The Bachelorette: Dez – Episode 5 Review

I hate to sound like a broken record here, people…but are you not just as BORED as I am???  Like really, REALLY bored???

At least on the bright side, I was finally able to confirm something I’ve wondered every season as I admire the adorable combo of pairing a mini dress with cowboy booties all these years.  Yes, the contestants’ wardrobes on this show are styled for them.  Seeing those boys lined up in a row on the couch like they’re at an American Apparel hoodie launch party or the sneak peak at the fall/winter 2014 collection of men’s coats from Canada Goose on the group date, not to mention Ben’s and Michael’s coordinated purple and grey ensembles on the two-on-one pretty much proved that beyond the shadow of a doubt.  Sadly, due to budget cuts or something even more unfortunate, like Dez wanting to prove herself as a designer (to, oh I don’t know, further her own career whilst on the show?) Dez’s wardrobe is not.  It’s just getting worse and worse.  And worse.   

The way this episode was teased to us at the beginning, I thought (hoped!) we were going to be so devastated by the end we would have confirmed that at least eight guys were serial rapists or something.  But no, that action is actually going to be torturously spread out for us at a snail’s pace, all season long.  Great.

Once again, I tried to go into last night’s sausage fest with a positive attitude.  I had my best lederhosen pressed, I served Wurst for dinner (I’m so lying) and I learned the equivalent to “can I get a what what!” in yodel (again, lying.  Bored).

From the moment Chris busted out the Guten Morgen and for sure had to do 37 takes before he properly pronounced the hotel name, I knew it was going to be a ‘holperige Fahrt

The first one on one date went to Chris, who busted out his best German accent for the moment (which by the way, is not hot) and there wasn’t even a flutter of excitement stirring within me.  Yes Chris is a really nice guy, and I like his confidence, he’s not bad looking, etc.  But he’s so plain.  So Matzah (the Jewish equivalent to calling someone vanilla and yes I am purposely busting out the Jewish terms because this episode is taking place in Germany – booyah!)

Do I need my man to open doors for me?  Yes, that would be nice, thank you.  Do I need him to be concerned about my stress level and do everything he can to ease any burden or pain I may be feeling?  Yes.  But do I need him to frolic and skip for me in a town square?  No.   There are really no secret ‘deal-breaker’ lists of the perfect man in my possession, where skipping in a must. 

Chris handled the Bryden situation like a true gentleman – you could tell in that moment where Bryden (creepily watched and) interrupted their date, that Chris’s first reaction was totally, sincerely just nice.  Personally, though Bryden is a swell guy and all that, I couldn’t have cared less that he was leaving.  In fact, it was right up there with Brian having a girlfriend (who, by the way, he is apparently back together with – another giant leap forward for womankind…sigh).

Bryden took about 14 hours of screen time to come to the conclusion that it was time for him to go and after a few sniffles, a lovely dinner (though it would have been nice for someone to take Dez’s coat, no?) yet another private concert (haven’t we seen this guy before???), a brutal poem (honestly, any poem crafted and read under these circumstances is brutal – even if it’s good) and some awkward kissing which involved neither party tilting their head whatsoever, all was right in the world again.  Have you guys noticed though, how desperate Dez is to kiss every guy?  She is always making the first move and often it seems like she is leaping towards their faces, like she can’t kiss them fast enough.  Interesting.

Back at the house, the guys are having their hoodie fest and we’re all trying desperately to figure out what happened to Michael’s hair.  Is this Fraggle Rock?  And if his hair weren’t bad enough, it gets even more awkward when we realize that he and Ben are going on the dreaded two-on-one date.  Amazing.

I really don’t know why Michael must link every interaction with Ben back to war and crime.  This is not Armageddon.  You do not need to murder anyone or have anyone convicted of any crime.  You are not a friggin’ gladiator.  You are on The Bachelorette, dude.  Can you just chill?

The next day it’s group date time and we head into the German Alps, which are unreal.  I would LOVE to get onto one of those sleds and motor down that mountain, though I was pretty convinced that someone would end up with a severed head or at the very least, another broken finger (we still don’t know what happened to Michael’s thumb, right?).  It seems like every guy there is convinced he and Dez share something unique and special.  You’ve got James, telling  anyone who will listen about how deep their connection is and then there’s Mikey, who tells us he really wants to work things out with Dez.  Truthfully, I’m not sure if he’s referring to their relationship, or if this meathead just wants her to spot him while he benches, but whatever.

I was hoping we could just get right into the fun part, but of course, what’s a group date without some form of embarrassment right?  Nothing like forcing a group of men to yodel against their will to prove their love to you, right?  Sadly, I think that moment was the only time Juan Pablo has opened his moith in the last three episodes.

Other than crashing into each other at breakneck speeds, the fun and frolicking seemed to go off without a hitch and that hidden snow-tel (though it TOTALLY freaked me out – what if it collapses???) was amazing.  It was like a hand job blanket wonderland in there!  And there are many points in time on the date where either the guys were shivering under those blankets or having the first ever Bachelorette circle jerk.  I guess we’ll never know. 

Obviously my favourite part of the date was anything to do with Brooks – because I do heart him just a little bit and I am PRAYING he is the one she picks in the end.  It hurt my heart that he witnessed James maneuvering his brick wall of a body to get cozy with Dez and I was so happy he got the rose from her in the end.  Clearly though, James was pretty distraught by this fact – between his scarf, chapped lips and side flip, he looked like he’d been wandering in the Arabian desert for years.

Zak also, though the poor guy still has barely had any time with her, still continues to surprise me.  His moving story about how he almost committed to the cloth and then finally decided to commit to his abs instead was a bit out of left field.  Though he is full of cheesy moment-stealers and gimmicks to get her attention (see:  topless intro, notebook, acoustic serenade, yodelling mating call), they seem less brutal coming from him for some reason (and we now know he’s a good kisser).  And, now that the orange hue of his spray tan is fading slightly in the brisk Nordic winds, he looks a bit more human and less plastic.  I’m crossing my fingers for a one-on-one date with him for next week just to see what he’s all about.

I’ll admit I paid absolutely zero attention to the show for a few minutes at this point, though I can confirm that my nail polish has been properly peeled off and my cuticles are now nice and trimmed.  Ben and Michael were staring each other down, with Chris awkwardly on the sidelines in preparation for their date and frankly, my nails were just more interesting at that point.  I’m sure they got a card that says ‘two guys, one rose, one stays, one goes’, because that’s what it says every season.  Even if I had watched, nothing could have prepared me for how brutal that date would be.

I knew it wasn’t going to end well, when Ben started dropping the Christian bomb.  This again?  Didn’t we have enough of that with Sean?  Good lord…I think Dez said it best when she remarked that this date would be super awkward, but that she was kind of looking forward to it.  Ditto.

Usually, on the two-on-one dates the two competitors spend time trying to promote themselves instead of blatantly bashing the other one.  And that is what Ben was trying to do.  But Michael was having none of it.  He started out subtle, alluding on the bench that he enjoys a bit of confrontation, and by the time he was sporting his bathrobe sash ninja headgear and they were in that weird hot tub boat (sidebar:  amazing), things were sinking fast.

Way to go, Dez.  Let’s see.  How can we make this date less awkward?  Well, they can barely sit on the same bench together.  Let’s hang out in a hot tub, in the middle of a freezing lake where there’s no escape!

I’ve never seen anyone as blatantly relentless as Michael was.  In about ten minutes flat, he had questioned Ben’s abilities as a father, questioned his moral and religious faith and ccused Ben of being there for the wrong reasons.  And you know who came out looking better here in my opinion?  Ben all the way.  He took it pretty well – controlling the seething rage that was no doubt burning inside his God-fearing heart and didn’t stoop to Michael’s pathetic, horribly unattractive level.  Everything about Michael bothered me on this date.  His giant boobs.  The way he wouldn’t look Ben in the eye when he was trying to put him down, like a child, tracing their guilty finger on a random surface in denial about the fact that they just shit themselves, or punched their sister or something like that.  Or the fact that he likened Ben not talking to Brody to his own daddy abandonment issues.  If I were Ben I would have had more than a few choice words by that point. 

I have no idea what Dez was thinking giving Michael the rose (or wearing that blazer for that matter – is she 85???)  Fine, you have some doubts about Ben and his intentions, or maybe the spark has faded.  Whatever.  But can you honestly see yourself with the biggest tattletale ever?  Someone you have NO chemistry with, given that it was not only a hostile date, but completely unromantic – so much so that Dez had to double fist red and white wine just to get through the night and I don’t think she and Michael even kissed when she gave him the rose?  If ever there was a time to use the phrase’ Jeez Louise’, this would be it.  But I won’t.  She should have put them both out of their misery.  I would have loved to see that awkward limo ride.  I don’t blame Ben one bit for wanting to get wasted and make the most of his last night in Germany after escaping that prison of a date (can Christians make Shizer videos?)  So what if he’s a dick.  Who cares? 

Back at the house, as James is giving Mikey a drunken face job in one room, the other guys are planning how to reveal James’ plan to hook he and Mikey up post-show like the 1940’s gangsters they apparently are.  I’ll own this town?  Who says that? 

The evening event approaches and once again, Dez is wearing a BRUTAL dress and some sort of cloak action.  I don’t get it.  Have a look at her outfits on Sean’s season.  Adorable!  I still remember the red dress she wore the first night that she designed – it was stunning – and I don’t even like red!  Why has she gone so wrong with her fashion choices this season?  Is she doing it on purpose to help take some of the spotlight off of Mikey, who I kid you not, is once again wearing the purple gingham shirt with the black tie and grey pants?  You thought I was exaggerating last week until I was right again this week, huh?  Yeah I know.  Do they have dry cleaning service for the guys?  Cuz I can only imagine the body odor he must have wearing that shirt so many times, on nights fraught with tension and anxiety.  Maybe that’s why she let him go this week.

As soon as the cocktail party really got going, my TV started having pixilation issues and freezing so I really have no idea what the guys were saying to each other while they waited for Dez to arrive.  Oh well.  And I pretty much fast-forwarded the actual rose ceremony just to see who got the boot (but paused long enough to see Drew literally holding back vomit in his mouth from the anxiety of James getting picked). 

So we’re left with Zak, Kasey, Juan Pablo (one more week tops, right?), Drew, James, Michael, Brooks and Chris.  Will James survive the accusations next week or be sent packing?  Will there even be any guys left for Dez to fall in love with by the end of this thing? Will Juan Pablo ever speak?  Will Michael have another tantrum?  Will…oh, sorry.  I just fell asleep.

Till next week…

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