Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 5.10.13 (Ryback vs Chris Jericho)

Tonight…Daniel Bryan vs Dean Ambrose! Jack Swagger vs Big E Langston! A concussion! And Jericho’s Highlight Reel!

1. Chris Jericho’s Highlight Reel
We start the show with…Y2J already in the ring?! A jobber entrance for the Highlight Reel?! Ryback comes out and we get footage from Monday night when Ryback beat John Cena down with a chair. Jericho tells Ryback that he knows what it’s like to be in his shoes and do whatever it takes to get the job done. He says he’s not judging Ryback, but the fans are. Jericho says that if Ryback wins the title at Extreme Rules, he’ll lose the respect of the fans. Ummm…he stopped caring about that weeks ago, Chris. Ryback threatens to drop Jericho right now…and Teddy Long comes out to make a match between the two. So Jericho channels Mick Foley and Ryback reads his lines as emotionless as possible? Fail.

2. Cody Rhodes vs Kofi Kingston
Both guys do a decent job of playing the “We know each other so well that we counter every move” card and the match ends when Kofi nails Trouble in Paradise off an attempted Disaster Kick. Too quick to really do anything for me.

3. Raw Rebound #1: Brock Lesnar Destroys Triple H’s Office
A pretty good segment with Lesnar destroying The Game’s office, ruined by Triple H’s “meh” face. Good job making this personal, Trips.

4. Big E Langston vs Jack Swagger
Alberto del Rio joins us on commentary before the match begins. I hope we actually get a decent hoss match out of this and that it doesn’t break down too quickly. Aaaaand…we never get a match as del Rio sends a ladder into the ring and all hell breaks loose. Del Rio stands tall and Dolph Ziggler gets a concussion. Hooray?

5. Dean Ambrose vs Daniel Bryan
Jeez. I don’t mind seeing Ambrose wrestle in singles matches, but when are the other two going to be featured on their own? Kane accompanies Daniel Bryan to the ring and The Shield slithers around at ringside. The commentators try to stress that Ambrose is the eccentric member of the team, but he doesn’t exactly come across as such and it just makes them sound like they’re pushing a gimmick. A great match that ends when Bryan traps Ambrose in the No Lock, forcing The Shield to take action and distract the ref and Kane. Before Ambrose can take advantage, Kofi Kingston charges in and causes the DQ!

6. Mark Henry Tows Two Tractor Trailers
We get footage from earlier in the day when Henry pulled a tractor trailer with sheer force. Now he’s going to pull TWO trailers at a combined weight of over 100,000 pounds. We also get footage of Sheamus’s back welts thanks to Mark Henry’s belt shots. To be honest, Sheamus looks like that when he gets out of bed thanks to how easily he bruises. Henry struggles for the first attempt but promises to silence the doubters and actually manages to pull both trailers on the second attempt! Somehow this is supposed to translate into how he’ll pull Sheamus around in their strap match at Extreme Rules, but I don’t think he’ll need to exert THAT much energy.

7. Raw Rebound #2: Ryback Chooses “Last Man Standing”
Yawn.

8. Sweet T vs Big Show
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. JBL says: “I like these aggressive big guys.” Ha. Big Show wins and Randy Orton runs in to drop him with an RKO.

9. Kaitlyn and AJ Backstage
Kaitlyn and AJ insult one another until Natalya shows up with Great Khali to tell the Divas Champion that they still don’t know who her secret admirer is. And Khali is wearing Rey Mysterio’s mask to go undercover in the locker room. Yeah.

10. Chris Jericho vs Ryback
Time for Y2J to do the J.O.B. and make Ryback look decent in the process. The commentators drone on and on about how Ryback isn’t trying to pin Jericho so much as keep him on the mat for a 10 count. Gotta love the subtlety there. The most interesting thing about this match is how Josh Mathews slowly becomes a Ryback supporter; the kid’s turning heel right before my eyes! Ryback escapes the Walls of Jericho by reaching the ropes, then eats a Codebreaker that sends him to the outside. As Jericho follows, Ryback regains control and crotches him in the steel post, forcing the ref to call for the DQ. Ryback’s not done, however, as he clotheslines Jericho over the announce table.

Apart from the Bryan/Ambrose match, there was nothing worth watching here. That seems to be the trend these days, doesn’t it? 🙁

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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