Ding, dong, the bitch is dead! And, by bitch I mean the whiny bitch that was Michael. Okay, so I’m a little less satisfied than I thought I’d be with Michael’s departure, namely because last night he was probably the least annoying he’s ever been. I’m not sure if it’s because having him go on a one-on-one date kept him away from the other guys so he couldn’t physically stir up any drama, or because all we really needed to see was who he was as an individual away from all the house shenanigans. Either way, though he handled his departure well and made some really nice statements throughout the episode, too little, too late, buddy. And he’s a lawyer. Of course he knows what to say.
I also know what to say. Holy Madeira, people. Um…can I go there? Like now? Seriously, if I had known Dez was looking for some girl time in Madeira to help guide her on her ‘journey’, I totally would have been her bestie for a few hours in exchange for a free trip! And, surely I would have given waaaaayyyy better advice than Jackie, right??? Can you imagine? I have to agree with Drew on this one, people. This place was built for love. Ew, did I just say that?
No sooner has Dez unpacked her bags, and Michael has solidified his desire for an American Apparel spokes-model gig by wearing that blue hoodie for the 48th time, then she heads to the pool to meet the girls and determine if any of the remaining dudes are husband PO-tential. I was all excited to see who would be there and what sort of hilarious interrogations the guys would have to endure during their visit. But instead, we got Catherine, in all her awkward glory, reminding me subtly once again, that I’m just not that into her, Lesley, who was abnormally quiet since from what I remember she was the one with the sense of humour last season (perhaps seething jealousy over Dez being the Bachelorette is stopping her from coming out of her shell?) and Jackie who was…well, Jackie. Other than giggling themselves silly over the potential size of the guys’ packages (for the record, I agree Chris might just be the one to take first place – that unexpected element of surprise, ya know?) and polishing up on their stalking skills, can someone explain to me why they were there again? I guess Catherine has some free time on her hands, since her wedding to Sean has been postponed. Oh…snap!
So my little Brooksie gets the first one on one. It’s about time he had some alone time with Dez again for more than six minutes. I mean, they are going to be getting engaged soon – I don’t think spending a bit of time together is too much to ask.
I really wish Dez would let the guys drive on occasion. It’s so emasculating to always see them in the passenger seat, especially in these little chickmobiles she drives around, no? Call me old-fashioned (or just lazy), but most of the time, when my husband and I are in the car together, I’m not behind the wheel. He may argue that it’s my tail-gaiting, speed-limit passing, break-slamming style that keeps him firmly planted in the driver’s seat, but I’m just making sure he’s paying attention! Whatever. You should see me parallel park a minivian. I friggin rock.
Anyhoodles…Brooks and Dez set off on their road trip, where the conversation gets a bit weird. Don’t get me wrong. I still like them, and I think more than ever that they are probably the best suited to each other on the show. However, what’s with the talking about conversations that would be fun to have? Why don’t you just have them?
And don’t get me started on your use of the word adjectives. Um…I hate to be the one to break the bad news here, but as a former University English major who wrote pretty much every essay for every friend I had from the time we learned how to structure a paragraph (totally an even trade if I could cheat off of them in math, right?), I find this deeply disturbing. Running, stepping, puking…not adjectives. Not even frolicking is an adjective. When I heard the whole adjectives discussion in the car, which was later further discussed again in the wrong context, I started to get a bit concerned.
Then this morning, as I eagerly looked up Michael G’s last name to find out what religion he was so I could make some remark about his Jewish mother on the phone last night (sidebar: he’s Roman Catholic. From a guilt perspective, that’s basically the same thing), I came across copies of the audition questionnaires the guys had filled in. So of course I got curious (not the best choice of activity at 6 AM when you have to write as much as possible before waking your kids and getting them off to camp and daycare) and checked out Brooks’s. When asked ‘what do you do for a living and how important is your career to you?’, Brooks’ answer was the following: “I feel that we get caught up in defining who we are by what we do. I am not so concerned with the perception of others. If my work becomes dull or boring but is prestigious, I’ll change it.” Um, sketchy much??? Way to totally avoid the question, Dude. This isn’t a beauty pageant, buddy. Can we dig a little deeper? Are you educated at all? Do you even have a job? Are you homeless? Is Brooks even your real name? You’re still hot and funny, but mama needs a new pair of shoes.
Despite the gross misuse of literary terms, you can’t really beat a date in the actual clouds and that trumps an awkward private concert by some C list celebrity at the Peach Pit After Dark any day, right? I do love the interaction between the two of them – they really are just very natural – even the way they snuggle seems so cozy. And I like the fact that Brooks is holding back a little and isn’t pushing himself to fall for her and is taking the time to make sure it’s what he wants and it’s not just Dez in control all the time. Brooks always says the right thing and takes his time and I could totally see the two of them together for a long time.
Of course, not to be outdone by the majestic mountains and clouds, we have to throw in a crazy fireworks show to cap the night off (and a not so awesome sweater, Brooks). Seeing those fireworks actually makes me sad. Will my kids ever see fireworks as good as the ones on reality dating shows? Will our $65 kit at the cottage on long weekends that end up looking more like a firework had a bad case of indigestion than a full-on spectacular extravaganza ever be enough? Sigh.
Back at the house, Chris receives the date card, and other than referencing a potential future fist pump, he seems basically void of enthusiasm. The date begins with the four remaining guys watching Chris and Dez skip off towards – of course – a gorgeous yacht and begin the obligatory sunscreen-on-a-yacht application scene from every season.
If I had a dollar bill for every time I heard Dez squeal ‘this is so cool!’ on this date, well then, I’d actually be American because we don’t have dollar bills. But you get my point. She says it A LOT.
Despite the lack of anything too exciting on their date, and the gnawing feeling inside me that Chris was suffering from rhyme withdrawal – I think at one point I could actually see him start to twitch – I enjoyed taking in the scene on their date. How could you not? Honestly, is there any place more beautiful? Of course, once we got settled in the meadow for our picnic though, it was only a matter of time before Chris busts out the message in a bottle plan, and while the whole concept is romantic and cute, the idea of writing a poem with someone is excruciating. What is this, a group project at school for bonus marks? I would have loved for Dez to just be like, ‘uch can we just not?’ But of course, she was all over it and we had to spend the next ten minutes listening to them find words that rhyme with forevermore. Awesome.
And then, later at dinner, just in case their message in a bottle poem wasn’t up to par, Chris saves the day with yet another poem in his back pocket, after admitting to her that it’s great growing up with lots of siblings because then you don’t need friends. Huh? Have you ever even had a girlfriend, or did your sister fill in that role too?
Clearly I am having major issues with the whole poetry thing – I’m sorry, I just can’t handle it – but Dez seems to be soaking up every cheesy syllable, so you know what? More power to him. If that’s how he wants to express himself, he might as well go balls out. It seems to be working.
And then, finally, Michael gets a date with Dez, who’s wearing the worst sweater I’ve ever seen and who is eager to find out, as she says in her interview if ‘Michael is too vulnerable’ for her (which in a dictionary of what people really mean when they say certain things, you can just look up the term ‘pussy’.) From the produce sampling, to the local shopping, to Michael gaily prancing around town with a bag full of flowers, to their ride on the toboggan where they didn’t touch or hold each other at all and you could tell Michael was going to shit himself, this date was deeply situated in the friend zone. We all knew once they actually had time to be alone together that the friend zone is where it would end up, and other than an awkward kiss where Dez’s bottom lip stuck so far away from her mouth it looked like she had gotten trapped licking an icy pole, that’s pretty much where it stayed.
I’ll give Michael some credit. Once you strip away the layers of whiny, meddling, condescending brat, he had some really nice things to say, especially about where he wants to be in life and how his deadbeat dad has inspired him to be a good father, but as I said before, too little too late. I could totally picture what a fight would be like with Michael if I were his girlfriend – he’d be patronizing, jealous, suspicious and unlikely to let you get a word in edgewise. Um…no thanks.
Onto Zak and Drew, who have a steady flow of blood racing to their loins as they check out Dez pulling off her helmet Top Gun style on the race track.
Zak totally schooled Drew in the go-kart race, as we knew he would, but it looks like it was all for naught. Though they did have some nice one-on-one time together and I couldn’t have drawn those pictures which seem to have been hidden in a bush somewhere any better than Zak did, it wasn’t enough. How can you compete with a cozy perch of tires adorned with a blanket and the opportunity to pick up someone’s mentally handicapped sister and bring her home for a visit? Judge me if you want, but you all know that’s TV gold and I’ll probably be sobbing next week watching it. Not to mention, I’ll take Drew’s hot arms cupping my face and kissing me with his rabbit mouth any day over Zak’s perma-dimples.
Finally, after what finally seems to be a successful week where no one ups and leaves, or lies to Dez or gets into a fight of some sort, Dez even gets into the spirit by finally not wearing a hideous rose ceremony dress. Sure the front could have been a tad bit sexier with a more interesting neckline, but there’s no denying, the back of that dress brought sexy back.
She starts out by shooting the breeze with Chris Harrison where she fully admits to being at the finish line with Brooks. Um, spoiler alert? You were just picking up into a trot a few days ago and now you’re at the finish line? Even Chris couldn’t hide his surprise. Well Dez, I certainly hope you end up picking Brooks now. Can you imagine Chris or Drew’s disappointment (we know it’s not going to be Zak, right? He’ll be gone next week) if they get chosen and then watch this episode? I mean the girl full-on cried when talking about Brooks (so obviously, I did too). Doesn’t get more real than that, right?
It’s no surprise then when Brooks, looking absolutely adorable, gets called first and when Michael gets called, well, not at all. Again, Michael chooses his words carefully and actually comes off as a gentleman in his departure, even managing to throw a final ‘quite frankly’ in there for good measure.
Michael, I can’t say I’ll miss you, though apparently there are a whole bunch of people that will. When I was checking out his profile earlier as mentioned, there were tons of comments from fans who were totally crazy for Michael and pushing for him as the next Bachelor. Seriously? I’m just letting you all know now – if Michael is the next Bachelor, I am taking a seasonal hiatus. I shit you not.
Michael ends the episode with a call to his mommy, whose neurotic mom accent comes pouring through the phone (why else would I automatically assume he’s Jewish?) eager to comfort him when he gets home.
And next week, looks like hometowns are full of action, between Chris’s dad fully copping a feel (that’s a first!), to the Von Trapp family reunion in Zak’s living room, to Dez’s brother polishing off his nunchucks (I always thought it was with an M – who knew?). Let the hometown games begin! Till next week!
Tags: the bachelorette, The Bachelorette 2013