The SmarK Rant for WWE Summerslam 2013
My first Summerslam rant in a lot of years. It’s historic!
So adventures in cutting the cable, week two. Hulu Plus is AWESOME, well worth all the headache of routing through a VPN and faking US addresses and such to access in Canada. I’ve got the PS3 set up for Canadian streaming on Netflix so I can get UFC and Spongebob, and the Xbox for US streaming with Hulu and Netflix US, so that pretty much covers everything but CBS shows. However, that’s what antennas are for, even though here in Saskatoon we literally only get two channels over the air, here in 2013. So far so good otherwise.
Live from Los Angeles, CA
Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL and Jerry Lawler
Ring Of Fire Match: Kane v. Bray Wyatt
So unlike an Inferno match, the ring of fire in the title is only there to keep the Wyatt Family away from the ring, which pretty much guarantees that it won’t. Kane pounds on him to start, but Wyatt gets a cheapshot to take over, before Kane suplexes him to cause a flare-up. That’s quite the suplex. Kane misses a charge and Wyatt puts him down with a bodyblock, which earns him a flare as well. At least the fire isn’t partisan. Nothing worse than a supernatural force that plays favorites. Kane boots him down and follows with a corner clothesline and the chokeslam. The family tries to extinguish the flames and help, but apparently they’re not familiar with how a gas-based flame works. Kane chokeslams Wyatt a few times, but this time a blanket gets tossed on the fire to smother it, allowing the inevitable run-in and beatdown. The crowd is pretty sure Undertaker is gonna make the save, but no one does, and Wyatt finishes with the downward spiral at 7:48. I really hate stipulation matches where the finish is based on someone defeating the entire purpose of the stipulation. In fact, I’m currently writing a top 10 list of Finishes That Make Me Want To Punch Vince Russo In The Face. This sort of thing will definitely be on there. *1/2
Damien Sandow v. Cody Rhodes
Cody slugs away and gets a backdrop out of the corner, and a front suplex for two. Tellingly, the crowd seems to be more on Sandow’s side here, probably because Cody has been booked like such a dick since his “face turn”. Sandow takes over with a suplex for two and counters out of Crossroads, which sets up the ELBOW OF DISDAIN. By the way, Google Translate says that should be “cubito fastidio”, so I hope someone got fired over THAT blunder. Sandow goes up and Cody brings him down with a slam for two. Cody makes the comeback with a springboard dropkick, but the disaster kick misses and Sandow hits a neckbreaker for two. Sandow with a sunset flip that Cody blocks for two, and the disaster kick gets two. Blind charge misses and Sandow gets a rollup for two. Cody finishes with the Crossroads at 6:40. Felt like it would have been better suited to a TV match, but it was fun and fast-paced. ***
World title: Alberto Del Rio v. Christian
Christian dumps him and we get the chase, but Christian gets the advantage off that before going up and taking an enzuigiri. Del Rio goes to work on the arm, but misses the charge and hits the floor. Back in, Christian comes back with a missile dropkick for two and a high cross for two, but the arm is still injured. Del Rio tries a suplex, blocked by Christian, but a backstabber gets two. He goes for the armbar, but Christian cradles for two. Del Rio hits him with an enzuigiri for two, but misses a senton and Christian gets a flying elbow. They fight to the top and Del Rio blocks a sunset flip, but Christian keeps coming with a rana for two. Del Rio blocks the spear with a dropkick for two. Great timing there. Del Rio goes for the armbar again, but Christian reverses out, and Del Rio superkicks him for two. Another try is reversed by Christian for two, and he follows with a spear out of nowhere. The arm is injured, though, and Del Rio gets the armbar. Christian fights like crazy, but taps at 12:29. They had a hell of a match on Smackdown two weeks ago and this was another great one, albeit a bit more abbreviated, but much faster paced. ***1/2
Natalya v. Brie Bella
Welcome to your weekly commercial for Total Divas. But I guess it’s working, so what do I know? They exchange slaps and Brie bails to the floor, allowing Nattie to get suckered out there for a cheapshot from Nikki and the other chick. Brie takes over while the crowd ignores the match and chants whatever dumb stuff comes to mind. Natalya gets the Sharpshooter, but Brie escapes for some reason and it’s the Battle of the E! Network Stars on the floor. Brie with a sunset flip for two and a knee on the ropes as this is way, way, way too long. Nattie mercifully finishes with the Sharpshooter at 5:18. ½*
Brock Lesnar v. CM Punk
Slugfest to start and Brock overpowers him, as we FINALLY get someone doing the David v. Goliath story against Brock. Brock throws him around the ring like a child and chokes away in the corner, but Punk throws knees and puts him on the floor. He follows with a suicide dive, but Brock just runs into him. Punk runs him into the post and follows with a double axehandle to the floor, and a clothesline off the announce table. Sadly, he decides to go after Heyman, and Brock clobbers him from behind and then biels him into the table. Now this is how you use Lesnar! They should pay Jeff Hardy a million dollars so Brock can throw him around the arena like a ragdoll and toss him off a stage or something. Brock with an overhead suplex on the floor, but Punk is still fighting in the ring. Brock casually swats him down again and goes to the bearhug, but Punk elbows out of it before running into a knee. Back to the bearhug and some QUALITY trash talk from Brock (“You’re my punk bitch now!”) , but Punk fights back with kicks again and goes up, only to get caught in a fallaway slam. Brock is more amused than troubled by this momentary setback. Backbreaker into a powerslam gets two. Back to the bearhug, but Punk bites the ear to escape and puts him down with a knee. The running knee hits twice, but a third one is caught, so Punk hits the high kick instead. Macho Elbow gets two. GTS is easily countered by Brock, so Punk hits him with ANOTHER high kick. GTS is caught in a kimura and the crowd is freaking the fuck out, rightly so. So Punk turns it into an armbar, and then a triangle choke, and then Brock just powerbombs the shit out of him. Punk won’t let go, however, and Brock threatens to tap, but then MANS UP and tries another powerbomb. So Punk keeps beating on him with elbows, and Brock takes them all and powerbombs him anyway, because FUCK YOU CM PUNK, YOU WILL BE POWERBOMBED. Brock Lesnar is a real man. Brock with rolling vertical suplexes just to spit on Eddie Guerrero’s grave, because FUCK YOU EDDIE GUERRERO, TOO. How can you not love this guy? Brock stops to grab a chair, but Punk keeps coming with a dive…that hits the chair. Oops. Punk, however, also mans up and fights through it, using the chair to beat on Brock because he’s good and pissed off. Back in the ring, Brock gets the chair, but Punk hits him in the nuts and insults his manhood as well. Punk to the top with the chair, and he drops a flying chair elbow for two. Subtly out the window, Punk just starts hitting him with the chair and hoping for the best, but Heyman taunts him into getting distracted again. Punk holds onto Heyman’s tie to block the F5, and hits the GTS for two, with Heyman making the save. Punk goes after Heyman one last time, and runs into the F5, but he counters THAT into a DDT for two! Anaconda Vice looks to finish, but Punk gets distracted by Heyman again, finally getting his punch to the face…and Brock just WAFFLES him with the chair. And now there’s no more comebacks, as Brock just ends him with the chair and finishes with the F5 on the chair at 25:14. This was everything I love about professional wrestling in one match, lacking only a gory bladejob by Punk. This is the match that they should have brought Brock back into the promotion with. ***** And now Brock can disappear until he returns at the Rumble to win the WWE title, I’d bet. CM Punk looks like the biggest babyface who ever babyfaced coming out of this. Note to HHH: This is how you book someone against Lesnar.
Big E Langston & AJ Lee v. Dolph Ziggler & Kaitlyn
This would be the very definition of a PPV death slot. In fact I’m shocked they didn’t stick that shitty Divas match here instead. Big E pounds on Dolph with an abdominal stretch, but it’s over to the ladies. Kaitlyn with a backbreaker, but AJ spinkicks her for two. Question: What was the point of Stephanie’s verbal abuse of these two that week? It never led to anything and was never mentioned again. AJ with a back elbow for two and a sleeper, apropos for this match. Back to Dolph and Langston, as Dolph drops the elbows, but E gets a knee to the back for two. Kaitlyn and AJ brawl on the floor and Big E lays out Dolph for two. Zig Zag finishes at 6:37. First PPV win for Dolph in a LONG time. Match was pretty boring. **
WWE title: John Cena v. Daniel Bryan
They trade wristlocks to start and Bryan takes him down by the bad arm, so they do a test of strength and Cena decides to disprove the crowd’s claims about his lack of wrestling ability. Bryan wins that battle with a monkey flip and goes for the arm, so Cena bails to regroup. Back in, they work off a headlock and Bryan gets a backslide for two. Bryan takes him down and into the surfboard, but Cena powers out and shoulderblocks him off the apron and into the table. Nice bit of subtle heel business there. They fight on the floor, and Cena suplexes him off the stairs. Crowd: “You still suck”. Ouch. Back in, that gets two. Cena slugs away and whips him into the corner, then follows with a sitout powerbomb for two. Bryan slugs back and throws kicks in the corner, but Cena catches him with a knee, so Bryan gets a clothesline and fires away with the kicks. Cena comes back with the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM and the crowd explodes with hatred, but Bryan kicks him in the face on the five-knuckle shuffle. Another try hits, but Bryan escapes the FU and goes up with the missile dropkick for two. Cena is still down, so Bryan starts kicking the hell out of the bad arm and then applies an STF to hopefully teach him how to do it. Cena powers out, so Bryan suplexes him for two. German suplex gets two. Yes-Lock follows, and Cena powers out of that as well, so Bryan hooks him in a guillotine next. Cena powers out of that as well, as that seems to be the story of the match, with Cena using what limited skillset he possesses to fight off Bryan. Cena with an FU out of nowhere for two, and he goes up, but Bryan keeps coming with strikes and a superplex. Bryan stays on top and follows with the flying headbutt, which gets two. Cena bails again, but this time draws him in for a forearm to block a dive. Back in, Cena with the flying legdrop for two. To the top, but Bryan fights him off with elbows and tries a rana, countered by Cena into the STF. Again, Cena goes to sheer brute force to counter Bryan. That’s a solid storyline. Bryan rolls out, so Cena turns it into a rear naked choke, and Bryan turns that into the Yes-Lock. Cena makes the ropes, so Bryan starts throwing dropkicks in the corner, before running into a massive lariat. JBL is all about that one, of course. They slug it out to build to the epic finale, and both guys are out. The slug it out again and Bryan goes nuts on him, but Cena catches him for the FU, which Bryan turns into a DDT. To the top, but Cena catches him with another FU, which Bryan reverses into the SMALL PACKAGE OF DEATH for two. Bryan kicks him down again and finishes with a shining wizard to win the WWE title at 26:52. Finish was a bit out of nowhere (the small package really should have ended it, but I think they messed it up a bit and called an audible) but this was tremendous, high-level stuff that saw Bryan go over John Cena clean as a sheet to get made as a tippy top guy forever. I didn’t have the same emotional connection that I did to Brock-Punk, however, so I gotta go a bit lower. ****3/4 But then in the midst of Bryan’s long-earned celebration, Randy Orton comes out to cash in…and special referee HHH (who had figured so little into the match that I didn’t even need to mention him before now) turns on Bryan with a Pedigree. Orton pins Bryan to rip the hearts out of everyone and win his millionth title. Told you so. Here’s the thing though, guys: The title isn’t the title, John Cena is the title. Bryan remains a star, Orton gets his heel turn, revenge can be had later on.
The Pulse
Best Summerslam ever? All evidence points to “YES!”
Thumbs way up.
