THE RAGER! Let’s Play “Hide The Hammer!” (Extreme Rules)

So how’s everybody feeling after Extreme Rules? Anybody completely disappointed? Anyone completely marking out over every little detail? Well let’s go back and look at it. I swear I won’t call anyone a weak link, I swear.

Youtube Pre-Show
Miz vs Cody Rhodes
I nothing’d this match, just like every Miz match these days. Miz doing the Figure 4 is just a punch line to a joke that’s reaching a big too high to be funny.

Chris Jericho vs Fandango
It was a better match than Wrestlemania, less ugly spots and the finish was a lot cleaner. Fandango still wrestles a bet uneasy from my perspective, just hoping he settles in because he definitely have the ability to put on really good matches. Jericho hit the impressive code breaker at the end, expected nothing less from the guy. I would like to see both men move on to different competition, especially Dango so we can see how he handles it.

United States Championship Match
Kofi Kingston vs Dean Ambrose
Incredibly strong match even in it’s quickness and surprisingly clean and without interference from the other Shield members. My only real complaint was that it wasn’t given more time (notice I didn’t say “enough” time) as I felt there was much more both men could bring more to the proverbial table but still used the time they were given to convey their message. This was the first match where I began to notice the shorter matches in the heavily-booked PPV, an obviously attempt to give the top card more time and to avoid what happened at Wrestlemania.

Strap Match
Mark Henry vs Sheamus
Blair warned us, I’ll give him that. As stated in the previous match, it was mercifully shorter than I was expecting but almost never gets any more goofy than this. Strap matches are inherently hokey but to add light indicators on the ring post is just insulting. I mean, I know Sheamus and Cena fans are young but most of them are old enough to be able to count to 4 and what “do it in order without being stopped” means.

#1 Contender for WHC “I Quit” Match
Alberto Del Rio vs Jack Swagger
I don’t remember a lot from this match but that probably has more to do with my overall disinterest added with another quick-ish match. The one thing most people will remember from the match was the use of replay and for some reason, I heard rumblings of people (mostly on twitter) giving a crap. I never understood the “ruining the game” stance when it came to replay in sports and I understand it even less. Those same people cried that it sets a precedence and it does but it’s a precedence that will be forgotten for their own convenience and will be periodically remembered whenever it suits their story telling. But seriously? ruining the game? As slow as baseball already is and as many stops that football has, this is nothing by comparison and the “human element” is faulty which explains the need for replay in the first place. In wrestling, we’d would have some other person storm out to the ring and tell the ref what happened behind his back anyway and restart the match, how is this any different?

Tornado Tag Match for Tag Team Championship
Team Friendship vs Almost Shield
Somehow the ring didn’t implode and none of the 4 wrestlers tripped over themselves and died in the absence of “tag 101.” Did I say 4 wrestlers? I meant to say 3 wrestlers and a weak link (I’m sorry, CB. I couldn’t resist).
But seriously, what a great match. All four wrestlers firing on all cylinders and top their previous matches which were great to begin with. I don’t have much to say here just because I would just repeat myself over and over again. Another clean and convincing win and I’m a happy camper.

Extreme Rules Match
Randy Orton vs Big Show
Not a terrible match but not necessarily a memorable one either. Although I’m sure none of you were expecting to ever put this match in high regard. We did get to see the returned of the presumed-banned punt from Orton, which I get the sense that it should’ve been made a bigger deal and it probably would’ve if he wasn’t facing Big Show.

Last Man Standing Match for WWE Championship
John Cena vs Ryback
I was going to make another O’Doyle family joke but everybody seems to be hijacking my joke so I’ll just keep this one to myself.
A few high spots in this match along with some good table moments. One of which involved a production girl getting away from the table but not taking her Macbook. Her punishment? Jerk Cena swats it off the table #NotAFace. The finishing spot was pretty cool, I’ll admit, but their should’ve been a better call from an official on the spot and had Ryback actually sell the move instead of being led away on foot (technically winning). No official call was made, instead we got to watch EMS awkwardly put Cena on a stretcher, Teddy Long barking annoying and nonsensical orders, 30 seconds of serious voices from the commentators and a straight transition to the next match. Top notch.

Part-Timer Cage Match
Bork Bork vs HHHv2
This was easily the best match between the two but don’t get carried away because that isn’t necessarily high praise. The match was okay and didn’t feel as terribly long as the others. Do you think HHH plays “hide-the-hammer” at home? I bet he does.

Note: The next night at Raw, we saw the redebut of Curtis Axel (formally Michael McGillicuty) and being branded as the next Heyman guy. I like this angle, it gives Heyman a reason to be on weekly television while Brock and Punk wait for Summer Slam. Curtis is a guy we hear such high praise from much respected former wrestlers as the guy they’re most excited about. I will say this, his string of matches on NXT Redemption against Tyson Kidd were remarkable and I’m excited to see what they do with him. As for the name, I’m alright with it. It’s an interesting node to his family history (although using his actual name would accomplish the exact same thing) and it’s much better than Michael McGillicuty. Also, I do like the fact that they actually explained the name change instead of us to forget about his time with Nexus a la Skip Sheffeld
At the end of Raw, we saw Axel against HHH in a rare Raw match. Trips stumbled around and the show ended with the indication of a concussion storyline. I, personally, believe it’s simply the fact HHH draws his strength from costing every viewer of said match at least $40.

Be on the lookout for this week’s podcast right here on Pulse Wrestling or subscribe to us on iTunes to automatically get every episode as it becomes available. Can’t wait for the next podcast? then head over to our Youtube page where you get a look at the random topics we talk about before he hit record on the podcast.
And as always, go follow us on twitter @CRAttire for join in on our live coverage of Monday Night Raw. We also have a new segment called “Chris’ Mail Sack” (complete with catchy jingle) where you get to share your ideas and questions and we have a discussion about it. You can have your submit to the Mail Sack by emailing ClassyRingAttire@gmail.com

If you haven’t seen it yet, Queens of the Stone Age is releasing a new album next month and have been releasing animated music videos for some of the new songs. Here is all 5 of them cut together in what makes one awesome animated short film. enjoy

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
Chris

The Answer: I wonder who was the first person to realize the sun didn’t shine on their butthole…and what they were doing to realize it. I’m assuming its someone after that elusive summer butthole tan we all want.

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