Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 5.17.13 (Sheamus, Orton, del Rio vs Henry, Big Show, Swagger)

We are less than 48 kayfabe hours before Extreme Rules! Let’s see how the WWE half-asses their way through the show, shall we?

1. MizTV w/ Randy Orton and Big Show
The Miz shills for the PPV, which is hilarious because his ass isn’t even on the paid-for card. We get a recap of Orton hitting an RKO on Show last week. Big Show calls Orton a coward for assaulting him from behind…even though he pulled the exact same shit on Randy. Orton responds by saying, “You think you’re gonna beat me in front of my home town this Sunday?” Well, yes, Randy; that’s the running joke in this company. Haven’t you been here long enough? Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter interrupt to say that the match of the night will be Swagger’s. I smell a Teddy Long tag team match coming on…..and here’s Alberto del Rio. Yup. Oh Teddddddddy? Del Rio says his piece, but instead of Teddy Long we get another black man in Mark Henry. Did Kevin Dunn get them confused? Sheamus pops in for a quick sound bite and THEN Teddy shows up to make a six-man tag team match, playa! Well, after the commercial break. Say, where the fuck is Booker T these days?

2. Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns vs The Usos

This match apparently was made when the Usos saved Kane from a beating on Main Event, but we all know it’s just to tease what we’re going to see Sunday. The brothers get in some offense but Reigns ends this with a Spear less than two minutes in. The Shield attacks the Usos after the bell and Kofi Kingston makes the save with a steel chair.

3. Backstage with Teddy Long and Raw Rebound #1: Ryback Attacks John Cena
The Miz and Teddy chat about how the show opened but are interrupted by Damien Sandow, who claims that if he had his own TV show it would turn out better than MizTV. Long says he’ll take it under advisement and makes a match between Sandow and Miz tonight. The commentators talk about how Teddy is “abusing his power” and I scratch my head at that one. Booker T isn’t there, and Long is making fairly unbiased match-ups. Where’s the abuse of power?

4. Brodus Clay and Sweet T vs The Primetime Players
This is what’s left of the tag team division, folks. The Primetime Players stole a victory on Monday night and Tons of Funk returns the favor with a quick three-minute beat down. Nothing to write home about here.

5. Chris Jericho vs Antonio Cesaro
Hopefully the WWE lets Cesaro go out there and prove his worth like he so often does and changes their opinion of him from “boring” to “fucking awesome.” You’d think, based on this match’s placement on the card and Cesaro’s opponent, that the company had more faith in him these days. This was Match of the Night for sure as Cesaro and Jericho counter each other repeatedly, especially in the case of Cesaro escaping the Walls of Jericho on more than one occasion. It ends the only way it can: with Jericho forcing Cesaro to tap; after all, Y2J has a match at the PPV and Cesaro doesn’t. Post-match, Fandango tries to cheap shot Jericho but fails.

6. The Miz vs Damien Sandow
“More popular than the Jonas Brothers and One Direction, it’s The Miz,” says Josh Mathews. I’m not sure that’s something to be crowing about, Josh. Cody Rhodes is on commentary as the announce team discuss his relationship with Sandow. JBL says that Cody’s mustache makes him look like Errol Flynn and instead of taking it as a compliment, Rhodes says he doesn’t know who that is (look him up, kiddies). The finish sees Rhodes attempt to interfere but he fails and Miz forces Sandow to tap out to the Figure Fuck-Up. Josh: “If there’s any rust on Miz, I don’t see it!” I do, Josh: it’s in his crowd reactions.

7. Kaitlyn vs Aksana
Josh Mathews returns to his heel mode from last week as he says that Kaitlyn’s secret admirer must be unattractive because, and I quote, “attractive people aren’t secret admirers.” Michael Cole goes on to make a masturbation reference (!) and no one seems to care about this match. Kaitlyn wins with a Bewb Spear.

8. Raw Rebound #2: Triple H and Brock Lesnar
Rumor has it the WWE is looking to make both men appear unbeatable by having neither one actually lose the cage match this Sunday. That should go over well with the live crowd, eh?

9. Sheamus, Randy Orton, and Alberto del Rio vs Jack Swagger, Big Show, and Mark Henry
Standard tag match formula, with del Rio as face-in-peril. The crowd seems to be into it as we spend the last twenty minutes of the show on this bout. Things fall apart (great book, by the way) and Orton drops Swagger with the RKO for the win.

Watch the Y2J/Cesaro match and maybe the six-man tag, but other than that you’re not missing much here.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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