The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 06.13.13
Taped from Atlanta, GA
Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Taz
Hulk Hogan is out to start, no longer sporting the white glove he was wearing last week. Apparently only an ACT OF GOD stopped him from bashing Bully’s head in with the hammer last week and chopping him down with the back of his hand or something. Didn’t God have anything better to do? Anyway, tonight is the Bound for Glory selection show, but Jeff Hardy and Bobby Roode get free passes because they’ve already won it. Tensions are running high, but Hulk manages to deflate it by stumbling all over an announcement that next week is Open Fight Night and fans will get to vote on which guy gets the first call-out. Hulk made it sound much, much more complex than that, of course. As usual, Bully and the Aces interrupt, and they’re upset at being excluded from the selection process thus far. So Hogan puts them into a battle royale, and the winner of it gets the BFG spot. The Aces try to attack, but Roode and Hardy hold them off…and then Roode turns on Hardy for fun. Putting Hogan out there to provide exposition is just death, but this was fine.
BFG Series Qualifier: GunStorm v. Bad Influence
Some weirdness from Spike here, as the opening segment was done widescreen from what I presume was the HD version, but then when they return from commercial for this, it’s back to regular 4×3 aspect again. That kind of thing drives me CRAZY. I can only assume the one responsible was fired right after the show. Storm controls Daniels with a suplex and kneedrop, and the champs double-team him for two. Gunner with a fallaway slam on Kaz, but he gets tripped up and the heels take over. Doesn’t last long as Storm quickly gets a hot tag and slams Kaz for two. Gunner comes in as it’s BONZO GONZO and hits Kaz with a high knee, but Daniels breaks up the Waterboard. Storm with the backstabber on Daniels and codebreaker on Kaz, but Daniels hits him with the belt and Kaz gets the win at 4:31. At least Storm can’t choke this year. This is the better result anyway because the heels need it more, and it sets up a tag title program. **1/2
Meanwhile, Crimson returns. He was so upset about that loss last year that he hasn’t been back since.
BFG Series Qualifier: Crimson v. Joseph Park
Crimson lays him out with a clothesline and they fight on the floor, and back in for some knees and a neckbreaker. Spinebuster, but a blind charge misses and Park rolls him up for the pin at 2:41. I don’t know if anyone even remembered Crimson. ½*
Velvet Sky is out and god help us, she’s cutting a promo. She brings out Mickie James, because she has MEDICAL CLEARANCE to wrestle again, and the paper to prove it. Velvet is being such an idiot, just totally getting trolled by James. Mickie points out that she had clearance yesterday, but today her knee appears to be hurt again, and then she lays out Velvet to prove it.
BFG Series Qualifier: Magnus v. Matt Morgan v. Kenny King v. Rob Terry
This is the infrequently-used four corners rules, where two guys wrestle at a time and the other two have to tag in. Morgan beats on Terry in the corner with occasional flourishes from King, but Magnus tags himself in and cleans house. He puts King down and follows with the flying elbow for two. Everyone hits their finishes and Magnus pins King at 4:45. Thank god. This was a total trainwreck. ½*
Sting is out to talk about his future, and he’s decided to resurrect the Main Event Mafia to deal with Aces & Eights. NO MORE FACTIONS! PLEASE!?
BFG Series Qualifier: Eric Young v. Austin Aries
The clip of Young’s TV show before the match is pretty funny, actually, with Young and ODB meeting up in a Minnesota ice bar and riffing on still being tag champions and “married”. They trade some mat stuff to start and Aries bails, which gives Young and ODB a chance to clown on him. Back in, Young gets a dropkick for two. Back in, Aries chokes him down and comes in with a slingshot senton for two. Taz is really funny just busting on Young non-stop (“The Cheez Whiz-like beard of Eric Young…”), and EY makes the comeback as Aries bumps all over. Aries hits the floor and Young follows with a pescado, and back in for the belly to belly for two. To the top, but a kiss from ODB distracts him and Aries finishes things with the brainbuster at 6:02. That was never particularly in doubt. Kind of wish they could do a longer, more serious match than this was. **
Meanwhile, The Aces conspire to make Anderson the winner of their battle royale. What kind of a fiend would rig the result of a professional wrestling match?
Meanwhile, Chris Sabin feels like perhaps he could have been the guy winning the World title last year. No, Chris. No, you couldn’t have.
BFG Series Qualifier: Aces & Eights Battle Royale
Anderson does goofy eliminations of Brisco, Bischoff, Knux and Devon, but Doc decides to stand his ground. This gets a surprisingly big reaction, but Anderson tosses him anyway to win at 3:46. This was a joke, but at least they were up front about it.
Meanwhile, the Aces are squabbling, but Doc promises to take out AJ and make it up to them.
BFG Series Qualifier: AJ Styles v. Kurt Angle
Styles has cool new blues music to go with his brooding teenage girl character. AJ with the dropkick and a backbreaker. They slug it out and AJ gets the suplex, but Angle blocks a second one and AJ steps up with a suplex into the corner instead. We take a break with Rampage watching, and return with AJ still in control outside. Angle comes back with a suplex on the floor, and back in for a backbreaker that gets two. Suplex gets two, but AJ fights back with a pretty awesome series of strikes to put Kurt down. The spinning backfist into the clothesline was particularly choice. Springboard forearm gets two. Angle gets the rolling germans, but AJ counters an Angle Slam into a DDT for two. Blind charge misses and Angle gets the slam for two. Anklelock, but AJ reverses into his toehold, which Angle reverses back again. AJ puts him down with a spinkick and DDTs him into the corner. The Aces try the run-in, but Angle fights them off and AJ rolls up Angle for the pin at 15:22. Well so much for Doc’s plan. They decide to beat up Angle instead, but Rampage makes the save. Usual high-level from these two, although AJ’s character is so flattened out now that the crowd barely cares about him anymore. ***1/2
The Pulse
Pretty skippable week, although there was nothing I’d call terrible on it. This AJ character is dying fast, although with top guns like Joe Park and Hernandez in the BFG Series he should have a pretty clear path to winning it. The company continues to be directionless, so hopefully this will give them something to aim for.
