The SmarK RAW Rant – 09.30.13
I have to take the blame for the current ratings freefall, given that I’m only watching it the day after on Hulu and not on DVR anymore. My bad.
Brought to you this month by BREAST CANCER. It’s certainly a worthy cause, but they really make themselves look scummy by association when they partner with groups like Susan B. Komen.
Live from somewhere that is not important enough for them to mention. Like they literally never say where the show is from.
Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL
CM Punk joins us to start, and he’s here to talk about predictability. Random note: Punk needs to go on Sesame Street and do his grammar smackdown with Elmo or something. It would be pretty awesome. So anyway, Punk notes that it’s going to be predictable that he’ll destroy Ryback and Axel and pretty soon it’ll just be him and Heyman. This brings out Brad Maddox for some reason, and he thinks that Punk has anger problems. And then Big E Langston also comes out for some reason and attacks Punk, which leads to a scuffle and a match RIGHT NOW. Just as soon as they get the giant speakers out of the ring and take their scheduled commercial break. Hey, speaking of predictability, Punk.
CM Punk v. Big E Langston
So we are joined in progress with Punk hitting a flying bodypress for two, but he walks into an STO that gets two. The ULTIMATE WARRIOR SPLASH gets two. He totally needs to set that up with a gorilla press. Big E with the half crab, but Punk slugs out of it, only to have Big E clothesline him for two. Punk comes back with a high kick for two and tries the GTS, but E clotheslines him again for two. He tries a second splash, but that one misses and Punk comes back with a neckbreaker. Macho Elbow and he finishes with the GTS at 5:36. Nice to see Punk getting a big win, but man, Langston is just stuck in the wasteland right now. The Ziggler program went NOWHERE and then he got split off from AJ with no resolution to boot. **1/4 Apparently at this point #RiseAboveCancer just HAPPENED to start trending on Twitter, with no intervention from WWE at all. Right.
Meanwhile, Randy Orton stops by to creep on the Bellas.
Paul Heyman speaks against bullying, in particular that bully CM Punk.
Up Next: Los Matadores finally debut. They’re really stretching for worthwhile content in this version of the show. Like they really couldn’t have edited that out?
Los Matadores v. Heath Slater & Jinder Mahal
So the matadors are now “Diego & Fernando” because apparently we’re fucking idiots who don’t know that it’s just Primo & Epico with half-masks. Oh, and a midget, because everyone loves midgets. But hey, FOR KIDS. Also, I heard all about how great their entrance was, and they CUT THE ENTRANCE. And then they showed the tweets talking about how it was such an awesome entrance! I DON’T FUCKING GET THIS COMPANY. I wonder how much the Komen foundation greased WWE to artificially get “RiseAboveCancer” trending? We get some goofy double-teams from the matadors and then one of them gets caught in the 3MB corner and worked over by Jinder. Slater comes in and gets finished with a double suplex at 4:03. So weeks of buildup and repackaging and it’s El Matador 2013 in a shit match over 3MB. ½* Tito Santana would be ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE.
I have just been informed that in fact Tito Santana is not actually dead. Still, I think the point stands.
Family Summit: HHH and Stephanie are here to talk business with the Rhodes family. Cole sums things up by noting Dusty was told by Stephanie to “choose which of his jobs gets to keep his son.” Holy cow, now THAT would be a heel move! So HHH sums up what a bunch of failures and selfish jerks that Rhodes family are (Dusty is apparently still bitter about failing outside of Florida thing and the polka dots, which is exactly the kind of smarky, inside humor that means nothing to the common fan). This all sets up Rollins & Reigns v. Cody & Goldust with the sons getting their jobs back if they win, and Dusty losing his job if they lose. The Shield hits the ring and destroys the babyfaces afterwards, because this is RAW in 2013 and babyfaces exist to get destroyed by the heels week after week with no comeuppance or payoff.
R-Truth v. Curtis Axel
As usual, a win by Truth will put him “back in the hunt” for the title. You know what else would? Winning a series of matches against other competition besides the champion. But that’s just wacky. Plus Axel literally never defends that belt anyway. Truth works on the leg and slugs away in the corner, but Axel puts him down with a cheapshot and gets a dropkick for two. We hit the chinlock, but Truth comes back with a suplex into a stunner for two. And then CM Punk’s music hits and Truth hits his finisher for the pin at 4:23. So the champion loses AGAIN, looks like an idiot, and Truth gets a fluke win. And the match sucked. Good night all around for everyone. ½* Could this actually lead to Axel defending the belt he’s held for like three months? Tune into Nitro to find out!
Meanwhile, Paul Heyman announces he’s going to propose to Ryback. OK then.
Meanwhile, Big Show is mad as hell and isn’t going to take it anymore. Well that’s a chance for the babyfaces on this show, who normally just take it and take it and take it and take it because STEPHANIE IS THE BOSS.
Paul Heyman and Ryback are out to share a touching moment together, bonding over their hatred of bullying and stereotypes like the typical “superstar-advocate relationship”. God bless Uncle Paul. So he proposes an official commitment because he wants Ryback to be a Paul Heyman Guy. Ryback is equally tickled and moved by Heyman’s proposal, and he’s about a million times better in this role than he was before. Sadly, that intolerant bully CM Punk runs out to ruin the beautiful moment, but slips on the barricade and hurts his leg. Heyman goes over to check on him like any decent human being would, and Punk callously attacks them with a kendo stick because he’s a LIAR. He probably hates people with breast cancer, too. Jerk.
Meanwhile, the cops come to arrest Big Show because he’s so angry, but Stephanie calls them off and then verbally castrates Show again. His big revenge: Punching a HHH poster and right through the wall. Ironically that’s actual property damage and he really could be arrested for that.
The Shield v. Dolph Ziggler & The Usos
Ziggler gets a dropkick on Ambrose for two and the Usos double-team Rollins. Even the announcers have to point out that the Usos became #1 contenders but aren’t getting the title shot at the PPV. So why did they go through the trouble of making them #1 contenders again? I know, I know, it’s easier not to ask. We get a bit of a heat segment on an Uso and they quickly come back to clean house as we take a break. But Cole didn’t say “as RAW rolls on”! How will I know not to change the channel now? Back with Reigns holding a chinlock on an Uso, but it’s hot tag Dolph and he gets a neckbreaker on Ambrose. He drops the elbows on Ambrose, but Dean rolls him up for two. Fameasser gets two and it’s BONZO GONZO, and Reigns ends up spearing Ziggler at 12:33. The Usos continue doing yeoman’s work with no payoff for them. **1/2
Funny note: On Hulu, they’ve been showing commercials for the new Obamacare program website at healthcare.gov, but of course a government website probably can’t offer much assistance at the moment. Whoever said that Canada is the nice apartment above the meth lab is a wise person.
Main Event Interview: Randy Orton faces off with Daniel Bryan and says “abeyance” about 14 times. Bryan wants that title really badly, so Orton goes after the Bellas (who have apparently turned babyface when I wasn’t watching) and the brawl is on. As usual, Bryan gets his ass kicked, even with Brie out to show her concern. I…don’t care for this Bellas in the main event mix…thing. It can go nowhere good.
Hey, all the babyfaces get beat up and castrated again, yay. Battleground (aka the soon-to-be record holder for lowest buyrate in modern history) pretty much has to be an indecisive ending that leads to them finally settling this ratings-killing feud at Hell in the Cell, so don’t bank on Bryan getting the belt on Sunday. Plus if ever there was a stipulation match needed to spruce up the show, this is it. But, nothing.
For this show in particular, we had 30 minutes of wrestling and an hour of talking. Not a good show.