We kick off SmackDown with The Shield looking right at us. They tell the Usos that they’re tired of them; they’re not contenders or threats. It honestly took me a while to remember that Rollins and Reigns aren’t the champions. The Shield united can beat anyone, and tonight they’ll be heading for the Usos. Ambrose grabs some focus to show off his United States title, earning a glare from both Rollins and Reigns before we BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD.
Charles Robinson Looks Like The Only Man In The Ring Who Washes His Hair
Speaking of the Shield, Sierra Hotel India…Ambrose and Rollins are teaming together, and could that be a hint that Reigns is going to be splitsville? He did score with the double spear on Monday night, which they don’t show during the Langston/Ambrose recap. The Usos come out now and the crowd really does make some noise for them.
Ambrose and Jimmy start it in the ring with Jimmy getting the upper hand following a clothesline. Tag to Jey and they drop the double elbow onto Ambrose. Dean gets a jawbreaker and tags in Rollins, who walks straight into a hip toss and gets thrown into a corner, but dodges Jey’s splash and works him over. Reigns looks really huge, strangely, when he stands outside the ring. Robinson gets in Seth’s face over some rope-choking, meaning Jey recovers enough to backdrop Rollins out of the ring, with Ambrose reaching out to tag him in the most wonderfully casual fashion ever. Rollins lands hard as Ambrose and Jey trade hands and Jey gets a thrust kick and an uppercut. Ambrose rallies, though, and knocks both Usos out…and here comes Mister Langston, because he either loves confrontation or Samoans who aren’t afraid to wear pink. More on this when we come back.
Post-commercial, Ambrose has Jey in a hold as we zoom in on the pretty badass-looking stitches under Langston’s eye. Rollins tags in, hitting a punch from the top rope for two. Ambrose yells ‘JUST-ICE’ which makes him sound like a drunk at a protest march, but Rollins comes off the top rope straight into a Samoan drop. Rollins tries to grab Jey’s leg but apparently decides ‘screw it’ and makes the tag to Ambrose instead as Jimmy comes back in. Clotheslines to Ambrose and a thrust kick leads into a Bubba Bomb and a Samoan Wrecking Ball then gets two. Ambrose tries to counter a kick, but Jimmy hits something that looks almost like Shelton Benjamin’s Dragon Kick, followed by a running calf kick. Rollins come backs now, ducks a kick but eats a spinebuster. Reigns tries to get involved, but Jey splashes out onto him. Ambrose leaps off the top rope and into a right hand, apparently taking lessons in ‘Look Like You’re Just Jumping With No Move In Mind’ from Del Rio. Jimmy misses his own top rope experiment, but rolls Ambrose up for the three.
This match was good. Nice way to start the show, especially with the Usos. Some of the moves that they were pulling out are very impressive, and I’m enjoying watching both teams a lot. 2.5 Stars.
Ambrose jumps Jimmy, throwing him out, but here comes Langston to wreck his shit. Reigns breaks it up so he and Langston can have a face-off. So Langston doesn’t like all Samoans. Rollins and Ambrose hold Reigns back like he’s Scrappy Doo and Langston’s some dude in a mask, and they leave the ring. Puppy Power, Roman.
Oh God, I Have To Recap Cena Speeches Now
And here is Cena, World Heavyweight Champion and Übermensch. We recap Monday night’s opening segment, where WWE actually managed to turn Super Cena from moderate annoyance into straight-up parody. John says that he and Fridays are going to get comfortable, and recapping this show is now going to take some real alcohol. The Cena Fans and Cena Haters seem fairly well matched up here in Tampa, and it is amazing how Cena can waste so much time just saying buzzwords.
Oh, here comes Zeb and the other two racist Stooges. Zeb congratulates Cena on beating up a Mexican and says that he has a lot in common with Real Americans. Is he being nice to Cena to get heat? He invites Cena to join the Real Americans. Personally, I don’t care where they’d go with that, but it would probably be hysterical. Cena gives his ‘You Can’t See Me’ gesture to Coulter, and says he sees three dumb people. Not exactly rapier wit, but Michael Cole laughs because someone has to. He then implies that Swagger has an erection and mentions Cesaro’s giant nipples. Stop making me look places on wrestlers, Cena. John then defends Freedom of Speech because Murica, but here’s Sandow and he looks pissy.
Sandow says that Cena’s a hypocrite: in America, people make their opportunities, like Sandow stealing someone’s land oil briefcase. Cena’s been handed everything: he’s a false champion, and Sandow is still our uncrowned World Champ. From this point on, Sandow’s only objective is to end the Cena Era by any means necessary. We’re Welcome. Sandow, Swagger and Cesaro move in to attack, because God knows maybe three healthy men have a chance against a wounded Cena. But we’ll never find out, because here are the Rhodes Brothers and EXCUSE ME just a minute, playa (AKA tag match).
We take a look back at Shawn and Bryan from Monday. Love how the refs came out for Shawn but not for Cena. And then we see Bryan and Punk getting Deliverance-d (but only TV-PG Deliverance-d).
Pretty Fly For A Wyatt Guy
The Prime Time Players show up and it is a tag-heavy night. Lillian is vaguely dancing to their entrance music in the background. As for their opponents, THEY’RE HERE. Bray is the egg-man or the walrus or something else that doesn’t make sense, and when the lights come up, Harper and Rowan are in the ring. Young takes it to Rowan, but Rowan just straight tosses him out of the ring as Bray bellows from his chair. Darren gets Rown slingshotted into him and then big booted. The Wyatts are just dominating this match, hitting rough, powerful moves, not letting Young get any breathing room, and damn sure not the tag. Darren finally scores with an enzuigiri and Titus does get tagged in, taking it to both Wyatts and knocking Harper around the ring. Powerslam to Harper gets two, boot to Rowan who Young tackles out of the ring, but Titus gets his head taken off with That Clothesline from Harper for the finish.
I liked it. Week by week, Rowan and Harper impress me, and did so again tonight. Young played the victim nicely, and Titus looked extremely powerful in his short time in the ring. 2.5 Stars.
Post-match, Young takes a Sister Abigail, and we are told to Follow The Buzzards. Ironically, Buzzards don’t have Twitter.
We see Kane joining Stephanie because those young talents can’t be trusted with main storylines, and your From The Vault is Beefcake vs. Valentine. Valentine won when Jimmy Hart held down Beefacake’s legs, and I’d forgotten how fantastic Jimmy was.
How Banned Can One Person Be?
We get welcomed to Miz TV, and apparently Shawn Michaels has pulled out. Well, he is Christian…Miz decides to be the edgy host and say that if it wasn’t for HBK, Orton wouldn’t be champion. This hard-hitting journalism based on tenuous reasoning summons Orton, who claims that he is better than Bryan. Shawn didn’t show up because Miz is irrelevant, and Orton happily reminisces about curbstomping Miz in front of his parents, and I think we all joined him in that memory. Hah…Miz’s dad… And because Miz is irrelevant, Orton moves on to talk about Big Show, who is apparently even more banned than he was before. Orton asks Miz how that makes him feel, and then RKOs him, because damn it, Jim, he’s a wrestler, not a therapist.
Clearly Leading To A Nikki/AJ Feud
Alicia and Nikki tie up, and Nikki hits a bulldog for two. Fox is whipped into a corner, tag to Brie and Nikki hits a monkey-flip and Brie gets a clothesline for two. Alicia back in control, but a blind tag allows in Miss Snuka who clotheslines the hell out of Brie. Suplex to Bella and here comes AJ, but the crowd is just dead as she locks in a guillotine choke. We’ve also lost the commentary, but that’s probably a mercy. Brie fights out and manages to tag in Natalya. AJ and Natalya in the same ring? Surely an error. Nattie hits a suplex to AJ, then a snapmare and a dropkick and a clothesline. It breaks down as everyone gets involved and AJ almost gets a roll-up as Tamina gets taken out on the outside by the Bellas. Natalya locks in the sharpshooter and AJ taps instantly.
Well, the crowd was near-silent and I don’t blame them. The Divas matches have actually been much improved recently, and this was a sad return to the…other kind of match. Still, if it means a feud between Natalya and AJ, I’ll take it. 1 Star.
We recap Big Show fighting past the Shield and Orton to announce his LEGAL CHALLENGE. It would be a wonderful world if anyone who wanted a lawsuit had to do that. And anyone who ‘dissected’ a lawsuit actually used a scalpel.
There’s another snippet of Michael Cole interviewing Triple H, and I love the fact that Cole implies that Otunga is every WWE employee’s lawyer. JBL’s distaste for the man probably comes from the amount of harassment suits Otunga’s had to level at him by now.
Like Cena Would Ever Take A Giant Swing
Cena comes to the ring, followed by the Brothers Rhodes, and here come the Real Americans and Damien Sandow. Cody’s unimpressed look at Cesaro’s flag toss said a thousand very funny words.
Cody and Cesaro to start off with Cody scoring a hip-toss and tagging in Goldust. Cody comes back in and hits a high knee for two. Swagger breaks it up and we’re a-brawling. The heels are sent to the outside as Kofi tells us not to try this at home. And he’s right, kids. If you get hurt, you listen to the doctor when he tells you how long you should recover for.
Back from the commercial break, Sandow has a grip on Cena’s arm and then hits the armbar takedown for two. Cesaro tags in and slaps on a keylock as Cena fights his way out. Cesaro and Cena exchange blows until Cena hits a hurricanrana on Cesaro. Cena makes it to Goldust for a tag as Swagger comes in; Dust clotheslines and inverted atomic drops Swagger before a attempting a bulldog. Swagger pushes him into the corner but Goldust simply raises his legs and kicks Sandow of the apron before turning it into a Dudley Dog! God, that takes me back. Cesaro is knocked off the apron, and then Swagger is thrown into Cesaro. Back in the ring, though, Swagger takes out Goldust’s knee and Dust is bundled into the heel corner and then onto the outside. Swagger follows him and hits a hard clothesline before throwing Goldust back into the ring. In the heel corner, Goldust tries to punch his way out but Swagger drives him back into the turnbuckle and tags in Sandow. Sandow knees Goldust viciously whilst yelling for Cena to ‘PAY ATTENTION, JOHN!!’ A cover on Goldust gets two, and then Sandow tags in Swagger.
Swagger has a front facelock on Goldust, who is trying to move to his corner, but Swagger drives him back again and clotheslines him. Tag to Cesaro who stomps on Goldust before fixing in a chinlock. Goldust rolls out but Cesaro’s back on him and hits a gutwrench throw for the two. Swagger comes in as we hit a commercial.
Wow, British night-time adverts just keep getting stranger. Back from commercial, Cesaro is in control, hitting a suplex and then putting on a chinlock which turns into sleeper. Goldust manages to fight his way to Cena and make the tag, but the referee was distracted and is unwilling to take Cena’s word for it. Where’s the trust? Meanwhile, the Real Americans work over Goldust in their corner as Sandow chokes him. Swagger in now and bodyslams Goldust before hitting the Swagger Bomb and Cesaro leapfrog-stomps Goldust for the two. Goldust suddenly hits a DDT, but before he can move, Cesaro makes a tag to Sandow who prevents him from making it to his corner, locking in a sleeper hold. The crowd gets behind Goldust as he makes it to his feet, gets thrown into the heel corner, hits a back elbow from the corner, but he can’t get away. The Rhodes Uppercut creates separation and Goldust knocks Cesaro off the apron. Sandow manages to hold Goldust from the corner again, and then bashes Cena to the ground before walking into a powerslam from Goldust, and Goldust makes the tag!
Cody comes in off the top rope, hitting everyone in sight before rolling up Sandow out of the corner for two. He goes up high, setting up for the moonsault which he hits for two. Cody then gives Sandow the Hardcore Holly kick and then moves in for Cross Rhodes, but Sandow snapmares his way out of it, making the tag to Cesaro but Cody doesn’t see it and does hit Cross Rhodes on Sandow before Cesaro jumps in. Antonio Cesaro takes Cody on the Giant Swing, which surely is an easy finishing move to interrupt. But Cena’s content just to watch it all play out, apparently. The pin is broken up by Goldust, who clotheslines Sandow out of the ring, going out with him. Cody and Cesaro are left in the ring as Cesaro crawls to the empty corner. Cody, meanwhile, tags Cena in who jumps into the Five Moves of Doom with no foreplay whatsoever. Cesaro, however, is used to more generous lovers and reverses an AA into a gutwrench suplex in protest. He then attempts the Giant Swing, only for Cena to try and lock in the STF, but Cesaro in turn counters into an uppercut. Crikey, Cena got some height.
Cody Rhodes hits the Disaster Kick out of nowhere on Cesaro; Sandow gets Cody with the You’re Welcome; Goldust hits his bulldog on Sandow, but then gets tackled by Swagger, who is screaming like he is seeing something entirely different to what’s actually happening and it involves giant rapist spiders. Swagger locks in the Patriot Lock on Cena, and Silly Swagger: it’s his arm that’s injured, not his leg. Cena rolls through, hits the AA and that’s all she wrote.
I’ll admit that when this match was formed, I doubted it would be of much depth. But I enjoyed this one. Everyone looked great and had a nice long chance to show off. Cesaro especially looked great, and Goldust continues to do justice to the chant ‘You Still Got It’. Sandow also looks like he’s being set up as the next challenge for Cena, something he really got across in this match; hopefully Del Rio won’t suddenly replace him if Creative get cold feet. But no, I had fun with this one: I’m a sucker for those rolling sequences of singature/finishing moves. 3 Stars.
This show had a lot of explaining to do following the Sandow/Cena debacle on Monday, but I thought it did pretty well. Nothing amazing, but several stories were put in place or furthered along. I guess you could call it functional. The tag matches were all decent, especially the main event. Fair show all round, I’d say. Six out of ten.
Tags: aj lee, alicia fox, Antonio Cesaro, big e langston, big show, Bray Wyatt, Brie Bella, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Darren Young, David Otunga, dean ambrose, Eric Rowan, goldust, jack swagger, jey uso, jimmy uso, john cena, Luke Harper, natalya neidhart, Nikki Bella, Prime Time Players, randy orton, Real Americans, Roman Reigns, seth rollins, shawn michaels, Spain's SmackDown Report, Tamina Snuka, The Miz, The Shield, the usos, titus o'neil, triple h, Vickie Guerrero, wyatt family, Zeb Coulter