shield and was basically used as a job guy. Speaking of job guys, Cesaro quickly double-stomps Zack and hits the gutwrench, then hits a suplex as some poor idiot tries to start a Ryder chant. I’m sure they’ll probably bury Ryder even more for that. Cesaro cuts off the comeback with SWISS DEATH and finishes with the Neutralizer at 2:00. Total squash.
Meanwhile, in Stamford, Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar show up at Titan Towers after what feels like 5 hours of hype for this. THEY DON’T EVEN WORK THERE! Oh, wait, they do. Or are wrestlers not allowed to be there? I’m confused. So yeah, Brock goes to HHH’s office, and it says “Paul Levesque” so you know it’s a shoot, except it also says “Chief Operating Officer”, so it’s not. I’m confused. So as promised, Brock smashes up the office with HHH’s own sledgehammer. Wow, that really speaks to me as a person with a million dollar office and a cushy executive position at a billion dollar company. They’ve really got their finger on the pulse of America here. So after Heyman shows the footage, HHH comes out to the ring and totally no-sells the whole thing. Rightly so.
AJ Lee & The Bella Twins v. Kaitlyn & The Funkadactyls
AJ with a neckbreaker on Cameron as the crowd is just dead silent and getting deader. Cameron quickly makes the comeback and tag Kaitlyn, but the Bellas won’t tag in, allowing Kaitlyn to finish with the spear at 2:45. I don’t get it. DUD
Mark Henry is out to CUT A PROMO. Lord help us. Henry shouldn’t be talking, he should be hitting dudes with his fist and quipping about this is what he does and WIG SPLITTING and such. So anyway, he’s challenging Sheamus for the PPV because, like, duh, but before Sheamus can come out and give his answer, he’s interrupted by Wade Barrett for a pesky wrestling match.
Sheamus v. Wade Barrett
Yeah, Wade is still the IC champion, why do you ask? Sheamus gets the forearms and then heads out to Brogue Kick poor Mark Henry on commentary. Back in, the flying shoulderblock gets two. Barrett catches him with the bossman slam for two, but Sheamus gets a backbreaker for two. Barrett kicks him down for two. Sheamus finishes with the big kick at 4:33. Yes, Wade is really the IC champion, why do you keep asking? *1/2 Thankfully, Henry kicks Sheamus’ smirking ass afterwards and makes threatening quips, because THAT’S WHAT HE DOES.
Kane v. Ryback
We’ve got 10 minutes of airtime left and I don’t foresee this show suddenly not becoming shitty. Ryback quickly takes over on the floor and WE TAKE A BREAK?! C’mon, I have to work in the morning, you sadists. Back with Ryback holding a facelock while the fans express how boring this is, but Kane comes back with a DDT for two. Kane walks into a spinebuster and Ryback wants to FINISH IT. PLEASE DO. No, sadly Kane suplexes him for two. To the top, but Ryback brings him down with the Shellshock to finish at 9:03. Yeah, this was a thing that happened, deal with it. -* The Shield comes out to attack afterwards and Ryback runs away because I guess we’re still supposed to be booing him for not helping the people that he’s actively feuding with or something. At this point I’ve given up trying to follow.
You know when you go for a while, like almost a whole day, without eating anything for whatever reason, and then make the mistake of having a big breakfast with lots of greasy eggs and sausages, and then you have to run to the bathroom 10 minutes later and you’re swearing that you’ll never try that again?
Still more enjoyable than this show.
Tags: Brock Lesnar, john cena, monday night raw, Paul Heyman, Raw, ryback, SmarK Rants, The Shield