The SmarK Rant for WWE NXT – 10.23.13
For some reason the show was uploaded to Hulu 12 hours late this week. I NEED MY FIX, DAMMIT!
Taped from Orlando, FL, and FUCK ME, the stupid pink ribbon bullshit is permeating this show now, too.
Your hosts are Tom Phillips & Alex Riley, with SPECIAL GUEST Tensai.
Corey Graves comes out to give his explanation, but before he can even exposit a little bit, Adrian Neville storms out and kicks his ass because he’s MAD at him and that’s what wrestlers who are mad at other wrestlers are supposed to do!
Emma v. Sasha Banks
Emma starts an adorable shoving match and gets a rollup for two, and a sunset flip for two. Oklahoma Roll gets two, and she works on an armbar. Alex Riley creeping on Emma while calling the match is pretty…creepy, actually. William Regal’s love of Paige works because he’s charming and British, but Riley just comes across as a weird pervert. Sasha takes over with a cheapshot and runs her into the corner for two and we take a break. Back with Sasha holding a chinlock, and a back elbow gets two. Sasha puts the badmouth on Emma and beats her down for two before going to another chinlock. Emma comes back with clotheslines and the Dilemma in the corner, which gets two. Slingshot sets up the Emma-Lock, but Paige brawls with Summer at ringside and Sasha gets the cradle for the pin at 10:52. See, that finish works because it’s not just the heel standing on the ramp while the babyface stands there like an idiot – there’s an actual reason for the distraction. And then it gets WORSE for Emma, as Paige tries to fight off the heels and accidentally clotheslines Emma. **
Meanwhile, Bo Dallas announces that he’s going on vacation to Bolivia to deliver squirt guns to starving children. That still puts him above the Komen foundation.
Casey Maron & Tommy Taylor v. The Ascension
How low does your career path have to go to become a jobber on NXT? The crowd immediately gets behind them, chanting “Let’s Go These Guys”. Everyone in that audience gets a Christmas card from me this year. The champs squash the shit out of These Guys and finish Maron with Total Elimination at 2:30.
Meanwhile, Sami Zayn feels like maybe JBL was biased against him last week.
Meanwhile, JBL denies any conspiracy with HHH, and bans Zayn from NXT until he learns some respect. Also, Renee Young needs to change her shirt to something less revealing. YOU BASTARD.
CJ Parker v. Alexander Rusev
I don’t know how things work in the dirty Obama-voting hippie commune that Parker comes from, but in the real world stealing an iPhone is a CRIME. Hopefully Rusev teaches him a lesson. And indeed, Rusev throws him around and a hits a running butt splash in the corner before finishing with the camel clutch at 1:21. Yeah! Send him back to Cuba with the other pinkos! Wait, I guess Rusev might also be a communist. DISREGARD THIS LAST POLITICALLY-CHARGED RANT. You dirty Russian commies are OK with me! Also, an intriguing hot blonde wanders around ringside surveying Rusev.
During The Break: Tyler Breeze attacks Parker, takes his phone back, and cuts his disgusting dreads. And still the crowd cheers him!
They’re showing these Hell in a Cell commercials during the breaks, and the John Cena one is my favorite because it’s so pointlessly hostile. They’re all “John Cena’s body was broken and torn up, and now he’s returning for REVENGE on Alberto Del Rio”. Poor ADR didn’t even DO anything! They haven’t even interacted in, what, a year? Two years?
Corey Graves v. Adrian Neville
Neville is pissed and throws chops to start and dropkicks him off the apron, then follows with his usual crazed dive. Back in, that gets two. Neville throws kicks, but Graves kicks him in the knee to take over. He goes to work on the leg and gets a kneecrusher for two. He goes to a stepover toehold variation, but Neville rolls him up for two. Graves hits the knee again and gets two. Neville is so worked up that he’s actually SPLIT HIS PANTS. That could have been embarrassing without underwear. Neville goes up, but Graves takes him down with a shot to the knee and hooks him in Lucky 13 to finish at 7:07. See, he hurt the knee, worked it over, and then used it to finish. Why can’t the idiots who craft the main shows figure this shit out? **1/2
Next week: Paige v. Summer Rae! CJ Parker v. Tyler Breeze!
Totally worth the 12 hour wait.