The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 05.30.13
Taped from Tampa, FL
Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Mike Tenay & Taz
Aces & Eights talk about AJ Styles backstage, and D-Lo lips off to Mr. Anderson one time too many and gets laid out as a result. This brings Bully & Devon to the ring for some PPV hard sell, as Bully lists all the guys that Sting has beaten to be declared a legend, and we’re on with the tag match.
Bully Ray & Devon v. Sting & Joseph Park
They all brawl on the floor immediately and do some walk-and-punch stuff around the ring, leading to a showdown with Sting and Bully in the ring. They collide and we take a break. Back with Devon choking Park out on the ropes, but he comes back with a hiptoss and goes up. Bully uses the CALVES OF DOOM to bring him down, however, and the Aces work him over in the corner. Bully drops an elbow for two, and Devon drops a leg and mocks Hogan’s posing. Thankfully he didn’t pantomime a radiator explosion because I know I would have been like “Too soon, dude!” Bully with a nice standing dropkick, but the heels collide and it’s hot tag Sting. He quickly hooks the Scorpion on Devon, but Park tries his own on Bully and gets shoved into Sting as a result. Sting goes it alone, but misses the splash on Bully, and 2D follows. Park looks to take Wazzup, but Abyss apparently interrupts, and Sting pins a distracted Devon with the deathdrop at 13:19. Pretty lethargic stuff, although not bad or anything. **
Dixie Carter is out to announce that they’ll announce the newest Hall of Famer at the PPV, and she hopes Sting wins. This brings out Aces & Eights for their third straight segment this week, but Joe & Magnus quickly save and we’re on.
Samoa Joe v. Garrett Bischoff
This goes about as you’d expect and we take a break. Back with Magnus getting mugged on the outside, but Joe hits all three Aces with a dive and that’s a DQ. So literally the entire body of the match was cut? Joe announces a six-man for the PPV with Brischoff & Doc against Joe, Magnus and Jeff Hardy.
Bad Influence & The Dirty Heels v. Gunstorm & Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez
Gunner pounds away on Kaz and suddenly all the heels claim back injuries and retreat. Roode steps in and quickly takes over with a heat segment on Chavo that’s about as exciting as anything else Chavo has been involved in, but he comes back and brings Hernandez in. The heels all bump for him like he was Dustin Rhodes in 1991 and a backbreaker gets two on Roode. Finally he gets caught in the corner by an Aries dropkick, but the brainbuster is reversed and it’s over to Gunner. The torture rack (waterboard?) finishes at 9:13. Did they really give this poor goof that finisher in 2013? This was fine. **1/2 Just goes to show that even if someone isn’t a big deal, bringing them in and treating them like one can make them one. Won’t work with Gunner, but I admire the attempt.
Meanwhile, Bully Ray declares that NOW it’s really war with Impact. And he wants victims tonight. Or else.
Mickie James is out to chastise fans for thinking badly of her title win, but Velvet Sky would really like a rematch. Mickie can’t do that for her, and Gail Kim comes out and would also like a title match, laying out Velvet to make that point. This leads to…
Kenny King & Gail Kim v. Chris Sabin & Taryn Terrell
This has 14 car pileup written all over it. Taryn hits Kim with a neckbreaker and slugs away in the corner, then suplexes her in from the apron and hits a flying bodypress for two. Over to the men, as Sabin controls King with armdrags, but King comes back with a high kick for two. Spinkick gets two as Taz speculates that ODB might be drunk. Sabin comes back with a doctorbomb variation for two, and the women get into a footrace. This leads to Taryn spearing Gail, while Sabin finishes King with the Cradle Shock at 4:57. Wisely, this was mostly the men. **
AJ Styles v. Mr. Anderson
AJ wins a slugfest to start and punts Anderson in the ribs, and a suplex gets two. AJ pounds him in the corner, but Anderson gets a cheapshot and stomps him down. AJ comes back and baseball slides him out of the ring, and we take a break. Back with a fight on the apron, and Anderson DDTs him there to take over. Back in, that gets two. We get a lengthy armbar from Anderson, until AJ gets fired up and makes the comeback with a clothesline. AJ with a splash for two. He goes for a tornado DDT, but Anderson blocks him with the Lambeau Leap for two. AJ hangs him in the Tree of Woe and follows with a dropkick to the face, and Kurt Angle runs in for the DQ at 14:18. Pretty decent match that of course ended up going nowhere. ** A big brawl erupts, leaving us with Bully and Sting slugging it out until the Aces lay him out to end the show.
The Pulse
This was a yawner, literally, as I was struggling to stay awake by the end, and I wasn’t even particularly tired beforehand. This AJ thing…I dunno. It’s not doing anything for me, and doesn’t appear to be doing anything for the crowd or himself, either. Tweeners only work in Vince Russo’s imagination.
