April 20, 1998.
If my memory (and Wikipedia) is correct, that is the night my love affair with professional wrestling truly began.
It was an episode of WCW Monday Nitro, the night after Spring Stampede 1998. The big story (or at least the one that always comes to mind) was the new United States Champion Raven, who’d won the belt from Diamond Dallas Page in a “Raven’s Rules” Match. I tuned in that night after months of increasingly-piqued curiosity courtesy of my then-best friend and the countless hours we’d spent playing “Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game” and “Super Wrestlemania” on his Super Nintendo.
Around that same time, I recall waking up one Saturday morning and turning it to the USA network for whatever reason to see Kane and Paul Bearer gleefully setting the exhumed corpses of Undertaker’s parents ablaze on the stage of Monday Night Raw. I had never seen anything like it…and I decided I was never going to miss it again.
Oh!–Where are my manners?
My name is Jeff Heatherly. You may know me from my work in the Camp Hope promotional video. You may more seriously recognize me from the comments sections of this very site. I’d like to welcome you to my new column here at Inside Pulse Wrestling: “Guys and Divas”.
So. I suppose the immediate question would be “What am I, the discerning reader of online wrestling pages to expect from you and a column with a beloved Broadway musical as the basis for its title?”.
Perhaps I should explain a bit about my philosophy, Jerry Maguire-style.
I call this segment…
“THE THINGS WE THINK AND DO NOT SAY”: A Mission Statement
You know when you’re a kid and you come up with some abstract idea that you think is completely original and revolutionary…
…and then you find out that toothpaste squeezers already exist and that your popsicle stick and rubber band concoction (aptly called TUBEY) isn’t going to change the way people brush their teeth any time soon?–Okay, that one may just be me.
But you get what I’m saying. Well, in this particular case, I was hardly a kid. I was 22 years old and a Junior(ish) at my university of choice. My former roommate and to-this-day best friend Nick was coming to visit before heading off for a semester abroad in the U.K. Knowing it to be a Monday night, Nick agreed to sample that week’s WWE Monday Night Raw for the first time in his life.
He picked a hell of a night.
It was the final Raw before Wrestlemania XXV. The big story of the night was the final build toward the WWE Championship match between Triple H and Randy Orton. Randy was taking the night off, we were told; and would be checking in periodically with live via satellite interviews from his home. Having watched professional wrestling for eleven years at this point, I had a pretty good idea where this was going. Fantastically, Nick did not.
As we neared the final segment, I was getting noticeably giddy. It was time for our main event; a two-on-one handicap match with Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase, Jr. taking on Triple H. Triple H was nowhere to be found and…well, you remember the rest.
http://youtu.be/OR3z3dU1APw
Ah. Glorious. Nick’s approving laughter as The Game approximated Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” is a memory I will treasure forever.
This moment would never have been possible, were it not for a conversation a year prior; in which Nick asked me why a guy like me would watch what is often considered a trashy, silly, widely-mocked form of entertainment.
After a beat I responded, “I watch it for the writing.”
It was simple, it was brief and it said everything about why I’m sitting here today, a wrestling fan for 15 years and counting. I thought I had had the epiphany of a lifetime. I had found an explanation that would combat every cockeyed stare I’d ever received while walking about the world in black t-shirts adorned with shirtless men and chesty women striking tough poses and spouting cheesy catchphrases like “Who’s Next?” and “I’m Your Papi!”.
In truth, I’d discovered the IWC without ever having set a proverbial foot in it.
I’d like to think there is something unique about my perspective though. When I watch Monday Night Raw, I’m not watching a modern gladiatorial soap opera. I’m watching my friends put on a high school play. I’m watching a traveling theatre troupe tell wild stories through boisterous monologues and semi-choreographed fights. I’m watching a living comic book…and I’m loving every minute of it.
UFC figurehead Dana White was recently quoted as saying, “I think the WWE is one of those things you watch until you are like, 14 and then you move over to real fighting.” All due respect to Mr. White, but I think he missed the point by a mile.
When I started watching WWE, I was 11 years old. I was a shy, gawky kid with a big imagination and–not to toot my own horn–a big heart. I remember running into my living room the night Mick Foley “put butts in the seats” and won the WWE Championship, cheering loudly and feeling on top of the world. The colorful–if slightly deranged–hero in the tattered business attire and leather mask had won the day, and I was absolutely thrilled.
Here we are fifteen years later, and I felt a similar thrill watching Daniel Bryan win his first of two (already!) WWE Championships two months ago. Not because the “goatfaced” underdog had achieved his dream, but because a hard-working guy named Bryan Danielson had just reached the pinnacle of the industry he loves. Now, the “reality era” of the business aside, I think this meant more at 26 than Mankind’s Rocky-like victory did at 11.
This is because I believe WWE is an experience that ages like a fine wine. The older one gets, the more the facade of kayfabe is pulled back, and therein lies a much deeper story than Mr. White’s mixed martial artists could ever tell. Sure, there are those backstage horror stories of corporate jiggery-pokery (sometimes a little too much of the latter, if you know what I mean), but at the end of the day this is a group of men and women traveling the world practically every day of the year, reaching for brass rings both real and imagined; giving hope to viewers young and old. If Mankind can win the belt…if Daniel Bryan can win the belt…maybe a kid can survive the next day of junior high…and a 26-year-old can write a wrestling column on the internet and be part of one of the best pop cultural conversations around.
“I watch it for the writing.”
I stand by my statement.
…and I apologize for how rambly that got. Like the title says, it’s an origin story. You’ve got to let me climb the mountain and give Liam Neeson the blue flower before I can save Gotham, you dig?
With that in mind, let’s get to the real reason we’re all here. Seriously…what can you expect from “Guys and Divas”?
IN THE WEEKS AHEAD…
The basic framework is thus. Each week, I’ll appear on your screens with a three-fold look at the latest developments in the WWE Universe.
- Segment 1: GUYS – In which I wax philosophical and opinionated on current events with the Superstars
- Segment 2: DIVAS – (The reason I wanted to do this column) In which I wax EVEN MORE philosophical and opinionated on my favorite strong female protagonists on television, the Divas
- Segment 3: THE BONUS BALL – In which anything goes (What does that mean?–Come back and find out!)
…and as Doug Benson says, “Final-all-ally…” the real purpose of this week’s column.
In case you just joined me, this whole shenanigan is called “Guys and DIVAS”. There’s a reason for that.
I’m a big fan of a female protagonist. Scan my DVD shelf and you’ll find a collection of amazing heroines like Buffy Summers, Sydney Bristow, Kara “Starbuck” Thrace and (here’s an obscure one) Helena “Huntress” Kyle. I hold these characters very dear to my heart; and right alongside them are names like Trish Stratus, Mickie James, Melina and Beth Phoenix.
In the past few years, I’ve been heartbroken to see the decline of the Divas division on television. We went from the high of Trish vs. Mickie to the embarrassment of inconsequential 10-Diva tag matches, where the only distinction between heels and faces was a smile or a scowl. From the embarrassment of the commentary team’s utter ignorance during the all-Diva season of “NXT” to the all-too-brief WWE career of Kharma…what can I say?–It’s been tough.
Just as heartbreaking (if not, slightly more) was the decline in Diva coverage on the internet. It pained me to read recap after recap, live-tweet after live-tweet of (mostly) men declaring any and all Diva segments their “pee break”; to hear scuzzy alpha males chortle at jokes about the Bellas and Johnny Ace’s alleged backstage hot tub meetings; to watch some of the strongest female characters in current fiction be derided into oblivion.
Let it be known: YOU WON’T FIND THAT HERE.
Now, thankfully with the advent of AJ Lee (my spirit animal) and the popularity of E!’s “Total Divas”, there seems to be a cavalcade of wonderful promising things on the horizon and I couldn’t be happier about that.
It’s in that spirit that I bring you the final segment of this week’s “Guys and Divas”. Let’s take a look at the current WWE Diva roster and find the strengths (and admitted weaknesses) of today’s crop of sports entertainment super-women.
¡VIVA LA DIVA!: THE BEST AND BRIGHTEST OF TODAY AND TOMORROW
AJ LEE
Well…let’s just get right to it then!
She’s the glue that holds the entire division together. There. I said it. I know I’m not the first to, but I also know that there is a growing, very verbal minority who want to take away the power of her rise not just as a champion, but as one of the key faces of the entire company; who want to attribute her success only to the Superstars with whom she’s been aligned over the past two years.
I think a majority of us can agree, it was AJ that made those pairings work and not the other way around. You wouldn’t give Brad Pitt and Spencer Tracy all the credit for the successes of Angelina Jolie and Katherine Hepburn, would you?
She’s adorable, witty, funny, crazy. She’s great in the ring and fantastic on the mic. She’s a compelling underdog as a face and a believable threat as a heel. Add in quite possibly the most innovative and exciting finishers in the entire company (The Black Widow) and you’ve got a legend in the making.
We always hear she idolized Lita. I can’t wait to see the girls who idolize her. Simply put, AJ Lee is a star.
***
AKSANA
(Now, here’s the part where the length of the blurb for each Diva will become very telling.)
Aksana.
Aksana.
Aksana, Aksana, Aksana.
At the very least, I’m glad she’s left behind the bleach-blonde Lithuanian heiress gimmick and the role of sultry golddigger who comes complete with her own late-night Cinemax saxophone score. The fact of the matter, here’s a girl who’s been on our screens for a little over three years (if I’m not mistaken) and we still know next to nothing about what she’s really capable of. Fingers crossed that the recent rise in Diva activity could work in her favor, but as of right now, she’s like Yoshi Tatsu; you know she’s still there but you have no idea what she’s up to.
Other than her new short hair, which is ADORABLE.
***
ALICIA FOX
The show’s blatant attempts to turn her into the African-American Maria Kanellis aside, I’ve always quite liked Alicia. Sure, she’s seen her share of flubs (she’ll always be our “undefined” champion), but even in limited doses she’s always impressed me in the ring.
Now, if only the writers could decide whether she’s a face or a heel and just…stick with it for a while. Oh, and lose the Spirit Hoods. They’re just tacky.
***
THE BELLAS
Two years ago, I genuinely disliked the Bellas. Like, violently so. I found them useless, cringeworthy, unnecessary…just awful.
What a difference getting to know someone makes.
“Total Divas” is a gamechanger for myriad reasons, not the least of which being–the manipulativeness of reality television editing aside–that it’s given us an unprecedented look at what goes into the making of this show we all love, and the humanity of the people who bring it to us.
As (for lack of a better term) commoners, we often hold celebrities up to impossible standards. We expect a level of perfection and class that we ourselves cannot always live up to. We forget that in most cases, our matinee idols and worldly heroes were born into lives just like ours.
Brie Bella is a witty hippie chick. Nikki Bella is a total girly-girl. Yes, they have their foibles but so do people we know and adore in our daily lives. Watching the real-life adventures of Brie and her new fiance Bryan, I think of earthy folksy girls I knew in college. Watching Nikki live it up in John Cena’s insanely large mansion, I think of the fun-loving, catty girls I knew in high school.
We know these girls, and thankfully it looks like the writers know that we know them. Just this past Monday, watching Brie run to ringside to kneel beside her fallen fiance as we faded to black, I let out an audible swooning sigh. (On a related note, if Brie changes her stage name to Brie Bryan after the wedding, I may need to be hospitalized due to excessive preciousness.)
Brie. Nikki. I dig the cut of your jibs. (PHRASING!)
***
EVA MARIE
I may need to take back my earlier statement of universal affection for WWE Superstars and Divas.
Just as “Total Divas” showed me how to stop worrying and love the Bellas, it also introduced me to…just the worst type of person; a person named Eva Marie. From her run-ins with the creepy, middle-aged, bowl-cut woman who’s apparently in charge of the Divas (viewers know what I’m talking about) to showing off her “dance experience” with Fandango to her snobby, take-no-prisoners attitude toward fellow newbie JoJo…I just don’t know about her.
Her hair is amazing, though. There’s no denying that.
***
THE FUNKADACTYLS
When Brodus Clay redebuted last January as the Funkasaurus, we were given a bounty of gifts. Dance numbers! An absurd(ly catchy) theme song! A mirror ball! Creepy celebrations with local children! (Okay, maybe not that last one.)
Then there were his heralds. One, an infamous former “Tough Enough” castoff; the other, a badass up-and-comer from the developmentals. The former (Cameron) had a nice smile and a lot of energy and I took a pretty quick shine to her. The latter (Naomi) remained a mystery to me.
Then, reports started making the rounds: this girl’s pretty good in the ring. WHAT?!–Stealing a house show in a one-on-one with Natalya? Who is this lady?
In an ideal world, Naomi would be a perennial contender for the Divas Championship, and Cameron her flashy hype-woman. Let’s look forward to such things together, shall we?
***
JOJO
Guys. She’s 19. I FEEL SO OLD!
The adorable frizzy-haired honorary Funkadactyl who shares a last name with TV’s Ron Swanson.
Let’s see where this goes.
***
KAITLYN
First things first: WHERE THE HECK DID SHE GO?
True story: a few weeks ago, I headed over to WWEShop.com to look over all the new merchandise. As you can guess, I grow more and more pleased at the sight of so much Divas gear hitting the digital shelves…but when I got to Kaitlyn’s page, I noticed something.
Everything was on sale.
I felt a genuine panic attack kicking in as I scanned the internet for any information on if WWE had (foolishly) let her go. Nothing to be found. I clicked article after article, site after site, and finally came back to that intimidating screen where “8th Militia” shirts were 20% off. Setting my worries aside, I clicked on the catch-all Divas merchandise page…
…where EVERYTHING WAS ON SALE.
“WHAT IS GOING ON?!” I hyperventilated. I went outside to get some air…and came to terms with the giant mistake my beloved WWE was about to make.
I came back in and sat down in front of my computer…and tilted my gaze up ever so slightly.
“TODAY ONLY! ALL DIVAS MERCHANDISE 20% OFF!” read the brightly-colored banner at the top of the screen.
I slumped down in my seat and let out a deep sigh of relief. “Well,” I thought, “I’m certainly an ass.”
I tell you that story to tell you just how important I believe Kaitlyn to be for the health and future success of the Divas division. For every Lita, there needs to be a Trish. For every AJ, there needs to be a Kaitlyn.
It’s a common comparison. Everyone’s made it. The blonde hair, the dedication to fitness, the smile that melts you to a puddle on sight, the everygirl charm…the former bodybuilder shares all these qualities with our favorite new Canadian mommy/WWE Hall of Famer.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m glad to see Brie Bella get a shot at the Divas Title this Sunday at Battleground…but as a recent WWE.com poll can attest, I and many others could watch our favorite former best friends duke it out one more time.
Stay with us, Kaitlyn. We need you.
***
LAYLA
First order of business: GET THIS WOMAN A NEW THEME SONG.
When someone is the de facto elder stateswoman of your entire division, you’d think the folks in Stanford could kick Jim Johnston a few sheckles to give her something, ANYTHING better than a hand-me-down ditty from forgettable Divas past.
That out of the way, what can I say?–I adore Layla. I’m a sucker for a British accent and there’s no denying it: lady can go.
Unfortunately, it seems she’s been a tad adrift since her longtime partner Michelle McCool beat an early retirement. Like Homer Simpson once said of himself, she sometimes seems “like David Spade without Chris Farley; alone and useless.”
I had a moment of hope when she was (admittedly, somewhat haphazardly) paired with AJ about a month ago…but that proved pretty fruitless, now didn’t it?
We all know Miss El is capable of great things. I’ll keep my fingers crossed we see some of them soon.
***
NATALYA
Another reason to be thankful for “Total Divas”: it got the most technically-proficient woman in the Divas division off the arm of the oafish Great Khali. (Although, her dresses were always super-cute during those matches.)
If there’s an argument for splitting the Divas roster by brand and bringing back the Womens Championship, here she is. True, the whole division is in a bit of a rebuilding season, but that the Anvil’s daughter has only held the butterfly belt once to date is preposterous.
I’m not a fool. I know; all things in good time…but Natalya’s so good, it makes me impatient.
***
ROSA MENDES
If you see her anywhere, tell her I think she’s fabulous and I miss her.
***
SUMMER RAE
“Mrs. Fandango” is so adorable, even my girlfriend swoons at the sight of her.
I am admittedly a bit behind on the new NXT, but from what I hear, our girl’s much more than just a pretty face and some dancer’s legs. Something about her silent movie queen facial expressions to her intoxicating smile has already endeared me deeply, and what can I say?–I want to watch her hit someone.
In the meantime, keep chanting for her, everybody. I’m glad we all see something special.
***
TAMINA SNUKA
I can’t gush enough about how pleased I am to see our Samoan Warrior Princess playing AJ’s heavy these past few weeks.
Tamina is as close to a real-life superhero as the Divas division has. I had the distinct pleasure of seeing her live a few months ago at a Raw taping. Watching her dive from the top rope for the Superfly Splash brought forth audible gasps and made my aforementioned girlfriend an instant fan.
Keep this lady around, WWE.
…and long story short (too late), so ends the first edition of “Guys ands Divas”. I assure you, dear reader; future installments will rarely–if ever–be this lengthy.
I’d like to thank Inside Pulse’s CB and Chris Sanders for their help and support in getting me started here, and thank Mr. Sanders and his partner Joel Leonard over at the “Classy Ring Attire” podcast for helping spread the word about this column during their always-fantastic Monday Night Raw live-tweet this week. They are ace characters, all.
Join me this and every Monday night for my very own Raw live-tweet (follow @biscuitman18–THAT’S ME!; and use the hashtag #GuysAndDivas for extra fun) and look for me in the Inside Pulse Wrestling comments sections, as always.
Until next Wednesday, kids! I’m Jeff Heatherly saying, “I really need a catchphrase.”
