For our WWE Survivor Series results and coverage, click here.
For our WWE Survivor Series Rasslin’ Roundtable and predictions, click here.
SmackDown starts off with fireworks and a whole bunch of matches announced: let’s see if they can put on a good go-home show for Survivor Series.
What, No Racism From Zeb?
The Tag Team Champs make their way down to the ring, ready to face Swagger and Cesaro of Real Americans…whatever the word that isn’t ‘fame’ is. We show a match from some weeks ago where the Real Americans got Goldust to tap to the Patriot Lock: good for WWE for remembering that…and I just praised them for actually doing their job. The Real Americans appear, and I always wonder whether Swagger and Cesaro are actually racing each other to the ring.
Jack and Goldust start the match as Swagger bellows ‘We, The People’. Armdrag by Goldust to start, Swagger overpowers him but Goldust hits him with a dropkick for one. Tag made to Cody who comes off the top with a missile dropkick. Cesaro is tagged in and Cody takes it to him, putting him down with an inverted suplex which also only gets one. Quick tags between the Rhodes and we end up with Cody in the ring, hitting Cesaro with a running knee to the face. Back body drop gets two as Cole bitches about JBL not being a real journalist, and I think we’d all love to see those ‘serious interviews’ Cole does if it was Bradshaw conducting them. Cody gets tossed over the top ropes, lands on the apron but then gets booted out to the floor after levelling Swagger.
Back from the break, Cesaro has Cody in a sleeper. Cody breaks out, but the Real Americans are still firmly in control. They hit their double-team moves on Cody, all of which get two. Cesaro locks Cody in another sleeper, then charges at him into the corner, but Cody counters, trying to make the tag. Swagger runs at Cody, who backdrops him over the ropes, still aiming for the tag. Cesaro tries to stop him and gets kicked away, but Swagger manages to pull Goldust off the apron from the outside, leaving Cody alone. Cesaro tries to jump Cody, but Cody backdrops him, looking like he’s going to toss him over the top ropes, but instead turns it into the Alabama Slam. Cesaro rolls through for a pin, Cody turns it into a pin of his own, Cesaro kicks out and hits his uppercut for a two-count. Cody gets thrown into the corner and tries to do his patented roll-up pin. Cesaro counters it, seating Cody on the top rope. Rhodes manages to fend Cesaro off long enough to hit the moonsault and both men are down. Both Swagger and Goldust are tagged in, with Goldust hitting the Rhodes Uppercut, the spinebuster and booting Cesaro off the apron. Ten punches in the corner on Swagger and he hits the powerslam only for Cesaro to break up the pin. Both of the Real Americans get sent to the outside and Cody gets backdropped over the top rope to crossbody both of them.
Dust sends Swagger back into the ring and tries to head up to the top rope, but Swagger catches him up and Goldust ends up on Jack’s shoulders, getting slammed face-first onto the canvas and placed into the Patriot Lock. Goldust nearly gets to the ropes, only to get pulled away before Cody launches a Disaster Kick at Swagger, breaking up the submission. Cesaro is on Cody before he can turn around and we see the Giant Swing. God, Cody gets some height on that. Cesaro is clotheslined out of the ring by Goldust, who Swagger rolls up for the close two-count, but Goldust kicks out, hits the Final Cut and the champs retain!
That was a great match, and confirms my prediction that the Men’s Survivor Series match will be the best of the PPV. All four men were fired up, and the commentators and crowd were completely sucked into it. 3 Stars.
No Way For Khali To Avoid Injury In This Situation
Ryback is in the ring, defending his political/religious stance as a bully. He issues an open challenge to anyone in the back, and how was Great Khali anywhere near fast enough to get to the front of the queue?
Ryback takes it to Khali, backing him into the corner before Khali knocks him away and chops him down. He then slaps away at Ryback in the corner before clotheslining him out of the ring. Khali follows Ryback to the outside, bounces him off the steel steps and throws him back into the ring. Ryback rolls right back out of the ring, and then hangs Khali’s arm up on the top rope. He manages to take advantage for several moments but Khali overpowers him and hits his big chop to the head. Ryback manages to just about touch the rope about a second after the three-count would have been, and where is Triple H so that we might discuss the cadence? Ryback manages to rally, hitting the Meathook Clothesline before getting the pin off the Shell Shocked.
Apparently the WWE’s tactic for Ryback is to display that he can get beaten up and finish the match with three moves. Not sure what that’s going to do for him, but I’m sure that they’re a sensible bunch in Creative. 1.5 Stars
Backstage, Vickie shows up to break up AJ and Tamina’s conversation. She puts AJ into a handicap match against the Funkadactyls, and at least they actually went to the trouble of saying that AJ was medically cleared, because Vickie is not Stephanie McMahon.
Back from the commercial, we get a little feature showing John Cena at Oxford University. Speaking as a St Andrews graduate, those Oxford folks are all dead-eyed zombies in tweed. Still, it was interesting move for Cena to make, and who’d ever have thought we’d have a WWE superstar speaking at Oxford University?
Your ‘What Happens In Women’s Prison’ Match
The Funkadactyls show up, followed by a subdued-looking AJ. In fairness to her, when I’m about to get the shit kicked out of me in a two-on-one handicap I’m less peppy as well. We get told that it’s now tornado-tag rules.
AJ immediately eats a double-dropkick and tries to run off through ringside, but gets caught between Naomi and Cameron. They both spank AJ, so it’s more what happens in a women’s prison according to my alcoholic friend’s DVD collection. AJ bails again and tries to duck behind Tamina, and the Funkadactyls push the Snukette over. Those bitches. AJ tries to run for the third time, but Naomi catches her as Tamina mauls Cameron on the outside for that shoving bullshit. Naomi is distracted and is jumped by AJ, who hits the neckbreaker. Snapmare and a sleeper to Naomi, but the Funkadactyl hits an enzuigiri as Cameron knocks Tamina off the apron. Cameron tries to get into the ring, but AJ knocks her onto the outside, turns around and gets hit with the Rear View for the win.
Naomi has certainly been on something of a roll lately. I’m actually quite interested to see how the Divas match turns out: the division has come a long way over the last couple of years. 2 Stars.
We’re confronted by Bray Wyatt, reciting the novel Shit That Stoners Say. Putting both this man and Dean Ambrose on the mic at the same time would probably revive the entire 27 Club.
A Match Containing A Bunch Of Moves I Don’t Know The Names Of
The Shield descend to the ring followed by the Usos and Rey Mysterio, who certainly gets the crowd on their feet. Question is, will he keep a shirt on this time… Jimmy and Dean tie up to start the match and Ambrose immediately works Jimmy over in the corner, only for Uso to switch it around on him. Jimmy reverses an Irish whip, clotheslines Ambrose and tags in Jey. Dean regains control and tags in Rollins, who comes off the top rope…right into a fist from Jey. Jimmy tags back in and drops a leg on Seth, who manages to punch his way back to his corner and tag in Dean. Frequent tags by the Shield, but Jey gets the blind tag and the Usos clothesline both Ambrose and Rollins out of the ring. Reigns runs in, but gets a double-punch from both Usos. Ambrose is tossed back into the ring as Reigns tries to jump Jey, but gets kicked in the stomach instead. Jey goes up to the top for a crossbody, but misses, allowing Ambrose to make the tag to Rollins.
Back from break, Rollins is trying to control Jey Uso and eventually does so with a kick to the head. Tag to Ambrose, who clotheslines Jey. Sleeper hold locked in now, wearing down Jey. Tag to Reigns and he suplexes Jey for a two-count before tagging in Seth. Hard Irish whips into the corners by Rollins, but he misses a splash as Jey crawls to his corner. Reigns gets the tag, knocks Jimmy off the apron and delivers a spinning back suplex to Jey as Mysterio and Jimmy break up the pin. Jey manages to fight his way out of the Shield’s corner, ducking a spear from Roman and makes the tag to Mysterio to a great reaction from the crowd.
Rey’s in and my finger hovers over the pause button. Tilt-a-whirl headscissors to Rollins, followed by a seated senton from the top rope and a Some-Kind-Of-Cruiserweight-DDT. Ambrose breaks up the pin but gets Samoan Superkicked. Jey tries to kick Reigns but gets the shit speared out of him instead. Jey tries to come at Roman from the top rope, but Reigns rolls out of the way and spears Jey as well. Reigns attempts a powerbomb to Mysterio but gets hurricanrana’d to the outside. Rollins is set up for the 619 but Ambrose makes a tag and levels Rey with a clothesline. Rollins dives out onto the Usos. Ambrose tries to put Rey away, but eats a 619 and a splash for the pin.
An extremely fun match. The Usos continue to impress, as does every member of the Shield. Rey didn’t get a lot of action, but you could tell by the crowd’s reaction how effective he was when he showed up: hopefully we’ll see a bit more of him this Sunday. Another 3 Star match.
In the back, Big Show is chatting to Whoever-That-Is. Man, they say that dark colours are slimming but I never believed that until now: Show looks positively svelte.
Big Show and Randy Orton promo
Big Show is in the ring as we return, calling the WWE ‘his home’ and claiming he came back to make Trips’ and Steph’s lives hell: what a goddamn hero. He says it’s been over ten years since he last held that title, and I get all nostalgic for the days of Lesnar suplexing Big Show and us all being freaking amazed by it.
Orton decides to break up this little whatever-this-is, saying that Big Show’s all washed up. According to Orton, filing a lawsuit makes Big Show a coward, although I imagine Vince has some alternate names as well. Big Show challenges Orton to come right up to him and say that, but Randy declines and Big Show shows us the footage from RAW where Orton confronts the Authority. Big Show lambasts Orton, saying that he should have been where he is now years ago, but all he did was what was best for him and now he’s all alone. Randy gets hot, saying he doesn’t need help, but Big Show gives us another video presentation of him beating the crap out of Orton. Show says that this Sunday, he’s coming for the championship.
Big Black Man, Big White Belt
Curtis Axel and Damien Sandow are in the ring as we return, and they will be facing Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston. Something seems awful familiar about that…Sandow and Dolph start in the ring, and Dolph scores with a beautiful dropkick, then rains punches on Sandow in the corner, nails an interfering Axel and Sandow regains control from the distraction, clotheslining Ziggler and tagging in Axel. Both Axel and Sandow work over Dolph, with Sandow hitting a Russian Leg Sweep, followed by the Elbow of Disdain and tagging in Axel, who dropkicks Dolph. Axel and Langston have a stare-down, and then Axel punches him. Langston tries to get involved but the ref holds him back whilst Ziggler DDTs Axel. Both Sandow and Langston get tagged in, with Langston’s power allowing him to knock Sandow and Axel around, splashing down on Sandow. He goes for the Big Ending before Axel chop-blocks him. Ziggler jumps Axel with the Fameasser and Langston hits the Big Ending on Sandow for the win.
Wow, talk about brevity. No wonder everyone seemed so full of energy there. What there was of it was great, shame that there wasn’t even a couple more minutes. 2.5 Stars.
Post-match, Axel tries to jump Langston with the title, probably assuming that the match couldn’t be over that quickly. Langston turns the tables on him, only for Axel to duck out of the ring as Big E stands tall.
Renee is backstage with Alberto Del Rio, recapping his douch-esque actions over the past couple of weeks. Del Rio says that if he wanted to hurt Cena, then he could, and this Sunday, he’s taking back the title.
Main Event: Daniel Bryan def. Luke Harper
Bryan makes his way down to the ring, followed by the Wyatt Family. Harper’s power allows him to take control in the early moments, tugging about and striking Bryan, only for Bryan to try and lock in the Yes Lock, but Harper bails out of the ring.
We come back to find Harper throwing Bryan around the outside, tossing him into barricades like it’s an All-Beard version of Les Miserables. Apparently something weird happened with Cole, JBL and Harper during the commercial, and they don’t make explicit reference to Deliverance, but we know that that’s most likely what it entailed. In the ring, Harper is still in control, using strikes. Bryan rallies, using kicks and a dragon whip before Harper catches him in a bodyslam, dropping an elbow and getting a two-count. Bryan manages a second rally, backflipping out of the corner and hitting a clothesline, knocking Harper to the mat and then lacing him with kicks, but the final kick is countered into a powerbomb from Harper, who continues to punish Bryan with boots and the Gator Roll. It ends with Bryan in a headlock, turned into another Gator Roll and a waistlock. Bryan drops to the floor, kicking Harper in the head and trying to roll him up. Harper kicks out and runs for Bryan, who tosses him out of the ring and dives through the ropes on top of him.
Bray gets out of his chair, pacing around and laughing maniacally. Bryan and Bray lock eyes, and Bray loses his hat because this shit is on. But Harper jumps Bryan from behind, knocking him to the floor. Just then, Punk’s entrance music hits, because he can only go for so long without kicking a man in the face and if the face has a beard, all the better. Rowan nuts up for a fight, but Bryan rolls up a distracted Harper for the victory.
A nice match, but it seemed again to be pretty short. Nevertheless, all good stuff contained within. I’d love to see more of Rowan in the ring, but Harper is making the most of his opportunity as the physical will of Wyatt, and he can hang with Bryan. 2.5 Stars.
Bryan immediately gets levelled with a big boot, love from Luke Harper, as Rowan holds Punk for Bray to smack around. Punk is tossed into the ring and gets hit with That Clothesline. Rowan pancakes Bryan into the corner as Bray’s meds start to wear off, and then he hits the Sister Abigail on Daniel Bryan. He then tells us to ‘Follow The Buzzards’, like a fat fortune cookie.
All in all, a nice SmackDown to finish. Some of those matches could have had more to them, but in terms of length rather than quality, and it made me excited for Survivor Series, which was the point. I’ll give it seven out of ten.
Tags: aj lee, Antonio Cesaro, big e langston, big show, Bray Wyatt, Cameron, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Curtis Axel, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, dean ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, Funkadactyls, goldust, jack swagger, jey uso, jimmy uso, Luke Harper, naomi, randy orton, rey mysterio, Roman Reigns, ryback, seth rollins, Smackdown, Spain's SmackDown Report, survivor series, Tamina Snuka, The Great Khali, The Real Americans, The Shield, the usos, WWE, wyatt family, Zeb Coulter