I don’t know why I just said that. I’m not from the South. I don’t ride horses. I don’t own a lasso. I do however, own cowboy booties, and they’re really cute. Is that good enough?
Perhaps I meant Giddy-up. As in let’s get this party started. As in, as long as you promise not to say your name ever again Juan Pablo, I’ll ride you bareback.
Has this been a long break for me or what? Between Emily’s season, Bachelor Pad, Bachelor Canada and Sean, I don’t think I’ve had more than a few weeks vaca from Bachelorville in forever. This hiatus between Dez and Sean really threw me for a loop (what does that mean?) I have to admit though, it was kinda nice – almost like a cleanse.
But now I’m back, as usual harboring guilt over my shallow blogging existence which prevents me from reducing my laziness to the point where I actually write about content other than these ridiculous people and their journeys for love that end three minutes after their bloopers reel at the finale airs.
But Dez will be different right? She’s down to earth, no? A sweetheart? She’s got an open mind? For the love of god, she’s a brunette. That’s gotta be worth something.
As usual, we’ve all got high hopes for this ‘fan favourite’. She stole our hearts with her teeny tiny pixie face and presumably normal personality. Our eyes well up with tears of respect and admiration as she recounts her upbringing of living in cars and forests with her madly-in-love parents so fondly (though cleverly being homeless becomes ‘OMG I totally I love camping!!!’ when the subject comes up over cocktails). We felt for her when her brother Ike Turner totally single-handedly destroyed any future she had with Sean and watched in horror as Sean chose Catherine’s split ends over Dez’s adorable bangs that fateful day.
But here we are, guys. Ready for a whole new season of #drama, #awkwardmoments, and #justkillme. Yee-HAW!!! Dammit, I did it again.
Let’s get right to it. Dez set the stage right away, pulling up to her Malibu bachelorette pad in her beat up old Civic. At first I thought, wow, she’s doing things differently. She’s not going to go for that flashy business. She just wants to stay on task, find love and get on with her life. What an admirable display of humility, going against the grain like that and staying true to herself. Why else would they have made a point of filming her rolling up in her own car? Fast forward four minutes, past the photos of Dez circa 1980’s (who am I kidding – 90’s) in her sailor dress enjoying the simple life, past the strategically placed makeup chair in her ensuite, past the glass bowls of various chocolates on her bedside table, past the breath-taking view from every vantage point on the property (um, yes…that is the ocean…) and pause for a moment to admire the adorable art that is a turquoise Bentley convertible.
Seriously? If you’ve been with me for a while, you know how I feel about fancy cars, but if ever there was a car to change my attitude, I think a turquoise Bentley convertible would have to do it. I always thought Malibu Barbie was a blonde, but there’s no denying she’s a brunette now!
So after Dez’s obligatory interview with Chris Harrison to confirm that yes, in fact, this is real, and the diarrhea should start setting in in a few hours, and that yes, we do still like her, we segue into a mini montage to seal the deal. There’s Dez channeling her inner roller girl, socks and bikini top included, Dez feeding seagulls, Dez drawing palm trees, Dez shoplifting a hat, Dez frolicking in no particular direction, Dez keeping herself warm in an off shoulder sweater whilst deep in thought, Dez crying about her parents relationship. I mean if those brief moments don’t scream ‘ready for love’, what does?
Yada Yada Yada, she puts on her Statue of Liberty costume, complete with matching silver shoes (please tell me she didn’t design this dress too) and we’re off to the races to separate the men from the boys.
I’d like to say that so far, I think the boys of this season have tried the hardest, collectively to make a memorable first impression. Usually there are six or eight contestants that make utter fools of themselves with poems, gimmicks, dance moves, and general moments of torture for the audience, but this season it seemed like almost every one of them had a game plan – and they just got worse and worse.
Shock of all shocks, the guys that made the best impression (on me anyways,) were the ones who were just themselves, so let’s get them out of the way.
There’s Brydon, the soldier, who loves his doggie and bonded with Iraqi kids while serving his country. His somewhat timid, shy demeanor is pretty endearing and while I’m not physically attracted to him, I’m sure there’s some deep-seeded masculinity just waiting to emerge. He’ll probably get cuter as the season progresses.
There’s Drew, the marketing exec from Arizona with the alcoholic dad and mentally handicapped sister who’s learned the hard way what’s important in life. He sort of resembles a bunny, but he’s cute and super-nervous – especially when she calls him out for looking at her boobs – and seems like a sweet heart. Plus he’s first out of the limo, doesn’t seem as adversely affected by the blue light and randomly placed tinsel everywhere as I am and is just himself.
I also dug Robert, the sign spinner (I know, what???) with the one-eyed dog, though his move of asking if he can remove his tie and throwing it into a bush was pretty half-assed. Why not just not wear a tie and set yourself apart that way? What did that tie ever do to you?
I also liked Brandon, the adrenaline junkie house painter (‘painting contractor’ is just not fooling anyone, sweetie) with the dead beat dad and addict mom who finds solace hanging out of an airplane. Not only did he ride up on a motorcycle, but he also gave her the whole story about flipping the coin and skipping his birthday party. Must be hard to do in your twenties. Did you end up getting a refund on the bouncy castle?
And then there’s Ben. Or should I say Ben and Brody. Of course, Brody was as much a gimmick as a suit of armour and there’s no doubt that the first impression rose went to him as a result. Was I affected? Um…ObV. Do you think I have no soul??? Was Brody friggin adorable, especially as he quietly asked his daddy ‘did I do everything right? I gave her the flower…’ as he headed back to the limo to hand him back to Dez’s potential future mother-in-law. #throbbinguterus. Despite the adorablosity of Ben and Brody and the fact that I appreciate Ben being upfront instead of waiting until date four to announce he’s a virgin or something like that, let’s not get too close people. Ben is supposedly this season’s resident villain, and if the editing has been done correctly, it looks like it’s he who has the secret girlfriend back home. Think about it, can you really trust a guy who says his son is a product of two friends just havin’ a baby and Dez, do you really want to enter a relationship with a guy who is forever tied to another woman whom he claims is still his ‘best friend’?
I think that pretty much sums up my top picks right now – honourable mention goes to Brooks, for his name, his hair and his general attitude. I think the fact that his top lip doesn’t move is throwing me off but he seems like a good guy. And of course, the resident eye candy, Juan Pablo, whom she’ll probably keep around till episode four or five just so she can cross off making out with a foreigner off her bucket list. Couldn’t he just call himself Juan? Every time he repeated his name to her, I was just more embarrassed for everyone involved. It was like Alejandro all over again. And really, it doesn’t matter what his name is. Once I heard his ode to Matthew McConaughey ‘alright alright alright’ kinda greeting I didn’t really care about anything that came out of his mouth (and neither did Dez). It’s more about what he can do with it that I’m sure she’s focused on. #foregoyourindividualrooms.
Now into the eye of the storm we go. Sigh.
I think there were different levels of embarrassment last night. There were the mild cases, like Will, the Bikram yoga-loving freak who high fives his way through life, who fumbled over his goddess comment to Dez and decided to rename her Athena on the spot. Or Brad, who acknowledged the epic fail that was Dez’s fountain-wishing intro to Sean by smuggling animal remains onto the scene so they could start a new tradition. And Mike, the Dallas dental student who wore his lab coat and called himself McDreamy (and since my girl knows what’s up, she asked if he brought McSteamy). How awkward must his patient have felt being filmed while in the chair during the intro, eh? #sidebar. Even Mikey the plumber (shocker), who right off the bat decided to call out Dez’s brother’s actions on Sean’s season – and you can tell this had been his plan for months was a bit of a miss. I’d like to be able to say he was sincere, but since one eye looked at her one way and the other was completely off in a different location, it was hard to tell. And finally Chris, whose calculated proposal into shoe-tying fake-out was a little too fully thought out for my taste, all the way to his line ‘I just want to get off on the right foot’, as he got back to a standing position. Perhaps there’s a sense of humour lurking under there somewhere, but I’m not sure I care.
Then we move onto the moderately embarrassing intros.
There’s Michael, the toothy federal prosecutor, who went elbow deep into the fountain to try to find her coin from last season before giving up and handing her a penny he brought from home. I’m pretty sure Michael is actually a mole, planted to give Dez the inside scoop on all the boys and he’s really her gay best friend. Bets anyone? What girl doesn’t want a gay best friend???
Then there’s Nick from Chicago, the tailor/magician. I guess contrary to popular belief, everyone does not love a magician. I’ll give him props for his announcement to the guys that he was going to make Dez disappear, only to be the one to steal the first one on one time, but unfortunately, he fell short and his grand finale was making himself disappear instead.
And where to start with Kasey. First of all, I think it should be against the law to ever have another Kasey on any season of the Bachelorette. As soon as he said his name, I immediately thought he was going to promise to guard and protect her heart – it was all I could to do stop myself from violently twitching. And #don’tgetmestarted on those hash tags (for the record, my overuse of hashtags in this post is very deliberate and I am not in actual fact, a big fat loser. This will not continue. #marriagematerial? #letthejourneybegin? How about #BanKaseyFromTwitter? Let’s see how quickly that shit starts trending.
And, we can’t forget Micah, who showed up in quite possibly the worst arts and crafts project in Bachelor history – his own homemade suit. Bet he felt like a douche heading back to the airport in that get-up.
And finally, the epic-to-severe embarrassments of the night, brought to us by Zak, Jonathan, Larry, and poor, dear, sweet, Diogo.
I actually think Zak might be a sweet guy with a good sense of humour – maybe I’ll regret putting that in print – but how does one even attempt to get to the bottom of this, with those chiseled abs in the way? We get it Zak. You have a hot bod, which clearly you have a ton of time to work on given that you live in the middle of nowhere with only a bottle of hand lotion and a tube sock to keep you company. But really? Exiting the limo topless, not even bringing a shirt with you at all and asking the grand question – will you accept these abs? Brutal. Spending your precious one-on-one time with Dez not getting to know her on any sort of personal level, but stripping further down to your manties and jumping in the pool? Even worse. You did get a pity rose, given the mild case of hypothermia you acquired to get Dez’s attention, but could we maybe see a bit less of you next week? And for the record, there is no part of me who would want to date a guy with that perfect of a body. How am I supposed to feel good about myself naked if that’s what I’m up against. #noIwillnotaccepttheseabs.
And… Jonathan – the frat boy date rapist who tries to sell himself by locking Dez in a makeshift fantasy suite with the master plan of ‘kissing her on the mouth’, making absolutely zero eye contact with her (unless nipples are considered eyes these days), and informing her that A) he has no filter, B) his mom has told him he’s good looking (so it must be true, right? If your mom says it?) and C) that his ‘love tank’ is steadily increasing. Why don’t ya go ahead and take that fantasy suite key, shove it into your love tank and crank it.
And Larry. What to make of Larry. On the one hand, I’d love to invite him over so he can watch the show with me, because I have a feeling he’s hilarious and his dry sense of humour is just what the doctor ordered. But then on the other hand, the way he slow talks, and his obsession with the dip gone wrong (and the fact that he tried it on more than 50 people) sort of rings some alarm bells for me. He kinda – and I’m just throwing this out there – has that air of ‘I’m going to stab you 22 times with no remorse’ vibe going. The guy’s an ER doctor, so he could probably stitch you right back up, but still, he’s a bit too borderline serial killer for my taste.
And finally, poor little Diogo. Clearly you did not consult with your cousin Dora before embarking on this journey of humiliation because she would have just stared at you blankly and had Boots pin you down while she pried the metal right off of you. Always ask a girl, dude, even if she’s an animated character on a constant three-step quest. I’m just picturing how awkward it must have been to get into the limo and sit there chilling with the other guys, talking about the weather and such when you’re wearing two hundred pounds of steel. Maybe in their twenties women still have that hope of finding a Prince Charming or a Knight in Shining Armour, but really, in my thirties, I’m quite happy with a man who empties the dishwasher without being asked and brings home tulips for me and my three year old. I’m assuming Diogo didn’t drink much that night as it would have been pretty complicated to break the seal. Even topless Zak was dumbfounded.
It’s too bad, because though I wasn’t physically attracted to poor Diogo, it’s obvious the guy is a kind old soul who’s just looking for love and a girl to come home to. I would suggest he make the most use out of that rental and find the nearest larping convention he can in the hopes of seeing out a fair maiden. Clearly, it’s not Dez.
So there you have it – it looks like this season is overflowing with hot dates, and cool outfits sported by our adorable little bachelorette. I’m sure it’ll be a bumpy ride, but I’ll be right there beside her – spiritually of course – that would just be awkward otherwise – to offer my sage wisdom.
Did you miss me as much as I missed you? You know if you like me on Facebook, you’ll never miss a thing. #justsayin’ #dopeoplestillsayjustsayin’?
Till next week!
Tags: the bachelorette