Hello and welcome to the second ever Spain’s SmackDown Report, which hasn’t actually started yet because the darts has been running over for a while: thirty minutes, actually. Where is a Shield run-in when you need one?
We start with a recap of the Big Show getting fired but nobody telling the guy in charge of the entrance music. Oh, and Triple H forgetting how to block a single punch: your thirteen-time world champion, folks. Can we please now have videos of Triple H living in Big Show’s house, dragging Stephanie and their kids with him? If that was a sitcom, I’d watch it.
#VickieAll
Here comes Vickie Guerrero, and a fired Big Show gets music but the General Manager doesn’t? We recap Del Rio’s strange, predatory affections for her and I can’t help but wonder if Orton got his hands on that scarf right after someone’s purse. Oh, and Cena’s coming back.
Vickie says that Big Show is a deviant, and even tries to put the blame for Battleground’s finish on him. Let’s not say things we can’t take back, Vickie. There’s apparently a ‘For Sale’ sign in Big Show’s yard and why isn’t Triple H. LIVING. THERE? This brings out Del Rio and for a moment I hope that he wants to live in Big Show’s house too, but he’s just here to weasel out of a Cena match. So the submission specialist with an armbreaker finisher is scared of fighting the guy with an arm injury? He asks if there’s anything he can do to change her mind, and this is officially WWE’s remake of Indecent Proposal. Vickie asks for various kisses of varying nationality. This is a family show, WWE Creative: you stop this right now. And even after the makings of a sexual harassment lawsuit Vickie isn’t changing her mind, so we get both that opening segment and a Cena match. She is a heel.
Sandow shows up, and he’s apparently a face now…and is also hitting on Vickie? Does Creative think she’s insecure or something? Somewhere in the middle of this love triangle from bearded Latino hell a non-title match is made. Del Rio jumps Sandow but gets beaten down and escapes. Sandow yells at him ‘Please come back!’ and I’m amazed that Del Rio could resist such well-orated sincerity.
Don’t try this at home, folks. Do not try kissing a portly, Latin widow at home. Buster Bluth did it, and he lost his hand.
In Case You Needed Another Reason Not To Buy Battleground
R-Truth and Curtis Axel are competing tonight for the Intercontinental Title. And Ryback and Punk are meeting at Hell in a Cell, so we’re certainly facing some Battleground nostalgia. Axel gets in R-Truth’s face, yelling that he’s the Intercontinental Champion. We shouldn’t need the reminder, but… In gratitude, R-Truth punches him, and a hip-toss gets two. Axel ducks out of the ring, but Truth follow him to the outside and punches him some more. Back in the ring Axel begs off, but R-Truth learned in prison not to show mercy. And probably other things as well, but this is a family show. Axel manages to send Truth to the outside.
Back from a break, Axel is in control of Truth, who tries to fight out, but Axel hits his clothesline-from-behind that I really like and stays on him. Outside, Heyman strokes the goatee he does not have as Axel slaps on a sleeper. Truth fights back again, sending Axel into a corner, but Axel manages to pull him into the turnbuckle: a crafty, veteran-looking move and perfect for his character. R-Truth hits some clotheslines, then that odd calf-kick which gets a two. Axel hits a kick to the midsection, but a dropkick by Truth gets another two. Axel tries a dropkick, but Truth swats it away and hits a pretty innovative-looking facebuster, which gets two. A scissors kick nearly gets Truth the victory, but Axel grabs the ropes and Truth shows some serious crazy-eyes at that point. Axel hangs him up on the ropes, then hits the facebuster of his own for the three.
That was fine: nothing bad about it at all, although not an exciting match and, yeah, we’ve seen it before and paid for it. 2.5 Stars.
A Three-Man Finisher? I Smell A Match With The Shield
We come back with Los Locales in the ring, and are they called that wherever they go? Because that would be fraud, which can earn you two weeks of Triple H living in your house. And here’s Los Matadores and El Torito. You know your career’s not going well when the commentators treat you like a sideshow to a little person in a costume. Then again, Cole just called one of the Locales ‘Los Locales One’, so there is always someone worse off. Fernando starts off, and if they were real bullfighters Los Locales would have been hobbled before the match. Headscissors from Fernando, tag to Diego and they hit a double backdrop. Diego gets thrown into the corner but rolls out onto the apron, and hits another headscissors to get back into the ring. Tag to LL2 and Fernando’s back in with a hurricanrana, back to Diego with a flying clothesline and LL2 gets a blind tag so LL1 can get some offence. Rolling snapmare and a kick to the back gets two, with a tag to LL2. Diego literally walks away from being the face-in-peril, with a tag to Fernando which is presumably the ‘hot tag’, and he backdrops LL2 into LL1, they hit their double finisher and in comes El Torito. LL2 tries to jump them, but gets a Hurricanrana from the undersized bull. Matadores hit the double finisher again, this time with El Torito hitting a seated senton onto it, and that is going to go wrong one day.
This was still your basic ‘look what we can do’ match, which I don’t enjoy unless it’s a total monster doing it. That being said, some interesting moves. 1.5 Stars.
Recap of Shawn becoming guest referee, and I voted for Backlund. Also coming up: how do you make Bray look totally normal? Put him out there with Goldust.
Team Total Divas vs. Team…Total Divas
Six Diva Tag Match now, with Natalya, Kaitlyn and Eva Marie up against Brie and the Funkadactyls as Cole mentions that we’re all rising above cancer this month. We’d pay the Shield to mug the shit out of cancer, but we’re Being Stars as well. We start off with a handshake, because these gals are all shooting a TV series together. Natalya takes Brie down and works the leg, but Brie gets a headlock and I think we’re actually seeing chain-wrestling here: heavens to Murgatroyd. Brie gets a roll-through single-leg Boston Crab and I haven’t seen that done since Lance Storm, but Natalya reaches the ropes, attempts the sharpshooter, but backs into the corner and tags in Eva Marie and that was fun while it lasted. Cartwheel and a schoolboy from Eva with a kick-out at one. Cole says Eva Marie has red hair because of the fire inside her, and that is not even a little bit how that works. Eva works the arm (probably, it’s hard to tell), and tags in Kaitlyn, as Brie tags in Cameron. Cameron eats a bodyslam, then gets an awful roll-up. Tag to Naomi, but Kaitlyn ducks a clothesline and hits a spear. Cameron and Eva Marie have a who-can-do-the-most-terrible-dropkick contest and the winner is anybody who didn’t have to see either of them. Brie tosses Eva Marie, gets knocked down by Natalya, who gets Rear View-ed by Naomi, who reverses a roll-up by Kaitlyn for the awkward finish.
Cole called this ‘a fun match-up’ in a hesitant tone of voice, with that and the fact that he’s lying telling you everything you need to know there. I did like the chain-wrestling at the start, actually; Brie has come a long way. Call it 1.5 Stars, with two thirds of that going to Natalya and Brie.
Backstage, Renee Young has Cody and Goldy for an interview. The Rhodes would like to thank us all for what happened at Battleground, and it’s nice to share the credit for the best match of a WWE PPV. The brothers then leave in different directions, which means only one of them knows where the dressing room is.
Sandow’s T-Shirt Infringes On René Descartes’ Gimmick
Sandow comes out first to a nice reception followed by Del Rio, who tosses his scarf immediately (Orton definitely used that thing as toilet paper). Sandow starts out viciously, attacking the champ in the corners and then chasing him around the ring. Del Rio rolls back inside, catches Sandow and he’s in control. Kick to the back lands two, then a hip-toss by Sandow and Del Rio heads outside again, this time grabbing his title and trying to leave, but Sandow jumps him, throwing him back in the ring. Del Rio drives Sandow into the corner, kicking him a few times for a two-count. The champ heads up high, hitting a double-axe handle for one and we get a rest-hold. Sandow tries to fight out, and hits a high backdrop on Del Rio onto the outside, then tossing him back in. Sandow tells us that we’re welcome, and I guess the fans in the arena kind of assumed that as they’d paid for their seats. Suplex for two, with Del Rio getting into a corner and kicking Sandow in the head to regain control, beating him down on the mat. Sandow fights his way up, but gets thrown into the post shoulder-first. Sandow clotheslines Del Rio, sending him to the outside again, and then taunts him with the briefcase.
Back from a break, Del Rio dropkicks Sandow into the corner and chokes him on the ropes, but Sandow dodges a rush by Del Rio, sending him to the outside for a fourth time. He tries to whip Del Rio into the steps, but Alberto stops himself and superkicks Sandow on the outside. He then tries to steal the briefcase, doing a tonne of good for ethnic stereotypes and Sandow puts a stop to this petty theft. Sandow gets clotheslines and bodyslams, and then hits the Elbow of Disdain for two. Del Rio rolls away and hits another superkick, staying on Sandow and hitting his double-knee armbreaker. Sandow reverses an armbreaker attempt into an Edge-O-Matic for two, but Del Rio with a backstabber gets two and a half. Sandow ducks a running enzuigiri, hits a swinging neckbreaker for the near-fall. Sandow keeps on Del Rio with the referee trying to get involved. Del Rio takes out the injured knee, then locks in the cross armbreaker: Sandow taps.
That was fun to watch: not as good as the Ziggler/Alberto match, but still a good one. Sandow and Del Rio are nicely matched up and will have some great matches in the future. 3 stars.
We recap the recap of Big Show dropping Triple H. Cole claims that they might issue a warrant for Show’s arrest for assault with a deadly weapon, and yes, they are referring to his hand. Any guy who has ever made a ‘gun show’ joke, myself included, is officially off the hook. JBL says to ‘cuff him and stuff him’ and I should not be watching this and drinking alcohol.
I Didn’t Know Catering Was Called ‘The Land Of The Five Rivers’
Hey, here come the Prime Time Players and…the Great Khali. Well, dandy. They’re facing 3MB. Magical. Slater locks up with Khali and that goes about as well as you’d expect. Jinder comes in and Khali very slowly and awkwardly mauls him in the corner. Tag to Young and a nice Northern Lights suplex for two. McIntyre’s in and Young’s still in control, but McIntyre hits a kick to the midsection as Young tries to vault him, 3MB hit a double suplex and Slater slaps on a sleeper hold and hits a neck-breaker for two. A knee from Jinder’s another near-fall and McIntyre lays a beatdown on Young until he eats an Enziugiri and Young makes the tag to Titus. O’Neil runs roughshod for a little while but then tags in Khali who gets the win off his chop. Man, we should arrest Khali for assault with a deadly weapon. Triple H should live in his house.
It was a 3MB match featuring the Great Khali. That being said, PTP looked pretty good. I especially like how Young moves in the ring, although considering he’d got the tag from Khali he was always going to look like Neo. 1 Star.
The Wyatts Need Some Grooming Tips
The Rhodes come out first, and then we get a creepy little promo from Bray to start off, leading into the ‘WE’RE HERE’. Little things like that and that spider-walk last Sunday: that is what is going to make Wyatt work. Wyatt in the rocking chair and Dust starts off against Harper, hitting a clothesline before Rowan gets tagged in and Goldust looks freaked…before doing the deep breath, the bite, and then just punching the mask off Rowan’s face, which I imagine he’d do if he ever met Batman. Uppercut to Rowan and he tags in Cody, who comes off the second rope with an elbow, but gets flat-out overpowered by the bald man with the red beard.
After a warning from Dolph Ziggler not to force a little person into a bull costume (at home or at school), we’re back with Cody rolling out a back suplex from Harper and drop toe-holding him into a corner. Goldust comes in with an atomic drop, clotheslines and some punches in the corner. Dust looks great right now, and as I type that Harper just pancaked him in a corner. Tag to Rowan, and Goldust is cast as ‘face-in-peril’. Rowan is very good at selling to us what he is: rough and powerful. Harper back in, slapping a headlock on the Bizarre One as Cody plays cheerleader to the outside. Harper misses a dropkick, allowing Dust to hit a DDT, crawling over to Cody but Harper knocks Rhodes down and throws Goldust into the corner. Rowan’s in with a bodyslam, sending Goldust into the corner hard enough to knock him down on impact.
Bearhug on Dust now, and I am just getting more and more impressed with Rowan throughout this match. Goldust is fighting, manages to springboard off the ropes into a back elbow. Both men are reaching their feet…and Rowan just drives Dust back into the corner. Holy hell, Rowan uses the Von Erich Claw, and throws Goldust across the ring. Spin kick is ducked and into a bulldog by Goldust! Crowd is fired up as Dust tries to make it to the corner and he does! Springboard dropkick from Rhodes knocks Harper down, following up with a Harley Race high knee and what is now the Rhodes Uppercut. He gets his leg caught by Harper, spun around and manages to turn that into a sweet Disaster Kick for two. Rowan gets in on this, but both Rowan and Harper get tossed and Rhodes hits a crossbody from the top on Rowan but eats a big boot, courtesy of Harper. Dust tries to interfere back in the ring, but Harper flattens him with That Clothesline. Rhodes is sent into the corner with Harper in pursuit, but jumps over the man’s charge and rolls him up for the three! First defeat for the Wyatt Family!
This was a lot of fun. I love seeing Goldust back; Cody is looking more and more like a serious threat; Harper’s clothesline looks like should have reversed Goldust’s colour scheme and there are a lot of nice things to say about Rowan. Everyone looked good here, and that was a great match for the main event. 3.5 Stars.
Well, two good matches: the rest of the show was middling to bad but what was enjoyable was enjoyable. Not much else to say there: four out of ten.
