The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 05.09.13
My latest Kindle release will be the collection of Coliseum Video Rants, all 29 of them, and reformatting the original text files took up most of my day, and I’ll also be adding 2013 Scott sez comments to them for fun and to give you some extra value for your money.
Live from Tupelo, MS. It looks big!
Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Mike Tenay & Taz
Sting & Kurt Angle start us out, and Sting wants to strip Bully Ray of his power by taking his title. What is TNA’s preoccupation with the “title = power” trope? Angle calls out AJ Styles yet again, looking for his allegiance against the Aces. Sting is good cop, Angle is bad cop, and sadly the “you’re with us or you’re against us” tactic just makes AJ storm off like a petulant child yet again, prompting a beating from Angle. Meanwhile, poor trusting Sting gets attacked by the Aces and laid out. Well that’s a bad start for their six-man team.
Tara & Gail Kim v. Velvet Sky & Mickie James
Jessie quickly trips up Mickie and the heels control, while they announce the new (old) timeslot for the show. Speaking as someone who DVRs the show and watches it after my toddler goes to bed, this doesn’t particularly affect me, but hopefully it helps their ratings woes. Mickie fights back out of the corner and puts Kim down with a back kick and it’s hot tag Velvet. She runs wild and sends Kim into Jessie, and the Pedigree finishes Tara at 3:30. Quick and painless, just the way they should keep these Knockouts matches. ** Sadly, the loss is too much for Gail to take, and she turns on Tara and ringpost figure-fours her as well.
Meanwhile, D-Lo is a sad panda.
Meanwhile, Bad Influence try to bribe James Storm with beer (“We don’t have to be Fortune, we can be Threetune”) and Storm isn’t gonna let a six-pack go to waste.
Aces & Eights are out for a club meeting in the ring, and D-Lo is getting the boot. Jesus, hasn’t Bully taken any performance management courses? You never fire someone midway through the work week, you always wait until Friday at the end of the day. Plus I bet he didn’t even run it through Aces & Eights Human Resources first. D-Lo still wants his colors, but Bully makes him sit and watch the next match, and if Doc doesn’t win, then D-Lo is done.
Magnus v. DOC
We’re JIP with Doc booting Magnus on the way down from the top rope, and then pounding on him in the corner. Corner splash and short clothesline get two. Snap suplex and Doc chokes him out on the ropes, but Magnus comes back with a series of clotheslines. Flying elbow gets two, but D-Lo saves the pin and gets his ass kicked as a result. Back in, Doc hits Magnus with a TKO for two. D-Lo interferes again, but trips up the wrong guy and Magnus gets the pin at 4:00. **
Meanwhile, Bully wants to cave in D-Lo’s skull with a hammer, but Mr. Anderson talks him into letting D-Lo work as a prospect instead.
Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan wants to be the mystery partner, but THOSE DAMN DOCTORS say he can’t. Luckily, though, Hulk has a WILD CARD that texted him earlier and is a sure thing to destroy the Aces. For once, though, Sting is not 100% trusting and decides to go with Magnus instead.
Meanwhile, the Dirty Heels also try to suck up to James Storm, and Roode’s completely insincere apology is AWESOME.
Christopher Daniels & Kazarian v. Bobby Roode & James Storm
Tremendous sequence to start, as Kaz and Aries both go for the eyes and then blindly wander to the wrong corner, get punched in stereo, and then make a fake tag and try to leave at the same time. Roode takes over on Daniels with a clothesline, and Aries adds a cheapshot from the apron and comes in with the elbow to the back for two. Bad Influence turns the tide with some cheating of their own, as Roode gets tossed and abused by Kazarian on the floor. Back in for some double-teaming that gets two. Kaz with a springboard legdrop for two. Daniels goes up and Roode runs Kaz into him to escape the corner, and it’s hot tag Aries. Roaring Elbow for Daniels and he backdrops Daniels onto Kaz, and follows with the suicide dive onto both guys. Back in, he goes up with a frog splash for two. Bad Influence comes back with the double-team powerbomb for two, but Roode saves and hits Kaz with a spinebuster. Aries suplexes Daniels onto his head, but misses a charge. They trade suplex reversals and Daniels rolls him up, but blatantly pulls the tights and Storm won’t count. Aries grabs a beer and disrespects it in front of Storm, and that means Storm won’t count when Aries knocks him out and pins him. Storm superkicks Aries and walks off, so it’s some kind of Sports Entertainment Finish at 12:00. Disappointing ending, but the finishing sequence was AWESOME. ***1/2
Meanwhile, Magnus gets his ass kicked by the Aces, so he’s out.
Meanwhile, Suicide returns soon. Wasn’t that Kazarian last time?
Kenny King gets promo time! Holy cow. He calls out Chris Sabin, and offers him the chance to hold the X title belt one more time, because that’s the only way he’ll ever touch it again. King goes TOO FAR when he insults Sabin’s Urijah Faber haircut, and Sabin chases him off.
Sting, Kurt Angle & ??? v. Bully Ray, Devon & Mr. Anderson
Whoever the wild card is, they’re sure tardy. Devon wins a slugfest with Angle, but a suplex gets two for Angle. Sting comes in and gets pounded by Anderson, but the babyfaces double-team him and Angle stomps him down in the corner. The Aces finally trap them in the corner and take over, but someone has laid out the rest of the Aces backstage. And we take a break with that cliffhanger. Back with Bully beating on Angle, and Anderson slugs him down for two. They continue working the neck and Bully gets a neckbreaker, but Angle fights back with the Angle Slam and it’s hot tag Sting. Stinger splash for Devon and the Scorpion deathdrop gets two. Another splash and a bulldog gets two. Bully makes the save and Sting beats on him and puts him in the Scorpion deathlock, but Anderson breaks that up. Mic Check and he brawls outside with Angle…but Abyss returns?! Anderson gets chokeslammed through a table, Black Hole Slam finishes Devon at 17:47. Well that was a hell of a finish. ***1/4 BUT WHAT ABOUT JOSEPH PARK?
Best show they’ve had in a long time, with a legitimately surprising mystery partner to pay it off and some really fun storyline progression throughout.
Tags: Abyss, Aces & Eights, d-lo brown, Hulk Hogan, Kurt Angle, Sting, tna impact