Time again for another TNA One Night Only Pay Per View! According to that bastion of all things stupid, this was filmed on March 19, 2013 at Orlando, Florida, though not aired until July 5.
Here’s a thought: what if, heaven forbid, someone dies between the filming and broadcasting of one of these things? Would they cut that bit? Still show it? Would they admit they filmed it all those months ago and call it a tribute? Or would we just be led to believe he came back from the dead just to do a PPV appearance? Or do I think about this sh*t way too much?
1) What is it with lens flare?! Who told anyone anywhere that was a good thing to do?
2) Generic opening doesn’t bode well.
3) The video package of various hardcore brutality bits to a Red Hot Chilli Peppers wannabe band was well done and suitably violent.
4) Street fight tag team match first. New Church (Slash and Sinn) against LAX (Hernandez and Homicide). What, did I turn on a 2005 PPV by accident? And where is the sinister minister James Mitchell?
5) Wow, sloppy way to start a PPV! Hearing Tenay and Borash talk about the history of brutal matches these wrestlers had had over the years was more interesting than anything in the ring. The crowd was dead as well.
6) Finally we go outside, and it doesn’t get any better, but Hernandez does get to wear a hard hat. Is this the return of 1990s stalwarts Men At Work? Tune into Impact to find out! (Clue: the answer is no.)
7) Hernandez does a top rope drop splash on Slash for the LAX win. 5.5/10
8) ODB with a short interview followed by a video package makes the women’s match seem important.
9) Hardcore Knockouts Match next. Jackie Moore v ODB. Judging by the comments about ODB being the women’s ref, I feel that maybe the commentary is put in after the match.
10) “This is awesome!” chant when ODB enters the ring? WTF are the crowd on tonight? And where can I get me some?
11) Oh, now I see what a women’s hardcore match is! They have brooms and cans of hairspray, mousse gel, hair straighteners and other women’s things! Stereotypes and sexism are alive and well!
12) This match is dull. I’ve seen more brutal street fights in Commodore 64 text-based RPGs.
13) “Sweep her up, Jackie, sweep her up!” And this chant, ladies and gentlemen, passes as wit amongst the TNA crowd as Moore hits ODB with a broom.
14) ODB spits booze into Moore’s face and hits the Samoan drop for the pin. 4.5/10
15) Kazarian and Daniels deliver an entertaining promo that doesn’t even put down their opponents.
16) Ladder match video montage was short, sharp and shiny.
17) Ladder match for a $20,000 cheque. Generation Me (Jeremy & Max Buck) v Bad Influence (Kazarian & Daniels). On paper this should be good.
18) Starts off as a ladder match cliché and then… wow. Kazarian hits a cutter from the top of the ladder, drop toe hold with the ladder around the neck, Kazarian took a nasty bump halfway onto a ladder… just some awesome moves.
19) HOLY SHIT! A Buck (I can’t tell them apart) was on the ladder, Daniels pushed it over (as you do), but Buck jumped to the top rope and then did a high springboard somersault plancha onto Kazarian outside. I mean… WOW!
20) Daniels’ reactions are amazing.
21) After Daniels throws an appletini into the face of Max Buck, Kazarian climbs to get the cheque and the win. 8/10, and one of the better TNA matches of the year.
22) Video package for next month’s One Night Only: Reunion 10 PPV makes it seem like a big deal.
23) Joseph Park interview. He doesn’t have a match, but brought his gear anyway. Oh, here’s James Mitchell (where was he earlier?), with Judas Mesias, threatening Park because of something Abyss did years ago. I cannot stand Joseph Park, and my loathing grows with every time I see him.
24) Video recap of what we’ve seen so far because I have such a short attention span I can’t remember 3 matches. Blah.
25) Post-match interview with Bad Influence “walking the path to destiny one appletini at a time”.
26) Hardcore gauntlet battle royal is next. We start with Devon Storm (with golf club) and Little Guido (with cleaning thing). It’s over the top rope elimination rules, and every competitor brings their own weapon to the ring with 2 minutes between men. At least it’s different.
27) Crimson in next (with umbrella). Sam Shaw (with walking cane) is next. Shaw brings the crowd to life. Briefly. Johnny Swinger (with a crutch) is next. Swinger is out (via little Guido). That was 20 seconds well spent. Guido works on Crimson’s legs and does it well. Funaki (with plastic guardrail) is next. Guido out (via Funaki). Gunner (with a police baton) is next. More details indicating commentary is placed in later (that and the fact Borash is ring announcing and commentating, which Tenay mentions and jokes about). Storm out (via Gunner). Too Cold Scorpio (with broom) is next. Scorpio looks like Virgil. Poor guy. Shaw out (via Scorpio). Nicely too. Shark Boy (with sack) is next and last. Funaki out (via Scorpio and Shark Boy). Scorpio out (via Gunner & Crimson). Gunner & Crimson working as a team. They look in the sack and we have bad acting 101. Shark Boy with a pair of stunners. Shark Boy pulls a real live dead shark out of the bag and uses it as his weapon. (“Holy fish!” the crowd chants… I’ll give them that one). Crimson out (via Shark Boy). Gunner out (via Shark Boy). Shark Boy wins! Hell, I was entertained. 6.5/10
28) Aces & 8s talk, but without Bully Ray. Generic heel promo.
29) Bully Ray promo. Good, but long. Very long.
30) Six-man hardcore elimination tag team match. Aces & 8s (Doc, Knux and Wes Brisco) v Magnus, James Storm and a Mystery Partner.
31) Well, I wasn’t expecting that – the mystery partner is Bob Holly!
32) Standard 6-man tag to start. Very standard.
33) After what feels like half an hour finally weapons get involved. This match is dull.
34) Suddenly, in like 45 seconds, Knux is eliminated by Bob Holly who is eliminated by Wes Brisco who is eliminated by Magnus who is eliminated by DOC. What happened? Did they forget it was supposed to be eliminations and somebody reminded them? What an odd match.
35) Ending finally comes about a minute later when Storm pins DOC after a last call superkick. Unfortunately dull match 6/10
36) Interesting look back at the 2007 Monster’s Ball match – Barbed Wire Massacre 2.
37) Park is backstage looking for Abyss. Bad acting 101, part 2. This is leading to Park in the Monsters Ball… and my heart sinks a little.
38) Monster’s Ball match. Judas Mesias against Joseph Park. Oh God.
39) Long, dull match. (Cheese grater to the testicles was an interesting attack by Park, however.) Park plays scared, gets beat up, bleeds, goes all Abyss, then Park wins with a black hole slam. He then goes to beat up Mitchell, snaps back to Joseph Park mode and… that’s it. Dull, non-violent and I’ve seen more blood at a lawn bowls tournament. The lamest Monster’s Ball ever. 3.5/10
40) Team 3-D promo against Brother Runt, who is fighting 3-D with a Mystery partner. Devon calls him “Spike’… isn’t that name owned by WWE nowadays?
41) Holy Sh*t table moments video recap. I still wince at some of them.
42) Tables tag team match. D-Von & Bully Ray against Brother Runt and his Mystery Partner. Obviously Mystery Partners are the thing du jour this month.
43) Bully Ray’s in-ring promo is not a brilliant one.
44) Well, there you go, the Mystery Partner – Jeff Hardy. Yay.
45) Another dull match in a series of them tonight. It was a standard tag team match, then tables got involved, and it feels like everything is going at 33 1/3 when it was recorded at 45 (I’m old; deal with it). Jeff Hardy splashed D-Von through a table… but just. It looked like the table wasn’t going to break. 6/10
46) Well, certainly the least of the One Night Stand PPVs. By far. With an average match rating of 5.7, virtually no blood (in a Hardcore PPV?) and repeated booking, this was not good. But there was a brilliant ladder match, a nice surprise in Bob Holly and an entertaining battle royal, so it wasn’t a complete loss.
Tags: Aces and Eights, Bad Influence, Bob holly, Bully Ray, crimson, Daniels, Funaki, Generation Me, gunner, hardcore justice, James Storm, Jeff Hardy, Joseph Park, kazarian, magnus, ODB, One Night Only, PPV, Shark Boy, Team 3-D, TNA