First off, I wanted to pimp out this little video I made last week for Classy Ring Attire. Watch as my amazing voice soothes you into catching up to a pay per view that happened months ago.
Speaking of Pay Per Views, we have one of those coming up, don’t we?
Pre-Show-Kick-Off-Foreplay-Opening-Act or whatever they’re calling it these days
Sheamus vs Damien Sandow
Sheamus is so terrible that he’s making me dislike Sandow by proximity which is saying a lot because I bought a Sandow shirt and that is the ultimate signification of allegiance according to sports fan rules (the real ones, not the pansies that have jerseys of different players of different teams…pick a side). Joel and myself go into much bigger detail in our hatred of Sheamus on this week’s CRA but I’m completely done with this guy because he turns everything to crap. He is everything that we complain about the Cena character magnified to an ungodly extent. I know I went on a big tirade a few weeks ago that problems aren’t always solved by firing wrestlers but I’d make an exception here.
Intercontinental Championship Triple Threat
Wade Barrett(c) vs Miz vs Curtis Axel
Axel is a late addition due to Fandango suffering a concussion due to Ryder’s failures, which is ironic because usually people get hurt DURING a match with Miz and not before. Before the injury, I pretty much assumed this would be the moment they put the IC belt on Dango and, in most cases, I would assume the IC picture would be in a holding pattern until he returned. However, part of me believes WWE would just go ahead and put the belt on Axel. Either way, if WWE could make this match end as quickly as possible, I’d really appreciate it.
Divas Championship Match
Kaitlyn(c) vs AJ
I like Kaitlyn and even I forgot she was champ. Yes, the end to the secret admirer nonsense was pretty predictable and lame but at least have some sort of actual Divas story going, right? Although, it would’ve been much more interesting to see Big E actually be a legit secret admirer (and let him actually speak instead of trying to remember a badly written script) if he just got to wear that hideous Rock’s 1998 shirt on a regular basis.
Tag Team Championship Match
Shield members Seth Rollings & Roman Reigns(c) vs Team Hug-A-Viper (credit to Joel for the name)
So I’m assuming this past Smackdown was a test run of how Randy will turn heel, right? Because it’s glaringly obvious. And credit to Vickie for doing what must be done by breaking up Team Friendship. Sure, none of us ever wanted to see this day come but Daniel Bryan needs to go back to singles and capitalize on this outstanding hot-streak he’s been on lately…it’s unworldly and worthy of the big super bowl ring belt. As for this match, it’s The Shield and we all know they’ll find a way to be impressive while they find a way to pull of the win. Randy turns and starts a feud against Daniel Bryan before DB goes off to the title picture…fingers crossed.
US Championship Match
Dean Ambrose(c) vs Kane
Remember the last time we were actually excited for a US title match? Neither do I. Again, it’s Shield and they’ll come out with the win, I’m assuming it’ll have something to do with Kane and DB but I’m excited to see an extended look at Ambrose and Kane.
World Heavyweight Championship Match
Dolph Ziggler(c) vs Alberto Del Rio
Not really a whole lot to say seeing as how we’ve only seen Del Rio feud with Big E in Dolph’s absence because of injury. We all wanted the belt on Dolph, we overlooked the issue of actually doing something with him as champ and hopefully WWE hasn’t overlooked it as well (but who am I kidding) and will ignite something now that he’s back.
WWE Championship 3 Stages of Hell Match
John Cena(c) vs Ryback
Ever notice that Ryback and Shaemus are essentially the same character except one has an angry face and the other always has a dopey smile? That realization may have just made me hate Ryback. But all that nonsense aside, Cena wins the lumberjack, Ryback flukes tables and then we are all “privileged” to see yet another “heroic” Cena win in the ambulance match…credits.
Best in the World III
CM Punk vs Chris Jericho
A lot of unknowns going into this match seeing as how Jericho has been playing up both sides on his own. Will Punk show up? Well Hawks play game two of the finals at Madhouse so he’ll definitely be in town. The real question is will Punk actually fight. I have a feeling Punk will show up but refuse to fight (giving Chicago a reason to boo him) and lead to a Summer Slam feud. Sure, I won’t mind a Punk sighting and if we actually get a match out of it then it’s just icing but I’m not getting my hopes up on that.
Payback isn’t necessarily the best name for a PPV that has the potential to bomb. I can already see all the “pay me back” jokes that are going to slime onto reddit afterwards.
Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
The Answer: “There’s no such thing as trolls? Then how would explain all those dead unicorns?”
Tags: AJ, alberto del rio, chris jericho, cm punk, Curtis Axel, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, john cena, Kaitlyn, kane, miz, randy orton, ryback, sheamus, The Shield, Wade Barrett