The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 05.16.13

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 05.16.13

So after two fairly grueling weeks of reformatting and adding 2013 Scott Sez comments, the new Kindle book is DONE.  Scott’s Blog of Doom Presents:  The Coliseum Video Rants! is now available on Amazon for $2.99, featuring all 29 Coliseum Video Rants, plus three BONUS rants that I did as a part of my Classics on Demand phase.  Hopefully you have as much fun reading them as I did writing them.

Taped from Tupelo, MS.

Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Tazz and Mike Tenay

Hulk Hogan is out to talk some trash about Aces & Eights, and he wants to bring out Abyss to thank him personally for taking care of business last week.  Sadly, only Joseph Park (brother of Abyss, you know) comes out.  This brings out D-Lo and Devon, and Joe is REALLY STARTING TO GET PISSED OFF.  Devon gives him the appropriate amount of respect (ie, none) and so D-Lo wants to kick Joseph’s ass to prove himself.  That might not go well for him.

Bobby Roode v. Chavo Guerrero

They trade hiptosses to start, and Roode opts to just toss Chavo to gain the advantage, and beats on him outside for a bit.  Back in, they slug it out and Chavo gets a headscissors and goes up, but Roode blocks that.  Chavo keeps coming with the Three Amigos and goes up to finish, but Roode brings him down and to the floor.  This brings James Storm out, and he spits beer at Roode for the DQ at 4:29.  Well that kind of sucked.  **

Kurt Angle is out to announce that he’s facing AJ Styles…again…at the PPV, but this brings out Mr. Anderson.  Next week, they’re going to be “patching AJ in” and Angle best not interfere.  Angle attacks Anderson for even suggesting such a thing, but AJ comes out of the crowd and lays him out with a high kick.

Jay Bradley v. Christian York

So the winner of this advances to the PPV to face the winner of something else and the winner of THAT gets entered into the Bound for Glory series as designated cannon fodder.  York works the arm to start, but Bradley puts him down with a big boot for two.  Bradley pounds away and sets up for the BOOMSTICK, but York ducks it and fires back.  York with a somersault into the corner and they slug it out, but York goes up and misses something, allowing Bradley to finish with the Boomstick lariat at 4:00.  Watchable thanks to York, but really sloppy and Bradley looked green.  *1/2

Gail Kim v. Velvet Sky

Backstage, Brooke books Mickie in another title match next week for some reason.  Velvet fights off Gail’s attack and takes her down with a headscissors, but Kim goes after the injured leg to take over.  That continues unabated for a while before Velvet makes the comeback, but stupidly does a high kick on the bad leg.  Kim sweeps the leg, but Sky rolls her up for the pin at 6:20.  Really?  Kim’s in total control for the entire match and Sky has one good leg and still manages to beat her with a rollup?  That’s what someone thought was a good finish?  This division has been getting, dare I say, WWE-like recently with thus stuff.  *

Suicide is still coming.

X title:  Kenny King v. Petey Williams v. Chris Sabin

Surprised they’re going with the blowoff on a taped show.  They’ve done a really solid job of building up the Sabin-King feud…but this is a three way.  King decides to wait it out on the floor, leaving Williams to beat on Sabin, but then changes his mind and yanks Petey to the floor.  Sabin slugs away on King, but Kenny comes back with an enzuigiri.  Williams sends Sabin to the floor, but King hits Petey from behind and gets two.  He whips him around the ring and hits the chinlock, but Sabin comes back in and makes the comeback.  Northern Lights suplex gets two on King.  Williams tosses Sabin and legsweeps King for two.  Downward Spiral gets two.  Sabin breaks up the Destroyer attempt with a clothesline and goes up, but King kicks him down and adds another spinkick to Petey for two.  Backbreaker gets two.  Sabin with an enzuigiri on King and he hangs him in the Tree of Woe, then FUs Petey into the prone King.  King recovers, tosses Sabin, and finishes Petey with the Royal Flush at 7:25.  They pretty much told us in the pre-match promos that it was going to be the finish, so really we shouldn’t be surprised.  OK match.  **1/2

Christopher Daniels v. Hernandez

Hernandez gets the delayed suplex and AIR MEXICO clothesline, but Kaz trips him up and Daniels takes over with a clothesline.  Neckbreaker gets two and Kaz gets some shots in from the outside, but Hernandez slingshots back in with a shoulderblock.  Blind charge misses and Daniels tries to finish, but now Storm comes out and distracts Daniels long enough for Hernandez to finish with the Pounce at 4:24.  Storm announces that at the PPV, it’ll be Chavo/Hernandez v. Aries/Roode v. Daniels/Kazarian v. himself and a partner.  Assuming he’s healthy in time, I guess.  I kind of hope it’s Chris Harris, but Jeff Hardy seems like the safer bet.  Either way, they HAVE to change these titles to get off the treadmill of the same three teams.  **

D-Lo Brown v. Joseph Park

D-Lo quickly dominates and beats on Park outside, then back in for a Shining Wizard and a seated clothesline.  D-Lo misses a blind charge and Park rolls him up for two, but D-Lo kicks him back into the corner again.  Corner clothesline and he slugs away in the corner…but he draws blood.  That proves to be very bad for D-Lo, as Park makes the magic transformation and destroys him with the Black Hole Slam at 4:41.  So now Park presumably gets the TV title shot at Slammiversary.  More greatness from Park afterwards, as he does all the Abyss mannerisms and then snaps back to reality, apparently having forgotten what happened.  Perhaps he has the same concussion issues Ziggler does.  *

Main Event Contract Signing:  Bully Ray v. Sting

Sting offers some badassery with a No Holds Barred challenge, but Bully counters with a stipulation where Sting can’t get another title shot FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE if he loses.  Sting feels this is worth it and accepts, and they slug it out to end the show.

The Pulse

This did nothing for me, but as usual it was a breezy show that flew by.  It was a show that was boring me, but then I checked the DVR time and saw there was only 30 minutes left and I was like “Oh, well OK then” and felt happier somehow.  It’s like the exact opposite feeling I get when I’m watching RAW suck the life out of my soul and see the FIRST HOUR copyright notice on the screen, causing me to groan like Homer having the Stone of Triumph attached to his neck.

Anyway, this show was OK, nothing more, nothing less.

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