Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for November 29th 2013: A Post-Colonial Reading

Well, thanks to CB’s spoilers I knew what awaited me tonight and therefore have drank alcohol. They try to fool you with the promise of the Rhodeses vs. the Shield for the titles, but it’s a trick and before you know it BOOM Tonnes of Funk and Los Matadores.

We’re shown a table laden with food, and my God, they’re finally filming in catering. The appearance of Camacho confirms this (and kudos times over 9000 to Sandow for eating Chinese takeout). Vickie welcomes us all to her Thanksgiving leftover party, announcing a food-eating contest. The trap is sprung. Titus and Khali begin eating, and remember when one was exciting and the other was World Champion?

Oh, Because It’s ‘Black Friday’, Right?

Axel and Ryback are approaching the ring, and Michael Cole only starts talking then, apparently considering himself above commenting on what came before this moment. Delusions, Michael. Axel will be facing Mark Henry, now with 50% more smoothness and Langston at ringside. Axel tries to go on the offence, but…World’s Strongest Man. Axel’s pancaked in the corner and knocked to the canvas as Ryback jumps Langston. Big E gets pissed and Mark is distracted enough for Axel to dropkick his legs and DDT him for a one count. Axel keeps Henry grounded, working the legs and punching the face. A sleeper is then locked in as Langston plays Terrifyingly-Jacked-Cheerleader on the outside. Henry gets to his feet and shoots Axel off the ropes and into a big boot. He follows it up with headbutts and a JYD tribute, sending Axel to the outside where Big E waits. Axel’s caught between both men, Ryback tries to jump Langston and gets brought down instead. Back in the ring, Henry delivers the World’s Strongest Slam and puts Axel down for three.

A quick and logical match. Axel got some offence in off a distraction whilst Henry dominated: there’s not much left to say about it. 2 Stars.

Backstage, Truth and Xavier Woods are watching a tape of Xavier from this Monday, because WWE is going to hammer the subtle pun of ‘Black Friday’ into our skulls like the poets they are. The Funkasaurus, until recently thought extinct, appears. Apparently Xavier ‘stole’ the Funkadactyls, and I’m not sure if the references to theft or slavery are more offensive here. Brodus shoves Xavier and Albert ushers him offstage. Sure.

Back from commercials, out comes Randy ‘Title-Cradler’ Orton. Intrepid Reporter Renee Young calls Orton out on his bullshit title win. Randy refutes the claim that he was knocked out, prompting a ‘You Got Knocked Out’ chant immediately. Well done, Connecticut. We show the making of the Undisputed Title match for TLC, and Television Therapist Renee Young asks Orton how that makes him feel. Randy chooses to leave, which means Renee is allowed to write ‘crazy’ on his file and don’t think she wouldn’t.

We go back to the food-eating contest, and Titus somehow has food on his face. Because…eh. And holy crap, a title holder! AJ shouldn’t even know where catering is! Miss Lee and Tamina are apparently party-crashing, like the wild rebels they are, but Vickie threatens them with a food-fight and they leave. Khali keels over into his food, and as I pray that it’s fatal, Titus is rewarded with a match against Antonio Cesaro. And Khali’s a zombie. Or, you know, alive.

Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Week To Quit Drinking

Here’s 3MB, wearing pilgrim hats and apparently called ‘The Pilgrim Rockers’. They’re up against Los Matadores and…El Torito. Christ. Heath wants himself some of the midget in the bull costume, and you can hear the slashfics being written already. Slater tries to catch Torito with Jinder and Drew’s help, but Los Matadores kick them out of the ring and Torito dives onto Slater, followed by the Matadores hitting Mahal and McIntyre. Torito tags in Matador 1, who gets hung up on the ropes by Slater. Slater tags in Jinder, who stomps Matador 1 and tags in McIntyre. They suplex him onto the top rope and McIntyre slugs Matador 2 before Matador 1 DDTs him. Torito gets the tag and hurricanranas Drew before goring Jinder and dropkicking Slater. McIntyre then takes a headscissors and some kind of ridiculous armdrag. The Matadores exchange tags before performing what JBL terms ‘The Picador’.

I felt dirty just watching that, and I’ve seen some shit. 1 Star.

We see the WWE superstars looking back on their European tour. Kofi namedrops Newcastle and pronounces Belgium ‘Bell-Gee-Um’.

Django Unchained

In the ring, Tonnes of Funk and the Funkadactyls are dancing, apparently totally chillaxed now. Truth and Xavier get into the ring, and now Brodus is all frowny. Does he have line-of-sight emotions? Truth and Sweet T start off, acting all chummy to begin. Reversals are followed by more reversals, some dancing, then a punch by Truth and a shoulder block from T. He squashes Truth in the corner, then tries it again but Truth escapes and calf-kicks T in the face, tagging in Xavier. Woods goes right for Brodus, being the friendly type. He lays some punches into T, following up with boots and an enzuigiri. Brodus tags himself in and knocks Xavier down from the outside before knocking Truth off the apron. He then launches himself into a splash on Xavier in the corner, and damn if he didn’t look rather graceful doing that. A splash from the top rope finishes it.

That was okay. I want to see a bit more of Xavier: he’s certainly fast and can sell. I might flick through some NXT matches after this. A heel Brodus could be interesting, but who knows what’s going to happen with this. 2 Stars.

Post-match, Brodus is all smiles and Sweet T looks uneasy. Tensions soar.

Renee is with CM Punk backstage. She wants his reaction to the disappearance of Bryan, and Punk essentially puts Bryan’s abduction on the same level as ‘bruised ribs’. What a friend. He hints that the Authority might be behind this. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if it was Mankind this time?

Wyatt is on camera with his sesquipedalian loquaciousness and stoner musings. Apparently Bryan’s safe, but he will return as a monster. Jeez, the guy pinned Cena clean and he’s not yet considered a monster?

Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Week To Quit Sniffing Glue

In the ring, Titus and Cesaro are ready for VOMITFEST 2013. They lock up, Titus shoulder-blocks Cesaro and the story here is that he is sticking out his stomach and looking queasy. That’s it. Cesaro hits a dropkick then uppercuts. Titus regains control, then loses it because he’s so so full. Middle middle middle…Cesaro goes for the Swing. Darren Young apparently can’t take any more of this torture and jumps Cesaro. Match ends on a DQ, and are you not even going to show Titus vomiting?

Re-read the above comment about ‘feeling dirty’ and…yep. 0.5 Stars.

Titus vomits in JBL’s hat, using a goofy censor tag to hide the fact that he’s not really. At least Puke was a method actor. Even the Real Americans look grossed out. Cole gets the hat put on him and I think watching that managed to erase a whole year of university from my mind. Cole stumbles into a grossed-out JBL, then Titus vomits on Zeb and I tear up my degree because I don’t remember anything I learned anymore.

Apology Accepted, WWE

The tag team champs approach the ring, followed by the Shield. Oh please God, let Titus come out and vomit on someone here too. Ambrose is on commentary, and that works too. Rollins and Cody to start off: Cody has Rollins in a headlock. Reversal follows reversal for a while, ending in a bodyslam to Rollins. Goldust is tagged in, hitting Rollins with a blow from the second rope, attacking him before tagging in Cody. Cody hits an inverted suplex, tagging Goldust back in. Roman gets the tag as Ambrose calls him ‘my brutha from anotha motha’. Damn it, Dean, I wish I knew how to quit you. Dust and Reigns face down before exchanging strikes: Reigns sends Goldust out of the ring with a shoulder block. Goldust comes back for some more and Reigns obliges him for a while before running into a dropkick. Rollins runs in, but gets dropkicked by Cody. The Rhodeses then clothesline both Shield members out of the ring as we go to commercial.

Back from break, Rollins is fighting out of Cody’s control, but Rhodes drops him with an elbow and goes for the Albama Slam. Rollins turns it into a roll-up, followed by a kick to the head which sends Cody to the floor. Reigns comes back in, staying on Cody. Ambrose starts saying teams from the Attitude Era, and that should not be as awesome as it actually is. Rollins is tagged in, working over Cody using the ropes and then stomping him before tagging Roman. Cody tries to fight his way back to his corner, but Reigns knocks him to the mat with a back elbow. Rollins back in now, keeping Cody in the corner. The referee yelling at Rollins gives Cody an opening to back body drop Seth out of the ring. Both Reigns and Goldust get the tag and Dust gets a clothesline, the Rhodes Uppercut, the atomic drop and a boot. He hits punches to Reigns in the corner, taking Rollins out on the apron and then hitting Reigns with a crossbody, followed by a powerslam. Rollins tries to jump Goldust again, but comes off the top rope right into an atomic drop. He’s clotheslined out of the ring and Roman sends Goldust right out after him.

After a commercial, the Shield are in control, beating down Goldust. Rollins chokes the painted man with his foot, talking smack until Goldust smacks him right back, but Rollins stays well in control, getting Dust into a sleeper. Goldust avoids a dropkick, rolls Rollins up and then hits a DDT, crawling towards his corner before Roman knocks Cody off the apron, then clotheslines Goldust. Cody comes back in to break up the pin, but Reigns is still dominant, slapping Goldust into a headlock. Rollins comes in, but Goldust rallies, hitting both Shield members with back elbows and gets the tag to Cody.

Cody comes in with a flying dropkick to Rollins, knocking the man about the ring at an explosive pace before climbing up for a moonsault. Rollins tries to turn it into an electric chair drop, Cody counters and Rollins tosses his face into the corner. Rollins goes for his knee from the top, but Cody hits a cradle suplex. Reigns breaks up the pin before he and Goldust brawl on the outside. Rollins gets out there with him and Cody flings himself out onto both of them. Back in the ring, he tries to moonsault onto Rollins, but Rollins ducks at the last second, springboarding at Cody, misses, eats a Cross Rhodes and Ambrose breaks up the pin for the DQ.

What a match. I’d happily watch these guys do this dance for quite a bit longer; it almost made up for the previous vomiting. Almost. 3.5 Stars.

After the match, Punk rushes the ring with a chair, clobbering Reigns on the entrance ramp as the Shield clear the ring. Vickie appears on the screen so fast, it’s almost like she knew it was going to happen. She makes the match a six-man tag match, because there is no good reason not to add Punk and Ambrose to this match. At. All.

Back from break, Punk Irish whips Ambrose into the corner, reigning blows down on him before clotheslining him. Goldust gets the tag, knocking Ambrose about the ring before tagging in Cody. Cody beats Ambrose down in the corner, backdropping him and tagging Punk. Punk misses the high knee, allowing Ambrose to tag in Rollins. Punk drop-toeholds Seth and tags Goldust, who drops knees onto Rollins’ legs. Cody is in now, and did JBL just mention JFK? Cody flings Ambrose through the ring and out of the ropes, then throws him hard into the barricade before a tag to Goldust. Quick tags between the faces, with Punk getting Seth into an Indian Deathlock as Cody tags in and applies a half-Boston crab as well.

Rollins reverses an Irish whip, throwing Cody face-first into the turnbuckle and tagging in Ambrose as we go to break.

Back from the break, Ambrose is putting the boots to Cody, throwing him into the corner and stomping him. Cody rolls out of a back suplex and hits the Rhodes Uppercut, booting Ambrose in the face and tagging in Punk. Punk comes in with strikes and a high knee, then signals for the elbow and counters Ambrose into a swinging neckbreaker.

The Wyatts suddenly make an appearance and Punk gets the old crazy-eyes. Ambrose takes advantage of a distracted Punk, dragging Punk to the corner and allowing Reigns to pound on him, starting off some quick tags as all of the Shield members beat him down. Punk hits a reversal, DDTing Ambrose whilst hitting a neckbreaker on Rollins. The Wyatts can’t take it anymore, pulling the Rhodeses off the apron and mauling them, leading to another DQ.

Not even going to bother.

The Usos join the fray, evening the odds, followed by Rey Mysterio.

That’s what I thought.

Headscissors abound for Rollins, and Rey sets him up for the 619 before Ambrose trips him. This brings Vickie out to yell at the guys for being entertaining. But hell, I’ll take a twelve-man tag match any day.

Back again and Jimmy is working over Ambrose before Dean makes a tag to Harper, who drags Jimmy into a corner. Jimmy manages to boot Harper and go for a roll-up, but Harper swats him back down. He tags in Rollins, which makes Wyatt kinda pissy. Reigns’ troll grin at that was legendary. Seth stomps Jimmy before tagging Bray, who beats on Jimmy before tagging in Harper. Gator Roll followed by a headlock, and an ‘Uso’ chant starts. Jimmy tags in Rey, who hits a tornado DDT for two. Quick kicks to the leg and face, Mysterio heads up to the top rope and hits the seated senton before Harper puts him down with a boot. Tag to Bray Wyatt, who pancakes Rey hard in the corner. Tag to Rowan now, and Rey gets bodyslammed and then what I can only describe as a ‘Frisky Bearhug’ (I’m going to make that name stick if it kills me). Mysterio’s trying to fight out, but Rowan puts him down with a sidewalk slam and tags in Ambrose, who applies a front facelock.

Rey gets to his feet, but Ambrose stays on top of him, tagging in Rollins. Mysterio manages to low-bridge Ambrose and enzuigiri Rollins, tagging in Punk. Punk springboards in and clotheslines Rowan, adding more and more running clotheslines before kicking him out of the ring and diving on him through the ropes. High running knees to the corner, followed by a swinging neckbreaker and the Macho Elbow. Ambrose breaks up the pin and the lunacy begins. The Rhodeses knock Dean and Seth out of the ring; Goldust is speared; the Usos double-kick Reigns and Harper and dive out onto Harper and Rollins. Punk attempts the GTS on Rowan; Bray breaks it up, going for Sister Abigail; Rey dropkicks the tubby bastard out of the ring and 619’s Rowan. Punk hits Rowan with the GTS and that’s three.

That was a multi-part epic of a match. I enjoyed each incarnation and the brawls in between tremendously. I was joking about it being an apology, but if it had been then, by Christ, all is forgiven. 4 Stars.

Well, I had my doubts, and good doubts they were: the vomiting section made me feel incredibly talked down to as a viewer. But the last half of that show far more than made up for the first, sucker that I am for good wrestling matches. On the strength of the War and Peace of tag-team bouts, I’ll give that show a seven.

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