THE RAGER! Total Divas starring Daniel Bryan.

Since Raw felt so disjointed (I’m blaming it on being taped) prepare to get a disjointed (at least more so than usual) RAGER this week.

So when did Vince’s character start hating Cena? I’m sure we can all chalk this up as a device to put more animosity between Cena and Daniel Bryan because god forbid we ever get two guys wrestling only because they both want the title, right? But did I miss something? Because Vince portrayed his distaste for Cena as an absolute fact that we all knew about beforehand. I don’t have a huge point to make about this, it just felt a bit random and weird turn for the power struggle angle.

The most disturbing thing about the pre-pre-taped Ryback segment wasn’t his viciousness, it wasn’t he’s fascination with putting people through tables. The most disturbing thing was how much food he managed to get into the ear of the poor jobber. An impacted ear is no laughing matter, friends.

As I stated earlier, WWE pre-taped all their shows as they are touring South Africa right now. A fact I’m sure Randy Orton is incredibly grateful for.

On Monday, it was announced that WWE will have a new PPV called “Battleground” which is a great name if it was a gimmick PPV. Now, I’m not sure if it will be a gimmick PPV but it will be the first of two that take place in October (the second being Hell in a Cell). Of course my concern lies within what we saw in the fall of 2011 when we had a stretch that felt like there was a PPV every other week and ended up with practically the same card in each one of those. 2012 felt much better paced and kept up with 12 PPVs but limited it to one per month. This year, it looks like we’ll be getting the same number of PPVs but we’ll be experiencing the fall crunch due to the extended time between WM29 and Extreme Rules so prepare yourselves for that.

As you may have heard, WWE is airing it’s annual watered-down one hour presentation of Wrestlemania on NBC this weekend. In preparation for this event, WWE.com posted their 5 favorite moments from WM29. I thought we should all take a look at this:

5: Fandango pulling off “the biggest upset in Wrestlemania history”
I’d be a little more willing to agree with this if the ending wasn’t as awkward as it ended up being. This entire moment felt a bit off because of the weirdness of the match. Wasn’t the best outing for Jericho and Fandango wasn’t exactly stellar.

4. “Diddy Rocks Wrestlemania”
This wasn’t even the best live musical performance of the night let alone in the top 5 moments of the night. It was a melody of his “best” “hits” and then the horrible theme song. We hated it, the crowded hated it. The makers of this list must be huge fans of horrible late 90’s rap.

3. “HBK Tunes Up the Band”
I guess if they were forced at gun-point to include a moment from Brock vs HHH II, why not choose this, right? To be honest, I completely forgot Shawn superkicked Heyman. The only thing I remember from that match was how horribly boring it was. Oh yeah, and HHH’s entrance where he was covered in dry ice.

2. CM Punk goes “Old School”
Alright, I’ll accept this. I’ve seen plenty of people try to mimic Taker’s “Old School” but I can’t remember any of those people be actually allowed to pull it off (if someone else did, pardon my forgetfulness). Punk was an interesting character to oppose Taker. Sure, the match felt a little shorter for the average Takermania match but it was still fun to watch.

1. The Metlife Stadium reaction to Rock vs Cena
The article made it sound like the place was coming unglued. However, pardon if I’m mistaken but I distinctly remember the crowd being very much against most of this match altogether, especially the end when Rock is holding up Cena’s arm.

1 out of 5, WWE.com. Do better.

I’ve been writing THE RAGER for 2 1/2 years now and I’d like to believe my readers and myself have a special bond. So much so that I can read your collective minds and decide what you all truly wish for me to cover. That being said, I now give you exactly what you’re all clamoring for…a Total Divas recap!
(You can thank Blair for recommending it)

So I’m not going to try to talk about the episode in the correct order because I watched it once and never shall my eyes fall onto that episode ever again. So instead, we’re gonna do a bit of free-form recapping.

My initial reaction to this show is that 50% of the Divas featured on the show really seem like decent people that have their heads screwed on right. The other 50% are completely psychotic maniacs that should be institutionalized for their own safety.
Exhibit A) Brie Bella is sharing the good news with her twin sister, Nikki, that she’s looking at engagement rings with her long-time boyfriend Daniel Bryan (who goes by his real name in the show). Nikki responds to the glorious news by promptly bringing everyone down because she’s sad that her no-so-long-time boyfriend John Cena (who very recently got divorced) has showed no interest in tying the knot in the near future. Really? You couldn’t choked down your pretend problem once and just be happy for your sister? And Brie, being the decent person in this situation, consoled her sister.
Exhibit B) Fakeadactyl (the one that was eliminated first on Tough Enough) drags her boyfriend to the Wrestlemania festivities. First of all, way to be the only Diva on the show that hasn’t bagged a wrestler of your own. Even your dactyl-mate landed an Uso. Then we have a moment where both of the dactyls are emotional after running through their ‘Mania match because apparently Brodus was fed up with their existence (can you really blame him?) and the boyfriend flips a switch. I kinda wished this guy was allowed to confront Brodus, guys like that do deserve to get stomped. And really what is that guy gonna do? Sure, Brodus isn’t in the best shape but he’s a professional wrestler that was also a bodyguard for Snoop Dogg so he probably could crush this guy without thinking about it. Fakeadactyl’s response to her boyfriend’s outburst? Oh he was just defending my honor, it’s all good. I really hope this is all scripted for her sake.

The saddest thing so far is the treatment of Natalya, something we’ve heard about in dirt sheets for years and now we get to see it. Right off the bat, we see how good she is in the ring only to be followed up by her being told that she won’t be on the Wrestlemania card, which was a week before WM29 so I’m assuming this was done just for the cameras because it’s not like she was in any sort of story at the time anyway. But right after being dealt this hard news, she’s then told that she has to babysit two developmental girls.

Speaking of, I’ve yet to form an opinion of either girl yet.

By far, my favorite thing about this show is, of course, Daniel Bryan. This is mainly because he should be everyone’s favorite in everything. I want to see Daniel Bryan fight a bear. I want to see Daniel Bryan have his own morning talk show. I want to see Daniel Bryan be the next batman.
But specifically I loved him further instigating his future sister-in-law’s sadness. Both Bellas were preparing food in the kitchen with their mother while DB sat at the table. Nikki was going on about her new car that was given to her by Cena. Nikki goes on about how she would still like a ring. DB, because he just wants to see the world burn, thinks out-loud about how usually the car is given AFTER the ring is already given. Classic troll, DB. Kudos

Yes, I know you may hate me for writing that recap/review but trust that it doesn’t come close to how much I hate myself for it. You’re welcome, Ragists. The show is about as scripted as the rest of WWE programming and it’s already on par with TNA numbers from what I’ve heard. I wouldn’t expect this show to last beyond a season or two.

We’ll have a special podcast later on this week featuring our guest Chasity Taylor from CWF Mid-Atlantic. but until then, catch up on last week’s which features the usual wrestling talk but also stories about girlfriends, Star Wars and yours truly breaks a huge Classy Ring Attire rule.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
Chris

The Answer: One of the most intellectually dishonest statements is “all babies are cute.”

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