Interinactivity Summer Bash 2013: Day 2 – Shaemus, Mark Henry & The Miz

Welcome to the Interinactivity Summer Bash 2013! It’s going to be a fun week. I had WAY more responses to Interinactivity than I was counting on, so much that it had to be split into different parts to really be readable. So I’ve grouped them all into 5 articles, one for each day this week. They’re also separated somewhat by subject, for your convenience.

Monday: The Hardys, TNA, ROH & Chikara (responses to Scott Keith, Matt Harrak, CB, Zork & J-Train)
Tuesday: Shaemus, Mark Henry & The Miz (responses to CB, Swayze, Chris Sanders, Jonah Kue, Rhett Davis & PUSSBOT 3000)
Wednesday: Mid-Card Titles, Hall Of Fame, Older Wrestlers & Racism (responses to HH, IS, SS & W)
Thursday: CM Punk, The Shield & Reinvigorating Wrestling (responses to Mike Gojira, Steven Gepp, Jonah Kue, James Sawyer, Zork, Caleb Hamilton, & Wrestling Facts)
Friday: BD, Pulse History, Swayze & Commenters (responses to Martin Shaw, CB, James Sawyer, Chris Sanders, Bob Loblaw & Cynical Bastard)

(If you don’t see your entire comment one day, chances are I split it up to give the articles some flow so the rest of it will appear on a different day.) I won’t waste anyone’s time with a long intro, as there’s a lot of reading here as it is. Enjoy!

 

CB: I REALLY hope Wombat and Alsop pop in, it wouldn’t be Interinactivity without them. Or maybe even Hargrove and FUJ!

Jonah Kue: I’ll try my best Wombat call – deep breath – I LIKE SHITTY STORYLINES, WRESTLERS, AND HAVE NO LOGIC BEHIND MY CONDESCENDING TONE – I LIKE SHITTY STORYLINES, WRESTLERS, AND HAVE NO LOGIC BEHIND MY CONDESCENDING TONE.

BD: I tried, gents. I tried. I enjoy both gentlemen and wanted them on here. They’re like Eccleston refusing to do the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary, or the Lost guys not bringing back Mr. Eko for the final season.

 

FD Swayze: I hope someone asks about Sheamus or Mark Henry. Those are always fun.

BD: Well, you sure got your wish. In honour of the absent Alsop and Wombat, today we’re going to discuss their two favourite topics.

 

PUSSBOT 3000: Blair! Where have you been? You’ve missed all the amazingness of Wade, Sheamus (BROGUE BROGUE BROGUE), and Mark Henry! My question, Daddy, is how would you relate the legendary rise of Sheamus with the abysmal fan reaction of Daniel Bryan? I mean they chant the opposite of what he says for God’s sake!

BD: I’ve repeatedly asked you not to call me that.

I’m not even getting into the differences between how Shaemus and Bryan both came up, and how their rises differ.

I’m gonna say it again. I said this would happen. I said this EXACT thing would happen, and why, and people argued with me.

Now, go clean Swayze’s basement. Just because we started using you again doesn’t mean you’re not still a vacuum with a job to do. Just like how putting Curtis Axel back on TV doesn’t mean he still doesn’t have to help set up the ring before the shows.

 

Chris Sanders: But for realsies – short of murder, how would you fix Sheamus? He’s one step away from coming out to the ring with a ventriloquist dummy. Matt Striker can be the dummy…oh wait.

BD: First, I would take out a large insurance policy on Shaemus’ life, and I’d tell him he’s fired if he doesn’t sign. Then I would book a show in a very mountainous area, accessible only by prop engine plane. I would buy all the other seats so Shaemus is the only one on the plane, and then have the pilot parach…

… oh, SHORT of murder. I see what you’re saying.

There is no way to fix this guy. Turning him heel will help, but it doesn’t fix the root problem. It’s easier to get away with sucking ass and / or a negative reaction if you’re a heel. The reason for boos can be disguised as happening BECAUSE you’re a heel, and not because you suck ass and no one wants to see you. Lack of reaction is not as easy to deal with, however – being a heel doesn’t help as much with THAT, because it’s still very visible and hurts your credibility quite a bit. Wade Barrett has that problem worse than anyone right now.

Again, turning him heel doesn’t really fix the problem, but it does help. They’d run into the same thing if they tried to turn Barrett into a babyface. It wouldn’t work. They’re horrible. The Miz has the same problem Shaemus does at the moment.

By the way, since we’re on this exact subject – I’m calling it now. This Cody thing isn’t going to work. I always get surprised when fans are willing to get behind a guy after ONE good performance following years of complete apathy for him. It’ll be short-lived. Cody sucks. It won’t take people too long to remember that. Just remember, when it happens – I called it. Again.

 

Chris Sanders: Also Mark Henry – name 15 things that he do. And GO!

BD: 15 is a lot, but I’ll give it a go.

01) Injures himself out of action – back (1996)
02) Injures himself out of action – knee (1996)
03) Gets sent to developmental for conditioning and ring-work (2000)
04) Injures himself out of action – knee (2002)
05) Gets sent to developmental for conditioning and ring-work (2003)
06) Injures himself out of action – quad (2004)
06) Injures himself out of action – leg (2006)
07) Injures himself out of action – knee  (2012)
08) Injures himself out of action – unknown, probably knees (2012)
09) Injures himself out of action – unknown, probably knees (2013)
10) The KFC Double Down
11) Super-sizes (McDonalds)
12) Biggie-sizes (Wendy’s)
13) King-sizes (Burger King)
14) Queen-sizes (Dairy Queen… probably)
15) Enjoys deep and fulfilling personal relationships many with hospital staff members due to his numerous and lengthy visits

All those injuries and getting sent to the minors are real, by the way. In chronological order, even.

BONUS THING THAT HE DO: Carried the coffin for and was a pallbearer at Michael Clarke Duncan’s funeral. There’s really no reason for me to include this, other than I just saw that as a random fact on Wikipedia.

… okay, this just has to be said. How the WWE NOT run THAT as a gimmick for Henry instead of playing a lame generic monster heel who just happens to basically be crippled and therefore is not much of a monster heel?

That’d be awesome. WWE promotes the story of Henry being at Duncan’s funeral. Henry can tell an unbelievable story about how, when he was paying his respects to his dearly departed friend (I’m assuming he was a friend and not just some big black guy they saw walking around who looked like he could support the weight of Duncan’s casket) and then Duncan’s hand started to glow… then HENRY’S hand started to glow. He can tell the story all emotionally, and people can just assume he was distraught.

Then, Mark Henry becomes a sympathetic character, but instead of beating Ryback at WrestleMania, he loses via some underhanded tactics. He begins to support John Cena in Cena’s feud with Ryback which immediately follows. Ryback is destroying Cena, Cena is on his last legs. Henry comes down to ringside to cheer on his friend, and Cena can’t get to his feet. Henry can reach his hands through the ropes and be all “GIVE ME YO HAND, BOSS.” (Henry talks like he is about to do a remake of Amos & Andy at any moment as it is) and they can use some special effects to make Henry and Cena’s hands glow as they touch.

Cena then immediately gets his second wind, powered by Henry / Michael Clarke Duncan’s magic touch, and destroys Ryback and pins him. Cena and Henry embrace, as Henry sheds a tear of joy and looks up to the heavens and mouths “Thank you, Michael…” Donate some money to a charity that Duncan supported, or to Duncan’s estate, and Bob’s your uncle.

Fuck yeah! I just pulled that whole thing out of my ass. I’m awesome. It keeps Henry out of the ring and he can still do some of that “acting” that some of you got all wet over last month – and I understand why you thought this was so far above his other “acting”, let alone his wrestling. It’s because he’s being sympathetic and not attempting to actually do something physical, and not talking about being a “monster” which none of us believe because we all know he’s crippled and morbidly obese. I’ve said it before, but he looks like the fucking Kool-Aid man.

But at least he can still be sympathetic. It was the ONE thing people liked about his run with Cena last month. They’d give that man an Oscar for that little story I just wrote.

 

Rhett Davis: Soooo… if you had the choice between washing Mark Henry’s attire after he wrestles for a week, hanging out with Sheamus for an entire week without saying one negative comment about him, or watching a month worth of Miz matches back-to-back-to-back-to-back which would you do?

BD: Jesus. This is a horrible set of choices.

I couldn’t watch a month of Miz matches back-to-back because my mind would just shut down about 40 minutes in. I’d either immediately start searching for tools to kill myself with or my brain would just trigger an aneurism. (During my dying breath, I’d thank the aneurism.)

And I don’t really have the industrial-size washing equipment that would be required to clean anything that Mark Henry might wear. Maybe they’d let me borrow whatever they use to wash the pool cover at Sea World.

So, I suppose I’d hang out with Shaemus. If I’m being honest, this actually isn’t really all that horrible of an option. I just wouldn’t talk about wrestling, and then I wouldn’t have to say anything negative. The guy has gotta be a least a little fun to be around if backstage people like him as much as is reported, right? The dude could be a lot of fun personally – it’s just watching him in a wrestling capacity that puts people to sleep.

If I did have to talk about wrestling with him though, I imagine the conversation would go kind of like Stewie’s conversation with Matthew McConaughey.

* Begin Simulation *

BD: You know Shaemus, I may never get another chance to say this, so I just want to get this off my chest: you are just awful. You are one of the worst wrestlers in the history of wrestling, and I think that you need to go away.

Shaemus: Aw thanks, fella. The truth is, I spend at least 90% of my time in the gym, travelling to exotic places on WWE’s dime, having sex with my beautiful Diva girlfriends, and just working out with Triple H. I mean that’s really, that’s counting money right there, fella. Money that I made off those terrible matches and promos that I put out into the wrestling populous because they just love to see me, doing what it is that I do.

BD: Yes, but you’re not hearing me. Your one match with Bryan where he killed himself to make you look good, and one random match with Randy Orton from SmackDown in 2012 – those were the two things that were passable. Besides that…

Shaemus: Aw, thanks fella. That match with Randy, what an honour that was, fella. To work with a WWE legend of his stature was just such a huge feather in my cap. Matches with future WWE Hall Of Famers like him are what helped launch my career and make me a permanent fixture in the WWE Universe.

BD:

Shaemus:

BD: … besides that, EVERYTHING has been horrible. When you fought Randy again on RAW this year, the crowd did everything they could to let you know that the last thing they wanted to see was the match happening in front of them that you two were putting on. That Fatal Four-Way you had last year at the PPV, when you had the belt? They didn’t even need you. They didn’t even need you in that match. You spent over 80% of the match on the floor while the rest of the guys wrestled. They could’ve done the whole match without you. All you did was come in and hit your finisher and pin at the end.

Shaemus: I know, I said the same thing; but they were just like “aw, we just need a good, tough-looking Irish brawler that the people can relate to, who can just provide some good old-country enthusiasm in this match”. Something to counterbalance Alberto Del Rio – they took him to be slightly stereotypical, you know? If there’s one thing I hate, it’s cultural stereotype. So they put me in there – I said it didn’t make any sense. I said the same thing for The Shield match sealer this year. But they were like “oh, but the audiences need you”.

BD: You make me physically sick to my stomach, and I wish that you would get a heart attack.

Shaemus: I totally feel ya, fella. The truth of the matter is, I don’t like my work either. But fella, they just keep offering me money, and I do it, and I go around the world. I mean, did you see any of my matches against Barrett, Cody or Sandow? HAHA!

BD: You suck donkey ass.

Shaemus: Aye.

* End Simulation *

 

Well, that’s it for Day 2. Make sure to check out Day 3.

I want to thank everyone for participating in this. I said it already, but I didn’t expect this much response, and had a ton of fun writing this.

This has been “Interinactivity”. Thanks for reading and see you tomorrow.

I’ll be in my trailer.

Yours,
BD

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